The Road to Normal

[kathryn]

I've decided to journal about my experiences with panic, as well as IBS (since they are definitely intertwined) and of course Paxil. I think it will help me learn about my own triggers and maybe even help some others feel that they are not alone.


I can remember being anxious way back when I was little. Looking back, I definitely had separation anxiety. I used to cry when my parents would leave me with a babysitter or even with relatives. I would cry and make them stay in my room at night until I fell asleep. I cried going to school quite often. The only thing that saved me in school was that mom was a teacher at my school, so I got to see her sometimes during the day. I would RARELY sleep over my friends houses, for which they often made fun of me. I would try so hard to sleep over, because I knew that it could be fun, but as it drew near bedtime, I would cry and ask to go home. There was a few times that I stuck it out and slept over, but probably 90% of the time I ended up going home. I missed out on a lot of fun sleepovers because of it.

The separation anxiety got better as I got older, although I ended up attending a college that was close to home and I often came home on the weekends because I missed being around my family.

I was always anxious, besides the separation anxiety. I would get really excited/nervous/anxious about school field trips, family vacations, etc. In fact I would get so worked up that I would throw up. It became a common occurrence for me to get physically ill before big events. It also didn't help that I got car sick easily, so combine being anxious about a big trip and then being in the car for 3 hours...not pretty!

A lot of the anxiety was manageable throughout my childhood and into high school, I would just occasionally get nervous about big events or doing presentations at school. But it was never anything more than some nausea or maybe even getting sick, but then I'd feel better.

In college, I often had the usual nausea and nervous butterflies. After my first 2 years of college, I made the decision to transfer schools and go into a nursing program. I did the program for a year, and ended up failing one of my classes, which was going to hold me back in the program for an extra year. After a lot of thinking, I decided that nursing wasn't for me. It was right around that same time that my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me, which I took VERY badly. I became depressed and self-destructive. My friends were great and helped me through that tough time.

I then decided to double major in Psychology and Fine Arts. I also met a really great guy and we began dating. A year after we started dating was when the panic attacks began. I was working two jobs that summer, one at a coffee shop and one as a swim team assistant coach. I started having panic attacks at work...but at the time I didn't know they were panic attacks. All of a sudden I would feel dizzy, faint, nauseous, feel like I couldn't breathe, etc. I began having them at home, in anticipation of going to work. My dad and my brother both had panic attacks when they were younger, so I guess you could say I was genetically predisposed. My dad knew exactly what was happening to me, and would try to help me get through it. That summer was probably the worst summer of my life, because I became agoraphobic due to the panic attacks. My boyfriend couldn't get me to go anywhere, and when I did try, I would have an attack and need to go home.

I ended up seeing a therapist for some talk therapy. It wasn't really helping, so I began to see a psychiatrist and we tried some different meds. Some worked, but I had a lot of side effects...some didn't work. After trying Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc I was put on Paxil which seemed to work pretty well. At the time I was naive and thought that meds would be the best thing because they would make me feel better fast. I wish I had researched more and tried everything else before going on meds, because now it's so hard to come off.

Fast forward to now...

I've been on paxil for at least 3 years now, maybe more...I can't even keep track. I've been seeing a therapist for CBT, but it seems to me it's more like talk therapy. It doesn't seem like it's working all that well.

My husband (who has been with me through it all, he's that awesome guy that I met after I got dumped) and I are hoping to have kids in a next few years. But I know that being on meds is NOT ok during pregnancy. I had tried a few months back to begin to wean off paxil, and I was having a lot of headaches. My doc wanted to switch me to Zoloft, which was stupid. She said "zoloft is safer during pregnancy than paxil". Well I really don't want to be on ANY drug when I get pregnant. But for some stupid reason I listened to her. I ended up having an allergic reaction to Zoloft, and had to stop taking it. I went back on paxil, at a very low dose of 5mg. It wasn't enough, and I was having tons of panic attacks and headaches etc. So she told me to go back up to 15mg and try to stabilize and we would figure it all out once I was feeling better.


I am somewhat stabilized now, but I've been having a lot of IBS flare ups. I want to start a family, but I don't know how I am going to get off these meds. I don't know how I will be able to function at work while going through withdrawals. I'm totally scared and I feel somewhat helpless, because my psychiatrist seems to think I'm never going to be able to function without meds.



So I guess that's the condensed version of how the panic and everything all started. Hopefully writing about all of this will be therapeutic for me.

[Becky]

Wow... thanks for journalling... it's nice to "meet" you!

"my psychiatrist seems to think I'm never going to be able to function without meds." - just to question that a little, I bet you spent some very functional years of your life without meds my dear, even if it feels like forever ago, or less than "functional"... You sound like a very intelligent woman with some loving support systems already in place... and while your psychiatrist may be considered an expert in mental health... you are the expert at experiencing you, and living life with your body, your beliefs, your environment...

Wishing you all the best in your endeavours to reclaiming your life my dear! As Dr Seuss says "Oh the places you will go" ;-)

[kathryn]

Thanks Becky!

I have an appointment with the therapist in an hour. I'm not sure how I feel about going. I don't know if these sessions are really doing anything for me. It's frustrating to keep spending money on copays and feeling like it's not helping. I just want to be "normal" again. I want to be able to spontaneously go places, and not have to prepare myself beforehand.

I guess we'll see how this session goes.

[chiropteran]

Welcome to pp journal-land Kathryn. You will get that 'normal' back, I'm sure of it - but the slower you go with your taper after stabilising, the easier it will come.

[kathryn]

Well I had my therapy session on Monday. Some things came up that got me really emotional, I guess I didn't realize how much they were weighing on me.

I got emotional about my parents, specifically losing them. I am SOOO afraid of them dying. I have no reason to be so worried, they are both in good health. I just can't imagine what I will do someday without them. I'm also worried about my Dad, because he hasn't been to the doctors in ages. He refuses to go, we don't know if something happened to him when he was younger to make him so afraid and distrusting of doctors. Even his brother doesn't understand it. We just want him to go have a checkup, to make sure everything is good. There is a history of cancer on his side of the family. His father died of liver cancer, and his mother had breast cancer multiple times. Also, he spends a lot of time outside in the summer and often doesn't wear sunscreen so we are concerned about skin cancer. But he refuses to see a doctor, because he feels that if something is wrong he'd rather not know and just die. We all want him to be around for years so we will be able to be there when we have children. Talking about this with the therapist made me very emotional.

And then a related subject, my relationship with my siblings. I don't have as great of a relationship with them as I'd like, and i think it's mainly because they live almost 2 hours away and we are all pretty busy. I'm hoping that we will all grow closer as time goes on and we all have kids.

One thing that I don't like about therapy is the awkward silences. I will talk about something and then stop, and the therapist just sits there and looks at me before he says anything. I don't know, it just makes me uncomfortable.

He seems to think that I'm doing fairly well at challenging my negative thoughts and avoiding any avoidance behaviors. I just wish I could see more of an improvement in my anxiety. I am worried about the future, about getting off my meds so I can safely get pregnant. I am worried that I will be a total mess without meds. I know I shouldn't worry so much and I should stop thinking the worst, but isn't that what we anxious people do?

I wish there was an easy way to get off paxil, and an easy way to get rid of panic and anxiety. Why does it have to be such a hard process?