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julieannboo 01-03-2012 10:20 AM

given in and doing a journal
 
i didn't want to do a journal as i don't want to remember every single detail of withdrawal and the anxiety that i am experiencing but who knows maybe it will help.

I am currently on 12mg of paxil (very pleased with myself never thought i would ever get down to this dosage. i tried cutting tablets in half in the past and it never worked - so this 10% rule does work thank you mods x).
i am dropping 1mg every four weeks. When i get to 9mg i will do smaller drops every three weeks.
i am seeing a counsellor at the moment once a week to just talk about things.

at the moment i am miserable. it is hard explaining to 'normal' people that aren't on paxil whats wrong. they just don't get it - they will never be able to understand this 'it' that people on paxil who have pooped experience on a daily basis. everything feels wrong and miserable and i can't even explain what it is.

i have got bad health anxiety at the moment - it flares up once and a while. it started in the summer of 2009. now i know that this is when paxil stopped working.

i am angry for being put on paxil in the first place but even more angrier at being kept on it for so long. i am angry at the docs and i am angry at my naive young self for thinking that i need paxil. i also have anger towards my parents who didn't question a 19 year old being put on paxil.

brief history:

i first got anxious in 1994 after being bullied at school during my teenage years. the anxiety came a few years after the bullying had stopped. i think that i had a delayed reaction to what had happened. i was 17 and went for counselling.

1997 - a boy that i liked didn't like me - i took it very badly and was very upset. we had been really close friends for a couple years so when he said that he didn't feel the same my nerves become shot. i remember waking up and shaking everyday as i was anxious and upset. (Looking back i was just too sensitive. people get their heart broken everyday - you don't need paxil to get you through it. if only i had realised then what i know now. it is just LIFE.)
so i went to the docs and he sent me as an out patient to a mental hospital (i can't believe it either) where i was put on a paxil 20mg one a day by a shrink who looking back was not more than 25 years old!

I took the drug from april 1997-summer 1998. I can't remember if it helped or not but i decided that i wanted to come off of it (my family noticed that i had gotten too loud/noisy and i felt apathy towards friends). The doc told me to cut the tablets in quarters, then halfs - the usual quick way that they tell you to withdraw and i came off of paxil in 6 weeks that summer. i remember having the head 'zaps' - that was horrible.

i was doing okay until october 1999 where in my last year at college i almost had a breakdown. i didn't realise why at the time - now i think it was due to the quick weaning a year before. So i was put on 30mg.

It took about 6 months but i started feeling better. i vowed never again to go though that and made sure that i would always take paxil.

within the first year i had gained weight, i did some things that weren't very nice to fellow friends or myself and i didn't think of peoples' feelings. but that was okay as i wasn't depressed right?

october 2003 - went from 30mg-20mg. i can't remember why i wanted to do that - maybe i thought it was too high for me. i had the zaps, panic and stuttering but i did it.

in may 2007 i tried cutting down as a family member suggested i stop taking paxil. i cut the tablet to 3/4's of a tablet taking me down to 15mg. after 3 weeks i started getting bad sucidial thoughts and thought that i would always need to be on them so i went back up to 20mg. i wish that i found this site then.

it wasn't until summer of 2011 when i first discovered this site that i realised that i got to get off of this stuff. and 'poop out' was explained to me on here. no one told me that this drug what stop working! i feel so darn stupid for not even thinking that it would stop working!

so here i am.

i wish that paxil be banned - dreaming i know - or the very least tell people about the side effects of the drug so they can make an INFORMED choice.

postitives in my life: a good job, a nice car, a nice home (still with family - i partly blame paxil for this- for me almost being a child still) and a nice boyfriend.

negatives: being on this drug for so long - i feel has robbed me the past 12 years of my life. (maybe that a bit extreme)
these horrible thoughts that i have: - every little pain i have brings the health anxiety on. it a constant war in my head.
apathy towards my boyfriend of 8 years.
got a unhealthy obsession towards holidays - this has come on during the past 5 years. i go on holiday 3 times a year - that isn't normal. i get obsessed with going somewhere - anywhere to get away from reality.
overweight all my time since being on this drug - was never overweight before.
getting angry and aggitated very quickly. - i was so quiet before paxil and wouldn't say boo to a goose!
i get bad migraines maybe it the drug or maybe my hormones plus bad diet.
dizzyiness and light headness every so often. didn't realise it might be due to poop out!
i suffer from a dry throat since paxil - always got a bottle of water with me. i thought it was just 'me' didn't think that it might be the paxil -lol.
when i was on 20mg - i could sleep for england! after having ten hours sleep - on my day off i could go to bed in the afternoon and sleep for 4 hours no problem. now i am tapering off the drug i have alot less long naps. if i want to nap maybe i will have 90 mins max - which is still alot but nothing to how it was.

so that is it - i will try and keep this journal up now that i have started. maybe it good that i have written it all down so i can see whats what.

thanks.

chantingjo 01-03-2012 10:50 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
i'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. two things that help me so much: CBT (see my other post - you have to write the thoughts down and challenge them DAILY) and my buddhist chanting. Also I try to not focus on the past or what I might have lost by being on paxil. I try to look at the future and getting off this drug. I actually now look at this drug as a positive in my life because if it wasn't for this drug I would probably have continued to have a poor quality of life with mild depression and anxiety. Being on this drug and having this awful withdrawal has forced me to learn other tools such as the CBT and chanting which have dramatically improved my quality of life and will continue to do so when I get off it.
It sounds like you have LOADs of great things in your life. that's amazing given what you have had to go through with this drug. just think what you will be capable of once you get off it! this is what i tell myself when i beat myself up. yes i may not (yet) have the perfect career etc but I have done pretty well considering my issues with anxiety/ paxil etc and it sounds like you have too!

julieannboo 01-03-2012 04:34 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
This withdrawal is crazy. I watched some comedy tonight and feel a bit better.
I am hoping the health anxiety that I have had over the past few days will calm down and will not run for 3-4 months like it did last year.
These emotions that go up and down are insane. It seems at the moment my mood changes every couple of hours. docs dont tell you that do they?

What really gets me down and I haven't wrote this on any other part of the forum (but I guess writing it here is okay as it my journal) is measuring the liquid out with a syringe. I know it is essential for an accurate weaning but it is pitiful. I feel like a drug addict. No one will be able to convince me otherwise. It is what it is.

julieannboo 01-04-2012 03:08 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
today i am up and down.

sometimes i feel guilty - there are people with 'real' problems in life and i am moping about with my bulls*it.

rubbish.

julieannboo 01-04-2012 04:16 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
if i can just sit back and realise that it just my nerves that are shot - i will be able to get this health anxiety under control.

AmyK 01-04-2012 05:30 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Thinking of you. I have bad day today too. Remember your CBT technique! The drug is inpredictable, and causes so much problems. Would it be easier if you just think "this will pass, it is just the pill".
Good for you to have started a journal.
I feel like a drug addict too with my scale... Uh...:anxious:
Amy

julieannboo 01-05-2012 03:42 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Watched some comedy tonight. It is amazing how laughing can make you feel better. I recommend it.

Lovesthebeach 01-05-2012 06:37 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Amen to that Julie! I watched some of that today too and it does help out a lot. You can and will get to a better place; just be a little nicer to yourself. I know I am so guilty of trying to be perfect and want everything be perfect (perfect dinner, perfect gift, perfect holidays, it is draining to say the least). At work I freak out of I only get one error and process about a thousand transactions per month (granted my entire dept gets a nug in that direction from the managers). Turns out we are perfect just the way we are:vanish:

PS-Out of curiousity, do people in the UK really say pip pip cheerio? Just wondering:vanish:

julieannboo 01-06-2012 03:46 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovesthebeach (Post 740056)

PS-Out of curiousity, do people in the UK really say pip pip cheerio? Just wondering:vanish:

LMAO. Hell no. You have been watching too much mary poppins!

you heard of american comedian chris rock? he is my idol. i basically talk like him with a british accent.
my favourite sayings are:
'smacked upside the head'
'you better recognise'
'you better act right before you get smacked right'

LMAO. watch any of his stand ups - thats me!

hope that you are well. xx

julieannboo 01-06-2012 03:53 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
i have realised since that withdrawing from paxil that i am using food as a crutch. this isn't good. i am eating tubs of ice cream, chocolate and biscuits. i know that this bad diet of junk food can cause anxiety
before this it was going on vacation as much as possible to get away from reality.
why do i always have to have something to support me?
i need to start and live in the here and now and enjoy everyday life without having a crutch to lean on.

Kay2020 01-06-2012 01:03 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
I think that maybe when you reach the low mg and then start a slower taper you will feel better and steady! When I did my last big drops before the 10mg and the percent taper I felt everything you just described except I had a huge amount of muscle pain. I could not walk on uneven surfaces. Stairs and ramps where nightmares.

I found paxil progress as I got to my 10mg dose and read about smaller tapers thank goodness! If I did not find this forum I would have went to 5mg for 3 months and then to 2.5mg and would have failed yet again.

This is why I think you will feel better when you start to do small tapers at 9mg.

Hang in there!

Lovesthebeach 01-06-2012 08:17 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by julieannboo (Post 740096)
LMAO. Hell no. You have been watching too much mary poppins!

you heard of american comedian chris rock? he is my idol. i basically talk like him with a british accent.
my favourite sayings are:
'smacked upside the head'
'you better recognise'
'you better act right before you get smacked right'

LMAO. watch any of his stand ups - thats me!

hope that you are well. xx


Julieann-I am so glad to provide you with some humor :grin: Sometimes, I think we are so serious about this quitting Paxil stuff that we forget to laugh! Yes, I like Chris Rock-he is funny. Another question, do you really say bullocks and call the TV the Telly?

julieannboo 01-07-2012 03:00 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Yes. We say bollocks if we get vexed and call tv the telly. xx

julieannboo 01-07-2012 09:50 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
It has been two weeks since Christmas. This afternoon I was looking out of my brothers' bedroom window and the weather already seems brighter and more positive. Almost like spring is just around the corner.
Today i feel hopeful.

julieannboo 01-09-2012 03:19 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
today anxiety is here again.

thats what makes this all so bewildering. i have to remember to go with it and it is just shot nerves.

none of this can hurt me.

julieannboo 01-10-2012 04:06 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
went for my weekly counselling last night.

my nerves are shot they really are.

maybe it the time of year.

Lovesthebeach 01-10-2012 08:08 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Hi Julie-I think part of the nerves has to do with the expectation that we are going to feel better this instance and it is not the case. At least I know I am guilty of that i.e. after going to therapy I will feel better or acupuncture or a group meeting and so on. If we don't, then disappointment sets in, then frustration then anxiety. It is a never ending roller coaster. We are going to do this and be successful it will just take sometime!

julieannboo 01-10-2012 10:16 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
you know what i want back?

i want my common sense back before health anxiety hit.

Texgirl wrote this - i am gonna copy and paste it below as it makes so much sense plus i am reading claire weekes at the moment:

Quote:

Originally Posted by texgirl (Post 740534)
"I feel anxious, but I'm going to go ahead with my day. I may be uncomfortable but I know these symptoms can't hurt me. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Make those 4 words your mantra!


julieannboo 01-11-2012 03:05 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
misrable as sin.

this isn't living. this is barley existing.

i am reading claire weekes' book. i am trying to face and accept willingly all this anxiety but maybe it is making me feel worse at the moment.

i don't know anything at at the moment.

julieannboo 01-11-2012 04:22 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
scotty wrote this morning to another member - very helpful for me to remember:

Quote:

Originally Posted by scotty (Post 740597)
you've got to stop self monitoring. This is anxiety, pure anxiety. People have strange sensations, regardless of drug use. It's called being human! :) You're asking questions that no one can answer, because they are just sensations that you are obsessing about.

When this happens, just go and do something else. Don't dwell on it, or reach out looking for answers that aren't out there. The human body isn't perfect. It does weird things. Stopping your life every time something weird happens and searching for validation only perpetuates the anxiety cycle.

Do something to change the channel when things like this happen.


julieannboo 01-11-2012 05:23 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
just remembering what my counsellor said to me on monday: do i think that my anxiety is self inflicted and due to boredom?

i don't know. never thought of it that way before.

Becky 01-11-2012 12:23 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Love your honesty and bits of humour in here julieannboo.

The banter about what brits do and don't say reminded me of a friends episode where Phoebe and Monica get annoyed for their old friend coming back from England with a fake accent.

Great show about the kind of friends everyone ought to have - always got your back, laugh with/at you and it's still good times...

Although I sometimes get annoyed at shows like Friends, Seinfeld, Parenthood etc that aim to be about "normal" people living their "normal" lives... Showing bored "normal" people doesn't make for good TV... so then is boredom not normal?

I think there are a LOT of people in this world scared to death - or rather anxiety - of being bored... or less engaged/interactive than the TV imposed norm... I know I have times of boredom-fear induced anxiety now and then...

julieannboo 01-11-2012 02:01 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Funny you should mention friends. I met matt le blanc a couple of months ago.
Hope that you are well x

Lovesthebeach 01-11-2012 09:05 PM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by julieannboo (Post 740629)
misrable as sin.

this isn't living. this is barley existing.

i am reading claire weekes' book. i am trying to face and accept willingly all this anxiety but maybe it is making me feel worse at the moment.

i don't know anything at at the moment.

Hi Julie-I am sorry to hear that you are so miserable today. That stinks. Here is a thought; come up with a list of things you would like to do once you are withdrawal/anxiety free. Doesn't need to be anything too fancy just make sure they are realistic. Then go do one or two of them. Maybe that would lift out of your funk?

julieannboo 01-12-2012 03:57 AM

Re: given in and doing a journal
 
thanks lovesthebeach.

maybe i have got nothing else in my life so all of this is self inflicted.

i was thinking yesterday all the emotional and mental suffering i am putting myself through is so unnecessary.


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