Bilopedia

[julieannboo]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

I started to get a lot of anxiety and panic again. Like paxil didnt work for me no more. Doc suggested a CT switch to lexapro saying it will be a better med for me and that a switch between ssris can be immediate. Well it cant after this many years on paxil.

Your doc as you now know was wrong.
I am the same as you as it stopped working and the health anxiety was miserable. this was 3 years ago. I didnt know what it was. Until i came to this great forum and everything clicked into place.
Now i dont trust any doctors. always good to question things. I wish that i and my parents would have asked questions before i started taking paxil 15 years ago.
Hope you feel better soon xxx

[Bilo76]

Pffff what a horrible day again. Crushing depression in the morning like i dont wanna live no more, that lifts later in the morning and gets to burning nerves like i am in boiling water. Later in the afternoon i have panic attacks and in the evening i am tired and am so afraid of my own death. I keep thinking about death and it hurts me.

One part of me screams that i should get back on the paxil and end this suffering cause it will never end. Another part screams that i would be an idiot if i reinstated a drug that i pooped out on 7 months ago. Its choosing between the gallows and the guillotine.

One thing i learned from myself;..my main problem is not anxiety. Thats a symptom. My main problem is that all my life i wanted myself miserable. I feel anxious when i am in happy situations or when i have something truly valuable like love. I get a lot of panic then. And now again in this hell wd that is beyond measurements if i only think how it would be if i was better, my whole mind and body shivers and wants to stay in this hell. Its multiplied in WD but even now i can not do the things that are good for me like walking, reading, keeping my house clean, relax exercises. A big part of me wants to stay in this hell and i get physicaly sick by doing something that helps me.
That really demotivates me and makes me cry cause i am my own worse enemy. But i just have to keep faith that the brain will recover from WD even if my subconscious doesnt want to. If i cut myself in my finger and think 'please stay open wound', it will close anyway.

But once i am a bit stable again i GOT to find out why i fear being happy so much. 35 years of choosing the painful path. CBT has a shortcoming there;..it cant help me find this out. But either a psychoanalyst or a hypnotherapist or i dont care even a scandinavian goathball licking doctor will help me find the root of this.

[Brassmonkey]

Bilo--congratulations on the break through, that is a great thing to figure out and will diffinatly help in getting back on track.

[Backtopaxil]

Bilo,

You are suffering from "Paralysis of Analysis". You over-analyze things too much.

Maybe you want to be med free but at this time meds could the thing that you need to get you stable.

You have to decide what you need to get you going and stick with it. Best of luck with your decision.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by Backtopaxil

Bilo,

You are suffering from "Paralysis of Analysis". You over-analyze things too much.

Maybe you want to be med free but at this time meds could the thing that you need to get you stable.

You have to decide what you need to get you going and stick with it. Best of luck with your decision.

I 100% agree i over-analyze things to much george. The problem is that i dont see a route in which i have faith. So i have to choose between lesser evils and thats always a hard thing to do. And people give me a cliche like you (i dont mean this hurtful) "you have to decide what you need to get you going". Well the prob is nobody including myself knows. Or i heard today from my familydoctor "pick the AD that is best for you". Hahah it are such a cliches and its just not that easy.
I think i need meds,..so thats step 1. Cause again today was hell and i had to call my mom to babysit me cause i was thinking of suicide to much. And also my brain was in such a scared mode i thought i lost it....i felt screaming inside my head. So took 10 mg oxazepam (first time since a long time).
But i think i need meds. But then the question is;..going back to paxil or try a new different ssri. On one hand another ssri wont stop the paxil WD but will give me more stability (but it can go also badly like it did with lexapro). PAxil will stop the WD but i will be getting on a drug that gave me serious hell in the end.Why should it be any better now.

i really hope you see why this is so difficult for me and why this choice is so hard to make George. There is NOBODY on this forum who has done an RI after a poopout. What would you do, george? I have to make a decision this monday.

[Backtopaxil]

What I would do? I would try Paxil, like I did In my case it worked even the second and third time.

Unfortunately Paxil came back with new symptoms, not sure if my body rejected it or just could not adjust anymore. But I tried it.

Give it 8 weeks and see if this improves. Give it a decent dosage to see if you feel a change and if you do, then you are on track, just may need some twitching.

As far as poopout, I talked to my psyc and he says that the TCA people take them indefinitely. And we are talking 30 years and so on. Just that SSRi dont have a long history yet. But shou;ld be the same. And some of the poop-out talk is just symptoms coming back and then you raise the dosage or augment it. I disagree with some of it, but that is another story.

Forget about the tapering thing for now. Concentrate on getting well and stabilizing for a while. We want you to come back with a success story. And success is that, feeling good and living your life. And if it means meds, so be it.

PS I am getting of this crap, and hope to be OK and med free, I mean I have minimal depression ( < 5%) and some anxiety ( can sweep it off). I hope to ride it out and be OK. Not sure what to expect when I am free. But I will be open to all alternatives.

[Bilo76]

I am still holding in without reinstatement, but things are harder every day. My parents are a week on holliday. My mom didnt want to but i made her go. Because she needs the break. Why should we all suffer cause of my problem. But now i am all alone all day. I dont see anybody and i try to get out to the store and walking etc,..but its hard.
So incredible much tension and anxiety in my mind. If 2 people talk to me in a store i feel like i am losing it,..like somebody is screaming in my mind. All day long burning nerves, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. Its incredible.

Every day is hell. I try to avoid the path where i am heading now, which is talking to nobody and not leaving the house at all. I try to kick myself out of the house,..but with this much anxiety and chronic hyperventilating its very hard.

I spoken to a doctor and he also said (psychiatrist nr 4 i have spoken since a year) that i need meds. He said that some people need meds for the rest of their lives and i was one of them with this huge anxiety disorder. A big part of my thinks that he is right. Well maybe i dont need meds for life but no way i am gonna make the next year without them. I am a screaming lunatic. And this has been going on for a year now. I am scared that i am doing permanent damage to my body and brain with this much hell. I have so much symptoms and wish i was death. This much anxiety and depression 24/7 and no sport/friends/work/family just pain and pain and pain. Nerves burning, stomach hurting. Not even able to watch a cartoon on tv cause it scares me.

But also a part of me is so hoping that one day i wake up and its all a bit less. All though i know i have a pretty bad anxiety disorder and its hard to distinguish where the WD stops and my original problem begins.
But when i start paxil now,...even if its such a long shot to reinstate after a poopout,..but lets say it works.....i would feel likle the past months of pure hell (you have no idea) were for nothing.

[Bilo76]

Lets give this blog a different spin.
I am gonna practice the treatment/theory/advices of dr claire weekes and i will post my findings here.

Today was the first day. She has 4 tapes. I listend to nr 1 and 2 uptill now. Those are very informative. I am having a badddd couple of days but i went to the store today anyway to practice. All things considered it went fine. I put the mp3 of Weekes on my phone and listened to it while in the store. Perhaps not polite but ok.
I heard what she said about accepting. Thats the key....accept, accept, accept, accept, accept, accept the symptoms and the way i feel. No "what if's" or "this will get worse".

It was hard to accept. I am not ready yet. What i tried was to soften and relax my body as good as possible and try to let the thoughts and feelings just pass by.

Dr Weekes said that accepting is not the same as grin-teething allowing or tolerating. Tolerating is different from acceptance. I am still tolerating. But its better then fighting the symptoms.

This will take time and my CHV and my WD makes it much harder cause i am so depressed. And i have this much DP. So i keep thinking "i am gonna die anyway, whats the point"...and i am so scared of my own death. I keep feeling the adrenalin bursts all day. But i am trying to just stop fighting it.
I will have difficult paths ahead and i will often think i wont make it. But now i try to just think "this will happen when it will happen, dont fight it, accept". I have social anxiety, GAD and extreme agoraphobia by nature. Combined with extreme WD and CHV this is hard,..but i am trying to turn a different road. No more complaining, fighting, anger,..but trying to accept.
I hope i am strong enough. I have much underlying issues as i explained 6 posts above. And i keep hearing the voice in my head that i wont make it, that i am weak, that i dont deserve it and i am very very afraid of a future of myself in which i am happy. Cause it can all be taken away.
Still i listen to dr claire weeks and even accept these voices. Still i try to move on.

Starting today i am trying a different path. I dont think i believe in god guys, still i hope you will pray for me.

[Brassmonkey]

YEA Bilo, sounds like you took a big first step of your new journey and it worked out well.

[rose32]

Bilo76

I think you made a smart decision !!!!!!!!!!

This is a process and it takes time, good for you Dr Weeks has some really good advice.

Wishing you the best.

Rose32

[Bilo76]

Thanks guys

[Delta]

Hi Bilo!
I'm a fan of yoursfromPortugal. we havethe same age and share the same experience with Paxil. This is my first post here. Ihope we will be in contact in the future. Keep figting