for musicians dealing with withdrawal

[alivehope]

Hello there folks

did it effect your ability to write songs or play?

thanks

[julleri]

Originally Posted by alivehope

Hello there folks

did it effect your ability to write songs or play?

thanks

I wouldn't consider myself a musician per se, but I was a music major in college for two years. I miss music. Moreso, though, I miss ENJOYING music. I don't think about it much anymore. I don't play much. I don't sing anything. I notice when I am in a good mood, maybe even a "window," I find myself humming, and I actually hit the notes better if that makes any sense.

A few nights ago when I was feeling relatively OK, I started sight-reading some Beethoven for fun. Not a lot. Just a few measures. And I of course did not try to make it sound right. I just wanted to sight read some piano music. Made me kinda upset, though. How I want to just feel good so that I could, if I wanted to, really try to learn something new on there - or to work on polishing old things I was working on.

Last year (2011) after my Prozac switch I was feeling better (no more effexor interdose withdarwal) and I taught myself a chopin etude, just cuz I love the etude. I no longer play it. I am able to, though. I tried one night and I still remember it, thank God. I'll be so mad if my memory gets so bad that I can no longer remember the notes.

but yeah. Music is not something I make part of my daily life anymore, at least not how it was at one point...

[julleri]

Originally Posted by alivehope

Hello there folks

did it effect your ability to write songs or play?

thanks

Oh and I should add I haven't written anything in years. and Ove only written two things (well a couple more but eh, they were music theory assignments so they aren't that big a deal).

I play one of the things I wrote for music theory every once in a while. It also upsets me. Makes me wonder how someone who was once so smart could have written something so well, understand the chords and melody, etc. and now I'm like "duh" can't even make a complete thought sometimes. 30 years old and I am going on 90. ...

[texgirl]

Alivehope,

I’m not a musician, but I am a novelist and am very familiar with the loss of creativity that comes with w/d. It’s very common, so please don’t worry that you can’t seem to find “it” right now. There are lots of threads about it and fellow sufferers here; you might try doing a search on “creativity” and see what kind of results you get.

As somebody who's recovered fully both from w/d and creatively, my caution to you would be not to be too hard on yourself right now and to just try to relax and let whatever creative impulses you have take you where they will. Don’t force it or beat yourself up about it, because the frustration and unhappiness that come from that can be harder to recover from than the actual miseries of w/d. I speak from experience: I was under contract for a book during w/d so I had to write it, even though I had absolutely no inspiration and what I thought were seriously impaired skills, and it was such a brutally unhappy experience that it scarred my perception of my craft for years after I had recovered from the meds. I eventually became a jewelry maker and visual artist because I simply could not write fiction, my memories of that experience were so painful. It was only after a lot of time had passed and I became more understanding of w/d that I realized I had actually inflicted most of the unhappiness on myself (well, my publisher did, but it wasn’t her fault since she didn’t know about my medical condition) by forcing myself to execute a work of art at gunpoint, if you will. (A funny thing is that the book turned out better than I thought. It took me a long time after it was published to get up the nerve to read it, but when I finally did I could see that, even though my creativity at the time was shot, my instincts and skills were more deeply imbedded and accessible than I knew.)

The short and happy ending to this long, sad story is this: Creativity does come back, and it can come back better than ever. Not only am I as excited about and skilled at writing fiction as I was before meds (maybe more), but the experiences I have to write about are richer and more informed by having gone through what I did. That said, I truly believe I would have healed sooner had I not inflicted so much misery on myself and just let my creative impulses heal on their own.

So relax, don’t force it, let it happen at its own pace, and most of all, trust that you will heal in this and every area. Best of luck to you!

[cipher0413]

Wow.. texgirl. That's such great encouragement...! Thank you for the reply. I'm glad to have read it. Can I ask you, when was the point that you felt you were 'fully recovered'? Do you not have any of symptoms now? Both physical/mental?

Would love to read one of your books...

[Don Paxil]

it enhances it. Anxiaty makes you productive.

[aberdeen]

I love the encouraging words texgirl. I love to write too, and have not even touched my personal journal in over two years. I just draw a blank. I don't paint anymore either and I starting to develop my watercolour skills and getting new ideas and felt such joy and that's gone...for now. I know frome xperience where either time or circumstance forced me to put creative projcets aside and when I went back to them they were better and I was bolder in trying new things and it was really cool. I'm not worried about my creative stunting, I have seen glimmers lately and so I know it's all safe and sound down there somewhere.

[alivehope]

thanks everyone very encouraging words texgirl and the way you wrote post is amazing.

you are completely right.

[mapleleafgirl25]

i am not a musican but a graphic designer and illustrator..and as i have come down further in my dose, my creative ideas have started to flow alot more and naturally..i have started to get my design visions back again..which is really important to my creative process ect..so it does come back)

[texgirl]

I can't remember clearly how long it was before I felt fully recovered. I would say most of the physical symptoms were gone by 18 months after my last dose, but the psychological symptoms lasted a lot longer. However, as I said above, most of that was self-inflicted. I truly believe my creativity would have come back much more quickly if I hadn't beat myself up so much about it. The experience of writing that last book was so painful (and after it was finished the book didn't sell well, to boot) that for a few years I developed and nursed a mindset of "I'm damaged, I'll never recover, I'm a failure, I'll never write again," which was a much deeper and darker pit to try to climb out of than if I'd known to say to myself, "This is painful but temporary."

This is true for all aspects of w/d, BTW, not just for the creative types. That's why faith and a positive focus are so important, even when it feels impossible. Regardless of how you feel mentally and physically as you go through this process, your subconscious is always working to reinforce what you're actively telling it. You simply cannot overestimate its power in your recovery.

[texgirl]

Cipher: Yes, I still have symptoms, but I've learned to either ignore them (i.e., "racing heartbeat, big deal") or channel them to my advantage. In fact, I've actually learned to make this process so automatic that most of the time I don't even have to think about it. It takes time and a lot of practice, but it can be done!

[cipher0413]

Originally Posted by texgirl

Cipher: Yes, I still have symptoms, but I've learned to either ignore them (i.e., "racing heartbeat, big deal") or channel them to my advantage. In fact, I've actually learned to make this process so automatic that most of the time I don't even have to think about it. It takes time and a lot of practice, but it can be done!

Hi texgirl! Thanks so much for the reply... Yup yup. For me,,, I don't have much physical symptoms, except for muscle twitching, throat lump etc. But I guess... I am more concerned about whether my psychological/emotional range would be able to return back to what it was (Not that I look forward to it that much, because I was a little borderline. Although I find myself missing that old me sometimes, huh. But, I would like to be able to hear music and feel the beauty of each song again..) Anyways, when I read your reply above it gave me a tiny bit of hope.. Not that I can feel it much. Again, thank you for your reply.

[texgirl]

Just want to clarify: When I said I still have symptoms, I meant anxiety symptoms, not w/d symptoms. In other words, what I went on meds for in the first place. The w/d symptoms were gone in about 18 months.

Original symptoms usually do return after meds, but you can absolutely learn to control them through behavior and lifestyle changes. If, like me, you believe that the parts of you that make you creative are also what make you anxious, then learning to live with anxiety is worth it to have the creativity again. The point is that you have to learn how to manage the symptoms you don't want while focusing on channeling the ones you do.

[cipher0413]

I hear you. The thing is, I wish I could've known this before putting meds down my system. I mean, I knew, that I needed help and guidance, (I had a slight tendency of bpd), life was painful and full of agony, but if i knew that all the pain and agony came together with the beauty and other good things, and if I knew that by swallowing meds down that I would be obliterating not only the bad but also the good, I don't know whether I would've swallowed that first pill, although I know that the situation was tough, but I wonder how many people would still take the pill having known this information... I wonder whether I would have too.

I guess now I am waiting for my original symptoms to come back, I am in a no man's land, where withdrawal symptoms have much much gone, but my original symptoms haven't come back to full force yet. If the recurring of my original symptoms includes also the full range of emotions coming back as well, I wouldn't ask for more. (Or would I..........?)

[PaxilDream]

Originally Posted by alivehope

Hello there folks

did it effect your ability to write songs or play?

thanks

Guitar player right here. It has most certainly effected both my ablity to write and play. Writing is out of the question when I can barely get myself to play.

Before I started this journey I was in apothy and had the mental ability to play but grabbing the guitar just didn't inspire me anymore. (nothing did)

Now that I am off Paxil (6 months 29 days) I want to so bad to play guitar again but my mental abilities are all over the place day to day. Not so bad now as it used to be but still not the same. I am however able to force myself to play every now and then so I don't get into a habit of avoiding things. So strange to want to do something but also have to make yourself do that thing you want to do if that makes any sense.

It has probably been about 2 and a half years since I really played guitar like I used too.

[aberdeen]

Originally Posted by PaxilDream

Guitar player right here. It has most certainly effected both my ablity to write and play. Writing is out of the question when I can barely get myself to play.

Before I started this journey I was in apothy and had the mental ability to play but grabbing the guitar just didn't inspire me anymore. (nothing did)

Now that I am off Paxil (6 months 29 days) I want to so bad to play guitar again but my mental abilities are all over the place day to day. Not so bad now as it used to be but still not the same. I am however able to force myself to play every now and then so I don't get into a habit of avoiding things. So strange to want to do something but also have to make yourself do that thing you want to do if that makes any sense.

It has probably been about 2 and a half years since I really played guitar like I used too.

That's me and painting. I'm not quite back where I WANT to yet, but I can almost want to (make sense?) like I can totally remember the joy of painting and why I painted...but for awhile, even that was gone too, like it seemed pointless and I coudln't recall what made me want to or what the pleasure felt like that I'd experienced.

[cipher0413]

Originally Posted by PaxilDream

Guitar player right here. It has most certainly effected both my ablity to write and play. Writing is out of the question when I can barely get myself to play.

Before I started this journey I was in apothy and had the mental ability to play but grabbing the guitar just didn't inspire me anymore. (nothing did)

Now that I am off Paxil (6 months 29 days) I want to so bad to play guitar again but my mental abilities are all over the place day to day. Not so bad now as it used to be but still not the same. I am however able to force myself to play every now and then so I don't get into a habit of avoiding things. So strange to want to do something but also have to make yourself do that thing you want to do if that makes any sense.

It has probably been about 2 and a half years since I really played guitar like I used too.

Your mental abilities will surely come back. It's a positive thing to hear that at least your desire to play the guitar has come back. For me, my mental abilities are back, but, my desire to want to play and instrument, let alone listen to music and enjoy music, is lacking.

[PaxilDream]

Originally Posted by aberdeen

That's me and painting. I'm not quite back where I WANT to yet, but I can almost want to (make sense?) like I can totally remember the joy of painting and why I painted...but for awhile, even that was gone too, like it seemed pointless and I coudln't recall what made me want to or what the pleasure felt like that I'd experienced.

I totally understand. I used to be all about music. Music has been so much to me since I was 14 years old. Now I have to force myself to do something I want to do. I don't like it but I realize I am more wanting the state of mind back that I had that gave me the drive and patience I had before more than anything.

[PaxilDream]

Originally Posted by cipher0413

Your mental abilities will surely come back. It's a positive thing to hear that at least your desire to play the guitar has come back. For me, my mental abilities are back, but, my desire to want to play and instrument, let alone listen to music and enjoy music, is lacking.

I surely am glad the apathy that I felt before coming off paxil is over. The desire is back for sure. Its just difficult still and I find myself forcing myself to play and when I do it is more frustrating than joy. I feel it will come back. There are times when I hear a song and I can tell that I am really enjoying and not just listening but its still just few and far between.

I'll know when I'm good again when i am reading forums on thegearpage.net, looking up info on new gear, or looking at the nice glossy pictures in catalogs again with excitement. For now it is LONG waiting game.