My Paxil Story

[ktgone]

Well, I have finally decided to open up and post my "Paxil Story." I am not one to blog or share my personal life too often but I now feel that this forum is a safe place.

I am a 37 year-old stay-at-home mom of three school aged children. I have been fairly happily married for almost 12 years. I am educated and taught elementary school for five years before the birth of my first child. I grew up in a happy home and was the youngest and only girl of four children. My mom suffered from anxiety and possible depression that she didn't address for most of her life. I lost my mom two weeks after the birth of my first child. She had been sick for a while and didn't handle her illness well. The duration of her illness was hell and her death was very hard on my dad. I was devastated but had the distraction of a newborn that helped me cope.

Fast forward eight years later and I began thinking that I had some terrible disease. I began "googling" symptoms and visiting my doctor often. I stopped eating, wanting to be alone, began to have panic attacks, I couldn't sleep, etc. After going on like this for a couple of months and seeing my anxieties getting worse, my husband contacted a therapist who had worked with my family during my mom's illness. My therapist is a psychologist/RN and is currently seeking her NP degree so that she can eventually prescribe medication. She has had a practice for over 20 years and we have a good patient doctor relationship.

At our first meeting she diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder. She put me on Zoloft (I can't remember the mg) so that I could calm down and we could begin BCT along with talk therapy. I couldn't tolerate the Zoloft (or was it just my anxiety?) so I ended up with Paxil. Eventually I ended up on 40 mgs of Paxil. It helped a lot. My anxiety went away along with all my physical symptoms and I felt much better. I began seeing my therapist less and I was fine. However, over the course of 6 months or so I gained over 50 lbs. and had no sex drive. It hurt my relationship with my husband and did a number on my self esteem. I HATE the way I look and I stopped exercising (what is the point?) and I am ashamed of my looks. Yes, I was warned about these side effects but I was SO full anxiety that I didn't care. I sought my therapist for advice. She had always said that I wouldn't have to be on Paxil forever and now I wanted to start the weaning process. She agreed and she also said that it would be a slow process.

My first step down was from 40 mg to 30 mg for about a month. No problems. "Easy", I thought. The next taper was from 30 to 20 and yeah, I got my sex drive back with no side effects!!!!! "WONDERFUL!" I said. I stayed at 20 for two or three months, and then stepped down to 10 mg. No noticeable side effects. After three months at 10 I went to 5 mg. For the first three weeks the side effects didn't bother me. I had a "wave" sensation in my right foot, one brain "zap", and some anxious thoughts. At first I was able to push these thoughts out of my head, but three weeks into 5 mgs, the thoughts overwhelmed me. I was back to my hypochondria, worry, panic attacks, "googling," etc. I am not eating due to my anxious thoughts. Actually, I get hungry when I feel less anxious. Today I am anxious so I am not eating.

My therapist really feels that this is all withdrawal. My MD thinks I am relapsing and that is so deflating. I thought I had some awful illness (turned out to be nothing.) and was back in my doctor's office. She told me that she thinks I need to be on Paxil for the rest of my life!!!! What? Then I started thinking, "maybe she is right." My therapist says that most MD's don't understand and that I can't look to her for support when it comes to getting off Paxil. She (therapist) also thinks that my MD won't be on board with a liquid form of Paxil, so the option of a very slow taper isn't on the table for me.

Today was a bad, unsure morning. I was so freaked out. I read some support literature my therapist gave me and I read this little warning about suicidal thoughts and seeking help, etc. I thought, "Am I suicidal?" "How do I know I am not?" "What if I am?" "Okay, now I am crazy." I called my husband who has been attending all my therapy sessions with me and he assured me that I am not suicidal. He thinks that this is another one of those things I look for to panic about. I got a clean bill of health the other day so now I am focusing on that one statement because I know I am physically healthy. I tend to look for a "place" to focus my anxieties on. In this case; suicide. I adore my kids and I love my family so much I would never want to do anything so selfish. So then why am I thinking about it now? Hubby says it is the withdrawal. Withdrawal is like hell. But it is better than being crazy, right? I am feeling a little better now, but I am anticipating feeling the same way later and that freaks me out.

I am now at 5mg and have been for about 4 weeks. I am planning on trying to stabilize at this level and then go to 2.5mg stabilize, and then 2.5 every other day until I stabilize. And finally 0 mg.

Will the crazy thoughts subside as my brain readjusts? My mornings are my worst and my nights are my best. My therapist says that this is an indication of what my baseline will be once I am completely off Paxil. Ah, hope! In the meantime she wants me to utilize my coping skills; relaxation, breathing, exercise, distraction, positive self talk, etc. I don't know why I find it so hard to do these sometimes. I literally have to force myself at times. I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes today, all 190 lbs, pounds! I stopped exercising when I gained all the weight, it left me sore and in pain. But today my crazy thoughts made me want to run my *** off. I wanted to run those thoughts right out of my head!!!!! It helped somewhat. Perhaps the benefits are accumulative.

I went to my kids school and was "lunch mom" a great distraction. Once again I am home alone and feeling anxious. I see my therapist in three weeks. I want to try to "weather this storm" until then. I want to be strong. I want to do this without any further medication or having to go back up to 10 mg. My husband tells me to take one day at a time. It is hard because I fear being like this forever. The "what ifs" are torture.

Well, that is the "Cliff Notes" version of my life right now and how I got here. Paxil saved me from my awful anxiety, but it came at a cost. I now want to free myself of this chain and be strong enough to tolerate life's anxieties on my own. The darkness and fear of withdrawal could deter my wishes if I am not careful. I have to be strong and proactive. Why is it so hard to do this? Thank God for this forum where people understand what it is like. Take a deep breathe and remember, day by day.

[NoRx4me]

Welcome! I'm glad you felt comfortable to tell your story here. You are certainly not alone.

I know you said you didn't want to go back to 10mg but I would think about it if you've been on Paxil for a year or more. Many people have a hard time once they try to go below 10.

My therapist really feels that this is all withdrawal. My MD thinks I am relapsing and that is so deflating. I thought I had some awful illness (turned out to be nothing.) and was back in my doctor's office. She told me that she thinks I need to be on Paxil for the rest of my life!!!! What? Then I started thinking, "maybe she is right." My therapist says that most MD's don't understand and that I can't look to her for support when it comes to getting off Paxil. She (therapist) also thinks that my MD won't be on board with a liquid form of Paxil, so the option of a very slow taper isn't on the table for me.

I think your therapist is right that much of this is withdrawal. I also agree, your MD, like most, doesn’t understand withdrawal. However, you can be assertive with your doctor and tell her/him that you plan to withdrawal slowly and would like a prescription for liquid. If there are objections, you can say; it shouldn’t be a problem that you want to be more cautious and not taper too quickly. Even the company label says to taper off and if symptoms occur that are intolerable, go back up in dose and consider tapering more slowly. Maybe you can have your husband go with you and explain (argue). Or you can lie and say you’re staying on them, get your prescription and cut the pills and taper using a scale.

I am now at 5mg and have been for about 4 weeks. I am planning on trying to stabilize at this level and then go to 2.5mg stabilize, and then 2.5 every other day until I stabilize. And finally 0 mg.

Every other day dosing will not get or keep you stable. Please don’t do this. This will cause withdrawal every other day.

Will the crazy thoughts subside as my brain readjusts? My mornings are my worst and my nights are my best. My therapist says that this is an indication of what my baseline will be once I am completely off Paxil. Ah, hope! In the meantime she wants me to utilize my coping skills; relaxation, breathing, exercise, distraction, positive self talk, etc. I don't know why I find it so hard to do these sometimes.

I think much of these thoughts will subside on their own as your brain readjusts. I also think those coping skills will get easier to use as that happens.

Hang in there!

[ktgone]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and suggestions.

I agree that my taper may have been too fast. I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow to discuss a game plan for the tapering. I talked to her tonight and she really believes that I am not going to act on any risky behaviors and all those crazy thoughts are withdrawal based. She also wonders why I am having "bad" mornings and good nights since I am taking the meds at bedtime. So we may try taking the meds at a different time. I still want to do a slow taper which she totally supports.


Wow! This Paxil stuff is HARD!!!! But it is always good to know that I am not alone!!!! Thank you again!!!!!!

[NoRx4me]

She also wonders why I am having "bad" mornings and good nights since I am taking the meds at bedtime. So we may try taking the meds at a different time. I still want to do a slow taper which she totally supports.

There was a thread about that recently (morning versus evening). I'll see if I can find it.

Possibly because Cortisol is naturally high in the mornings. There's more than just the brain that will be readjusting as you taper. Lots of things (hormones, metabolism, endocrine system) are effected by SSRI's and take time to get back to normal.

How long were you on Paxil before you started tapering?

You could invite your therapist to visit this site. She sounds like a great person that is willing to learn and use the information to help others.

[MaggiePooh]

Hi, ktgone.

I told my Psychiatrist that I was feeling a pretty strong need for the Paxil by late afternoon when I was taking it at bedtime.

He suggested that, as a step prior to beginning my tapering, to split the dosage between morning and evening.

It seems to help. Perhaps, since Paxil has such a short half-life, it maintains more of a constant presence in my system.

Best of luck to you!

[ktgone]

I was on Paxil for about 13 months or so when I began to taper.

I gained over 50lbs and I was an runner!!!! Needless to says to run 4-5 with all this weight is painful on my knees, feet, etc. So I stopped. I know, my bad. But I began exercising again this week. (Jogging, walking, yoga) Begin so overweight has created some major body issues for me and my self esteem has been effected.

I want to be off this drug and I know can do it. But this withdrawal is hell. I need to be functional, I have a family to take care of! I think probably going back up a dosage or two so that I am stable and tapering very slowly from there will be what's best. Part if me feels like a failure and that I lack the strength to deal with withdrawal. But then I read this forum and I am reminded that it is very hard to get off Paxil.

I have one question if I do not have access to liquid Paxil, how to you taper 10% with a pill. I know can split a pill in half with a pill cutter, but 10% seems complicated. I looked up the cost of a pharmacy scale and they are really pricey! Any suggestions?

Thanks

[ktgone]

Well, I saw my therapist and my brother came along to sort of fill in the blanks and support me.

What I learned today (and I had actually figured out last week) was that as a child I never learned the healthy, basic ways to deal with anxiety.
My mom was full of anxiety and depression and she tried to control my life to an unhealthy level. My dad was there but rather uninvolved when it came to dealing with life's stressors. Mom would always need the reassurance of her parents when she had worries, etc. If they said it would be okay, then it would be okay. I did this for many years too until my mom passed away in '01. However, my newborn daughter served as my distraction to get past those dark days. I have to really begin to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety so that I can be my safe person WITHOUT medication. Wow! So much to learn and I have to admit it scares me. The wonderful "what ifs" come into play. See, that is an example of what I have to change.

Anyway, the plan is to have me go back up to 10mgs for three to six months. My therapist says that you have to stay at this amount for a least this long so that it isn't too hard on the brain. While my body is adjusting to this step up I am to take a half of a Xanex (very low dosage to begin with and left over from my first anxious bout in '09) if my mornings are too much to bear. The Xanex is to be taken for only one week and no longer. By that time she thinks I will be better since I was at 10 mgs for three months with little or no withdrawal. During this next week I have to work on my coping skills like I am taking a class. She gave me some great websites with free downloads. I actually have to do this a lot before she will agree to the next taper. She wants me to be ready when that time comes.

To be honest thinking about that time scares the you know what out of me after what I have been through. But I have to put that out of my mind because it is months down the road and I have to get my head on straight. Eventually I will be free of Paxil but it isn't going to be easy.

As for cutting the doses I guess I can worry about that in 3-6 months. After reading about people having issues going from the pill to liquid I am reconsidering that as an option. Again, I have to deal with one thing at a time.

My therapist also suggested, um rather told me, to stay off the computer for a week. She thinks that I spending too much time obsessing over my withdrawal and maybe looking for withdrawal symptoms. Again, I have to work on not letting things I read get into my head too much.

Oh and I also told her of my "suicidal thoughts" and she assured me that it is the withdrawal and that after being my therapist for over a 18 months she knows I would never do anything like that. "You would never leave you kids".
She is right, they are my world. And they make me smile even through the haze of withdrawal. Wish me luck. Hopefully the next time I post I will be doing well on the 10 mg and working hard on my issues.

[MaggiePooh]

Hi, ktgone.

I'm glad that you sought help for the anxiety you were experiencing. There's no reason for you to suffer needlessly if an adjustment can be made to your tapering plan.

Take care.

[MaggiePooh]

ktgone - In one of your previous posts you asked about cutting pills and purchasing a scale. I asked the same in another thread and received this helpful response from LCrawford67:

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

We have several threads regarding scales, here's just a few:

http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ighlight=scale


http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ighlight=scale


http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ighlight=scale


http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ighlight=scale

Hope this helps.

[ktgone]

Well, it has been over a year since I last posted and things are much better. However, I went through HELL. In a nutshell, I ended up in a hospital due to what I now think was Paxil withdrawal. I was full of anxiety, desperation and intrusive thoughts. I was afraid I might hurt myself or my kids. The one good thing my hospital stay brought me was a psychiatrist that assured me I would be okay.

He weaned me off Paxil during my 10 day stay and diagnosed me with OCD and GAD. (Although I am not totally sold on the OCD part of this diagnosis) I was put on Celexa but ended up on Clomipramine and Abilify. The combo was effective and I got on with my life.

Now I am weaning off the Clomipramine due to the fact that I can't loose my leftover Paxil weight and also because I have been doing so well. I was at 100 mg and now I am down to 25mg. The plan is to have me at 25 mg for 7 days and then down to zero. I am to keep taking the Abilify for the next month to see if the weight starts to come off. (I have been on WW since October and I have managed to loose about 17 lbs, but I can't seem to loose anymore.) If it doesn't I am to stop the Abilify. If I start to relapse, I have contact my shrink and he will put me back on the Clomipramine and taper from there.

I have to admit I am a bit apprehensive about not taking my meds anymore (after my previous experience). But the Paxil weight gain is so depressing!!!! I mean as long as I am on antidepressants loosing weight will always be a struggle, right? I know WW works (I was on the program after each of my kids and lost all my baby weight) and yes, I do exercise. The extra pounds upset me and make me feel so ugly. I only wish my doc and therapist at the time would have monitored my weight gain. I mean GAD is terrible for one's health but so is a 50 lbs weight gain!!!!!!

So I am on my last three Clomipramines and so far so good. I have had some anxiety but it has been manageable. Any intrusive thoughts are also easy to manage. The difference between me now and the Paxil-weaning me is that I feel emotionally stronger and more ready for the bumps that may occur. Wish me luck!!!

[rose32]

ktgone

Hi I was reading your story. I sure hope you do well. You have been through a lot.

You are back here posting...... keep it up it helps to journal. Others will add to or answer any questions you have.

I hope all goes well on this taper.

Rose32

[ktgone]

Thanks Rose! Hopefully this taper will do the job and I will be free of meds!

[ktgone]

Today I am throwing myself a pity party. I am feeling very depressed over my frickin' weight. I have been actively trying to loose since October and as of July 2nd, only lost 17 lbs. I threw myself a pity party then and gain 5 lbs back so now I am at a net loss of only 12 lbs. How pathetic!

I have been off the Clomipramine for a about a week and half now. I am still taking the Abilify (which I am suppose to keep doing over the next few weeks to see if the weight starts to come off, if not, I am to stop that as well.) I have been enrolled in WW which used to work for me. But since Paxil/Clomipramine/Abilify I seem to be bouncing up and down with my weight never getting past a certain number. I exercise, eat right, attend my WW meetings but nothing is changing. It is so frustrating!!!!!!!!!!

I was always a thin person. When I packed on the baby weight I followed the WW plan and exercised and lost all I had gained (THREE TIMES!!!!). Now after the meds it is a different story. It is kind of funny, they put you on an antidepressant for, in my case, extreme anxiety. It works but puts on a ton of weight. Then you get depressed about the weight gain! Vicious circle I tell ya!

Will I ever be the person I was before the Paxil?