Pushing those you love away....

[Honeysuckle]

I've just had one of my anger episodes...brought on by my fiance being away for two days with his children. I've just told him I don't think I can do it,he can juggle them and me in the state I'm in, told him I'm not putting in any more effort with them (19 &21) and don't want them here at our house. I said lots actually.

I don't want to break up with him at all-but it just seems too hard. They have made no effort to get to know me in the twelve months we've been together and it hurts as they are polite and sweet girls-but I suspect fiercely loyal to their mother.

ANyway-how common is this? How far is too far to push? i don't want to blame my bad behaviour on w/d but it's not helping.

As mentioned in my journal post, I've always had issues with them and having to share him with them. It may be back to our relationship counsellor perhaps.

[julieannboo]

i am vile to my boyfriend if he upsets me.

it is like i am a child and cant control my anger issues.

even if he in the wrong - my reaction is exaggerated and disproportionate to the situation.

i do think it a comibination of the drugs and not having a voice to stand up for myself when i was younger.

[Honeysuckle]

Originally Posted by julieannboo

i am vile to my boyfriend if he upsets me.

it is like i am a child and cant control my anger issues.

even if he in the wrong - my reaction is exaggerated and disproportionate to the situation.

This is exactly me too. I've basically made him to believe he's not capable of being a Dad and a partner to me at the same time. Sigh. Sometimes-well often times I just wish he didn't have kids. But he does and it's times like this if I wonder really can accept them as part of the deal.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by Honeysuckle

This is exactly me too. I've basically made him to believe he's not capable of being a Dad and a partner to me at the same time. Sigh. Sometimes-well often times I just wish he didn't have kids. But he does and it's times like this if I wonder really can accept them as part of the deal.

If you can't accept the kids as part of the deal, then you move on. I'm a stepparent and went into the relationship knowing full well that Bill's kids were priority, as they should be. I knew this going in, and embraced it. My step kids are like my own. If you're going to insist on him cutting back on time with his kids, you are going to lose. And asking him to do this is extremely unfair to him.

[jheaney1]

I had a very hard time with anger in withdrawal. It's very hard to control. I wrote a blog post about it trying to explain it.
http://npanth.wordpress.com/2012/07/...ri-withdrawal/

[Honeysuckle]

Laurie-I agree I have to accept them or leave the relationship. It's really hard and something we have been working through in counselling together. They are not young (19 and 21) and have not accepted me, or even come close, even after a year of me pushing through my own panic and anxieties to make a real effort and reach out to them - I would say I am 'politely tolerated' by them. I want to embrace them but they keep me at arms length....I understand their hesitation but I don't have the energy to keep reaching out and receive nothing back at all.

My partner has been admittedly idealistic about how it would all work with us getting to know each other and the only answer I have right now is that I either leave or we stop forcing the situation (dinners, contact etc).

I'm in such a negative headspace right now it' probably best to not make any rash decisions.

James-thanks for your link-I am going to have a read now-my anger really is damaging right now and this is only the second time I have had to deal with it during my withdrawal and it's pretty scary. This is a man who I have made a life with and was planning to marry- so much of our relationship is incredible. Now it's all on hold.

I won't go into much more about my relationship or his girls, there's so many other things about us and what we have experienced that I can't possibly fairly portray here.

[lotusflower]

Originally Posted by scotty

If you can't accept the kids as part of the deal, then you move on. I'm a stepparent and went into the relationship knowing full well that Bill's kids were priority, as they should be. I knew this going in, and embraced it. My step kids are like my own. If you're going to insist on him cutting back on time with his kids, you are going to lose. And asking him to do this is extremely unfair to him.

Couldn’t have said this better.

I was involved with a guy with two kids who I thought was my soulmate.
That was even before withdrawal and pre zoloft. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it would have been if I’d been in withdrawal. I got out because I had a tough time dealing with the baggage of his ex and kids. I was a year into the relationship and thankfully had the good sense to spare him, the kids, me, all of us, a great deal of agony.
We also went to counseling. I thought that the counselor would help him to see things “my way.” Thankfully, he did not. What he did do was help me to see the reality of the situation.
I saw that my needy demands weren’t fair to him and ESPECIALLY not fair to his kids.
I was heart broken at the time, but that experience brought me closer to finding a far better match for me, my current husband.

[Honeysuckle]

I'm heartbroken already at the possible reality that this may not be the relationship I thought it was. But tonight my head is an utter mess.

Laurie and Joanne-I really want to accept them-their Dad is the best thing that has ever happened to me...but I need help in finding the way....

The thing is-we hardly ever see his girls-they are almost adults and getting on with their own lives! I get most of his time. He has made our relationship the priority and I know this. He is the happiest he has ever been in his life after a rather unhappy 20-year marriage. I just get these incredible moments of insecurity every now and then and wonder if i will regret throwing it all away because of my insecurity and neediness.

[miriza]

I do it....I push away those I love the most...
I do not know why....it has only been that way for me since the drugs...

I was a lover, a hugger...now I have bad paranoia in w/d...that may be why...it is a subconscious irrational thing for me...VERY painful

[Honeysuckle]

A new day, the storm has passed, and it's now time to clean up and assess the damage. I'll write about it in my journal.