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08-06-2012, 07:11 AM
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#476 |
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
God, dear God, please bring me back my essence, my capacity to feel love, empathy, compassion...this is what I miss the most of my old self...
I am fighting the anti-me with all I have but I feel I do not have access to my soul....and it is like trying to find something in the darkness.... You are healing others and that gives me hope that you can heal me too....PLEASE God I beg you....for my family please.... Were those windows a week ago even real???
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience. 
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08-07-2012, 06:00 PM
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#477 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Brain, if I had you in front of me I would kick you, spit on you and call you names...you have failed me and I wish I could just let go of all this rage on you. My soul needs to be free and you're limiting it. You're twisting and warping all my thoughts and feelings and I hate you for that.
You don't know how it kills me to look at my family and feel fear or anger but know that behind all of that there's a feeling of love that is being misinterpreted by you...I hate you brain, you have failed me...I literally feel like my brain has been blow-torched or electrocuted  I would give up a part of my cognition for my feelings...make a 3.0 GPA kind of gal and I'd take it gladly as long as you can bring me some joy, love, empathy and compassion...Give me physical pain, come on bring it on...as long as you can ease my emotional torture...this is never-ending God...it truly is...and what was that window all about? A fluke????
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-09-2012, 06:50 AM
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#478 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
It is really bad when the fear of failing at killing yourself and its consequences is greater than the fear of dying...so I am trapped in Hell regardless...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-09-2012, 11:05 AM
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#479 |
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: California
Posts: 2,032
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Miriza please!!!! Your making your self nuts. Your brain has been poisoned by the drugs and is doing the best it can to recover, but it really needs the love and compassion of it owner. Please for your brains sake let it all go and relax, you will get better and it will happen faster if you let it instead of fighting it so hard. I feel your frustration, we all do. Acceptance is a hard thing but it will help.
(((((((((((((((Holding you tight))))))))))))
__________________
AKA Tom 1994 started 20mg Paxil 1999 updosed to 30mg 2005 updosed to 40mg 2010 started not to work very well 09/2011 CTed from 15oz vodka a night 09/2011 dropped to 36mg 06/2012 dropped to 19mg (past halfway point)  08/2012 dropped to 17.1mg 09/2012 dropped to 15.2mg 11/2012 dropped to 13.8mg 12/2012 dropped to 12.4mg 01/2013 dropped to 11.1mg 03/2013 dropped to 10.0mg 
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08-09-2012, 11:56 AM
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#480 |
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,922
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Miriza I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so scary and has robbed us Moms of so much precious time. I read one night from some old post, a guy wrote something about comparing ourselves to WWII soldiers. They had to go overseas and lose out on at least 3 years of their children's lives, they had to abandon their whole life and everything in it, not even knowing for sure if they'd make it back. It's like we're in a war too, and have to just keep fighting until one day we can come home and never look back again. Our chances of survival are fantastic compared to a soldier's, and at least we can SEE our life happening and be somewhat part of it, and the prognosis of 100% recovery is pretty much a gaurantee. One hour at a time.
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD Dec 2010 Poop-out and rapid 3 month wean. Off Effexor March 2011 Hell started 1 month later-tried 3 other meds to deal with w/d nothing worked. . Now tapering from 20mg Paxil (still recovering from Effexor w/d) Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg Mar 5/13- 9mg Apr 12/13-8.1mg May 5/13-7.3mg |
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08-09-2012, 01:54 PM
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#481 |
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So. CA
Posts: 904
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Those windows you had the other day WERE real, they'll come back and they'll probably surprise you at the most random time. You have to hang in there sweetie those little cutie patooties you have need their mama!
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001 Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011 AD free for 5 mos. Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11 Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating 5mg. 2/15/12. 4mg. 2/27/12. 3mg. 3/7/12 2mg. 3/14/12 1mg. 3/21/12 Last dose 3/27/12  |
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08-10-2012, 06:54 AM
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#482 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
We all heal 100%??? Well...if it is 2-3-4-5-7 years from now I do not want it... I want it while my kids are little...no one is going to bring back these years to me...no one...and I want to be able to hug my babies and feel normal....
I remember being sad when my oldest turned one....how she was never going to be a baby again...and how I only had 17 years left with her until she left for college...yes, I loved her sooo much that I wanted to spend every moment of her life with her... So do not tell me to accept this...I wont...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-10-2012, 07:35 AM
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#483 |
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,922
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
I feel your pain. My youngest starts school in grade 1 this fall, which means she will now be at school every day. When she started going just part time, and my oldest went everyday for the first time, I was so excited to have every other day alone with my girl. Those 2 years are now over and they were filled with w/d hell, and I feel ripped off. I have to remember that as a parent it's got to be more about them than us. And for her, my daughter probably doesn't realize how much I suffered, and hopefully she'll never know, or feel as ripped off as I do, I'm sure she has no idea. As for me, I'll just have to cherish every second when I feel better, and make days where I can have that one on one with her, and my older child. BUt boy do I understand how you feel.
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD Dec 2010 Poop-out and rapid 3 month wean. Off Effexor March 2011 Hell started 1 month later-tried 3 other meds to deal with w/d nothing worked. . Now tapering from 20mg Paxil (still recovering from Effexor w/d) Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg Mar 5/13- 9mg Apr 12/13-8.1mg May 5/13-7.3mg |
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08-10-2012, 04:11 PM
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#484 |
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So. CA
Posts: 904
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Miriza I can't even talk rationally about this subject. You know how I feel.
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001 Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011 AD free for 5 mos. Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11 Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating 5mg. 2/15/12. 4mg. 2/27/12. 3mg. 3/7/12 2mg. 3/14/12 1mg. 3/21/12 Last dose 3/27/12 |
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08-10-2012, 06:58 PM
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#485 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Brief flash of love and joy tonight...I can't wait for those flashes to become more frequent and longer-lasting...It felt AMAZING!
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-10-2012, 09:13 PM
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#486 | |
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,922
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Quote:
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD Dec 2010 Poop-out and rapid 3 month wean. Off Effexor March 2011 Hell started 1 month later-tried 3 other meds to deal with w/d nothing worked. . Now tapering from 20mg Paxil (still recovering from Effexor w/d) Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg Mar 5/13- 9mg Apr 12/13-8.1mg May 5/13-7.3mg |
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08-11-2012, 06:46 AM
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#487 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Whenever I feel like giving up I get a little reminder of what is coming if I just wait and hang on tight...God, I am trying...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-11-2012, 06:24 PM
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#488 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Semi-windows for parts of the day today...symptoms went down by ~30%, but doing bad tonight
It's usually the opposite....nights are better than during the day...but not today...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-12-2012, 09:48 AM
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#489 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Aunt Flo is here (29 day cycle)...no wonder things got bad last night...after a decent day.
This morning woke up in extreme DR and DP. I felt as though my arms did not belong to me. They seemed alien...Haven't had this since acute w/d... Now I feel drunk and gone!
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-13-2012, 01:52 AM
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#490 |
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: California
Posts: 476
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Miriza, I am so happy you are having some windows. I read your agony as a mother and I grieve and hope with you!
Have you read IQuitPaxil's post "A must watch Video"? The video is about reseachers who are redirecting paths of the brain in those dx with mental illness and proving that the brain is "elastic" meaning changeable!! It is so awesome and documents a reason for all of us to believe we will and can heal 100%. I wish you many many more windows!!! aka Katie
__________________
1998-now 20mg Paxil 2008 Dif generic - poop out 2008-2012 brain zaps persist-mild. Mar'12 dif gen bedridden Apr'12 name-brand No relief 5-18-12 18mg liq Pax10% 6-13-12 16.8 5% better 7-20-12 16 7-23-12 16.8 antibiotics 8-4-12 16.4-2.5% Brassmonkey Slide 1 8-10-12 16- 2 9-3-12 15.6- 3 9-12-12 15.2 - 4 9-26-12 14.8 -1 10-16-12 14.4 -2 11-3-12 14 -3 11-13-12 13.6 -4 1-7-13 13.4 -1 1-20-13 13 -2 1-28-13 12.8 -3 2-6-13 12.4 -4 3-18-13 12 -1 |
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08-17-2012, 07:26 AM
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#491 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
God please bring me back....my love, my passion, my compassion...I want to feel goosebumps again when I hug my family....I want to get lost in their eyes, in their smile...
All I feel is bad and evil...fear, anger...my soul needs to be free God... I want my essence back, my soul....please God.... Honestly, I was one of the best people that I knew...not perfect but caring, loving, compassionate, empathetic, I put my heart and soul in everything I did (my job, house, family)....now I feel possessed by something evil that I cannot escape...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-18-2012, 07:19 AM
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#492 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Sometimes I do not know if I am touching the edge of normality or the edge of insanity. I just know that I am not my old self by a 1000 leagues...
This process is so confusing that one cannot really gage progress unless one crosses certain thresholds of healing (turns corners). I sometimes recognize some of the old me in certain moments but at other times I feel like the total opposite of me...My mind, thoughts and feelings are totally jumbled and contradictory...it is maddening...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-18-2012, 09:09 AM
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#493 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
I thought windows would get brighter/longer and waves shorter/milder...
Well, I now seem to have really bad days and decent days. It is like the bad ones are worse but the decent ones a little better...so so odd!!! I want off this rollercoaster God PLEASE! I want to control my thoughts and emotions, please God!
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-18-2012, 02:59 PM
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#494 | |
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So. CA
Posts: 904
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Quote:
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001 Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011 AD free for 5 mos. Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11 Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating 5mg. 2/15/12. 4mg. 2/27/12. 3mg. 3/7/12 2mg. 3/14/12 1mg. 3/21/12 Last dose 3/27/12 |
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08-18-2012, 05:06 PM
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#495 |
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So. CA
Posts: 904
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
P.S. I just went to Wal-Mart. Right there when you walk in was a McDonalds. It made me chuckle
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001 Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011 AD free for 5 mos. Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11 Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating 5mg. 2/15/12. 4mg. 2/27/12. 3mg. 3/7/12 2mg. 3/14/12 1mg. 3/21/12 Last dose 3/27/12 |
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08-19-2012, 07:05 AM
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#496 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
When does the horror end....when do I get my feelings, love, compassion back???
Since I had kids the only thing that mattered to me was being a good mom to them and a good wife to my husband, to raise them to be good human beings, to have joy and feel loved and secure, to enjoy the little things in life....but life has denied me of what I wanted most in my life...I cannot even connect to them, my beautiful babies...this is not fair to THEM...I suffer for them, not for me...I would gladly rot in this Hell if I did not have kids who depended on me for love and a sense of security...
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-21-2012, 06:47 AM
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#497 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
How is it possible to feel the worst things (anger, FEAR) for those we love the most? It is the cruelest thing ever!!!! Absolutely heartbreaking that my mind does not cooperate, that I feel like two completely opposite people AT THE SAME TIME! How is it possible???!!!
Like velveteengreen said: "the contradictiry emotions that arise simultaneously are maddening." I wish I could talk to her or to someone else going through the same. I feel so alone in this symptom....I feel like I have multiple personalities. I feel my old self, my soul, deep inside of me screaming that it wants to be FREE!
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-22-2012, 03:39 PM
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#498 |
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,566
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Where is my essence, my joy of life, my love, my strong ideals, my passion, my compassion??? Will they ever return???
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME! *Elavil: 75 mg -> 37.5 (12d) Imipramine: 37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia! 5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11) Now in w/d hell and missing my old self. Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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08-23-2012, 12:22 AM
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#499 |
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: California
Posts: 476
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
Your essence is here Miriza...posting loud and putting up a fight to survive!
We hear you! Just keep posting. aka Katie
__________________
1998-now 20mg Paxil 2008 Dif generic - poop out 2008-2012 brain zaps persist-mild. Mar'12 dif gen bedridden Apr'12 name-brand No relief 5-18-12 18mg liq Pax10% 6-13-12 16.8 5% better 7-20-12 16 7-23-12 16.8 antibiotics 8-4-12 16.4-2.5% Brassmonkey Slide 1 8-10-12 16- 2 9-3-12 15.6- 3 9-12-12 15.2 - 4 9-26-12 14.8 -1 10-16-12 14.4 -2 11-3-12 14 -3 11-13-12 13.6 -4 1-7-13 13.4 -1 1-20-13 13 -2 1-28-13 12.8 -3 2-6-13 12.4 -4 3-18-13 12 -1 |
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08-23-2012, 01:00 AM
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#500 |
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 492
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Re: Miriza's Journey back to herself
I am thinking of you, Miriza. You will be better!
__________________
25 mg Zoloft - Two weeks March 2011 50 mg - Five weeks Bad reaction, zombie Started to drop every 2-4 weeks: 37,5 mg - 25 mg - 12,5 mg - 25 mg - 18,75 mg - 12, 5mg BAD!  Aug 2011 Found PP, back to 18,75 mg End of 2011: 16,6 mg During 2012: 15,7 mg- 9,1mg 8,5 mg 4/1/13 8,2 mg 1/2/13 7,9 mg 1/3/13 7,6 mg 10/4/13 7,2 mg 1/5/13 MY JOURNAL |
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