When did you begin seeing significant improvement (turned a corner)?

[miriza]

Thanks for your words nickels! It gives me hope! I want my old self back; my family needs me so much!

[lmac]

Originally Posted by miriza

Hi lmac! Hmmm...what can I say?! I've been oscillating a lot between feeling bad and terrible Hey! At least it's better than terrible all the time!

My symptoms are now cycling rapidly...it's like I'm going through a condensed (hopefully) version of acute withdrawal. Every day now has distinct themes based on a major dominant symptom or two. The obsessive intrusive thoughts are always there though I know for sure that is going to be the last symptom to leave me since it is the worse one (close second one is anger). Visual DR, brain fog, cognitive issues, mania and psychosis seem to have left for good, but I don't want to jinx it. I thought the same about terror but it came back for a day or two...even insomnia came back for a night (after sleeping ok for 4/6 months of withdrawal--uggh).

One thing is gone for sure and that is the doubt. Now I KNOW 200% sure it's withdrawal. It's crystal clear to me how I reacted adversely to each and every one of the drugs. I hope the doubt that I will ever heal also goes away. I just think I'm not a window-type person. I think I just heal slooowly with symptoms slooooowly leaving me.

My terror also disappeared with a couple of very brief reoccurances. I too find that my "feeling better" and "anhedonia/despair/intrusive thoughts" cycle rapidly now. Instead of having 2 weeks of acute wd and then a few days of "better" (but never really good) days, I find I cycle between the 2 almost EVERY day. I'm not sure if this means I'm getting better or worse. I mean, I can definately say I'm no longer in acute wd but the despair/doom/gloom and intrusive thoughts seem to come hand in hand and in spurts throughout each day. I either wake up with it or get it in the middle of the day and then it disipates or I go to bed with it. Perhaps I'm not a window type person either because then I'm hitting windows AND waves everyday!
I wonder how much of this is my fear or never recovering fully. When I'm excited about something, I feel like this deep/dark side of my purposely jumps out to remind me "I'm not normal, I'm in wd and I'll never be normal and just happy again". I am really starting to think I have PTSD of this horrible nightmare we've all endured. But then for hours I will feel hopeful again and almost normal.
You are in my prayers everyday Miriza - I hope your family gets you bad VERY soon!!

[miriza]

Originally Posted by lmac

My terror also disappeared with a couple of very brief reoccurances. I too find that my "feeling better" and "anhedonia/despair/intrusive thoughts" cycle rapidly now. Instead of having 2 weeks of acute wd and then a few days of "better" (but never really good) days, I find I cycle between the 2 almost EVERY day. I'm not sure if this means I'm getting better or worse. I mean, I can definately say I'm no longer in acute wd but the despair/doom/gloom and intrusive thoughts seem to come hand in hand and in spurts throughout each day. I either wake up with it or get it in the middle of the day and then it disipates or I go to bed with it. Perhaps I'm not a window type person either because then I'm hitting windows AND waves everyday!
I wonder how much of this is my fear or never recovering fully. When I'm excited about something, I feel like this deep/dark side of my purposely jumps out to remind me "I'm not normal, I'm in wd and I'll never be normal and just happy again". I am really starting to think I have PTSD of this horrible nightmare we've all endured. But then for hours I will feel hopeful again and almost normal.
You are in my prayers everyday Miriza - I hope your family gets you bad VERY soon!!

Hi lmac! I could have written this verbatim! Really! I think I have a mix of still some withdrawal + PTSD + an identity crisis! And then I really think it's ALL withdrawal! Because I look at old posts of people in withdrawal (e.g. sheacarney, Skye come to mind) and after the really worse of withdrawal is over they talk about having an identity crisis...and others talk about PTSD and then postings later they say that it all went away. I think I'm just in a transition phase between the really bad of withdrawal and finding myself again.

I too go from feeling more decent (not normal) for a little while to feeling horrible...and it's like you say, like I can't get excited about anything because my brain turns it around and brings some dark thoughts/feelings back. I think even the positive emotions are too much stimulation for the brain in withdrawal. Yesterday night I was laughing as hard as ever due to something funny we did (basically my girls and I made "poopy" out of playdough and put it next to my husband's keys)...and I could not really sustain the laughter for more than a minute...it immediately turned to ANGER. Why the f'? I don't know. Why anger? No clue! I mean, I think it's happened to me prior to withdrawal that I laugh so much that I kind of feel a little out of it for a while after and I have to stop...but I could laugh hard for 5-10+ minutes easily and then I would have to stop...but NEVER like this...never turning to anger and so quickly...Ughhh!

[lmac]

I wonder if its turning to anger because for that split second you recognizing you're actually laughing and your subconscious is remembering you're NOT supposed to be happy. I know usually emotions turn to anger very quickly when anger is involved. I'm passed that severe anger stage but even my 13 yrs on Paxil, anger was my dominant emotion. Crazy, I thought was me but I've come to realize since tapering and being off, I'm NOT an angry person, I used anger to hide ALL my emotions. Definately some getting used to now as I'm facing all these other emotions I'm not used to. But I know that anger is always to cover what the real cause is. Try and take your thought process back to before you got angry. I bet somewhere in there, you had a negative, quick thought about something and your defence turned it to anger. Maybe just pissed iff that your negative thoughts interupted a nice, happy moment!!
That's cute about the play doe. Its nice that you're havinmg some fun with the kiddies!

[miriza]

lmac, I don't really know what it is...but my positive emotions are always turning into something negative (dread/doom/fear/anger) after a few minutes...I try and try to understand it but it makes no sense to me...The way I see it is that I'm still operating in fight-or-flight mode and it's like my subconscious is only concerned with my 'survival', hence all the negative feelings.

I've never been an angry person either! Serious and mature, yes. Angry, not at all.

[lmac]

I too find all my positive thoughts/emotions are always interupted with negative thoughts/emotions. Almost like my EGO (subconscience) doesn't want to allow me to be happy. I read a lot on spirituality and it appears to me that this entire wd has awaken the EGO in us - all negative thoughts and feelings and everything negative from our past, right back to childhood. Its a strange phenomenon.

[miriza]

Originally Posted by lmac

I too find all my positive thoughts/emotions are always interupted with negative thoughts/emotions. Almost like my EGO (subconscience) doesn't want to allow me to be happy. I read a lot on spirituality and it appears to me that this entire wd has awaken the EGO in us - all negative thoughts and feelings and everything negative from our past, right back to childhood. Its a strange phenomenon.

Yes, exactly that's what I think...it's the subconscious!

[aberdeen]

I can't say I'm all better by any stretch, but so much of what you two go through I can SO relate to. For me, when that stuff went away it really went away, all of it. You know when you have a nightmare, or a vivid dream (even a positive one), and you wake up and there's a residual feeling of whatever emotion you had in the dream? Sometimes (for me) it can even pop up during the day a little bit? The dream can be easily recalled because it was so strong, and maybe when your head touches the pillow again that night, you have one more flashback to the previous night's dream...but by the next day, or a week later, it's gone? The memory of it fades, the feelings, you wonder how it ever elicited such strong emotions? That's how it's been for me...it fades away until it's only one or two major things I can still pull up and almost feel. I only remember how I questioned my very being, or was afraid of the wrong colour, or thought I was schizophrenic and the dread that thought caused...i only recall it when I talk about it here...and even then, no anxiety comes up at all. I can 100% see it for what it was, a REALLY bad trip so to speak. A strange chemical chaos from hell, that meant nothing in the big picture...and all things fall back into place. THis feels so real when it's happening, but none of it actually changes a thing about who we are (well it does make you feel stronger because you've gone through something so tough, but you're still YOU). And when you come back all the way, you'll wonder how you ever doubted yourself. You will wonder how the h$ll you can feel so much like yourself when you almost forgot who you were...but the real you isn't gone, so when it's time, it just slips back and clicks into place, just like that, because you have been YOU far longer than w/d has lasted. W/d is the dominating feature of life right now, but once it's over, it'll be a blip, just like any other year or 2 of life.

[Timb]

I'm at 5 months now and have had my longest window of feeling good since I've been off. Months 3 and 4 for me were absolutely brutal. Had to miss a lot of work and had the worst depression and anxiety one could think of. The problem for me and I'm assuming a lot of the members here is when your having these prolonged w/d symptoms your probably thinking is this me or is it the drug? I never had a suicidal thought before going on anti-depressants and I originally went on them for a mild case of GAD. When you take these things for 6-7 years like I did you forget what it's like to feel normal. I made an appointment with the psych doctor at the end of my 4th month off to go back on paxil, but I never filled the prescription and just took a week off work. Sometimes with the fast paced lifestyle we are all forced to live we don't stop and take care of ourselves, but I had too. During the week I took off from work I had a chance to relax and unwind. Things have been on the upswing this past month and for the first time in about 7 years I actually have emotions and joy which feels amazing. I'm not going to get discouraged if I have a dip again, but I'm confident it won't be as severe as previous ones.

[aberdeen]

Originally Posted by Timb

I'm at 5 months now and have had my longest window of feeling good since I've been off. Months 3 and 4 for me were absolutely brutal. Had to miss a lot of work and had the worst depression and anxiety one could think of. The problem for me and I'm assuming a lot of the members here is when your having these prolonged w/d symptoms your probably thinking is this me or is it the drug? I never had a suicidal thought before going on anti-depressants and I originally went on them for a mild case of GAD. When you take these things for 6-7 years like I did you forget what it's like to feel normal. I made an appointment with the psych doctor at the end of my 4th month off to go back on paxil, but I never filled the prescription and just took a week off work. Sometimes with the fast paced lifestyle we are all forced to live we don't stop and take care of ourselves, but I had too. During the week I took off from work I had a chance to relax and unwind. Things have been on the upswing this past month and for the first time in about 7 years I actually have emotions and joy which feels amazing. I'm not going to get discouraged if I have a dip again, but I'm confident it won't be as severe as previous ones.

I'm glad you found this board, I hope it helps you through! Isn't it scary how dark our thoughts and emotions get because of these meds? It can just warp your perception of reality and make you honestly question which reality is THE reality, the one I'm having now, or the one I remember having before all this? No wonder we have identity crisis at point during this nightmare, you can truly question everything, your sanity, your world and the people in it, and reality itself, it's truly awful and scary. I wonder how many people have ended their lives thinking it was them, and never had any idea it was a drug related thing? So grateful for sites like this!!

[lmac]

Timb, so glad you're feeling on the up and up! That's great, even after such a short time. I'm almost 8 mnths out and although not near as bad as I was from mnths 4-7, I NOW have the depression/anhedonia/dp/dr. I actually a bit better in mnths 1-3.
Aberdeen - omg, that is sooooo scary about what you just said. I can't even repeat it (as I peak around the corner). I'm such a scared little girl now. This crap has totally traumatized me.