North, south, east and west life is colourless

luc · 11-05-2009, 12:59 PM

I have this strange thing going on. It is really difficult to put into words, so weird it is. If I remember correctly, one such symptom was on the list of 100 Paxil symptoms. It is very conspicuous now (I'm close to 11 months from Paxil c/t). I have this constant urge for a change/changes in my life, in my thinking, in my job. Basically everything. I guess, it must have sth to do with the very fact that finding hardly any real pleasure in anything (anhedonia), the brain tries to look for sth that would potentially be nice/pleasant/entartaining and would bring physical/emotional satisfaction. Not finding one, it's in the "search mode" the whole time.

Never had this prior to Paxil. Any of you experiencing anything like that? Thanks for your opinions.

If I'm the only who has it, I'm surely doomed.

carolyn · 11-05-2009, 01:02 PM

Oh man, I think that's really common. Constant brain scanning/searching is absolutely ubiquitous (that's the root of health anxiety too).

I think a lot of it is just normal in general, though. I know a lot of people who do this who never took SSRIs.

LCrawford67 · 11-05-2009, 01:15 PM

It could also be because you really are looking for something different post Paxil. You're not the same person you were while on the drug and maybe, the same things that you liked then (or were content with) aren't the same things you like now.

luc · 11-05-2009, 01:43 PM

Carolyn, LCrawford67, you might be right to an extent here. Still, it seems like I have developed some severe case of "grasshoppery"; I try reading a book, then try watching TV, then going back to reading again or doing some physical exercises, but none of them brings me any pleasure. The same with work. Doesn't matter what I do, it's like a flatline in my heart. Most of the time I spent on thinking "what to change?" Though it's very difficult, I still appreciate the fact that it's better now than it was some months ago.

Step by step it will get better. Thanks for sharing your ideas!

pboy · 11-05-2009, 03:53 PM

I can relate somewhat. Ive had periods of being like that in the past (and recently actually) which I believe may have been connected to my previous SSRI use.

I guess because you cant find satisfaction, youre gonna keep looking. Maybe when things return to normal, your brain will settle and enjoy things more, and learn to let go?

It could be that due to lack of emotional satisfaction, logic has taken over.

guitar77 · 11-05-2009, 05:48 PM

It's normal. Not fun, but typical the period after an SSRI withdrawal. I find myself constantly saying "What's the point?" when I'm doing most anything right now. It is slowly getting better, though.

It's part of the anhedonia spectrum, and part of depression. SSRIs mess with the receptors and bits of our brain that give us drive, purpose and pleasure out of doing, even things which seem pointless. Give it time to heal, and keep doing the things you used to like as part of re-training.

Songbird · 11-05-2009, 08:10 PM

I actually felt like this on full dose of Paxil, I feel that it is part of the emotional blunting, and probably something to do with dopamine balance.

I remember at various times wanting to change careers, sell our house and buy a new one, move to a new area, etc. I didn't actually do any of those things, but I felt a strong desire to. I figured out that really I just wanted to change something, and that if I did, say, move house, eventually the novelty would wear off and then I'd feel the need to change something again.

I think guitar77's explanation is right, and I think the "bits of our brain that give us drive, purpose and pleasure" are dopamine-related.

luc · 11-06-2009, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitar77

I find myself constantly saying "What's the point?" when I'm doing most anything right now.

That's what it feels like, indeed.

luc · 11-06-2009, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Songbird

I remember at various times wanting to change careers, sell our house and buy a new one, move to a new area, etc. I didn't actually do any of those things, but I felt a strong desire to.

Yes, the same here.

luc · 11-06-2009, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pboy

It could be that due to lack of emotional satisfaction, logic has taken over.

100% true.

gsWade3 · 11-06-2009, 06:01 PM

I have been struggling with this exact feeling you describe for years now. For a long time I would frustratedly and bitterly continue to try doing the things I once loved only to be disappointed because of my inability to pay attention or get any joy from them. Ultimately logic took over and I began to just give up on those activities, with the hope that I would one day recover my ability to enjoy them. Not forcing it and accepting improvements when they come has been the most effective and manageable strategy for me, and things are finally starting to get better 19 months off the poison.

luc · 11-07-2009, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gsWade3

Not forcing it and accepting improvements when they come has been the most effective and manageable strategy for me, and things are finally starting to get better 19 months off the poison.

This sentence is especially important, gsWade3. Thanks for this!

Cosette123 · 11-07-2009, 02:16 AM

I start feeling better after 18 months off Paxil (Cold turkey):I can enjoy again some things I liked to do before.
For example yesterday I went to a chinese restaurant with a friend and I ate with appetite and was happy for that.
They are only little things but I think it is the beginning of the healing.I do hope!

luc · 11-07-2009, 02:35 AM

Hey, Cossette. Just ate 2 sandwiches for breakfast. They didn't taste too good, though before the withdrawal and, of course, before Paxil I LOVED the taste of bread. 1.5 month still to my reaching one year off. By the way, what did you eat in a restaurant?

pboy · 11-07-2009, 04:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cosette123

I start feeling better after 18 months off Paxil (Cold turkey):I can enjoy again some things I liked to do before.
For example yesterday I went to a chinese restaurant with a friend and I ate with appetite and was happy for that.
They are only little things but I think it is the beginning of the healing.I do hope!

Aww that's great!!

I hope things continue to get better for you.

scotia21 · 11-07-2009, 06:01 AM

I had a constant need for change when I was on Paxil. I do believe that it has a lot to do with a combination of the inflated ego (I can do anything that I want to and don't care what anybody has to say about it), the emotional blunting (Nothing feels good to me so I need to find something that days), and the lack of impulse control (I want to feel something and I want to feel it now). I have every reason to believe that this feeling that you are having will get better in time. Patience is the hardest part of all of this but sooooooo important. Just spend some time in the here and now and don't expect to solve all of the issues today. The changes will come in time and time is the only thing that really makes all of this better.

11-05-2009, 12:59 PM	#1
luc Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Europe Posts: 158	North, south, east and west life is colourless I have this strange thing going on. It is really difficult to put into words, so weird it is. If I remember correctly, one such symptom was on the list of 100 Paxil symptoms. It is very conspicuous now (I'm close to 11 months from Paxil c/t). I have this constant urge for a change/changes in my life, in my thinking, in my job. Basically everything. I guess, it must have sth to do with the very fact that finding hardly any real pleasure in anything (anhedonia), the brain tries to look for sth that would potentially be nice/pleasant/entartaining and would bring physical/emotional satisfaction. Not finding one, it's in the "search mode" the whole time. Never had this prior to Paxil. Any of you experiencing anything like that? Thanks for your opinions. If I'm the only who has it, I'm surely doomed. __________________ 2001-2008: 40mg Paxil+1mg Xanax Xanax c/t in July 2008 Paxil c/t December 2008 Waves and windows pattern. When in a wave: "Why is it taking so long?!" When in a window: "It's been improving, NO DOUBT! "Patience is passion tamed"

11-05-2009, 01:02 PM	#2
carolyn Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 3,105	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless Oh man, I think that's really common. Constant brain scanning/searching is absolutely ubiquitous (that's the root of health anxiety too). I think a lot of it is just normal in general, though. I know a lot of people who do this who never took SSRIs. __________________ 10mg: 5/02 - 8/07 for panic disorder 20mg: 8/07 - 8/08 CBT: 8/07 - 2/08. Recommended! 1 unsuccessful taper in 7/08; went back to 20mg 2008: 8/2: 18.75mg 8/24: 17.25mg 9/28: 16.10mg 10/19: 15mg 11/9: 13.75mg 11/30: 12.5mg 12/21: 11.25mg 2009: 1/11: 10.6mg 2/1: 10mg 2/22: 9.4mg 3/6: 9.2mg (liquid) 3/29: 8.4mg 4/19: 7.6mg 5/10: 6.8mg 5/31: 6.2mg 6/21: 5.6mg 7/12: 5.1mg 8/2: 4.8mg 8/23: 4.4mg 9/13: 4mg 10/4: 3.7mg 10/25: 3.4mg 11/15: 3.1mg

11-05-2009, 01:15 PM	#3
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 26,493	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless It could also be because you really are looking for something different post Paxil. You're not the same person you were while on the drug and maybe, the same things that you liked then (or were content with) aren't the same things you like now. __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~Kevin James

11-05-2009, 01:43 PM	#4
luc Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Europe Posts: 158	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless Carolyn, LCrawford67, you might be right to an extent here. Still, it seems like I have developed some severe case of "grasshoppery"; I try reading a book, then try watching TV, then going back to reading again or doing some physical exercises, but none of them brings me any pleasure. The same with work. Doesn't matter what I do, it's like a flatline in my heart. Most of the time I spent on thinking "what to change?" Though it's very difficult, I still appreciate the fact that it's better now than it was some months ago. Step by step it will get better. Thanks for sharing your ideas! __________________ 2001-2008: 40mg Paxil+1mg Xanax Xanax c/t in July 2008 Paxil c/t December 2008 Waves and windows pattern. When in a wave: "Why is it taking so long?!" When in a window: "It's been improving, NO DOUBT! "Patience is passion tamed"

11-05-2009, 03:53 PM	#5
pboy Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: UK Posts: 304	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless I can relate somewhat. Ive had periods of being like that in the past (and recently actually) which I believe may have been connected to my previous SSRI use. I guess because you cant find satisfaction, youre gonna keep looking. Maybe when things return to normal, your brain will settle and enjoy things more, and learn to let go? It could be that due to lack of emotional satisfaction, logic has taken over. __________________ On Lexapro for about 2 months & cold-turkeyed. Had withdrawal so re-instated. Started chopping tablets. Then crushing into juice. 5mg (3 weeks until stabilized) then chopping so unsure how much (2.5 weeks) 4.4mg (4 weeks) 4.2mg (3.5 weeks) Now at 3.8mg. I am going to get past this and appreciate life!!

11-05-2009, 05:48 PM	#6
guitar77 Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Colorado Posts: 363	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless It's normal. Not fun, but typical the period after an SSRI withdrawal. I find myself constantly saying "What's the point?" when I'm doing most anything right now. It is slowly getting better, though. It's part of the anhedonia spectrum, and part of depression. SSRIs mess with the receptors and bits of our brain that give us drive, purpose and pleasure out of doing, even things which seem pointless. Give it time to heal, and keep doing the things you used to like as part of re-training. __________________ Only taking magnesium and vitamin D.

11-05-2009, 08:10 PM	#7
Songbird Join Date: May 2007 Location: New Zealand Posts: 7,046	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless I actually felt like this on full dose of Paxil, I feel that it is part of the emotional blunting, and probably something to do with dopamine balance. I remember at various times wanting to change careers, sell our house and buy a new one, move to a new area, etc. I didn't actually do any of those things, but I felt a strong desire to. I figured out that really I just wanted to change something, and that if I did, say, move house, eventually the novelty would wear off and then I'd feel the need to change something again. I think guitar77's explanation is right, and I think the "bits of our brain that give us drive, purpose and pleasure" are dopamine-related. __________________ Jul 01-Feb 02 Aropax Feb - Dec 03 Citalopram Jul 04 Aropax Jan 07 - Feb 08 20mg - 5mg Apr 4.5mg 5mg Jun 10mg zopiclone > seroquel Jul 20mg Aug + methionine Oct aropax > loxamine Dec off seroquel 7 Dec 17.5mg 30 Dec 15mg 24 Jan 12.5mg 16 Feb 10mg 10 May 9mg 30 May 8mg 5 July 7.5mg 2 Aug 7.25mg 1 Sep 7mg 9 Oct 6.75mg 8 Nov 6.5mg Appreciation is the antidote to stress - Trust is the antidote to fear

11-06-2009, 06:01 PM	#11
gsWade3 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: DC Posts: 158	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless I have been struggling with this exact feeling you describe for years now. For a long time I would frustratedly and bitterly continue to try doing the things I once loved only to be disappointed because of my inability to pay attention or get any joy from them. Ultimately logic took over and I began to just give up on those activities, with the hope that I would one day recover my ability to enjoy them. Not forcing it and accepting improvements when they come has been the most effective and manageable strategy for me, and things are finally starting to get better 19 months off the poison. __________________ 2002-2003 Age 12: Zoloft for clinical depression/undiagnosed muscle pain 2003- Sept 2005: Effexor followed by d/c and terrible anxiety, went back on Oct 05-March 06: Effexor 150mg March 06-Jan 08: Zoloft March 08-Present: No Zoloft after quick taper 17.5 months off Unresolved problems: Blunted emotions--25-30% better Cognitive problems--word retrieval, speech, etc. Anxiety--50% improvement Terrible sleep

11-07-2009, 02:16 AM	#13
Cosette123 Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: France Posts: 135	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless I start feeling better after 18 months off Paxil (Cold turkey):I can enjoy again some things I liked to do before. For example yesterday I went to a chinese restaurant with a friend and I ate with appetite and was happy for that. They are only little things but I think it is the beginning of the healing.I do hope! __________________ Deroxat (=Paxil) during 10 years. Three unsuccessful atempts to quit. Deroxat free since may 2008 but Cold turkey withdrawal was horrific... Better days are coming slowly!

11-07-2009, 02:35 AM	#14
luc Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Europe Posts: 158	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless Hey, Cossette. Just ate 2 sandwiches for breakfast. They didn't taste too good, though before the withdrawal and, of course, before Paxil I LOVED the taste of bread. 1.5 month still to my reaching one year off. By the way, what did you eat in a restaurant? __________________ 2001-2008: 40mg Paxil+1mg Xanax Xanax c/t in July 2008 Paxil c/t December 2008 Waves and windows pattern. When in a wave: "Why is it taking so long?!" When in a window: "It's been improving, NO DOUBT! "Patience is passion tamed"

11-07-2009, 06:01 AM	#16
scotia21 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 5,419	Re: North, south, east and west life is colourless I had a constant need for change when I was on Paxil. I do believe that it has a lot to do with a combination of the inflated ego (I can do anything that I want to and don't care what anybody has to say about it), the emotional blunting (Nothing feels good to me so I need to find something that days), and the lack of impulse control (I want to feel something and I want to feel it now). I have every reason to believe that this feeling that you are having will get better in time. Patience is the hardest part of all of this but sooooooo important. Just spend some time in the here and now and don't expect to solve all of the issues today. The changes will come in time and time is the only thing that really makes all of this better. __________________ 1/05/07 20mg-17.5 1/20 17.5-15 2/24 15-12.5 3/08 12.5-10 3/29 10-7.5 4/12 7.5-5 6/15 5-3.75 6/30 3.75-2.5 7/28 2.5-1.5ish 8/11 1.5-1 8/25 1- zero "Keep lighting candles, eventually nobody will be in the dark" me "Why is it so hard for everybody to believe that a pill can change brain chemistry for the better but not for the worse?" me "Time does not come in pill form" me

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