Despair and self-destruction

[mackenzie]

Sorry to sound so melodramatic. I don't know what's going on...yesterday I felt great. Butted heads with my daughter (home from college) today and then sunk into total despair because I wanted us to have a good summer together since she probably won't be back home next summer. I was never a depressed person before paxil, but since coming off it seems like the slightest thing--a grumpy word from my husband, my daughter venting at me, even the stupid slugs eating my kale--sends me into a weepy depression that feels impossible to climb out of and makes me want to run away from everything. I know this happened while tapering at the lower doseages, too; I usually had a day or two of feeling depressed, and it always passed. But now I'm afraid this is just the way I'm going to be without some drug--making everyone I love miserable and hating myself for it, not being able to get my work done and just write (I managed to get my assignments done during the entire WD, why does it seem so much harder now?). I came so, so close to e-mailing my editors today to tell them that I'd decided not to be a writer anymore and they'd have to give my stories to someone else, then thought--what the hell am I doing? I've worked hard for this for so many years. It feels like I'm losing it, or self-destructing or something...right now, I wish I couldn't feel again.

This scares me.

Mackenzie

[texgirl]

Mackenzie, you've been here long enough to know that (a) you're still early in the w/d process and (b) healing is not linear. It is totally common to have very good days followed by very bad ones. The fact that you didn't have this kind of depression before Paxil is a good sign, I think, that it will dissipate eventually. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up about it and do what you can. I'm a writer, too, or was. Please don't give up everything you've worked for or burn any bridges with your editors. I did, and it's so, so hard to get it back again, and those professional relationships once damaged often cannot be repaired. Just do what you can--you'll probably be (pleasantly) surprised that the work you turn out is better than you expect, and it will probably make you feel better, too. (I wrote my last novel while going through full-blown benzo w/d, and even though the experience was excruciating, some people think it's my best book.)

I don't know what kind of deadlines you have, but can you set small daily goals and work toward them? When I was trying to get back into fiction writing again, I set a goal of 600 words (or two manuscript pages) a day. I quickly found that I could write that much in about an hour, and once I started doing it every day and began to see the word count rise, it boosted both my mood and my productivity substantially.

[Gracings]

Mackenzie, could this simply (simply?) be some menopausal-related emotions? The reason that I ask is because I spent Tuesday and Wednesday battling extreme impatience with my husband and tears came all too easily. I know that I was hormonal, even though I'd recently just made a drop on Monday. I'm pretty sure that the hormones were winning out, and it wasn't really connected to my drop.

I'm tending to think that when we're off the meds, we will feel more of our hormonally-induced emotions, unfortunately.

((((((hugs you)))))))


A day at a time, OK?

[rangerNY]

Consider that feeling badly is something that human beings have to deal with now and then. Its simply part of being alive. If you didn't feel badly after a blow up with your daughter, then something would be seriously wrong. The difference is that you're learning to deal with emotions again after a long time with none, and you're only 3 months out from your last dose so there's still brain chemistry at play amplifying things.

Just accept the emotions, recognize that the meds situation is making them stronger and deeper for a while, then let them go as best you can and move on. Its all part of the re-adaptation and growth process. Keep in mind that there is a silver lining. Many (myself included) consider themselves better human beings after having gone through this experience.

[babs]

I can so relate to every word you wrote. I had those horrendous ups and downs in withdrawal too, and with every down I thought it was the end of the world and I would never get better. But it did get better and it will for you too. I also have a daughter in college and she can hurt me like no one else on earth, without even meaning to. Three months off is still early so try to be patient and know that time will heal.

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by texgirl

Mackenzie, you've been here long enough to know that (a) you're still early in the w/d process and (b) healing is not linear. It is totally common to have very good days followed by very bad ones. The fact that you didn't have this kind of depression before Paxil is a good sign, I think, that it will dissipate eventually. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up about it and do what you can. I'm a writer, too, or was. Please don't give up everything you've worked for or burn any bridges with your editors. I did, and it's so, so hard to get it back again, and those professional relationships once damaged often cannot be repaired. Just do what you can--you'll probably be (pleasantly) surprised that the work you turn out is better than you expect, and it will probably make you feel better, too. (I wrote my last novel while going through full-blown benzo w/d, and even though the experience was excruciating, some people think it's my best book.)

I don't know what kind of deadlines you have, but can you set small daily goals and work toward them? When I was trying to get back into fiction writing again, I set a goal of 600 words (or two manuscript pages) a day. I quickly found that I could write that much in about an hour, and once I started doing it every day and began to see the word count rise, it boosted both my mood and my productivity substantially.

Thank you so much, Texgirl, for being the voice of writerly wisdom and reason I desperately needed right now! I will try to set some reasonable goals for myself instead of panicking over everything that needs to be done, which accomplishes nothing. Thanks, too, for the reminder that recovery from these drugs doesn't proceed in a nice, neat linear way. I really should know this by now, but when I'm stuck in a slump everything I know goes out the window.

Mackenzie

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by Gracings

Mackenzie, could this simply (simply?) be some menopausal-related emotions? The reason that I ask is because I spent Tuesday and Wednesday battling extreme impatience with my husband and tears came all too easily. I know that I was hormonal, even though I'd recently just made a drop on Monday. I'm pretty sure that the hormones were winning out, and it wasn't really connected to my drop.

I'm tending to think that when we're off the meds, we will feel more of our hormonally-induced emotions, unfortunately.

((((((hugs you)))))))


A day at a time, OK?

Oh my gosh, you're right--I'm definitely going through meno right now, which probably explains the extreme mood swings. Though I'm sleeping better (no hot flashes for a week, thank goodness, and the WD-induced insomnia seems to be over, too), I'm still having major dry mouth at night that wakes me every few hours, which I'm sure doesn't help my mood either.

Thank you so much for the support and hug; hugs back to you!

Mackenzie

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by mackenzie

Thanks, too, for the reminder that recovery from these drugs doesn't proceed in a nice, neat linear way. I really should know this by now, but when I'm stuck in a slump everything I know goes out the window.

Mackenzie

I think this is something you can understand intellectually but only really come to believe with time. I know that my first couple of years off psych drugs, every time I hit a slump I thought it was the end of the world. But the further I got from that last dose, and the more I went through not just the ups and downs of w/d but the ups and downs of living in the real world, the more I really began to realize that slumps, just like peaks or whatever you choose to call the good times, are always transient. Our moods are shifting constantly, and I can finally, four years after coming off meds, say that I don't slide into total despair anymore when I hit a slump because I really do understand that it will pass and that, if not ecstatic happiness, then at least contentment and equilibrium are just around the corner. You're very early in the process yet, so cut yourself some slack! It takes time and patience, but you'll get there.

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by rangerNY

Consider that feeling badly is something that human beings have to deal with now and then. Its simply part of being alive. If you didn't feel badly after a blow up with your daughter, then something would be seriously wrong. The difference is that you're learning to deal with emotions again after a long time with none, and you're only 3 months out from your last dose so there's still brain chemistry at play amplifying things.

Just accept the emotions, recognize that the meds situation is making them stronger and deeper for a while, then let them go as best you can and move on. Its all part of the re-adaptation and growth process. Keep in mind that there is a silver lining. Many (myself included) consider themselves better human beings after having gone through this experience.

Thank you, Drew. I always appreciate your wise words and support so much. I realized today I'm doing much better at dealing with anxiety and panic--but these periods of despondency really throw me, even though I know feeling sad at times is just part of life. I think you're saying that the same cognitive strategies which work for anxiety will work for depression, and it makes perfect sense to me, but it seems so much harder somehow.

Thanks again,

Mackenzie

[fishy]

3 days ago you wrote a post called "throwing out some hope" where you describe a triumph over your condition at a writer's conference. That person is still you. The success is still there. The HOPE is what you were writing about. Now you need to live the HOPE until you feel better. You can do it.

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by babs

I can so relate to every word you wrote. I had those horrendous ups and downs in withdrawal too, and with every down I thought it was the end of the world and I would never get better. But it did get better and it will for you too. I also have a daughter in college and she can hurt me like no one else on earth, without even meaning to. Three months off is still early so try to be patient and know that time will heal.

Thank you, Babs, it helps to know people have been there, and survived (though I'm sorry you went through this, too). You said it perfectly. My daughter and I have always been extremely close (she's my only child), so it just kills me when I feel like she doesn't care or still love me. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel bad, and I remember how it was to be in college...but it still hurts.

Thank you so much for letting me know things will get better.

Mackenzie

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by fishy

3 days ago you wrote a post called "throwing out some hope" where you describe a triumph over your condition at a writer's conference. That person is still you. The success is still there. The HOPE is what you were writing about. Now you need to live the HOPE until you feel better. You can do it.

Wow, Fishy--thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I looked at that thread last night and felt bad I'd followed up only 2 days later with such a bummer of a post. I'll try to find that person again.

Mackenzie

[mackenzie]

Originally Posted by texgirl

I think this is something you can understand intellectually but only really come to believe with time. I know that my first couple of years off psych drugs, every time I hit a slump I thought it was the end of the world. But the further I got from that last dose, and the more I went through not just the ups and downs of w/d but the ups and downs of living in the real world, the more I really began to realize that slumps, just like peaks or whatever you choose to call the good times, are always transient. Our moods are shifting constantly, and I can finally, four years after coming off meds, say that I don't slide into total despair anymore when I hit a slump because I really do understand that it will pass and that, if not ecstatic happiness, then at least contentment and equilibrium are just around the corner. You're very early in the process yet, so cut yourself some slack! It takes time and patience, but you'll get there.

This gives me so much hope. Many thanks again, Texgirl!

Mackenzie

[fishy]

Originally Posted by mackenzie

Wow, Fishy--thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I looked at that thread last night and felt bad I'd followed up only 2 days later with such a bummer of a post. I'll try to find that person again.

Mackenzie

No need to look for that person. She is you. Just give yourself some slack and some time. You'll be feeling good soon.

[NewbGuy]

Originally Posted by mackenzie

Sorry to sound so melodramatic. I don't know what's going on...yesterday I felt great. Butted heads with my daughter (home from college) today and then sunk into total despair because I wanted us to have a good summer together since she probably won't be back home next summer. I was never a depressed person before paxil, but since coming off it seems like the slightest thing--a grumpy word from my husband, my daughter venting at me, even the stupid slugs eating my kale--sends me into a weepy depression that feels impossible to climb out of and makes me want to run away from everything. I know this happened while tapering at the lower doseages,

This scares me.

Mackenzie

Can totally relate. The whole ride is very up and down and everytime I start to feel extra bad (yesterday and today) I swear this is the time I'll never come out of it. I can also relate in that I was never depressed or anxious for no reason before Paxil but now I am much like u even though we both did very slow tapers. I guess I thought (as I'm sure you did) that if u tapered slowly ur withdraw would we very minimized and that u would sorta gradually fade out of it. Instead even with a slow taper it seems that withdraw sorta comes back with a vengeance once we are fully off and it likes to give us some particularly bad days as well.

But as others have said, the healing is not totally linear and we all know that these days are followed by better days and as we heal hopefully these bad days will become more and more rare! It is always comforting (and I guess discomforting ) to know that there are other who are doing the same sort of mental gynastics and that even this is all part of the process.

All the best. You will get through this and u will be stronger for the next time!