Anxiety/depression and muscle memory?

[texgirl]

I know there aren't a lot of veterans around anymore, but would be interested in knowing if anybody who's been off meds for a while notices that they have recurrences of anxiety and/or depression around the same time every year? This is my sixth August in a row to be having a really challenging time. It's almost as if my body and brain recognize certain cues--weather, position of the sun, whatever--and fall into this pattern automatically. (Late August is also one of the busiest times for me at work, so that does factor into it.) It's like noticing you feel down and then realizing it's the anniversary of the death of a loved one; your body seems to retain the memory of the event even when you're not actively conscious of it. Just curious to know if others have experienced this.

[babs]

I definitely notice a difference as fall approaches. I'm fine through July and then in August I start noticing the angle of the sun changing and start feeling bummed. Some might call it SAD but I start feeling bad when there's still plenty of daylight and warmth. I think it's just the dread of what's coming, shorter days and colder temperatures.

[texgirl]

I don't think that's what mine is, though, Babs. I actually love fall and look forward to shorter, cooler days, the changing colors of the landscape (yes, we have that even in central Texas), and especially football. Summers are so brutal here that I try to stay indoors as much as possible, so by the time August rolls around I feel like I've been captive in my apartment or office for 4 months. On the other hand, I also lost two loved ones in the fall (5 and 9 years ago), and August is the anniversary of the end of my benzo taper, which while definitely something to celebrate was a rough time (5 years back). I can't help but wonder if those things get stored in the brain cells somehow and that visual cues of the season are enough to trigger them, affecting our moods even though the events that precipitated them are years past.

[Shiloh1]

I actally LIKE and am ready for fall and winter-I know that 's weird but I think here in California we still have the beautiful sun ALL the time so that may help-i'm NOT kidding-it NEVER rains here-it's actually pretty boring-LOL! I think you sort of have that reminder that you lost 2 people during this time years ago and you are changed by it....we used to live in Texas and I do miss the changing of the seasons....we are actually thinking of relocating to central TX-the Austin area-I am thinking this might be a good, new start for me and my family-how do you like it?

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by Shiloh1

we are actually thinking of relocating to central TX-the Austin area-I am thinking this might be a good, new start for me and my family-how do you like it?

Please don't move to Austin!

I'm kidding, of course. But: as one of the folks who's lived here for many years I'm dismayed at how rapidly the city is growing and how so many of the things we've always loved about the area are disappearing. We actually talk here about "the Californians," because a few years ago when the economy started tanking thousands of people from SoCal sold their houses and moved here when they discovered what $500K or a million dollars would buy compared with California. That, of course, drove up property values all over town, so now there's no such thing as affordable housing; those who aren't wealthy pretty much have to live in the suburbs north and south of town, and many elderly people who live in what were traditionally ethnic neighborhoods have been forced out of their homes by gentrification. I've lived for 10 years in one of the oldest neighborhoods in the city, and I hardly recognize it anymore as one by one the historic houses are being torn down and condos and McMansions go up in their place.

That said: Austin is still a place of great natural beauty, it's politically liberal in a conservative state, the economy is sturdy (low unemployment), and there's no shortage of activities for all interests, especially the arts, food/wine, and sports/fitness. On the downside, I already mentioned the killer summers. Last year we had 90+ days at over 100 degrees, a few weeks over 110. With the lack of rain, there were terrible wildfires last Labor Day. I've lived here all my life so I guess I should be used to it, but I have no doubt that it's gotten worse lately and is going to continue to do so. (I personally am trying to figure out how to relocate to someplace cooler and wetter; but in a summer when even Washington state is burning, I wonder if this is really feasible.) Of course everything is a trade-off; you just have to weigh the benefits against the drawbacks and see how it stacks up for you and your family.

[rangerNY]

This is a good thread (and I learned more about Austin than I ever thought I'd know).

We're not exactly Pavlov's dogs, but we do (generally) behave based on the cues we get from our environment. When certain cues present, its quite easy for the response to be anxiety and/or depression just because that's the response we've learned over time so it becomes automatic. I know I still wrestle with a similar issue in that my immediate reaction to stress has been anxiety/fear for so long, but I've been working on that and it is getting better with time. Thing is, when the cues come once a year (as in a change of seasons), you don't have much chance to practice changing your response, so it makes sense that the old patterns would hold sway.

This stuff is so interesting to me. A similar issue plagues people dealing with addictions like drinking and gambling and even smoking. I have friends that haven't smoked in many many years, yet still REALLY want a cigarette in certain situations. Our brains are so insanely impressive, yet so frustratingly primitive all at the same time.

[Bilo76]

I think it has more to do with hormones. The chinese have physical and mental conclusions from organs during the day and the year (like people with liver problems have more problems during 3-4 am etc). i wouldnt go that far but i think the hormones are every month in a different height like the ocean.

I will look it up for you if i can find some info.

[texgirl]

Two things about this that are really strange to me: (1) I seem to retain no memory of it from one year to the next, so when August arrives and it starts up again, I forget it happened last year and am completely blindsided and semi-freaked out (i.e, "I thought my anxiety was behind me, but I'm sliding backward"); and (2) since I have great CBT skills now, I know how to calm my mind, but my body symptoms seem to exist completely independently of my brain. So even though I don't (intelllectually) feel anxious, my body still acts like it's on the verge of a PA. I was driving in this state the other day and my leg was vibrating so hard I had to hold it in place with my hand to keep pressure on the gas pedal. (Oddly enough, the one thing that's different from past years is that I can sleep. Thank goodness for small favors.)

Oh, well. Now at least I've gone on record with this, so y'all can remind me about it next year when August rolls around.

[texgirl]

Oh yeah: I didn't even get into quantum physics and the concept that there's no such thing as linear time and everything is really happening simulaneously.

[rangerNY]

Originally Posted by texgirl

Oh yeah: I didn't even get into quantum physics and the concept that there's no such thing as linear time and everything is really happening simulaneously.

Or not happening. Or both.

[Bilo76]

That freaks me out.

Ps: isnt lance armstrong from Austin?

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by rangerNY

Or not happening. Or both.

Originally Posted by Bilo76

Ps: isnt lance armstrong from Austin?

He lives here. I think he grew up in the Dallas area.

[Mantaray]

Agree with this.
I get anxious every Sunday, when fall comes I get this love the season but dread the winter feeling. Same with smells I relate to previous anxious times. I smell the smell and my chest tightens up....

[starryskyze]

I feel this way right now too...mainly because I have a horrible memory of last year this very time because I had only been off Paxil one month and my daughter who is 9 now was starting school and was going to school crying every morning (totally out of character for her) complaining her stomach hurting but it was just her own anxiety over going to school I think mainly because she was worried about me because I was a basket case at that time....so now I'm trying to just say to myself...THAT WAS THEN and ITS ONLY A MEMORY THAT I'M AFRAID OF.....(lol! I got this from Claire Weekes book! I have been reading!) Still its very hard right now and I've been pretty anxious off and on the past few weeks. I even rearranged her furniture in her room around last night and instantly got a fear and horrible memory about how her room was like that last year at this time and remembered her feeling out of sorts and also of how I felt! Isn't that crazy?! ugh! I hate it. Still the smell of fall which I ABSOLUTELY love is reminding me of all of this garbage I went through and how I felt so bad last year. I just keep reading Claire's book over and over and it does help me to feel more positive but it's still so difficult and especially right now with pms going on!!! Also why is my pms so horrid after coming off paxil?! I NEVER had pms like this even before taking paxil and I'm also on the pill so what the heck?! ANyways I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I hope you feel better soon as well as everyone else.

[Lovesthebeach]

I agree with Drew-interesting thread!

Tex Girl-I have wondered the same thing;I have been dealing with hormone related anxiety for 12 years. (Paxil Free for almost a year trying to wean off Prozac and working on being a Claire Weekes disciple!) It was about this time of year that I started having problems; it seems like if I am going to have anxiety issues, tends to be around this time of year. I do love Fall, especially here in the midwest with all the leaves changing color, football season is upon us...not really had anything happen that I can think of that might "trigger" a subconscious memory. Interesting and weird all at the same time : )

[LCrawford67]

For two years after Paxil, every April, I went through a period of horrible anxiety. April is when I was in horrid w/d and even though the last 2 Aprils have been much better, I still have a sense sense of dread as the month draws near.

[aberdeen]

I have a few times of year that wig me out. Sundays do it because it might be a reminder of back to work/school angst. Fall because I probably had enough Septembers of new schools and new teacher angst to wire my mind to dread that (I remember the first time a Septemeber came with NO changes, I was out of school and working full time so when Sept came, it just rolled on by. I also didn't have kids yet, so *they* weren't going back to school...it was so awesome and weird, and very little anxiety). I have always been like this though. I'm thinking it's not all that abnormal afterall. I try nnot to think about time of year and w/d anxiety though...I felt like crap for each month at some point or another...gotta erase that one.

[Irishwill]

Yes late August is always anxiety provoking for me but an exciting anxiety, reminds me of when school would start and a new school year was coming, fresh clothes and books, first day of school I was always nervous/excited. Dec. 20th is when I got my first panic attack as all this started 12 years ago, so every December 20th I do something fun, and just let it be. August 24th of last year was when I went into w/d and his year it caused a lot of sadness and anger, remember how well and "normal" I felt right before that time last year, but in the future I will use it as another excuse to celebrate my resiliency and the fact everything happens for a reason, there's a "bigger" picture

[Timinjapan]

I think when something traumatic or very painful grips us, we retain an emotional memory of the experience that includes where and when it happened. Our memories are packed with all sorts of associations that we may not be consciously aware of. When we go back to a place where we previously experienced something particularly painful, this often triggers memories of the strong feelings we had there. Likewise, when we come around to the a certain time of year, or smell a certain scent or see a certain flower in bloom, we may remember the painful feelings we had at that time in a previous year.

That's why Billie Holiday could sing:
I get along without you very well, of course, I do
Except perhaps in spring
But I should never think of spring
For that would surely break my heart in two

And remember Frodo Baggins, who after his encounter with the Nazgul who stabbed him on the hill called Weathertop in Lord of the Rings, continued to suffer from the pain of the wound, which would flare up on the anniversary of the event. This makes me wonder whether Tolkien himself suffered particularly badly at a certain time of year, perhaps on account of his experiences during the First World War. He was certainly aware that people commonly have these seasonal experiences when the past comes back to life and gives them a painful reminder of something they'd rather forget..