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Old 10-23-2011, 03:57 AM   #1
lotusflower's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,326
My Prayer

Like some others here, I grew up in a toxic environment. I was the youngest of six and was made to believe that I could not survive without the help and support of othersÖ.my siblings and mother specifically. I always had to play small, to be helpless. I recall an incident when I was very young when I was stuck at the top of an advertising sign. I had climbed up the steps in the back of the sign and got stuck under a bar at the top. I froze in terror and could not move. I began to scream and panic. My oldest sister, who was nearby, came running. She was not coordinated and not at all athletic, yet she flew up the steps to rescue me. That one incident is a metaphor for my life. I have in fact, always worked and supported myself, never asked for anyone to bail me out of any financial issue, never been in any trouble with the law, have had a successful life really. And did it on my own.
But I have this belief that if I am successful and happy and can do things on my own and without help from others, that I may somehow cease to exist, that I may die. And I feel that if I can succeed and do things on my own, be independent and happy that others will resent me, wonít like me, be jealous of me and leave me and therefore Iíll be all alone. This has caused me a great deal of suffering.
Iím always having to check in the eyes of others if I am liked or not. And I will adjust my speech and behavior accordingly. If I didnít do this as a child, it was dangerous because it might mean death (in the mind of the child that I was)Ö.it was dangerous to not appease everyone. The emotional abandonment and possible physical abuse was too painful. I am currently sitting in a hellish w/d hole. Total black and despair. Ö.which brings me to yesterday. I met friends for lunch. Through the filter of total black and despair, it felt like no one liked me. It was a horrific feeling that I carried with me throughout the evening and awoke with throughout the night. Whether they in fact like me isnít really the point here, in fact, it isnít important. This need to be accepted and liked is one of the main reasons I began to take zoloft. The misery and suffering that I experience in relationships is just too overwhelming to manage on my own. My belief is that I need something outside myself in order to survive, to live, to manage, or I will die.
And when other people could not help me to feel better inside myself, I turned to zoloft.
And when zoloft stopped working, I felt like not living any more. I am not suicidal however. I will not allow my life to be a casualty of this drug. But the w/d has me so fatigued that it is hard to know how to empower myself out of this need for others, the world, to be my mother. I went to therapy for most of my adult life. In some ways it helped, but mostly, it further validated my belief that I need someone else to take care of me. That I am not enough on my own. Therefore, I wonít be doing therapy again any time soon.
I am writing all this out in the hope that I can sort it out and come to an acceptance of myself, my worn out self who is just so tired of jumping through hoops in order to be liked and not feel anxious. The anxiety is what led me to zoloft. I donít know how to stop needing to be liked, approved of, helped, supported, and fixed. All I can do right now is recognize it and give it to God and ask God to remove it. I can not do it alone. Nor can any human power. Nor can zoloft. I pray that God will.
AKA Joanne

11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45
1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8
3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5
6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4
8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5
10/10 11.2 11/6 10.6 11/9 11.2
12/7 10.5 1/1/12 10 2/1 9.5
3/1 9 3/23 8.5 4/30 8
5/29 7.5 6/26 7 7/31 6.5
8/22 6 9/15 5.5 10/20 5
12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid)
12/26 4.5 1/28 4.1 2/4 4.0
February 9, 2013 last sliver zoloft 4.0mg.
February 10, 2013- 0 mg. zoloft
lotusflower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2011, 10:27 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 214
Re: My Prayer


God can and will help you. You have attained great insight into these feelings, and you write with a determination to solve these incorrect notions. Please remember that withdrawal can create and increase depression. From what I've read, Zoloft is a bear to get off of - but look how far you have come! Perhaps, it's time to reduce the percent of taper to under 10%.

From what you have written of your history, there is no wonder that you suffer from low self-esteem. My heart goes out to you. You are important, God loves you, and God has great plans for you.

God bless you. I'll be praying for you.

jaws51 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2011, 03:43 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 298
Re: My Prayer

You are a very strong person to have always supported and relied on yourself. I know that withdrawal in hell and it is adding to your feelings. I am going through it too. I have never felt as vulnerable as I do now. You are not alone and I will pray for you as well as all of us here. Please take care of yourself.
Xpaxilslave is offline   Reply With Quote

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