"My Journey into the Light"

[lotusflower]

Day 19 zoloft 8 mg.

Thanks Tom and Goosey for your support!

Last night before bed, my husband encouraged me to take a homeopathic remedy, oscillococcinum. I'd been using homeopathics throughout this bout of the flu, cold, to no avail so I really didn' t think it would have any impact....but I was wrong. I slept straight through the night, did not awaken once to cough up my guts or sneeze my head off. I have to say that I think it was the remedy, evidently the right one this time. Took another dose of the same remedy this morning and have far less coughing, sneezing, and congestion...still feel weak, tired, depressed, anxious, foggy brained. I'm sure the depression and anxiety have kicked in big time because of the isolation that goes along with feeling this bad. I do have slightly more energy today....washed two loads of laundry, hung it out to dry in the beautiful sunshine.
The really wonderful thing about using homeopthic remedies is that there have zero side effects. They do work, but you have to find the right one. They seem to be the perfect type of solution for me, since I get side effects from any type of over the counter or prescribed medicine, even aspirinm, tylenol, or ibuprufen bothers me.

[Brassmonkey]

Glad your feeling a little better Joanne, enjoy the sunshine.

Where in Italy are you? Monicas father was from Northern and he mother was Roman.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))

[lotusflower]

Day 22 zoloft 8 mg.

It's been 11 days now with some improvement with the flu/cold/allergy symptoms I've had.....BUT the overwhelming fatigue and body aches persist.
This level of fatigue invariably leads to depression and despair for me.....because I can't do anything but rest and the isolation is killer for me. Can't and don't want to interact with anyone, but at the same time feel lonely, depressed and miserable.
The colored mucous seems to have subsided a bit.....still some coughing but no where near as much as yesterday. The weather has been unseasonably cool, damp, and rainy and I think that is contributing to my symptoms.
I have a long awaited trip coming up just three weeks from now....hoping and praying that I feel ok by then. There is no way I could go feeling like this...that makes me really sad and anxious. But I am grateful to be feeling a wee bit better today.

[lotusflower]

Day 24 zoloft 8 mg.

Yesterday I made the trip to see the doctor.....over one hour drive each way.
When I got home yesterday, I felt as though I had worked 3 eight hour shifts, had to really push myself through it.
He said that I'm on the way to healing (from the cold/flu) so didn't prescribe an antibiotic. I was very surprised that I actually left the doc with no medicine.
This was a new doc in the practice who'd I'd never seen before. I explained about my ssri taper. It was like discussing it with all of you....he was totally aware of the difficulties with tapering. I was amazed.
I'm having blood work today for thyroid levels.....I had this test done a few months ago and it showed that I could have an under active thyroid so I'm being checked for that once again. I just awoke and I could go back to sleep in a minute and sleep for another 10 hours....don't know if the exhaustion is withdrawal related or thyroid or something else. My thinking is not clear due to.....I don't know what but I can't think straght, I'm too tired..
I posted here about the thyroid issue last fall when I had the blood work done and it was suggested that that may be w/d related. So we'll see.

[Goosey]

Originally Posted by lotusflower

Day 24 zoloft 8 mg.

Yesterday I made the trip to see the doctor.....over one hour drive each way.
When I got home yesterday, I felt as though I had worked 3 eight hour shifts, had to really push myself through it.........I just awoke and I could go back to sleep in a minute and sleep for another 10 hours....don't know if the exhaustion is withdrawal related or thyroid or something else.......

My goodness, a two-hour round trip would be grueling for even the most rested, healthiest person much less for someone going through SSRI w/d! Get all the rest you possibly can. Sounds like you've got a supportive doctor which is half the battle. Take care, this too shall pass..

Wishing you the best!

[Brassmonkey]

Joanne-- sounds like you hit a winner with the new Dr. Hope it lasts. I would be exhausted too after being so sick for so long, get your rest and take care of your self and you'll be out and about in no time. Keeping my fingers crossed on the blood work.

Googled the name you sent me, looks like a lovely area.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

[lotusflower]

Day 25 zoloft 8 mg.

Thanks, Goosey, for the validation.....it meant a lot to read your words yesterday. I was feeling as bad and lost as I have ever felt in w/d. Illness combined with w/d is a deadly combination for me.

And Tom, thanks to you, too, for the support, as always. As for our area in Italy, yes, it is beautiful here. You mentioned that Monica's parents are from here? Have you two had the opportunity to visit? My parents were born here, too, so having had the chance to live here has been a dream come true.

I turned a corner yesterday. Sometime in the afternoon, my energy improved...also my mood. It was as though a switch clicked and I was better, really better. The feeling of dread and anxious despair was gone.
I awoke this morning without that overwhelming feeling of fatigue....it was unmistakable. So I did some light walking, got outside and did some chores. By midday, I was exhausted again, but not depressed and despairing like yesterday. Still coughing and congested but not as bad.
I'm thinking it will be best to hold at 8 mg. until mid June, when I return from my trip and (hopefully) these symptoms are gone.
Grateful to be here with all of you.....could never do this alone.

[lotusflower]

Day 26 zoloft 8 mg.

Well just when I thought things were getting better.........omg I can't believe what I did to my self today!! I wear my hair really short and had it cut a couple days ago. As usual, he didn't cut enough off the crown in the back of my head. It's a long drive to get there, so I used my husband's hair electric hair clipper to "trim" a little bit off. I was surprised by the huge amount of hair that fell into the sink because I thought I was using the correct attachment.
Wrong!! When I looked at the back with another mirror, I almost fainted.
I now have a huge bald spot all the way across the top back of my head!!!
Evidently used the wrong size attachment. I look absolutely ridiculous!!
My (Italian) neighbor took one look at me and said, OMG, how ugly you look!!!
Nice. And I have to go out to meet friends tomorrow! Thankfully I have a hat. I really wanted to cry but God knows I've been through worse.....and it will grow back, right?

[Wld]

Oh it could be worse and don't we know it. I guess you just have to laugh...it's one of those things...don't sweat the small stuff and all. And hat and scarfs are really cool right now. My daughter wears them all the time and she certainly doesn't have to. Enjoy your weekend with friends and don't think twice about it. Hugs!

[tchrldy]

I am so happy your depression has lifted! Just in time to find the humor in your hair situation! Hey wld's right scarves n hats r in! Our lives are truly anything but ordinary.

[Brassmonkey]

Tell your friends that your BFF is going bald and your trying to show your support. LOL Luckly the difference between a bad hair cut and a good hair cut is a week. You'll be back to cute in no time.

[AmyK]

It will certainly grow back! A friend of mine lost lots of hair when she was colouring her hair blonder. It just fell off in pieces. She had a scarf on and looked so cute. The hair has grown back, yours will too!

[lotusflower]

Day 3 zoloft 7.5

Wld, Tchrldy, Tom and Amy,

Thanks so much, you guys, for helping me keep this is its proper perspective!!!!
We all know the effect of w/d on perspective even when stuff like this doesn't happen, right? There is no better place on earth for me right now than right here in this community. So. grateful.
Quick hair update: When my husband got home from work that same day, he took one look at me and started giggling. It's was really good humored laughing with me rather than at me and said, this is great, now we look like twins! (He is going bald). So he helped me dig up an old hat out of a drawer and encouraged me to go out the next day with my friends. It was a new thing for me really....to go out like that. I did wear the hat but by the end of the day, took it off and decided to expose myself the way I was. It was symbolic in a way, kwim? The hat was kinda like the drug covering up what
was really there because it's not acceptable to be seen the way I really am.
That was the REAL reason I took drugs. Always felt ashamed of the way I felt. Sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, also joy, happiness, elation...none of it was ok.
Then yesterday, I had to go by my husband's workplace.....midway there, I realized I forgot my hat! If I had to guess what I'd do in a situation like that, it would be to go back home to get the hat but that didn't even occur to me. I felt a sudden wave of anxiety when I realized I'd left the hat at home but just kept on driving. Yay!!!!!!! I don't even recognize myself anymore. Just want to be clear that I'm not exactly happy about having a huge bald spot in the back of my head, but having this experience has introduced me to a new side of myself.
Sooooo I've been feeling so stable that I decided to taper to 7.5 a couple of days ago. I'd been at 8 for over 4 weeks and had considered staying at 8 because of next week's trip but changed my mind. This is day 3 since the drop and it's amazing to me that I did feel it on the first day...not extreme but I could definitely feel a difference in my mood.....I am a bit more anxious and irritable but totally manageable. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good.
When I open my eyes in the morning, I'm happy to be alive. I want to get up and do things, even the most mundane things, like laundry and organize drawers. In fact, over the Memorial Day weekend, I managed to tackle a paperwork task that I've been putting off for a few years now. It has to do with our finances and it took me 5 solid 8 hour days of tedious work which also brings up a lot of my fears because of my anxiety around finances.
It was literally like poking through a mountain with a little ice pick. That is the only analogy that comes to mind to describe it. There is a lot more to it but that is the essence of it. I couldn't have tackled that at any other time since the start of my taper, no way I'd have had the confidence, patience or stamina....I was far too reactive and fragile.

So grateful to be here with all of my buddies here. The stories here inspire me so much every single day. If I'm feeling down, I come here and read your journal entries or discussion entries and I don't know why but I immediately feel at home, among my sisters and brothers. My feelings of being different go away. And it just fills up my heart to see the support offered up to the great numbers of withdrawal sufferers who visit this site every day. I owe a great debt to everyone here.

[lotusflower]

Day 4 zoloft 7.5 mg.

Irritability and anxious dread are back. Not debilitating but this is a definite change since I made the drop to 7.5. Feel motivated to do stuff and look forward to seeing friends tomorrow, but have a background feeling of anxious dread. Had a lot of chores to do today...did all of it but with no joy attached to it....only a need to get it done and was irritable doing it all. Also feel fatigued after sleeping well for 10 hours.
It's been over a month and I'm still coughing a little bit.....it's almost gone though. I'm so grateful to be mostly over the virus.....mainly for my trip next week.

Mainly want to note that it amazes me that I can feel a distinct difference so soon after shaving off a few grains of powder off the drug. I'll never forget my doctors words when he made the pitch for zoloft.....he said that it is as "mild as aspirin". Yeah, right.

[AmyK]

You are doing great! Keep on! I know, it's the same for me. I feel the drop the same day.

[Brassmonkey]

Just remember that situational anxiety feels very much the same as situational JOY, it is all in how you interpurate the feelings. So keep you hat on and enjoy your trip.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[lotusflower]

Day 7 zoloft 7.5

Thanks Tom and Amy, your encouragement means a lot as always!

This is day 7 and just want to note that I am filled with anxious dread. Day 7-10 are usually the pits for me and so this is true to form.....I leave for my trip on Saturday so hopefully, I'll be ok by then. I'm amazed that I'm excited about going. Maybe as Tom said, some of this anxious dread is really excitement about the trip? Can't believe I'm still coughing but much much less and the overwhelming fatigue is gone, thank God.
I just feel like crying. Some days I just can not believe how miserably long this journey has been and how long it will continue on since I likely will be doing this for another year. Is it worth it? yes. Am I about to give up? no. But I will say one thing, days like today when I'm filled with terror and dread.....this is no way to live. And on days like today my brain lies and tells me that it was always like this and will never change. It's hell. But I will keep on.
Love it here because I can get it all out.

[lotusflower]

Just received word from the doc that my thyroid blood work came back normal.
It had been rising steadily over the past year or more. And I was feeling exhausted. The doc was concerned and wanted to see me back in Sept. to talk about options. I cancelled the appt. because it wasn't that high and I believed that my taper might have been affecting the thyroid levels so it was advised here to wait. I'm so glad I did because I received word today that the levels are back in the normal range. It's at 4.12 down from 5.67 in Sept. 2011.
Also added to my original thread in the lounge but want to document in my journal also. This was just what I needed to hear today. Since my taper, both my cholesterol and thyroid levels are back to normal. So motivating.
So relieved to be getting the stuff out of my body.....no matter how long it takes.

[lotusflower]

Day 9 zoloft 7.5 mg.

The feeling of anxious dread is mostly gone....I mean it's still there but much much less intense than it was two days ago. I'm mostly excited about the trip but worried that I won't fit in with the group. It's now just 3 days away....I'll be gone for a week. Going with a tour group of folks I've never met before. First time in my life I've ever done anything like this. I've traveled solo a lot though and probably met a lot more people than I would have met if I were traveling with my husband or a friend.....but that was before withdrawal. I've always wanted to take this trip and when I saw the advertisement, I turned off my mind and went for it. If I listened to my thoughts, I'd never leave the house....have had to work hard at faking it until I make it.
Now that the time is nearing, I'm getting very anxious. There are 17 folks traveling......everyone else is with a partner/friend/relative.
I'm usually pretty good talking with people though and I think it will be ok....but am worried that it may not be. If it's really bad, I need to remember that I only have to do it for a week.

Edit: Just want to add that in the early days of faster tapers, I wouldn't have been able to even consider taking a trip like this. PP has given me a whole new life. So. grateful.

[lotusflower]

Day 11 zoloft 7.5 mg.

Today is my 20 year anniversary of sobriety in AA. Thrilling day for me.
I only hope one day I can post here my anniversary date for quitting zoloft.
Now that would be quite amazing.

Wish I could say I feel like celebrating....not the case. My last drop to 11 days ago is still kicking my butt. I may have to slow it down a bit.
It could be that my anxiety and dread is through the roof because of my trip which stats tomorrow. I'm really excited but also very afraid of going alone, albeit in a group with strangers. It just helps to write it out, make it known.
I'm sure I'll be fine but that is not what my thoughts are telling me right now.

[Brassmonkey]

Congrats on the big 20. I'm sure you already know but, thats 7300 one days at a time. Don't worrie the Zoloft will be the same way.

Have a good/fun trip.

[tchrldy]

I love that you are going on this trip & believing in yourself. I knoe you are feeling wd anxiety but as you wrote earlier in wd you wouldn't considered a trip like this. Progress! 20 yrs soberity! Congratulations!

Just keep thinking how amazing you will feel when the week is over &you pushed pass your anxiety & had great time!
aka Katie

[JessG]

Congrats on your anniversary!! That's awesome. And what a great way to celebrate! I continue to be inspired by your resolve to not let WD keep you from doing the things you want to do. I wish I could be more like you. Hope you have a great time on your adventure!

[jcsneddon]

hey joanne, you're doing great and good that you are really challenging yourself to not listen to these negative thoughts. we are going to be sooo strong by the time we are through with this!

[lotusflower]

Originally Posted by Brassmonkey

Congrats on the big 20. I'm sure you already know but, thats 7300 one days at a time. Don't worrie the Zoloft will be the same way.

Thanks for the congratulations, Tom....sure hope you're right about the zoloft!

Originally Posted by tchrldy

I love that you are going on this trip & believing in yourself. I knoe you are feeling wd anxiety but as you wrote earlier in wd you wouldn't considered a trip like this. Progress! 20 yrs soberity! Congratulations!

Just keep thinking how amazing you will feel when the week is over &you pushed pass your anxiety & had great time!
aka Katie

Katie,
Thanks for the congratulations! Your prediction is right on. It feels so good to have pushed through my fear, and had a great time. Nothing like this feeling. I'll write more about the trip below.