5 months off today (or closer to 7 months off)

[miriza]

4/29/2012 - 5 months off
(But really closer to 7 months off since I tapered off from a teeny tiny 5% dose to 0 over a 2 month period)

Last period I did not have a significant worsening of symptoms for the two weeks before as I usually did before...in fact, I had some short-lasting windows the days right before getting my period so I surely thought I was turning a corner and the time after my period was over was going to be better than ever...well, it did not happen...instead I had a return of almost acute withdrawal symptoms.

The following symptoms that had improved significantly came back for a while:
*Perceptual distortions (buckling walls, confusing shadows for bugs, etc.) - back for one night
*Auditory hallucinations - came back one night
*Racing thoughts - came back for a few nights together with insomnia, which had gone away about 5 months ago. Again it happened due to having too much stimulation at night before bed.
*Morning terror (due to cortisol) - Came back for a couple of days.
*Intrusive memories - Came back.
*Sound sensitivity - Came back for a few days.

Here are my remaining symptoms and their changes since last month:
*Nightmares - A little better.
*Emotional lability - Moods and thoughts do not change as often as before (there were times in early withdrawal when my moods/thoughts would change by the minute)
*Impulsivity - Fluctuates
*Paranoia/fear of people - Fluctuates. People's eyes scare the cr@p out of me.
*Anhedonia - A little better. I can laugh and sometimes find joy/love in things/people, but it's unsustainable...If I overdo it I end up feeling horrible.
*Akathisia (urge to run away) - had it for 2 weeks at night; every time I would wake up I would feel an urge to run away and an energy in my legs
*Rage - Down a little
*Intrusive obsessive or irrational thoughts - Same
*Confusion/contradictory thoughts and feelings - Down a little. I get the opposite emotional response to the things/people I like/love the most. I can feel dread, fear, anger, etc. Why is this? This is the worst ever!
*Feelings of terror/doom - Overall it's down (except for two mornings when I felt it very intensely). I have been able to leave the house for short trips to family member's home and quick visits to stores. Can now watch some short TV shows (cartoons with the kids) and listen to some music.
*Anxiety - up
*Despair/frustration/depression - down a little
*Depersonalization (feeling like alien in own body/mind) - Same

I have gone from being terrorized of everything to being afraid of my own mind...it is so irrational and dark nowadays. Does this darkness leave? I do not feel like myself; I truly feel possessed sometimes...and I just do not see how I am going to get out of this state of mind...So for now, living one day and sometimes even one minute at a time I can't wait to turn that corner that many people talk about.

I want my naive, loving, sweet, caring self back and the monster back in its cage! Please tells me that this gets better...I'm starting to doubt it...

[lmac]

You're actually making great progress. Good for you. Its amazing how we see what you don't see just by your posts.
I had a little more anxiety (and still do) when I go places now. I think its all a part of getting back into our normal routines. Just being out and about I find gives me anxiety now but I keep pushing through. Can't wait til I can just do things and feel happy and excited about it. Sometimes I worry I'll never be because its been so long.
My biggest prob is still the scary, dark thoughts although I must say, they're not as often and intense, but still there and more at times.
I think its a huge accomplishment that you can leave the hpuse now and even watch some TV and listen to music!!