Can't do it

[JessG]

The drug is letting me know I will never get off of it. It's only been two weeks and already, ALREADY the symptoms I am trying to relieve are coming back. Anxiety, trouble sleeping, myoclonic jerks, depression. At least when I updosed I had 3 and half weeks of feeling okay, but I refuse to updose anymore cause it won't last. The relief never lasts. I've prayed and prayed but no revelations, no strength is coming my way. Am I supposed to drop again even though the RULES say to wait AT LEAST 3 weeks or you run the risk of crashing. If crashing means feeling even worse and having to updose, then no thank you. I have no job, no place of my own, no boyfriend, no life. What do I have to live for? My best friend says I will ruin his life if I die, but I don't even care anymore. That's how selfish I am. I told him I signed my death sentence when I took that first pill for what I now realize was MILD ANXIETY. But that's how weak I was, I couldn't even take that mild discomfort. Look at me now. I know people are going through things far worse than I, but like I said, I'm weak. I've run out of options and I don't see things getting better. I've experimented with updosing and I've experimented with dropping dose and they both brought only fleeting relief. I only had 4 or 5 days of feeling "okay" and that was nothing close to as okay as I used to feel. Before everything came crashing down 6 weeks ago. It was probably a fluke since I was ovulating and that floods your body with progesterone, which is calming. So I've run out of options. Sorry to ramble on, but I guess I'm reaching out, one last time?

[Songbird]

Jess, there are really no rules to this! The 3 weeks is a recommendation and may not apply to those in poop-out. In poop-out, tapering may not work the same way. It may be that your optimum time to drop is two weeks, don't beat yourself up because it is not three. If you got some relief from this last drop, then perhaps it is time to drop again.

Also, remember that these doomy thoughts are themselves a w/d symptom (I call it the 'doomcloud'). See if you can step back and observe them instead of being totally involved with them. You haven't really run out of options, it is just the 'doomcloud' telling you that.

You are not reaching out one last time, you can reach out again and again, that's what PP is for, there is no need to be sorry, we are all here for you.

[WhatIsNormal]

Originally Posted by Songbird

You are not reaching out one last time, you can reach out again and again, that's what PP is for, there is no need to be sorry, we are all here for you.

Amen to that!

You're in a tough spot right now, it will get better. Just remember that. It will! Don't be concerned so much about the rules as to what it is that works for you, so that you can find relief.

[scotty]

Weaning schedules are not carved in stone..you do what makes things feel better. If going down doesn't "last" long, then drop again. There is no hard and fast rule, listen to your body!

[kathleen2]

Jess, if you had to be on 20mg forever, that would be a better alternative to death. Honest. There are NO rules and each of us forges our own way. There are people who get off ADs and are happy, there are people who stay on them for decades and are happy.

Are there things you've done, even little things, that have helped you feel better?

I don't think you're weak; I think you're exhausted, what Weekes calls "nervous exhaustion," with the depression that accompanies it.

I also truly believe, and forgive me if this doesn't apply to you at all, that this is the hardest time of year for many if not most people: winter + the holidays.

You're not alone, please know that.

[JessG]

Thanks everyone. I've decided to go ahead and drop and "see what happens." I don't know what else to do. I'm just worried that maybe all these symptoms are from the past drop, and I'm just now feeling them? Even though I've usually felt the symptoms on day 3 or 4 of a drop. I just don't want to risk feeling worse is all. Oh well, I'll keep y'all updated.

[ray34iyf]

For what it's worth, look at Derek and myself. Both of us were in your exact position, and both of us decided to go the faster route and get off the crap. I have a feeling that if I were to have decided to go the 10% given that the drug was wrecking me, I would be in your position. But I decided to go faster, I'm off, and it was 100% the right choice.

I am not recommending anything one way or the other... BUT, like has been said, NOTHING is written in stone and there is no one size fits all. IMO, if I were looking at another year at least of tapering and felt as bad as you do, I'd just go ahead and taper off it completely in a month or two. BUT you do what you feel is right for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[medsrnot4me]

Hi JessG,

I am so so sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I don't have a lot of experience with what you are going through (I think you are dealing with both tapering and poop out?) but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and wanted you to know that we are here for you, you are not alone.

I really appreciated your support and encouragement when I was freaking out recently and I wanted to try in some way to bring you some of the same. I really hope you are feeling better soon whatever you decide with your taper.

Michele

[Songbird]

Originally Posted by JessG

I'm just worried that maybe all these symptoms are from the past drop, and I'm just now feeling them?

This is possible, symptoms can still show up for me three or four weeks after a drop, however I am not in poop-out, so staying a long time on a drop doesn't seem to be a problem for me, I seem to get more stable the longer I stay on a dose.

I think you have two choices. You either keep dropping according to when you start to feel bad again (every two to three weeks, for example), or you try staying on one dose for a lot longer (e.g. 6 to 8 weeks) to see if you stabilise. If you keep feeling worse and worse the longer you stay on a dose, then you probably won't stabilise, which often seems to be the case for people in poop-out. If you've already tried this and not stabilised, then you have to go with option 1.

There are no rules to this, you just have to figure out what works for you, and even that can change at different dose ranges. You've done great so far, and I'm sure you are going to work this out! ((((HUGS))))

[leezo]

HIya Jess

I totally get where you're coming from. This is so bloody difficult. I don't know whether I'm in poop-out, withdrawal or just plain madness that makes me feel like my life is spiralling out of control. I am trying so hard to keep it together but, my god, it hurts. Like you, I am not able to work, am trying to do voluntary work but it is freaking me out some times. As much as I hate to say it, I often wonder if I am fundamentally ill as I don't believe anyone can feel this bad in withdrawal.I hear of people going to work every day on here and I feel so inept that I struggle to often make it out of the house and when I do, I just feel so scared. My body is in constant knots and my sleeping is pretty much disrupted.

Jess, I want to do what you always do for me - reach out to you. From what I know about you, you are such a great girl with so much potential and hope. What I've been saying to myself is this, to try and get myself through this horror: get off the crap first before jumping to any lifelong conclusions. Maybe tapering faster might work for you. I suppose it is all just the fear of everything that is the most damaging and the unknown.

Like you, I still try and pray to God - I know we're both trying to return to our faiths through this - and when I am desperate and feel like I am about to chuck up, wet or soil myself and I genuinely feel like I can't go on, I have been saying simply: 'Lord, help me and stay with me'. There is nothing more I can do at that stage. When I've prayed in the past to God in moments of absolute crisis, I've said: 'Dear Lord, if my time has come for me to die, please don't let me wake up in the morning.' And yet, every morning, I wake up. I really want to hope that my life will get to some sort of peace as living like this is just so desperate.

From the UK to the US, I am sending you a huge e-hug and know fully what you're going through. You don't deserve it - none of us. A huge injustice took place when we were prescribed this drug that is proving so hard to leave behind.

Lee

x

[JessG]

Originally Posted by Songbird

This is possible, symptoms can still show up for me three or four weeks after a drop, however I am not in poop-out, so staying a long time on a drop doesn't seem to be a problem for me, I seem to get more stable the longer I stay on a dose.

I think you have two choices. You either keep dropping according to when you start to feel bad again (every two to three weeks, for example), or you try staying on one dose for a lot longer (e.g. 6 to 8 weeks) to see if you stabilise. If you keep feeling worse and worse the longer you stay on a dose, then you probably won't stabilise, which often seems to be the case for people in poop-out. If you've already tried this and not stabilised, then you have to go with option 1.

Has that always been the case for you, that you didn't feel drops until 3-4 weeks after? Or has it changed?

If I was just feeling the effects of a drop late, then wouldn't I feel worse after another drop instead of better? I started noticing that the longer I stayed on a dose the worse I felt over the summer. Although the "bad" that I felt then was nothing near to the bad I feel nowadays. I would generally just feel down and increased anxiety and just out of it. Then I would drop and it would be like a cloud lifted. Although, now the bad feelings seem to come on all of sudden and are much worse.

Anyway, I dropped last night and feel a bit better today although I did not sleep. No tears, no suicidal thoughts and managed to get a few household things done, which are usually the first thing to go by the wayside when I feel bad. Of course the drop symptoms haven't hit yet and this week they will be coinciding with my PMS which should be FUN. So is this a good sign? Hopefully, if I do end up crashing it won't be too bad since I am still only taking 3% drops. Of course nothing about Paxil WD is predictable. Thanks for the hugs.

[JessG]

Originally Posted by ray34iyf

For what it's worth, look at Derek and myself. Both of us were in your exact position, and both of us decided to go the faster route and get off the crap. I have a feeling that if I were to have decided to go the 10% given that the drug was wrecking me, I would be in your position. But I decided to go faster, I'm off, and it was 100% the right choice.

I am not recommending anything one way or the other... BUT, like has been said, NOTHING is written in stone and there is no one size fits all. IMO, if I were looking at another year at least of tapering and felt as bad as you do, I'd just go ahead and taper off it completely in a month or two. BUT you do what you feel is right for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I see what you're saying but the thing is you and Derek were on these drugs for 3 years or less whereas I have been on Paxil for almost 13 years! At that point I pretty much have to go at the rate my body/brain can handle. Thank you for the prayers, I appreciate it and I really do think it helps.

[Pat Shields]

Remember what I said - not saying you should do it, but if you never put it in your mouth again, you will automatically be off of it! What RayRay and Derek said - I can relate. Me, I think I have told this, but I decided after being off of it for 2 days because of illness, just never to take it again. I am an either-or kinda girl. I don't think I personally could have tolerated cutting a little bit here or there. Doesn't mean I didn't have many of the effects of w/d that torture ppl here. I was just DONE with the drug, forever and ever amen. YOU CAN DO THIS, and keep up the pace, you will be off of it one day.

[Songbird]

Originally Posted by JessG

Has that always been the case for you, that you didn't feel drops until 3-4 weeks after? Or has it changed?

I start feeling the drop after about 5 days, but different symptoms come and go at different times for a few weeks. It has definitely got harder as my dose has got lower. Sorry I'm not that much help with the advice as I'm not in poop-out, but I've seen others here taper in poop-out by finding a pattern of when they feel better and then worse again and timing their drops around that. You're right, all of this is very hard to predict, we just have to do the best we can with what we've got! It sounds like you are feeling a bit better, that's good!