Negative Cycles

[celine]

Hello,

Right now I'm having trouble with a cycle of events.

I'm in an awful mood that I can't seem to control. I take it out on someone, usually in a mildly rude way. I analyze most of the major actions I make, then obsess over the results. I feel like I want to be a good, decent person, that deep inside -the real me, the me I want to be, the way I really feel- I am a good, decent person, but that my actions consistently represent me otherwise. Once enough time has passed and I've successfully apologized to all affected parties and made my best effort to right my wrong etc, I do something negative again. I say something rude to my girlfriend. I'm aloof to a close friend. At worst, I create irreparable distances in relationships. At the absolute worst, I get blackout drunk and socially embarrass myself.

But what I want to ask about, is the feeling of no control. As though these things happen without my/your proper judgment. Only until I analyze it afterwords, I can justify or at least make sense of it. I feel trapped because I act in a way I don't like. If I can't control my moods, and my moods influence the way I represent myself, how can I control my actions? It's always a puzzle. Everyday feels different. Sometimes events just line up poorly. Sometimes I gracefully make it through without bumping into others.

Does anyone else share that feeling of a lack of control? Do you feel guilty, ashamed?

[miriza]

Hi celine! I totally get you. The person I want to be deep inside of me (the person I was) is totally different from the person that is dictated by my chemically-caused moods...I'm just hoping that eventually my moods even out and reflect the old me.

[Brassmonkey]

Hey Celine--It's not the real you, it's the drugs talking. I went through a long phase like this before I started my taper in October. Damage control helps, but it may be a good idea to let those you care about in on what your going through if you havent allready, if they really are you will get their support. And don't forget the support here at PP they are a wounderful bunch.

The paxil removes your ability to care about anything which makes it so hard to exert proper judgement in any situation, for me I just didn't care enough to not care about things, if that makes sence. But it will bet better as you taper further. Gees starting at 60mg is rough, but it looks like yo have been doing the taper properly. I started at 40mg and now that I am almost down to 20mg my head is a lot clearer and I am making proper decissions (most of the time), so your coming into the range where things should start getting better.

The other thing that really helped me was to cut wwway back on the drinking. I was doing 14oz of vodka a night and couldn't remember much of anythng the next morning. I CTed down to two beers a night, and can't belive the difference, neither can my wife. The paxil actually gives you cravings for alcohol and takes away the selfcontrol to not drink it.

Good luck on your continued taper, please keep us posted.

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[celine]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your replies. Sorry for being very late in response. Life gets in the way, I guess.

miriza,

Though I would never wish this type of situation on anyone, it does help to know that others understand and are going/have been through it. I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope that your moods even out and reflect the old you, too. Best.

Brassmonkey,

It definitely helps to let your friends and loved ones (even co-workers) know what's going on. It's still hard for them, though. I know my heavily fluctuating moods are really straining for my girlfriend/our relationship. Sometimes (most of it) I just want to retreat inward, without any responsibility toward how it may affect the people around me. I do question whether I would be better off on my own, but that probably wouldn't help me well long term.

It's so weird to be next to someone you love and feel little towards them. Just off. I've been recently accused of talking clinically over emotional matters. And it's true. I look at things very objectively at the moment. It's tough, but I can -at least- recognize and accept that things aren't going to be "normal" for me, that although this a bizarre situation, it's better than being stuck on 60mg for the rest of my life.

I wish you all the best Brassmonkey. Glad your alcohol cut back has helped you. Good luck with your taper as well.

Thank you again for responding.