An emotional mess

ivelost · 05-22-2012, 01:29 PM

I am new to writing here, but I have been reading for a while. I was on Paxil for about 2 years. Back in feburary I lost my insurance so i slowly weaned off of them. I never would of thought that the last 2 years of my life and terrible choices were because of this medication. I just assumed I had lost my mind and changed. That is until a few months ago.

When I first got on it, it was because my husband of a year and a half, although together for 5 years, begged me to get on something for my anxiety. I have always had a problem, though not severe. I am very loud spoken and I had 3 boys and a job and a husband. Of course I would feel crazy at times. Anyway, I went to the doctor and thats what she prescribed me. I cant remember if it was 20mg or 30mg.

When I look back, it all started with me wanting to be alone in the bedroom all the time. My husband would spend a lot of time in the garage building things, and for a long time, until paxil, I would get upset because I wanted him to spend time with me. That was no longer the case. I started being mean to him and very hurtful. Hes a very tough man emotionally, and didnt bring it up much at all. I would sit on the computer at night and ignore him. There were a few times that he would fall asleep on the couch and I would get a text from a friend about going out, and thats what I did.

I started wanting to be away from him a lot and that was very unlike me.
I ended up going out one night with a friend and seeing a guy that I had know from school. A few weeks later I made the biggest mistake I ever could have. I ended up cheating on my husband.

Of course At the time I felt like it was all for a reason and I must not be in love with my husband anymore. after several weeks of treating him like crap, I moved out with my kids. I continued seeing the other guy and still with him today.

My problem is that every since I have gotten off of the Paxil, I have been wanting my husband back. I want my family back. I do love the guy I am with, but it's not the same kind of love. It,s more of a care kind of love. I am such a mess right now and very emotional. It has been 3 months since I took my last doseage. I spoke to my husband about this when I figured out that it was the medicine that changed me, but I have done too much. He thinks Im just making excuses for my actions.

Did I mention, I even got my tubes tied, and now I regret that very badly..
Please give me some advice.

Whats a girl to do??
*

jheaney1 · 05-23-2012, 09:30 AM

It's very hard for people to understand how deeply SSRI can affect the mind. It seems like you only really become aware of the changes they've made in you when you try to come off of them. For someone who has never taken them, it's probably too much of a leap to imagine it. We have this idea that our personalities are static, even though we change over the years. The idea that a drug can change our minds in such a short period, and that change is reversible once you stop, is too strange for most people. Since SSRI are prescription and not street drugs, the changes they make are dismissed. Since they're designed to treat anxiety, depression, etc. the problems that people have withdrawaling is diagnosed as an existing condition. When people experience withdrawal from Heroine or Cocaine, people accept that the symptoms are related to the drug. SSRI act on the brian in a very similar way to those drugs, they just act on different neurotransmitters and lack the overt narcotic effect.
It may take some time to reestablish a relationship with your husband. In a sense, you're starting over from scratch, just like someone with a street drug addiction would. It's a worthwhile thing to pursue, though. A personal goal is one of the best ways to start getting over a bout with SSRI, and a good relationship is a bulwark against the worst parts of withdrawal. Take it slow, try to be positive about it. It will happen, eventually
Good luck

ivelost · 05-24-2012, 05:10 AM

Thanks for responding, it makes me feel a little better knowing that what i have been feeling is normal fpr someone getting off of paxil. Some days i feel strong and some days i feel weak. And the weak days are terrible. I feel like i couldnt possibly make it through the day without him. I try so hard to just leave him alone and give him time, but it dont work. He don't believe that the paxil changed me. He says im making excuses and he cant trust me and too much time has gone by. He says im not the same. In the mean time, i have told the bf that he should move out. I think its best of course since my love for my husband has returned. I havnt told him that though, it would break his heart. He is soo emotional. He is pretty much ignoreing the moving out part so i will have to bring it up again.

i dont really know what i am doing!

lotusflower · 05-24-2012, 08:45 AM

ivelost,

Welcome to PP! Your situation sounds really tough but not uncommon for paxil users.....there are many stories here in family support like yours. Why not suggest this website to your husband? Or print out some of the stories of others and include your own thread and share with him.
I hope you will keep us posted....sending positive thoughts, joanne

jheaney1 · 05-24-2012, 10:59 AM

There are many people who have had their individual and family lives destroyed by the changes that they experienced while taking SSRI. It makes the patient more callous, less caring, less empathetic. It's insidious, too. The patient doesn't even realize that anything has changed, they feel the same, even better... they're no longer troubled by emotions or relationships. They don't realize what they're turning their back on. It can lead to addictions, lost relationships, all kinds of destructive behavior. The barrier of withdrawal and the severity of symptoms it entails makes it all the harder to stop, too. I'd almost prefer to have been addicted to a street drug. Not that withdrawal is any easier from those drugs, but they're accepted as real phenomenon, not dismissed like SSRI withdrawal.

ivelost · 05-24-2012, 01:38 PM

I want to do these things, print stuff out and try to get him to understand. today is a good day and i feel like im strong enough to not text him about things other than my son. That dont happen often so im gna wait for when i dont feel as if i need to Talk to him. He gets upset with me when i talk about it. I have been going to school and trying to better myself. i want to prove that i can be on my own and not do stupid things. Hes also very upset that i got a tubal done and cant have more children. I really want to go back and change so much that ive done. I feel soo guilty and ashamed all the time. The most important thing to me right now is getting my family back together. Im willing to do what it takes.

Thanks for listening to me.

sarah · 05-25-2012, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jheaney1

It's very hard for people to understand how deeply SSRI can affect the mind. It seems like you only really become aware of the changes they've made in you when you try to come off of them. For someone who has never taken them, it's probably too much of a leap to imagine it. We have this idea that our personalities are static, even though we change over the years. The idea that a drug can change our minds in such a short period, and that change is reversible once you stop, is too strange for most people. Since SSRI are prescription and not street drugs, the changes they make are dismissed. Since they're designed to treat anxiety, depression, etc. the problems that people have withdrawaling is diagnosed as an existing condition. When people experience withdrawal from Heroine or Cocaine, people accept that the symptoms are related to the drug. SSRI act on the brian in a very similar way to those drugs, they just act on different neurotransmitters and lack the overt narcotic effect.
It may take some time to reestablish a relationship with your husband. In a sense, you're starting over from scratch, just like someone with a street drug addiction would. It's a worthwhile thing to pursue, though. A personal goal is one of the best ways to start getting over a bout with SSRI, and a good relationship is a bulwark against the worst parts of withdrawal. Take it slow, try to be positive about it. It will happen, eventually
Good luck

I absolutely love this post. SPOT ON.

Ireallydocare · 05-25-2012, 08:20 PM

Great post!

Had I not had similar mind altering experiances of my own while getting on some blood pressure meds, I don't think I would believe it. I had a few different things happen with different drugs. One made me forget things, one made me VERY aggressive while knowing it and not being able to control it and one made me panicky and sent me into hyperventilation which made it even worse. My wife said I looked for the side effects...damn right I did! She always said she'd rather not know....

I said it before- if it is clinical that it can alter the mind for GOOD, is it so hard to believe it could be bad in some cases? I know these drugs have altered my wife!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jheaney1

It's very hard for people to understand how deeply SSRI can affect the mind. It seems like you only really become aware of the changes they've made in you when you try to come off of them. For someone who has never taken them, it's probably too much of a leap to imagine it. We have this idea that our personalities are static, even though we change over the years. The idea that a drug can change our minds in such a short period, and that change is reversible once you stop, is too strange for most people. Since SSRI are prescription and not street drugs, the changes they make are dismissed. Since they're designed to treat anxiety, depression, etc. the problems that people have withdrawaling is diagnosed as an existing condition. When people experience withdrawal from Heroine or Cocaine, people accept that the symptoms are related to the drug. SSRI act on the brian in a very similar way to those drugs, they just act on different neurotransmitters and lack the overt narcotic effect.
It may take some time to reestablish a relationship with your husband. In a sense, you're starting over from scratch, just like someone with a street drug addiction would. It's a worthwhile thing to pursue, though. A personal goal is one of the best ways to start getting over a bout with SSRI, and a good relationship is a bulwark against the worst parts of withdrawal. Take it slow, try to be positive about it. It will happen, eventually
Good luck

jheaney1 · 05-25-2012, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivelost

I feel like i couldnt possibly make it through the day without him. I try so hard to just leave him alone and give him time, but it dont work.

One of the symptoms of Paxil withdrawal is circular and obsessive thoughts. You should be on guard against focusing narrowly on one thing to the exclusion of everything else. It's very hard to steer your mind away from a topic once you get a hold on it, but be aware that it happens. Certain thoughts will compel themselves into your thoughts and stay there for days, even weeks. It can be anything, but things that you're already thinking about are usually foremost. I swear, I thought about a certain fast food restaurant that I used to eat lunch at occasionally. I couldn't stop picturing it in my mind for almost a month. It's now that I'm writing this that I realize that I haven't thought about that restaurant for almost a month. I obsessed about more important things, but the point is that certain thoughts will take on an unnatural importance during withdrawal, and can force you to act in strange ways to accommodate them. Don't push too hard in your relationship, try to think what the "rational" you would do and let it happen as naturally as you can

ivelost · 05-29-2012, 06:57 AM

Its very interesting to hear that. I am not normally an obsessive person, and yet thats how i have been acting. As much as I don't want to I cant seem to quit bothering my ex. At the end of the day, I realize that I had texted him soo much, even though I did not want to.
Anyway. The weekend was a very bad for me. I had homework to do, and I had asked my boyfriend earlier in the week to take his girls and do something so I can have the house to myself. He never wants to leave, but I feel bad making them stay in the other room while I do it. I got some stuff done, but still had lots to do. I asked him if he could take them and do something Sunday. Well Sunday came and he kept hesitating and time was going by. I got so upset and felt like I couldnt control my emotions at all. I had to go to my room and cry. I got really shaky and felt very sick. He kept trying to talk to me, but I felt like I couldn't even handle that.
He trys to get close to me and I feel like pushing him away. When he touches me at all or wants a hug or kiss it feels like torture. I have told him I need him to find a place for him and his girls, but he's not listening or even trying. I feel like it will only get worse, but I am trying to consider his feelings as well. I just need my space right now. Am i being selfish?
I started taking a b12 vitamin, a friend said it might help me. Anyone know anything about that??
I also have been really achy and paranoid lately. idk whats happening to me!

05-22-2012, 01:29 PM	#1
ivelost Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 6	An emotional mess I am new to writing here, but I have been reading for a while. I was on Paxil for about 2 years. Back in feburary I lost my insurance so i slowly weaned off of them. I never would of thought that the last 2 years of my life and terrible choices were because of this medication. I just assumed I had lost my mind and changed. That is until a few months ago. When I first got on it, it was because my husband of a year and a half, although together for 5 years, begged me to get on something for my anxiety. I have always had a problem, though not severe. I am very loud spoken and I had 3 boys and a job and a husband. Of course I would feel crazy at times. Anyway, I went to the doctor and thats what she prescribed me. I cant remember if it was 20mg or 30mg. When I look back, it all started with me wanting to be alone in the bedroom all the time. My husband would spend a lot of time in the garage building things, and for a long time, until paxil, I would get upset because I wanted him to spend time with me. That was no longer the case. I started being mean to him and very hurtful. Hes a very tough man emotionally, and didnt bring it up much at all. I would sit on the computer at night and ignore him. There were a few times that he would fall asleep on the couch and I would get a text from a friend about going out, and thats what I did. I started wanting to be away from him a lot and that was very unlike me. I ended up going out one night with a friend and seeing a guy that I had know from school. A few weeks later I made the biggest mistake I ever could have. I ended up cheating on my husband. Of course At the time I felt like it was all for a reason and I must not be in love with my husband anymore. after several weeks of treating him like crap, I moved out with my kids. I continued seeing the other guy and still with him today. My problem is that every since I have gotten off of the Paxil, I have been wanting my husband back. I want my family back. I do love the guy I am with, but it's not the same kind of love. It,s more of a care kind of love. I am such a mess right now and very emotional. It has been 3 months since I took my last doseage. I spoke to my husband about this when I figured out that it was the medicine that changed me, but I have done too much. He thinks Im just making excuses for my actions. Did I mention, I even got my tubes tied, and now I regret that very badly.. Please give me some advice. Whats a girl to do?? *

05-23-2012, 09:30 AM	#2
jheaney1 Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 472	Re: An emotional mess It's very hard for people to understand how deeply SSRI can affect the mind. It seems like you only really become aware of the changes they've made in you when you try to come off of them. For someone who has never taken them, it's probably too much of a leap to imagine it. We have this idea that our personalities are static, even though we change over the years. The idea that a drug can change our minds in such a short period, and that change is reversible once you stop, is too strange for most people. Since SSRI are prescription and not street drugs, the changes they make are dismissed. Since they're designed to treat anxiety, depression, etc. the problems that people have withdrawaling is diagnosed as an existing condition. When people experience withdrawal from Heroine or Cocaine, people accept that the symptoms are related to the drug. SSRI act on the brian in a very similar way to those drugs, they just act on different neurotransmitters and lack the overt narcotic effect. It may take some time to reestablish a relationship with your husband. In a sense, you're starting over from scratch, just like someone with a street drug addiction would. It's a worthwhile thing to pursue, though. A personal goal is one of the best ways to start getting over a bout with SSRI, and a good relationship is a bulwark against the worst parts of withdrawal. Take it slow, try to be positive about it. It will happen, eventually Good luck __________________ 2000 - 2011: 40mg/day 6-2011: 30mg/day 7-2011: 25mg/day 8-2011: 20mg/day 9-2011: 15mg/day 10-2011: 10mg/day 11-2011: 0mg/day 1-2012: (crash) 10mg/day 4-24-12: 9mg/day 6-11-12: 8.1mg/day 7-26-12: 7.5mg/day 9-24-12: 6.8mg/day 11-11-12: 6mg/day 2-14-13: 5mg/day

05-24-2012, 05:10 AM	#3
ivelost Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 6	Re: An emotional mess Thanks for responding, it makes me feel a little better knowing that what i have been feeling is normal fpr someone getting off of paxil. Some days i feel strong and some days i feel weak. And the weak days are terrible. I feel like i couldnt possibly make it through the day without him. I try so hard to just leave him alone and give him time, but it dont work. He don't believe that the paxil changed me. He says im making excuses and he cant trust me and too much time has gone by. He says im not the same. In the mean time, i have told the bf that he should move out. I think its best of course since my love for my husband has returned. I havnt told him that though, it would break his heart. He is soo emotional. He is pretty much ignoreing the moving out part so i will have to bring it up again. i dont really know what i am doing!

05-24-2012, 08:45 AM	#4
lotusflower Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 1,202	Re: An emotional mess ivelost, Welcome to PP! Your situation sounds really tough but not uncommon for paxil users.....there are many stories here in family support like yours. Why not suggest this website to your husband? Or print out some of the stories of others and include your own thread and share with him. I hope you will keep us posted....sending positive thoughts, joanne __________________ AKA Joanne 11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45 1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8 3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5 6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4 8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5 10/10 11.2 11/6 10.6 11/9 11.2 12/7 10.5 1/1/12 10 2/1 9.5 3/1 9 3/23 8.5 4/30 8 5/29 7.5 6/26 7 7/31 6.5 8/22 6 9/15 5.5 10/20 5 12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid) 12/26 4.5 1/28 4.1 2/4 4.0 February 9, 2013 last sliver zoloft 4.0mg. February 10, 2013- 0 mg. zoloft

05-24-2012, 10:59 AM	#5
jheaney1 Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 472	Re: An emotional mess There are many people who have had their individual and family lives destroyed by the changes that they experienced while taking SSRI. It makes the patient more callous, less caring, less empathetic. It's insidious, too. The patient doesn't even realize that anything has changed, they feel the same, even better... they're no longer troubled by emotions or relationships. They don't realize what they're turning their back on. It can lead to addictions, lost relationships, all kinds of destructive behavior. The barrier of withdrawal and the severity of symptoms it entails makes it all the harder to stop, too. I'd almost prefer to have been addicted to a street drug. Not that withdrawal is any easier from those drugs, but they're accepted as real phenomenon, not dismissed like SSRI withdrawal. __________________ 2000 - 2011: 40mg/day 6-2011: 30mg/day 7-2011: 25mg/day 8-2011: 20mg/day 9-2011: 15mg/day 10-2011: 10mg/day 11-2011: 0mg/day 1-2012: (crash) 10mg/day 4-24-12: 9mg/day 6-11-12: 8.1mg/day 7-26-12: 7.5mg/day 9-24-12: 6.8mg/day 11-11-12: 6mg/day 2-14-13: 5mg/day

05-24-2012, 01:38 PM	#6
ivelost Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 6	Re: An emotional mess I want to do these things, print stuff out and try to get him to understand. today is a good day and i feel like im strong enough to not text him about things other than my son. That dont happen often so im gna wait for when i dont feel as if i need to Talk to him. He gets upset with me when i talk about it. I have been going to school and trying to better myself. i want to prove that i can be on my own and not do stupid things. Hes also very upset that i got a tubal done and cant have more children. I really want to go back and change so much that ive done. I feel soo guilty and ashamed all the time. The most important thing to me right now is getting my family back together. Im willing to do what it takes. Thanks for listening to me.

05-29-2012, 06:57 AM	#10
ivelost Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 6	Re: An emotional mess Its very interesting to hear that. I am not normally an obsessive person, and yet thats how i have been acting. As much as I don't want to I cant seem to quit bothering my ex. At the end of the day, I realize that I had texted him soo much, even though I did not want to. Anyway. The weekend was a very bad for me. I had homework to do, and I had asked my boyfriend earlier in the week to take his girls and do something so I can have the house to myself. He never wants to leave, but I feel bad making them stay in the other room while I do it. I got some stuff done, but still had lots to do. I asked him if he could take them and do something Sunday. Well Sunday came and he kept hesitating and time was going by. I got so upset and felt like I couldnt control my emotions at all. I had to go to my room and cry. I got really shaky and felt very sick. He kept trying to talk to me, but I felt like I couldn't even handle that. He trys to get close to me and I feel like pushing him away. When he touches me at all or wants a hug or kiss it feels like torture. I have told him I need him to find a place for him and his girls, but he's not listening or even trying. I feel like it will only get worse, but I am trying to consider his feelings as well. I just need my space right now. Am i being selfish? I started taking a b12 vitamin, a friend said it might help me. Anyone know anything about that?? I also have been really achy and paranoid lately. idk whats happening to me!

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