Having a really hard time

[julie-d]

I'm a little over 5-1/2 mos. post Paxil and having a really hard time. My anxiety gets so heightened and so intense sometimes that it feels like I'm just going to explode or lose my mind. I have so much stress in my life right now that would be challenging under normal circumstances, and dealing with it all in addition to w/d just feel completely overwhelming a lot of the time.

For example, my husband is in kidney failure and will have to start dialysis any time now and get on the list for a transplant. Right now, me and the kids are 2-1/2 hrs. away from him four days/wk. We're talking with our landlord about terminating our lease a couple months early, so we can move back where he is b/c he's too sick to keep coming back and forth (he's been doing 3 days/wk. here & 4 days away for work). Monday, he had an appointment at the transplant center 3 hours away from me. I had to drive over the night b4, stay in a hotel (where I got no sleep), drop the kids off at a friend's, drive to the transplant center in a big city with tons of traffic, got stuck in a bad traffic jam on the way, spent all afternoon in the appointment with my husband, drove to my friend's house, picked up the kids, drove 3 hrs. back home. It was incredibly stressful, anxiety producing and exhausting.

In the midst of this, my computer died, so I'm trying to deal with that. We're spending a fortune on alternative treatments for my husband, which so far, don't seem to be helping. Now, my sister, who had a liver transplant a few years ago, is in liver failure, and my elderly parents are trying to take care of her, but they have their hands full b/c my father just finished cancer treatment and is very weak. We have to move again (we just moved here less than 7 mos. ago) in a little over 2 mos. back into a house and an area that we left b/c we were burglarized while we were home sleeping. It all feels like unbearable stress. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle all this when often just getting through the day with normal circumstances while being in w/d is challenging. My life is beyond complicated, beyond difficult, beyond stressful. I'm still only sleeping about 4 or 5 hours a night, sometimes 6 if I'm lucky, and that's with natural supplements & unisom.

I wish to God I was more stable and felt better, so I could deal with all this stress better and be stronger for my family. But I'm just not there. I do have short periods where I feel calmer, but sometimes it feels like I'm just going to explode. If anyone else here has been through major stressful events while in w/d, I'd love to hear about how you got through it. I do believe in God, and have been doing my best to turn things over to God, and to have faith that I'll get through this, but it's really hard to do. I try to focus on things I have to be grateful for, and remind myself that things could be worse. And I try to meditate regularly, but that's really challenging when I'm full of anxiety and my nervous system is in overdrive. Nobody in my life understands what I'm going through with w/d, and the expectation is that I be strong and deal with it. That's never ever been harder to do than right now.

[lotusflower]

Hi Julie,

So glad you are posting here...you have been through so much! I've been through some really tough times as well, though nothing like you describe.
You mention turning things over to God.....that is the one thing that never fails me. My taper would not be possible if not for my belief and complete reliance on a Higher Power. You and your family will be in my daily prayers....and I hope you will keep posting here to get the support you need to get through this tough time.
big hug, joanne

[Bilo76]

its no wonder you experience more anxiety. I wonder if its WD. I mean you are going through A LOT. Thats a lot of stress and worrying. Everybody would be upset with this.

I wish you the very best. Hang in there. As soon as you are more months in your WD and your family problems will resolve (and they will), you will feel better. Hang in there. You are already incredible strong.

One question:
What was the original reason you were put on paxil?

[julie-d]

Bilo,
I was originally put on Paxil for depression. Looking back, I'm not sure how much of it was clinical depression and how much resulted from the fact that I'd gotten sober and come off of Xanax less than a year earlier. The doctor convinced me I was depressed. BTW, the saying in your tag line made me laugh, and I really needed a laugh today. Thx.

[Wld]

It sounds to me like you're doing your personal best, that's all anyone can do. Hang in there. My prayers are with you.