The lingering emotionalism

[Cindy]

Okay, it's been three and a half months since I have been on paxil...all of the physical withdrawal symptoms have abated...and I am doing so much better in regards to the anxiety (with the assistance of Clonazepam I am sure). I still have a long ways to go and a lot of work to do in regards to my anxiety...but compared to a month ago the fear has lessened radically.

But, it's this damn emotionalism that sometimes drives me crazy. I guess I do understand that after being on a drug for five and a half years that "numbed" me to a lot of my emotions it is probably understandable. But, I still find myself so emotionally fragile...I don't feel as if I am depressed...but I can "cry" so easily...and sometimes for so long. And sometimes I can become "angry", at something very trivial...and anger is an emotion that is pretty foreign to me. I find that any extra "stressor" can set me off. Sometimes it's like I am so insecure in myself right now...maybe even trying to figure out "who me is". I definitely know that this postpaxil woman is different in so many ways than the woman that took paxil.

I guess I am just wondering if any of you 3+ month withdrawers out there find what I am saying "normal". I know that I have a lot to say to many people in my life...things I haven't said for a long time...and I am starting to say them...and in many ways that is very "good". I just keep wondering if I am going to get through a whole day again without crying? But, then again, maybe the crying is simply my body's way of "letting go" of all that I have experienced through the last few months.

Thanks for any insights you can offer.

Cindy

Cindy,

I am not 3 months free of the drug, but about a month and a half. I am sorry you are having days filled with crying spells etc... I don't know that it is normal, but I can say that I too have days of unbearable crying. Actually I have to say that almost every day post paxil I have had at least one good cry. I supposed it is due to the numbing of the emotions for so long, that we are not used to them when they hit, therefore it probably makes the process a bit harder than we expected. But then again who knew what to expect right?
I don't know if you are still seeing a couselor or not. I haven't seen mine in quite a while and I am thinking of going back to it. If for no other reason than to have someone that has no interest in my life, other than helping me, listen to some of my rantings.
You have some unresolved issues, as many of us do. We went on the paxil (or at least I did) because I needed a break from the constant anxiety and panic attacks. Intially I think we were hoping that the paxil would take all our fears away and we would be cured. But unfortunetly life is not so easy.
Some of the things I struggled with before paxil have since gone away. I have tackled them. However some of the same issues are still causing me frustration. One of my biggest stressors was and is finances. Money sucks when you don't have enough to enjoy it. And when you are constantly fretting about it and bills and rent payments etc... So while on paxil I was able to stay numb and kind of give in to the fact that my life was the way it is... However now that I am off of it, the same frustrations I had about my life are still there. The y haven't gone anywhere, I just was able to handle them better because I was numb to it all.
Before paxil I questioned my lifes direction every day. While on paxil I could care less as long as I got done what needed to get done. Now I am back to questioning my life, and quite frankyl I am pretty miserable about it too...
I don't have answers, but I do know that we will have to face these challanges head on before we find our way to a day without tears and frustration.
I wish you my best adn hope for happier days soon,
Dianna

[Cindy]

Dear Diana,

Thanks for your reply. It's funny because during this whole process it has somewhat been a roller coaster of emotions. Looking back over the whole period of withdrawal there have been times when I wasn't as emotionally fragile...but then there may have been a period of intense fear...and thank God that seems to have disappated for the most part. I think you are very correct in stating that there was a reason why I went on this drug in the first place...and now that I am no longer on it...perhaps the stressors that occur effect me more severely...than when I went on paxil. I am a sensitive individual person anyway...and I know that I analyze at times "way too much" So, I totally related to your statement regarding now that you are no longer on paxil you are "constantly questioning" your life's direction.

I have started going to a counselor...I tried a psychologist for a while earlier in the process, but I don't think she really knew what to do with me. And I am working a lot at my self care...but the emotions still linger very close to the surface. I am trying to accept that...and also realize that I have had a period of 4 years of major changes in my life...and some of the issues were not adequately dealt with because at the time "I thought I was managing just fine"...probably because of my so-called magic pill.

I continue to learn and grow...and hopefully I will be able to be able to "let go" of the fears...and the pain of some of the struggles I have endured in the past. Right now is what is important...it's just sometimes I get so impatient. My doctor said to me a few weeks ago, "that I was doing so well"...and that it had only been three months. She told me to remember what it was like when I was pregnant and how 9 months could seem so long...but in retrospect it really was nothing.

Thank you for your concern and your caring.

Cindy

Cindy,

No problem and Thank You too!
This has been a major rollercoater ride, that is for sure. The difference between my attitude yesturday and my attitude today is completely different.
Yesturday I was an angry selfish person, looking to blame all my problems on everyone and anything. I magnafied my problems to a ridiculous degree too! I was not counting my blessings, I was wrapped up in self doubt, in selfish thoughts and I behaved in a very negative way towards my husband.
God I wish there was a "Spouse Survival of Paxil Survivors" metal I could give him. I was a wicked wicked witch yesturday for sure.

But then a funny thing happened last night. I stopped my ranting and stayed quiet. I looked around at all I have to be thankfull for! I counted my blessings and I asked God to forgive me for my negative attitude, and thanked Him for all his blessings.
I looked at my husband who has been going through this with me, and realized I have a good good life.

I then cut myself a break. Reminded myself that my emotions are going to be a bit confusing for a little while and gave myself permission not to make any major decisions about my life's direction right now.

Your doctor is right, even though to us 3 months off this stuff is a miracle... It really hasn't been that long in comparison to the amount of time you were on the medication. You are allowed to have a bad day... but you are also allowed to have a good day too!!!! Maybe it is time to reward all your hard work and strength with a present just for you! You deserve it!

Hoping your day is better today than yesturday!
My Best,
Dianna

[Cindy]

Dear Diana...

You are so very kind...I hope you realize that is a gift. Giving yourself permission to "let go" and having the insight to realize that you do indeed have "many blessings" is sometimes difficult to do, and I congratulate you for it. Yes, our poor significant others...as well as our children; trying to understand it all, and trying to be supportive to the best of their own abilities, despite whatever fears they themselves may have. They all deserve medals...yet we also deserve medals for getting through this ****.

"I'm getting stronger again"...I can feel it...I went for my second session with my counselor today and she said to me "I hope you know that you have a great spirit"...so, I figure if this person who hardly knows me is starting to see my "spirit" then it must be coming back. This post paxil woman is a different woman in a lot of ways...but I think when it all washes out, I am going to be a better woman for the experience.

Hang in there and let's both remember to be thankful for the "blessings" that we both do have.

Cindy

Don't worry, it's all very normal for what you've been through. You are just reacting more because you are now experienceing a new thing and you are at your most vulnerable. Try to pamper yourself when you feel like crying. Honor it, tell yourself that it is normal to feel so much fear when your use to being desensitized. Not only are you trying to keep your old anxieties in check but you have this hyper sensitivity to deql with. I

t's been almost a year off paxil for me, and though many people may think im crazy to believe this, I feel I am still struggling to adjust. I know because what I experience is nothing I've ever had to deal with before going on the drug. In these 10 months I have learned to trust that with time things have and will change. It's not fair of us to think that our bodies and emotions are capable of repairing so quickly....be nice to them and give them time and nurturing to heal. Try to let the worrying go, it only enhances the feelings of anxiety and turns into a vicious cycle.

Good Luck and be easy on yourself....