Bilopedia

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by aberdeen

I had it a lot too, feeling like I was dreaming or in my own movie. I would tell myself, even if I don't feel like I'm really here, I am. People are responding to me, I'm not acting strange, no one else sees how strange I feel, I'm behaving normally so it's ok. It feels weird but it's ok, it can't hurt me. It sucks!!

Do you also had those weird questions? It scares me. Its like i am realizing i am alive or something and in this body what feels weird. It is hard for me to describe actually what i mean but it goes beyond feeling unreal. I had that in the past also,..after panic attacks or when i hyperventilated a lot. Then i felt unreal, like in a movie. but nowadays i feel like i dont recognize my mirror reflection. And i start thinking on that its weird that i am thinking and inside my head. It's like i dont feel like an identity,..but i know off course i am so in confrontate myself,..and it feels weird. And i feel drugged and sedated and yet it feels like a storm of anxiety is behind this depersonalization wall in my head.

Damn i cant describe it better. But does this ring any bell at all aberdeen? Did you also had those weird questions and did you get scared from it,..scared from the feelings that you were real but all didnt feel real? I have it 24/7. I would believe it if somebody would tell me i am actually in coma in the hospital and looking through a robot in the world. I feel scared

Did it pass for you aberdeen?

[aberdeen]

OK, no...what i had seemed to fit the description of derealization. And it passed yes. But my pharmacist told me she cold turkeyed Paxil a few years ago, and didn't recognize her own reflection. I asked her was it because she looked so thin/tired/sick....and she said no, she actually did not recognize that she was looking at herself in the mirror, as if it were a stranger. She was scared. But she's fine now, and working again and it's all better.

[Bilo76]

Pff so much DP/DR again today. Also my body is burning. So much stress. While my mind seems locked up,..my nerves are in highwire. I must keep faith,..but its hard.

My affirmation of the day:
-Keep believing you will get better. You will get better

My blessing of today
- Went out for the first time to get a drink . With my mother. It was hard and i had a crappy 2 hrs after it;..but it was fun...was nice to be out

[Bilo76]

Still in hell. Body is burning away. My mind so much fear that it shuts down in DP. I dont feel human anymore,..i feel between life and death. Damnn i hope this doesnt get the better of me.

8 months now,..24/7 in agony. No friends, no sports, no work, no life. Only a burning body and a silenced mind. Every day i wake up very tired and confused. Confused and in fear of what i am and whats wrong. Then the day slowly passes when i try to make the best. Every minute trying to put 1 foot in front of the other. Every hour thinking if i can commit suicide. I am so dizzy also that i feel the ground shaking,..i dont feel my arms halve of the time. This is what hell is and i wouldnt wanna give it to my worst enemy.
I must keep faith,..but i feel and i know that this will stay a difficult road. There is so much doubt in my mind that i will survive this. A road i might not finish without medication. But getting back on paxil is just a long shot as staying off. But so much DP/DR;..its more then feeling unattached to my body, its more then feeling unreal. I am a shell,..and i need to focus hard to remember who i am. And it scares me so;..that i am a living being in a meat suit. The idea that i am alive is terrifying. I am in a dream between life and death. Is everything real?

Please ,..i hope that this will get better. This is inhuman. Very late in the evening now and my body is burning and shocks in my nerves all over my body like i am holding a powerfull battery. The more DP; the more pain and stress my body gets. Thats why the IBS and dizzyness. ASll though my mind is shut down for panic, my body isnt.

[Bilo76]

Dont know what to say. i cant think of anything optimistic. I am in DP/DR and dizzymode all day. Last few days since i dropped to 2 mg is tough. I cant believe such a small drop makes a difference. I am without hope. I move in the day like a ghost. And still afraid of that large part of me that doesnt want to get better. Pfff it makes me so sad. Maybe i have borderline.
Anyways i hope i start feeling like a human again. But i doubt it. And i am cranky as hell. I am surprised my family still wants to be with me. Even i wanna leave myself

My affirmation of the day:
-This is WD Bilo,..this is not you

My blessing of today
- Played with my nieces

[Bilo76]

Pff 1 day total off meds. Its hard,.very hard. Very dizzy and pain in my gut. But also i have so much DP/DR,..it freaks me out. Am i living in a brain,.am i real,..this life ids not real,..we all die,..do i exist. Damn these questions and feelings that surround them keep hunting me. Hell.
And today for the first time in months i had a panic attack again. Pfff

Life SUCKS now and seriously thinking about getting back to paxil, pray it works and do a serious taper. But since its a long shot...i try to stick this out. But i am convined to my house 24/7 in this hell.

[Goosey]

Wow, Bilo! Seems like a very quick taper. I say don't suffer - get back on the Paxil and do a two to three year taper. From what I've read it's going to take two to three years at a minimum to get back to normal whether you CT, taper fast or taper slow. The only difference is tapering slow is so much more comfortable. I hope you consider it.

[Bilo76]

I agree goosey and i would do that if it werent for the doubt that paxil might not work for me anymore. There is a chance i had a poopout on paxil and then a reinstate might not work and even make it worse. Also even psychiatrists admit that paxil is an ssri that might only work once. So all in all it might be risky. But if i still see no improvement in a month from now ..or if it gets much worse. Then i will reinstate paxil. No way i am going through this inhumane hell for months. I am crossing psychotic.

[Goosey]

Well, maybe not Paxil then, maybe start back on Lexapro or the other med you have listed - something. I really feel your pain because I've been there - twice.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by Goosey

Well, maybe not Paxil then, maybe start back on Lexapro or the other med you have listed - something. I really feel your pain because I've been there - twice.

Lexapro was not good for me. it made DP lots worse and it didnt do anything to lessen the suffering from CT paxil.
And i am not really in the mood to try another experiment with other AD.
So for now nothing to do then use CBT, eat well and just suffer with grace. Untill a month from now;..then re-evaluate.

Thanks for your concern and thoughts. MUCh appreciated

[julieannboo]

Hope that you are okay with those nice teeth! Xx

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by julieannboo

Hope that you are okay with those nice teeth! Xx

Well my teeth are not my problem haha..they are working fine....only problem is that they seem to chew to much fat stuff lately

But i had a horrible few days. Since i stopped completely with all meds i am also physical sick. I had this also when i CTed from paxil. Its like the flu and with lots of dizziness. Its like i am walking on a boat at open sea. Well i am exaggerating a bit there LOL,..but its still veryyyyyy annoying. I also still have the mental probs. There is not an hour that goes by that i dont think of death and what kind of thing i am. And what i am doing in this body,..and that its weird that everybody has a different living thing in them. BAH all kinds of weird scare thoughts and i also feel weird/unsettled. Like its all a bad dream.

its been like that for months now. i think because of the CT from paxil. But now that i stopped with lexapro i have more probs,..panic an anxiety is back.

But i hope that the clock doesnt start here for me but that the worst part is over cause i tapered nicely from lexapro,..i think the main problem is still the CT from paxil. And thats 9 months ago. I hop i can count that time and not that i am starting my recovery now.

On a positive note;..i can still "beat" my anxiety well. When i am having panic attacks now;..they dont scare me much. I had since 10 yers some agoraphobia today;..but i kept walking through it. I once beat that;..and i guess thats for life.

[hopewillbe]

Just sending some good vibes across the Atlantic for you!

Good to see you're handling your anxiety etc so well. I find that if I can realize that I have DP, I can often keep it in check by practicing awareness. The problem is realizing I have DP... it can go on for a few days before I recognize it sometimes.

[Bilo76]

Thanks a lot for the good vibes :-).

Its hard cause i am also diagnosed with hyperventilation syndrom. So this night i slept well but like all nights i hyperventilate all night long in my sleep. So when i wake up i am so tired and dizzy. And the day has yet to begin.
I am doing exercises to try to stop this CHS (chronic hyperventilating syndrom). But perhaps, would make sense, its also linked to my anxiety.

Still feel inhuman due to a lot of DP/DR. Got anxiety, burning nerves, dizziness, IBS, depression and lots of weird thoughts. Basically nothing changed. But lets try to keep positive.
The ****ty thing is that paxil was good for me, but i pooped out. But the last halve year i keep getting emails from friends saying something like "how is this possible, you are such an open, humorous and spontaneous kinda guy". Hmmm
Lately i have been feeling so much sadness and depression about my life. I remember when i was 18 and i couldnt get a girlfriend thanks to all my anxiety and i was saying back then "wait till i beat the anxiety, then i will start living". I said the same when i was 23 and had real bad anxiety months even on paxil. When i was 25 years old and had to stop working to get in a CBT clinic for 6 months i said again the same 'my life will start one day'. And now i am facking 35 years old, no wife, no kids, no nothing and again i am saying the same. But when? when i am 65 years old?
So i kinda feel sorry for myself. I know this thinking, all though being the truth, is counterproductive. But its just how i feel. Maybe this sadness just needs to be felt in WD in order to deal with it and that it can go. I have had a life filled with anxiety/dp and depression. Spend halve my life on pills. it isnt the easiest life.

Pff but ok...it sunny outside now, a very nice day. I still cant see friends, work, hobby or do waever,..so back to my walking routine. Gonna walk a bit in the forest. Not to much since i cant handle it.

[hopewillbe]

I had never heard about CHS before, but I agree, it makes sense that it is related to the anxiety.

I'm really sorry to see you're so down at the moment. Regarding the "missing out on life"... I know that is very tough. I go through phases like that as well. I had never had a meaningful relationship until last year. I was at a point that I had made peace with being alone for the rest of my life (I'm almost 30). I tried once more to reach out (online dating) and wasn't really serious about it, but I found the most amazing/understanding/caring/forgiving person ever... and wouldn't you know it, he also has issues with anxiety (although I'm more of a depression-person)!

I won't bore you with the details, no worries, but life is BETTER than I had ever imagined. Literally. We do not know what life has in store for us.

All the struggles make us into the person we are now: determined, strong fighters, connected with our body/brain/mind/emotions. It's not all bad. It sure gives us some life skills we can use in the future.

Chin up! You're doing well!

[Bilo76]

My affirmation of the day (in dutch this time):
-Blijf geloven dat het goed komt. Jij verdient een beter leven dan dit. Heb daar vertrouwen in. Dit ben jij niet,..en als je het wel bent dan leer je daar op een goede manier mee leven. Hou vol. Het wordt beter. Alles wordt uiteindelijk beter.

My blessing of today
- For the first time i took a small excursion so left my hometown. Drove for 45 mins and visited a lake. I was so dizzy but its good for my brain to trigger it with new stuff

[Bilo76]

Another sunny day here in holland. This time i am prepared,..more sunblock, water, gatorade and lots of shade

I hyperventilated a lot during my sleep. Was more tired waking up then going in. But my brain had some rest. Like always i am feeling very depressed in the morning.Like i can cry any moment and i feel so much pain. But i cant cry unfortunately.
Hopefully the day will be good for me.

Gooooooooo team bilo

[Bilo76]

A HELL day for me today. I am thinking about suicide all day. I am worried. I feel like in a bad dream. So sad, so scared, so depressed and all these weird thoughts. Really starting to doubt if i can survive this without meds.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

A HELL day for me today. I am thinking about suicide all day. I am worried. I feel like in a bad dream. So sad, so scared, so depressed and all these weird thoughts. Really starting to doubt if i can survive this without meds.

That was me exactly yesterday Bilo. Today it got better. Hold out for tomorrow. Remember and think about when you're in a better state! I know its hard but there isn't much else to do but wait it out!!
You CAN do this and don't need the meds. Remember its the meds that have made you feel this way! Once it passes and you're recovered, life will be so much easy to deal with.
Amazing how the meds that were supposed to help make life easier have made it the hardest it could EVER be!!

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by lmac

That was me exactly yesterday Bilo. !

You and i live in a different timezone

Originally Posted by lmac

You CAN do this and don't need the meds. Remember its the meds that have made you feel this way!

If only i was so sure as you. Cause i remember a life full of anxiety, depression and being continues scared (even on paxil btw). Everybody in WD asks the same question "is this me or is this WD, can i make it without meds". In my case and considering my mental medical history;..its a good question.
I dont wanna end up death after a suicide with on my grave "at least he showed GSK a lesson"

I wish i was confident in that it will get better. But i am not. I feel crap now and i recognize a lot of this IBS/DP/DR/anxiety/depression from before i ever touched any med. But i forgot, since its 17 years ago. But now i cant walk on a random street of remembering i had this pain there when i was a kid,..or as a young adult. SSRIs suck,....but so does my disease....whats left for me to do?

Tomorrow another day, maybe a better one. But with that part (selfdestructive) of me cheering i will fail;..its not likely.

Feeling very bad now. Off to bed. Another night of hyperventilating, nightterrors and depression. And tomorrrow waking up more tired then now. Yiippeee...another day.

Feeling like a bad dream,..is this all even real. Pfffff

[aberdeen]

Don't trust your memories! I too felt like everything was reminding me of a childhood full of anxieties. I was an anxious child...but now that I'm feeling better I realize the memories were distorted. They were regular memories but the INTENSITY of anxiety in the memory was not real....I was remembering anxieties yes, but they were not as strong as the anxieties I experience in w/d.....but I only realized this once I began to feel better, and asked my Mother what I was like as a child etc. Even our memories are not realistic right now....they make us believe the anxiety we felt before meds was as bad as it is right now, and for me at least, that is not true.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by aberdeen

Don't trust your memories! I too felt like everything was reminding me of a childhood full of anxieties. I was an anxious child...but now that I'm feeling better I realize the memories were distorted. They were regular memories but the INTENSITY of anxiety in the memory was not real....I was remembering anxieties yes, but they were not as strong as the anxieties I experience in w/d.....but I only realized this once I began to feel better, and asked my Mother what I was like as a child etc. Even our memories are not realistic right now....they make us believe the anxiety we felt before meds was as bad as it is right now, and for me at least, that is not true.

^^ what she said. This is VERY true Bilo!! You've been tapering and had poop out and now in full on wd. Its been soooo long for you. I too was a different person on paxil and my other meds for 13 yrs. In early wd, I had incessant past memories cluttering my brain and ALL of it was negative and scary. I said the same things you did. My anxiety and panic all seemed so much worse from even before meds because the wd completely changes your perception of all reality to very scary, dark and negative. You have to go through probably mnths of feeling like this. But once on the other side, you see more clearly and will realize it WASN'T as bad as you thought. You've been on meds your entire adulthood. I can see why you're not sure what you'd be like. You started meds as a hormonal teenager who probably could have gotten through with good therapy and tools to use. I wasn't Quite a teenager but I was 23 and so often think as well "what would I even be like as an adult if I wasn't medicated. I've been medicated pretty much all of my adul life" I used to get scared thinking of functioning without meds but since I've turned a corner (it took poop out, tapering and 8 mnths after meds to even get there - total of about 2 years) I'm now excited to be all that I wanted to be and just couldn't because I was an angry zombie who did always get anxiety AND panic since being on the meds.
This is THE awful, horrific stage we all have to get through to get to the other side. Everything (even memories) are all lies right now.
I feel like a psychizo - yester I couldn't have said this nor believed it because I was feeling how you feel. Today, although I'm not as good as I have been the last few weeks, I see it so much more clearly. You will start to get windows of positive, joy and clarity and that's when you'll see. Just be patient, you're still so early in the game still. I had awful, strong suicide ideation for 7 mnths non stop. I don't even know HOW I got through it. I think my faith and God is all that got me through and constantly talking about it here helped. It helped to know that these damn drugs CAUSE almost everyone to think this way, so I knew deep down I did NOT want to die. I still have it come back on a bad day and its so strong that even on the bad day, I forget how good the good day was and fear all over again that this is the new me!! We must STOP thinking so negative, even if we don't believe it.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by lmac

You have to go through probably mnths of feeling like this..

But i worry i wont make that. I been through hell after my CT paxil,...being hospitalised and all. And now after my taper from lexapro again a hell. It's been 9 months, the last time i felt somewhat human.
And the way i am going now;..with insane thoughts, feeling so scared and almost psychoptic and depressed as hell;..i am NOT going to make it a few more months,. I can feel it. So i have to pray for a quick recovery.
But that problem of my destructive side that you and i pmed about,..it is so demotivating. If i start to think now that it will get better,..my thoughts and especially my gut feeling go in big uprising. They "scream" that i have to stay in this hell. I am so scared and revolt by the idea to get better. Ohh man its so demotivating. And that together with the depressed voice inside me saying "you going to die bilo,..we all die eventually,..feel the emptyness,..you will die eventually"

Well its just impossible to stay positive

But THANKSSS for the replies;..your replies do help. I am just in a bad spell. Every day being worse then the last. I really wonder if anybody has it this bad as i have it. but i guess we all think that.

[Bilo76]

Horrible day again. Not much to say. Off to bed, its 02.00. Goodnight everybody

[Wld]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

But i worry i wont make that. I been through hell after my CT paxil,...being hospitalised and all. And now after my taper from lexapro again a hell. It's been 9 months, the last time i felt somewhat human.
And the way i am going now;..with insane thoughts, feeling so scared and almost psychoptic and depressed as hell;..i am NOT going to make it a few more months,. I can feel it. So i have to pray for a quick recovery.
But that problem of my destructive side that you and i pmed about,..it is so demotivating. If i start to think now that it will get better,..my thoughts and especially my gut feeling go in big uprising. They "scream" that i have to stay in this hell. I am so scared and revolt by the idea to get better. Ohh man its so demotivating. And that together with the depressed voice inside me saying "you going to die bilo,..we all die eventually,..feel the emptyness,..you will die eventually"

Well its just impossible to stay positive
But THANKSSS for the replies;..your replies do help. I am just in a bad spell.
Every day being worse then the last. I really wonder if anybody has it this bad as i have it. but i guess we all think that.

This is probably no comfort....but I feel the same way Bilo. I don't know how I'm going to make it another day most of the time. Some how or another I do. I'm in the worst state of of WD I've ever been right now. There is absolutely nothing in the world positive. So I hear ya about positivity being impossible.

It looks like we both had bad situations coming off our meds. Can you humor me and remind me why you came off the Lexapro so quickly? I know you've
probably said it a million times before but I don't know where to look. I came off Celexa, after I tried to reinstate bc I believed it was making me sicker but
looking back on it now....I don't know anything. It's all bad and this latest... is unrelenting. And I don't know what to do. My Dr. is absolutely no help--he's
just a GP and doesn't really know anything from what I gather. How do you trust a Dr. that'll prescribe just anything you want him to? I saw a
psychiatrist and she just thinks I'm depressed and need to see a psychologist--which I am. But this is BIGGER than anything he could ever help me with. I know it is. I can't bear the thought of any new drugs ( i remember you saying you're not in the mood for any new drugs--that made me laugh--me either!)
but living like this isn't working very well either. It's a tough spot.

I hope you're having a better day today even if it is just a tiny bit better.