Happy New Me

[aberdeen]

Not only that but when I'm in a wave I'm convinced my WHOLE LIFE has been miserable? I really do feel that way! It's crazy, but it's almost impossible to recall positive states of mind when in this sh*t hole. Why is that? So weird....

[Wld]

July 30
Trying to keep better records, not just talk so much.
July 27 & 28 were horrible. Severe anxiety and fear on Fri.
Sat. there was extreme sleepiness as I'm sure I was "coming down" from the intense flight/fight feeling I had been experiencing for days.

Yesterday, Sun. was much better, maybe 75% normal.

Today, Mon. woke up to moderate fear/anxiety. It's early, hopefully things will get better as the day goes on. Mondays, in general are never good days for me. I go see my therapist today and he usually helps. So we'll see....

New stressors....the kids are gearing up to go back to school. All that goes along with that , meetings, practices, shopping, we're even going on vacation this week-trying to get in that last big who rah before the school year begins. Wish I looked forward to ANY of this. Ugh.

[FJ929]

Originally Posted by Wld

July 30
Trying to keep better records, not just talk so much.
July 27 & 28 were horrible. Severe anxiety and fear on Fri.
Sat. there was extreme sleepiness as I'm sure I was "coming down" from the intense flight/fight feeling I had been experiencing for days.

Yesterday, Sun. was much better, maybe 75% normal.

Today, Mon. woke up to moderate fear/anxiety. It's early, hopefully things will get better as the day goes on. Mondays, in general are never good days for me. I go see my therapist today and he usually helps. So we'll see....

New stressors....the kids are gearing up to go back to school. All that goes along with that , meetings, practices, shopping, we're even going on vacation this week-trying to get in that last big who rah before the school year begins. Wish I looked forward to ANY of this. Ugh.

Have a good vaca Wld!!! Try to sit back and relax.

[Timinjapan]

I can still remember when stressors were fun, and the more I took on the faster the day went by. In fact, I don't recall ever using the word "stressor" until about a year ago. And now almost everything is a potential one.

Take care and have a nice vacation!

[lotusflower]

Wld,

I have so much compassion for you guys with kids. How do you do it?
You inspire me, really. Sending prayers and a big hug.....it will get better one day at a time, joannexo

[Wld]

July 31
Yesterday was crazy miserable. My anxiety was incredibly intense all day long. I didn't even have a 5 min. break. I was this close to restarting Celexa again. Or maybe even Prozac. I've replayed this scenario about a million times in my head. I believe it didn't work the first time bc I started the dose too high and it was too much of a shock to my system. IF I did it again I'd start at 2-3 mg and see how it goes for a couple weeks. Anyway, I haven't yet...probably won't bc the thought really does repulse me. My one and only motivation in doing this is bc I feel like I've been such an absent mom this last year--- sure you can say I've done my best "i've been there but haven really been there", if you know what i mean...and that just isn't good enough. There's just about nothing I wouldn't consider to get back to my kids. My time with them is limited and it's my most precious commodity. My youngest is an upcoming freshman. If I could get another 4-5 yrs. out of an ad, I'd have to consider it.

So can someone tell me...is this what's considered acute withdrawal? This 4th month? I've had days of feeling like crap all along but they never lasted for
weeks on end, like this. Any idea how much longer it may go on for? I'd rather hear the truth...it's not like it's going to have any real bearing in my recovery anyway. I figure my brain's gonna do what my brain's gonna do, regardless....it'll heal in it's own sweet time. I've heard about the 9th month being particulary difficult but what can you tell me about mos 4-8?

We leave for vacation Fri. and it really isn't a big deal...we're just going to stay a few nights down at the beach and watch the US Surfing Competition. If I didn't feel like crap I'd really be excited. Really trying hard to pull things together.

[lotusflower]

Wld,

I'm no expert, but from what I've read here, it seems that you are looking at minimum 18 mos. since your last dose. And that is being conservative, imo. You were on the drug for 10 years, right? And essentially c/t'd.
I understand completely where you are coming from re: your thinking of trying another time. Honestly don't know what I'd do if I were in your position.
That said though, I do know that there never seems to be a good time in one's life to taper.
I''m interested to hear what others think.

[aberdeen]

I don't know what to say Wld...my situtaion is so darn messy it's not similar. I sort of "re-instated" but it never really helped...and I tried with 3 different meds. Then I gave Paxil months to "kick in" and I thought it finally did, but then I started with the wave crap. It could be, for me, that if I had re-instated at a much higher dose it might have worked, but I refused. Plus Effexor is an SNRI and maybe no amount of SSRI would do much for me in w/d.I was on Effexor at a dose that equalled 60mg of Paxil, yet I only took 20mg to compensate, and maybe that's why I've never had relief. Now I've just given up and moving on with my Paxil taper. These "waves" surprise me as I'm 17 months away now from leaping off Effexor so fast. I have to agree 18 mos sounds about right, and for some, longer However, like me, you might get months in a row of feeling good, and it's a nice break and puts a lot of time in between that last dose and the present. I seem to have really long waves and really long windows. Never had these experiences you have (and others) of good days and bad days. I wish I could advise you better because I KNOW how it feels to be the half a$$ed Mom, it's not fair to these kids, and it sucks in a million different ways. I hate it...but in my case I'm just going to keep toughing it out because it's already been almost 18 months for me anyway. Either way, you're in my prayers and I know there'll be an end to this all for you at some point, hopefully sooner than later! Hang in there!

[Wld]

Originally Posted by lotusflower

Wld,

I'm no expert, but from what I've read here, it seems that you are looking at minimum 18 mos. since your last dose. And that is being conservative, imo. You were on the drug for 10 years, right? And essentially c/t'd.
I understand completely where you are coming from re: your thinking of trying another time. Honestly don't know what I'd do if I were in your position.
That said though, I do know that there never seems to be a good time in one's life to taper.
I''m interested to hear what others think.

Yes, I am a cold turkeyer, and I've heard 18 mos. too. I guess I'd like to hear more about the acute phase (if there is such a thing),... And how long it lasts. This is where I caved before....at 4 months, it seems pretty close to impossible. This go around being worse than the last. I kicked myself last

time for not enduring but this is different--I'm not doing well.

Joanne you're such a sweetie--thanks for responding. XOXO


You too Aberdeen, love ya!

[caperjackie]

My 'acute' phase lasted about 3 months. I have never experienced anxiety like that in my life - brutal. I know of others who went through much the same thing for about the same amount of time although that does not mean that everyone does. Once that insane chemically induced stuff was over it has never been that bad again. Try to hang in there if you can (I know it must be incredibly difficult with children still at home) - do whatever you can to get through each horrible day. It WILL pass ......

[miriza]

I don't have anything positive to say really because my experience has been Hellish...but just yesterday after a morning that started with delusional thoughts and slurred speech, I had 3 instances where I felt like 80% ME. I haven't had windows that bright since the beginning...but today I can actually feel like half of my brain has shut down.

What I mean to say is that I truly believe that these intense wave periods is where the healing takes place. I am telling you, I was SOOO distraught yesterday morning with the slurred speech (which i haven't had since the first month) and irrational thoughts, but then hours later - BAM - 3 bright windows! The days before I also oscillated between depression and mania -- I want to think that my brain is trying really hard to find a balance.

Hugs my friend, miriza

[aberdeen]

For me months 1-5 were straight torture, anxiety like I never knew a human could endure and a host of other symptoms. After the 5th month I had a few good weeks, then another wave-but I didn't feel as out of control the second and subsequent waves, plus they only lasted a month or 2 each. That was for me the worst period, month 1-5. Maybe it hit me sooner than 4 months out because it was Effexor? Maybe the Paxil changed it all up for me? I don't know. But I wold call that my "acute" phase.

[Wld]

Aug. 1st--horrible day--extreme anxiety/fear

Aug. 2nd-- more of the same plus some crucifying depression

Still pretty much doing everything I'm supposed to but man is it hard.

[Wld]

Aug. 3rd
Better day. A hundred miles away from good, but better. I slept about 12 hrs. last night which I'm sure helped. I still have all the regular symptoms but they're just toned down to where I can actually think straight. When symptoms are ampted like they have been all I can do is sit still and pray. I still don't have much hope or optimism, and am depressed as all get out but my hearts not beating in my throat--so that's nice. I've learned to use these days to get stuff done. Life goes on and all and the
flippin laundry pile isn't getting any smaller.

[Timinjapan]

Hi, Wld. I'm very glad to hear you've noticed an improvement and I hope it will continue. A 12-hour sleep? How did you manage it? Five cups of cocoa? I am happy to get six hours these days. After that, it's a half-waking state with strange dreams until I force myself to get up.

You've passed the four-month point, which is as far as you got last year before reinstating. This time you are going to carry on regardless of any unpleasant systems. The laundry pile and the people at PP are here to help you. And I say this as a man who has washed the futon covers and vacuumed the house this morning.

[Wld]

Aug. 4th. Fairly normal. Nice day at the beach. With a car load of crazy teenagers and an ocean full of surfers it's hard to be depressed. Being at the beach was good for my soul...deep breaths, ocean air, sand between my toes....it was good.

Aug 5. Livable

Aug. 6th today. Somewhere between livable and bad.

This is the place i imagine in my nightmares i end up stuck forever...somewhere between livable and bad. Stinkin depression...it's just bad enough to make me question whether it's real or WD. Anxiety's there too, but I'm 99% sure it's not me. It's a hellish 111 degrees outside and my son's out practicing football. That makes me nuts. The kids have to go back to school Wed. and that makes me nuts too. I'm just sad, sad, sad....all the time these days, sad. Not happy, sorry folks this just isn't gonna do.

[tchrldy]

Hi Wld! I wish I had a strong, informed opinion on whether you should reinstate or not! As a mother I know the ache of not being all there for your kids...I just wish there was some formula to follow to know if reinstatement would buy you sweet time with your kids or not....my heart goes out to you!! These damn meds! You deserve so much better! I honestly don't know what I'd do.

((((Hugs))))

aka Katie

[tchrldy]

Actually, I think the nagging question of would reinstatement have been more successful if I had reinstated at a lower dose would have pushed me to try it again. I guess the possibility that it could buy me time would have lured me in...but oh the fear of wd getting worse...I just don't know.

aka Katie

[Timinjapan]

Hi Wld!

As you've identified, a nice day at the beach with the kids is enough to lift your mood - at least some of the time. The black hole of depression is more likely to strike when you're on your own or have nothing interesting to do.

You WON'T end up stuck "here" forever. You are going through a period of "brain damage" in which - due to SSRI use, CT and the aftermath - your own internal resources are not enough to lift your spirits. But you can still respond positively to external events. So things should get easier for you as time goes by.

But even if you were to get stuck "here" forever, which you won't of course, you will only experience it one day at a time, and even stinking depression has a variation in tempo.

How are things now compared with when you were at your worst?

[miriza]

Originally Posted by Wld

Aug. 4th. Fairly normal.

This is GOOD - VERY VERY GOOD at your time off...coming from someone who really had her first window in about 5 months last week (and it only lasted a few hours). I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but this is very fast progress...You'll get there sooner than you think.

Hugs, miriza

[Wld]

Hi Katie, yea I know, I don't know what to do so I don't do anything....day after day after day. Great plan isn't it? I just can't bring myself to try again. There's a lot of stubbornness involved here too. You and I need to talk one of these days I need to hear your thoughts on surviving the empty nest...you seem to have such a positive attitude.

Tim, this 4th mo. is the worst. I mean Ive had bad all along...extremes, but this is just shy of impossible. Thank you for your encouragement, you're a dear.

Miriza....really, you think so? Because man you sound like you mean it... Haha. No really, you give me hope. Thanks for that

[Wld]

Aug. 8
What a day! Symptom-wise, pretty good, everything else...pretty bad. ITS A HUNDRED BILLIZILION DEGREES HERE!! Power's been out most of the day. It's just horrible.

My baby started high school today....sad, sad and more sad. Poor guy just got home from 3 hour football practice in 110+ degree heat. Sprained wrist, ice pack on his back from a pinched nerve (? Idk) ugh!! School starts at 7:20... It's gonna be a long season.

Got a flat tire today, actually two...ran over some roofing nails. I spent 3hrs. waiting at the tire store (getting TO the tire store was a whole other miserable story) for them to tell me they're irrepairable. They're gonna cost me $350. each and that they didn't have them, they had to order them and I'll have to come back tomorrow. So, I'm really looking forward to
tomorrow.

But I have to say even when I went out to my car and noticed this...both tires flat...already late for picking up the kids, and did I mention THE HEAT, I didn't freak. No anxiety! I acted like I always would have acted, annoyed and pissed but no anxiety. Another huge clue that all these symptoms I've been having are wd symptoms and NOT me.

So why do I keep having all these bad days? Gosh it's just been a sting of them. I blame most of it on the heat....everything's always worse in the heat.

[aberdeen]

Wld it's so awesome to know the difference between you and w/d. I'm getting the hang of this crap-I should be after almost 2 years-and I TOTALLY know when I'm "me" and when I'm in a wave. I so get the being happy when you react with being pissed off, mad or whatever other totally appropriate reaction may be but NOT that freaked out anxiety feeling. It's a glimpse of the real you in there, and it's reassuring to see it's not damaged and still there and that you'll be fine when this is all over!

[lotusflower]

Wld,

I love reading your posts....your strong spirt and sense of humor help me to lighten up and not take this whole w/d saga so seriously. So happy you're here. jxo

[Wld]

Aug. 9
So the tire store's a lot of fun. Sitting here waiting AGAIN. I figure it could be worse I could be the one putting the tires on--according to the thermometer it's 112 outside.

I seem to be in a holding pattern with the anxiety/depression. Two days now, things are ok. I think this is about as good as it's gonna get for the time being. It feels like I'm on verge of things going really bad but they don't. There's like a wall there. So I'm not happy but things could be a lot worse.