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Family Support Paxil affects whole families. This forum is to support those closest to our hearts (spouses, partners, brothers, sisters etc.) who need help to understand and support.

Adverse Drug Reaction Reporting    FDA Warnings    Published Withdrawal Studies    Pregnancy Warnings    Forum Psychology

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Old 08-15-2011, 10:34 AM   #201
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meredith View Post
Lauren, Ive read your story and it is very inspiring. Your story gives me hope...I am going through the same exact situation...except I don't have a child. I was reading this and noticed you are getting your BS in Biology and applying to PA school....that is my plan too!!!! I just can't believe there are so many similarities between us. I hope your marriage is doing great...My husband just started tapering off his AD....If you have any words of wisdom for me and what I am going through please let me know.
Hi Meredith,

That is awesome, good for you! PA school is such a great choice. I think you will enjoy it!

Regarding your husband and what you guys have been through...my most valuable advice that I was given, and that I stand by, is to always remember who your husband is. Not who he appears to be while on Paxil, but who you know him to be deep down. Remember him, and stand by him, as hard as this sounds. I don't know your entire situation, but given that it is similar to mine, it helps if you understand that the things that have happened while he was on Paxil (whatever has happened) were not testaments to his character or his personality. It's a very complex situation, but definitely a medically induced one.


I hope your husbands gets through a quick recovery and I wish you loads of luck!!! Please feel free to email me if you have any other questions or need any additional advice.
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Old 10-28-2011, 12:46 PM   #202
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

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Old 10-28-2011, 03:35 PM   #203
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

You all look so happy! Congratulations on everything! I hope I'm posting happy pictures like that by next Halloween!
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Old 12-27-2011, 11:54 PM   #204
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Merry Christmas!!!



I hope everyone is enjoying the last bit of 2011! I wish everyone happiness, peace, and much love for 2012.

lauren
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Old 12-28-2011, 02:48 PM   #205
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

I've never posted before. Here or anywhere.

My wife has been on an SSRI for 8 months, and the love stopped almost immediately after her dose was doubled from 10mg to 20mg. That was two months ago.

But I'm not here to tell my story. Rather, I want to let you (Lauren) know that I bookmarked this thread last month, and I use it as a source of hope, and to keep telling myself that the love and support I'm giving my wife while she is "not acting right" is indeed the right thing to do.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how many people never put it together that the medicine can do this. Hopefully I can find the time and strength to tell my story soon, although it seems like a blur because it's happening in realtime.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:36 AM   #206
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

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I've never posted before. Here or anywhere.

My wife has been on an SSRI for 8 months, and the love stopped almost immediately after her dose was doubled from 10mg to 20mg. That was two months ago.

But I'm not here to tell my story. Rather, I want to let you (Lauren) know that I bookmarked this thread last month, and I use it as a source of hope, and to keep telling myself that the love and support I'm giving my wife while she is "not acting right" is indeed the right thing to do.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how many people never put it together that the medicine can do this. Hopefully I can find the time and strength to tell my story soon, although it seems like a blur because it's happening in realtime.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through anything like what I went through. But I think that is very admirable of you to support, love, and stand by your wife when the feeling is not mutual. I have said this before to MANY people who have contacted me, and I would like to share it with you. The one thing I learned from all of this is that the changes that your wife goes through while messing with dosages, and even Paxil itself, are not testaments to her character. I always hear people say, "Paxil has finally let them be their 'real' selves." This is never the case. Please don't take anything she says or does personally; you have to just accept that she is a different person while on Paxil. With my husband, he was a straight up monster, and I wished every day that he would just drop to the floor. It sounds deplorable, but Paxil took my husband away and left me with a cold, empty, arrogant, apathetic, scary splinter of a chemically altered side of my husband that I had never seen. I am not exaggerating that I actually mourned him as if he had died. To me, he had, and I had a hard time dealing with that.

Don't lose hope. Have faith and never forget who your wfe is and how she feels about you. Those feelings are not gone, just buried, coated in Paxil.

Please let me know if you have any questions, or just need to talk.

lauren
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Old 01-26-2012, 07:52 AM   #207
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Lauren, I have been skimming through your thread and I was wondering if you had ever noticed a physical change in the apperance of you husband while on the AD's. I can't explain exactly but my wife actually has different facial expressions and coloring depending on mood. It really freaks me out.
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:33 AM   #208
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Hi,

Actually, yes. My husband even had a different style when he dressed. He spoke differently to me, and to other people. He just had a different personality, I can't explain it. He wore really obnoxious clothing and spoke to people as if he were a king or something. Very arrogant and entitled. He has not revealed even a sliver of what he was while on Paxil, otherwise I would not be with him.

Is your wife coming off the medicine?
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:58 AM   #209
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

The plan was/is a year post pregnancy, which will be April 2012. I am really worried considering the discipline needed to wean. If she experiences anything she will stay on it. I only hope she includes me while doing so, hopefully I can explain my fears and get her to research for herself so she becomes aware of what she'll need to do....

Oh the arrogance and entitlement is definitely being experienced, she also likes to threaten me lately as a way to manipulate. The way she talks and even smells is strange too.

Thanks!
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Old 03-07-2012, 09:20 AM   #210
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Hi Lauren

I cant tell you how much your story had helped, you are amazing! To go through all that when you were pregnant then have your world fall apart so devastatingly when bub was only a few weeks old, It must have been unbearable and I dont know where you found your strength.

Can I ask how you handled your husband / spoke to him? Mine has actually left me and our small child and behaves 'like a king' though he is reducing his ssri (prozac) and his attitude is improving, he is still a selfish egomaniac who is clearly sleeping with someone else and is making it clear he still blames me for the way he feels. Though I know this is not the man I love and i still want to support that man, I cannot be friendly to him and all my previous attempts to suggest it was the drugs were laughed at.... I tend to talk to him calmly and factually but I just wondered how you treated James when he was behaving badly?

I hope you and your beautiful family are healthy and happy and that its all a distant memory for you now.
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Old 03-19-2012, 11:52 PM   #211
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Hi there,

I am sorry to have not read this sooner, I only just saw it. Although this does seem like it happened last year, I can't believe it's now been almost three years!

My husband and I do not even talk about it; we refer to it as "2009", and that's it. Frankly, I can speak openly and objectively about everything that happened, because it brings no feelings to me. At the time, yes, I thought I was dying from the inside out, but today, I feel no sadness. It's almost a bittersweet.

When my husband went through the denial/bad behavior, I found that leaving him was the best thing for me. However, he enjoyed it because it got me out of his way. It was hard to compete with another woman, especially being 40 pounds heavier than pre-pregnancy, crazy hormones, etc. It was not easy. However, I survived by remembering my husband, the man I married- not the one that was being so horrible. When he was saying horrible, heartbreaking things to me, I let it cut through my heart and sever my soul. After a while, I realized that it wasn't my husband, but a side effect of Paxil. I know it looks like I am just making up a way to deal with what happened, but I think I can attest to my husband's character.

If your husband is still being mean, apathetic, then try to have some space. Don't try to argue with him, as it is like arguing with the TV. If he is willing to come off of it, give him time to come back down to normal. It might be several months, but be patient. Just keep remembering your husband, the real one, and hopefully he will see what the medicine has done to him. From what we hear on the other posts is they usually do recognize the damage that was done while medicated.

I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any other questions.
Be strong!
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Old 03-19-2012, 11:59 PM   #212
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ireallydocare View Post
The plan was/is a year post pregnancy, which will be April 2012. I am really worried considering the discipline needed to wean. If she experiences anything she will stay on it. I only hope she includes me while doing so, hopefully I can explain my fears and get her to research for herself so she becomes aware of what she'll need to do....

Oh the arrogance and entitlement is definitely being experienced, she also likes to threaten me lately as a way to manipulate. The way she talks and even smells is strange too.

Thanks!


What my husband said helped him to finally get that what everyone was telling him was true, was reading the stories here. Have you tried to sit down with her and show her the stories that relate most to your situation? That would be a good start.

I hope everything is working out?
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:07 PM   #213
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Hi Lauren
Thank you so much for your response.... Can I ask how you competed with the other woman - I dont even want to, I'm too angry and it seems pointless. I havent spoken to him in a personal way in a long while and he has improved since then but not enough to have a constructive conversation with.... something happened recently and I'm not sure he is going to continue with reducing so I feel like I need to speak to him but just dont want him to think I want him back (because that isnt the case as he currently is) as this seems to put him in a position of power where he can hurt me even more. I have put boundaries in place and dont want to drop them.

I see you showed your husband this site - did you do anything else? How did you do that and still keep your boundaries? Thankyou!
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:21 AM   #214
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

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Hi Lauren
Thank you so much for your response.... Can I ask how you competed with the other woman - I dont even want to, I'm too angry and it seems pointless. I havent spoken to him in a personal way in a long while and he has improved since then but not enough to have a constructive conversation with.... something happened recently and I'm not sure he is going to continue with reducing so I feel like I need to speak to him but just dont want him to think I want him back (because that isnt the case as he currently is) as this seems to put him in a position of power where he can hurt me even more. I have put boundaries in place and dont want to drop them.

I see you showed your husband this site - did you do anything else? How did you do that and still keep your boundaries? Thankyou!
When I say "compete", I guess I mean try to win him back. My goal was to convince him that who he was on Paxil was not who he is deep down. He was living in a fantasy world, where another woman was telling him everything his paxil induced alter ego was trying to tell him. She was something new and exciting, and i was a reminder or the anxiety that he felt while not on medication. I called her at work and told her to leave him alone, I told her husband what they were doing; I made it very stressful for them to be together. At the same time, I distanced myself and didn't talk to him. Eventually he got off the Paxil and had no one around him. I slowly started coming around, and let him see our son. Eventually it got to the point where I moved back home. We lived separately, because he was still "not there" with his emotions for me. It took months of patience, but eventually I started going out at night. He was taking too long to tell me if we had a future, so I wanted him to wonder what I was up to. I stayed out all night, and told him I was going out with friends, got all dressed up (after the baby went to bed, of course) and left without saying where I was going. He acted like it didn't bother him, and I wasn't doing it out of spite, I just wanted him to think I could move on if he couldn't move on with me.

What he didn't know is that I was getting dressed up to go to Denny's, since it was open 24 hours, to study. Of course i didn't have time to go out, i was trying to get through school. I guess I wanted him to see me having a good time, and not sitting around waiting on him. It took maybe 2 weeks before he told me that he wanted to start over. And it's been great ever since.

So, if you set your boundaries with him, do not cross them. You need to have a plan and make sure you stick to it. My husband was only on paxil for 7 months, or so, and I knew if by 7 months later, if he wasn't making progress, then there was permanent damage for us, and I was going to move on.

I hope this helps? I do tend to ramble on and on when I'm at work ;-)
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:55 AM   #215
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Thanks Lauren - I cant tell you how much you have helped! That is basically how I am treating him, but have given up on telling him it may be the drugs. It isnt a game plan, I cant be his friend whilst he treating me the way he is.... am going to speak to him about the drugs again because there are things that are worrying me specifically.... so wish me luck. He has lost a lot of the arrogance but is still in a fantasy world so I dont think I will get a good reaction.

Edited to add I'm not trying to gte him back right now - I dont know what I want except for my child to feel properly loved by his Father.....
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:17 PM   #216
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Hi all, I just wanted to give a short update. My husband and I just celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary, and have been together 8 years now. Can't believe how time is flying! I graduate this December, and am awaiting interviews for PA school. It's all fallen into place.

Sam turned 3 in May, and is quite the handsome man. Next March we will be expecting our second child, and we are very excited! It's weird for me to have this love and support from my husband this time around, since last time was such hell. I'm enjoying every minute of our happy family, and I hope many of those looking for support on this website never lose faith in what they believe in.

Don't lose hope, and keep on keeping on!!
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:18 PM   #217
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

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Thanks Lauren - I cant tell you how much you have helped! That is basically how I am treating him, but have given up on telling him it may be the drugs. It isnt a game plan, I cant be his friend whilst he treating me the way he is.... am going to speak to him about the drugs again because there are things that are worrying me specifically.... so wish me luck. He has lost a lot of the arrogance but is still in a fantasy world so I dont think I will get a good reaction.

Edited to add I'm not trying to gte him back right now - I dont know what I want except for my child to feel properly loved by his Father.....
How are you doing? How have things been going? I have been wondering about you.
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Old 08-09-2012, 08:18 AM   #218
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

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Hi all, I just wanted to give a short update. My husband and I just celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary, and have been together 8 years now. Can't believe how time is flying! I graduate this December, and am awaiting interviews for PA school. It's all fallen into place.

Sam turned 3 in May, and is quite the handsome man. Next March we will be expecting our second child, and we are very excited! It's weird for me to have this love and support from my husband this time around, since last time was such hell. I'm enjoying every minute of our happy family, and I hope many of those looking for support on this website never lose faith in what they believe in.

Don't lose hope, and keep on keeping on!!
Lauren,

I read your entire thread yesterday and today. I am awed by your strength of character. Your family and friends are indeed lucky to have you.
So happy to hear your family is growing larger! Thank you for continuing to update and give others so much hope. Inspiring story. joanne
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Old 08-11-2012, 03:21 AM   #219
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

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How are you doing? How have things been going? I have been wondering about you.
Hi Lauren
Thank you so much for asking about me.... where to start???? I dont come on here at all really now as I found it was all I was doing, looking for hope that my lovely husband would come back to me and it would all be ok. I literally spent all my spare time researching and crying and it just wasnt healthy for me. I do like to check in from time to time though and see how everyone is and I am so glad to hear that it is all going so well for you. Thank you so much for updating this thread because it must give so many people hope, there are so few stories of a successful outcome.

My husband is still separated from me. He is either reduced right down to 10mg or may even be off completely now (but this would be recent)... he is being a much better Father to our child and is more interested in him but it is only when it suits him and its not on the level it would have been pre drugs. The arrogance seems to be gone but he is still a completely different person, doesnt speak to any old friends anymore, but goes out with people he had no time for before. He behaves like a teenager with no responsibilities. I dont think he is still seeing the woman he was when he left but dont know who he is / isn't seeing. At times he seems nervous, other times bouncy and confident.

A couple of months ago I gave him some evidence it was the drugs and he thanked me but then later behaved really badly and scoffed at the idea it was the drugs - that was the last time I spoke to him about it. Its still really difficult, though I have rediscovered me and am quite happy in my day to day life I am still largely a single parent and have times when I just feel beyond heartbroken about it. It is especially hard when he takes our son for visitation - I feel he / the drugs have cut my family in two and it is devastating. His parents treat me like crap, like I have done something hideous...

The reality is he abused or didnt care about me for the last couple of years of our relationship, and its nearly a year since he left physically - though he left mentally a long time before that.... so its over 3 years since I have had any sort of reciprocal relationship with him... its so difficult because I still love him so much but I have accepted that he has the feelings he has - drug induced or not. If he doesnt want to see what I am, what we were there is absolutely nothing I can do.... I tried so hard to save my marriage and to save him but he just does not care about me and doesnt want saving.
3 years is a long time to live without anyone loving you and I want someone to love me - to worry what time I am coming home, to hold my hand when I'm scared, just to care about me.... so I have made the very painful decision to move on. There is a potential candidate but it is early, early days and it may come to nothing.... we are still in the shy looks stage but he's so, so nice so if he asks me on a date I will say (a terrified) yes. My husband has my never ending support and love and if he needs me I will allways be there but I need more than this.

Sorry to all those looking for hope that this isnt what they want to hear. It is a happy ending in that I have discovered so much about myself, positive qualities I didnt know I had... empathy, sympathy, the ability to love someone unconditionally.... and the abilty to COPE under such strain that only those who have been through this can understand, raise an amazing child by myself, to be happy and ok by myself....
Sending you all love and hope....
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Old 09-15-2012, 10:31 AM   #220
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

I'm glad to hear to from you, yet sorry your husband still seems to be so far away. 10mg was not too far where my husband was on for the most time.

However, despite everything you've been through- I still see a happy ending for you! Learning about yourself and realizing your capacity for emotional strength and undying love for your husband, after all he's done, is not something you can find in a self-help book. You've come a long way in these three years and although you've done everything you could, you survived one of the hardest things you can personally go through; having a loving spouse stolen by a drug.

I can definitely say that you are a strong woman, and you should be very proud of yourself and everything you've accomplished. I can say from experience that things that used to get to me or bother me now seem ridiculously trivial compared to my 2009. It makes you so strong and capable of anything- something you only learn by experience.

I'm glad you've started to move on. I think that's the best thing to do. You can only know yourself and you need to take care of you first.

Good luck to you!!!!
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Old 09-23-2012, 01:43 PM   #221
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Lauren - thank you so much for your lovely reply.... its taken me a while to respond because i was in a bit of a tailspin when you posted - I hope you understand....

In early September (on what would have been our wedding anniversary) I got a completely unsolicited text from my husband telling me he missed me. It was a complete shock but I said I would think about what he had said and then we would talk. I have to say I was in no hurry to do this.... I had had to put my boundaries in place and 'bury' a lot of feelings to be able to cope.... and as you know from my last post I had just started to be sort of ok with it all. We finally met on the night before last and he basically said he feels like his head has been gradually getting clearer and clearer, and that he knows he has done terrible things. He admitted sleeping with his ex girlfriend - and that he has been a relationship with her up until about July, but that he had been thinking clearer since April / May time... and he was now on zero drugs. He says he misses everything about me, is grateful Im even talking to him, and is wearing his wedding ring again. He still doesnt seem completely well but is much better. I'm scared to let him back in because I dont know how much was the drugs and how much was depression... and how sure I am he has a plan in place to deal with future issues.... but its nice to see him being able to talk rationally and humbly and most importantly being a attentive and loving Dad. We have agreed to be friends and see how things go...
For those looking for success stories when off the drugs.... and I know how important it is.... lauren gave me so much hope..... I could see increasing flashes of him with every reduction, he didnt need to tell me, I knew and though I think he still has a way to go I do feel very positive for him. The conversations we have had over the last couple of days just would not have been possible a few months ago.
I can try and put some timelines against it all if people would like... am really tired and emotional right now so cant right now but will if needed.
Love and peace to all x
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Old 09-23-2012, 04:31 PM   #222
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

That is really awesome to hear. That is exactly how my husband did. He slowly started to get a clear head after coming off the medication. It did take approx a year from the time he completely quit cold turkey, until the time where he was completely the same (and much better!) man I married.

I did wonder how much of it was Paxil-related and how much was done on his own, but at the end of the day, it came down to my intuition. I knew that the man I married would never have lied to me or hurt me. With that being said, I sort of buried all of my feelings regarding 2009 and in the most healthy way. We seriously can talk openly about what happened, how I felt, and it doesn't upset me one bit. Because I have him by my side and he has spent the last 3 years making it up to me. Ultimately I knew my husband, and I knew what he wasn't, and it was that which got me through the worst of it.

I am so happy for you- if anything, just for the fact that now you can see that your husband was sort of taken hostage by the meds and that you did not deserve anything that he served to you during that time. You were a supportive, patient wife and he is damn luck to have you. And not to mention, amazingly strong!

I feel like after a few months go by, you guys will start to work through everything. I want to definitely know what's going on, and I hope you look after yourself first and foremost. I hated when people told me that, but now I see how true it was. No matter who you're married to, who you trust, who you love...at the end of the day, you only really have you. So be the greatest, strongest, healthiest you can be and you will be fine
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Old 09-23-2012, 04:34 PM   #223
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

I'm sorry, not a year, but about 7 or 8 months until he was completely better....but I added a couple for good measure
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:19 PM   #224
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Lauren, thank you so much, you are such an amazing and wise woman! Your husband is a very lucky man!!!
It does feel good to have him being nicer to me.... I find it really hard to trust it though... he has hurt me so badly and I dont know who he is now and I think from the research Ive done he may slip back before getting better again.... so friends it is and we will go from there.

It would be great to fall in love with him again but as you say it takes time.... but for the first time in my life I feel I have that. I have never been single before and Ive learnt I am fine by myself and I dont need to rush!

Will keep you updated, thanks again xxx
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Old 01-07-2013, 09:59 AM   #225
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Re: My name is Lauren and I'm looking for my husband.

Sadme, how are you doing? I was thinking about you and wondering how things had been going. I hope it's been all good news!
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