Panic

[Believer]

This is day 7 for me from dropping from 15 to 10mg and the first side of side effects. I thought maybe I was going to avoid it, but no such luck. I woke up with my heart racing, feeling panicky, scared (of who knows what?), angry. I took all my stuff from my boyfriends house and told him I couldn't see him anymore (why?) I make such drastic moves when I am in this state. I'm pacing around my classroom, watching the clock. Kids are going to come in less than 30 minutes and I am supposed to teach them - yeah right..... Trying not to start crying here at school because I know I will never stop. I can't take the day off because I am out of sick days, I actually am getting docked this month because I went over my limit due to this ****. WHY????? I would love to get in my car and just drive......... With so much good in my life why can't I be happy about it?

[lsauvage]

Take some deep breaths and remember that it will pass. Every minute that goes by is one more minute closer to freedom from this drug. You'll make it.

[Suze]

Believer, my heart goes out to you. Day 7--yep, tough one. I did a drop from 20 to 10 before I found PP. Hell, I found PP because I was looking for information to give my husband , not myself!! Thought I had it all goin on and I'd just give him a little info, you know, just in case . It all busted up for me very shortly after...

I think you are approaching the time when it all hit the fan for me and I experienced deep, intense, agonizing rage. It truly scared the shyte out of me and I felt permanently exquisitely damaged.

But I came back! Lived to tell about it, and have lived through 2 more tapers, and will continue to live through 2 more.

You will too.

I'm wondering if you left your partner because of intense feelings of worthlessness, ie I feel like such a piece of poo no one would want me and so I better sabotage any joy in my life because I'm so worthless......I'll leave before he leaves....does that sound familiar?

Please...don't do anything to sabotage your support, your right to joy, in these moments. You are in the very heat of this taper. These symptoms are not permanent, but ARE a way of getting you from here to there, one step--one breath--at a time.

It truly will pass. You are so NOT worthless. You are NOT the symptoms.

All the beauty and grace and joy of who you REALLY are is still intact, but temporarily in-hiding, so to speak. Two more days til the weekend, when you can rest and revive and reclaim yourself.

Thinking of you, sharing your pain, sending you love.

xxoo suze

[Believer]

It's funny you wrote that. It is exactly what I told him. "You deserve someone better, someone who feels sane, someone who doesn't cry all the time....." It seems like anything that could possibly bring me joy right now I am quick to destroy. I hate dragging him through this with me. I keep thinking how weak he must think I am. I wish I could be strong and independent and not so "needy" right now. My first class is just finishing up, I let them play some games, told them I wasn't feeling so great and they've been pretty good. Thanks for the support - I don't know if I could make it through days like these without the love and support of people like you!

[SuSu]

Maybe something's going on, Believer...check out my journal entry this morning:

I quit taking the evil pill from Satan's bowels a week ago Tuesday, so however many days that is, this is today's update:

Awoke by being startled from my dreams..very scary feeling...reminds me of the day I awoke in a severe panic attack before school WHILE on 10 mg of this sh1te!

Felt impending doom surrounding me, like a gigantic crusher closing in all around...lots of fear and freeze, but no flight or fight response in sight...all I could think was fear, fear, fear, until finally got jolted out of that by performance of morning ablutions...

Right around the time I stepped outside for first ciggie, I recognized the beast for what it was, and immediately fell upon asking God to relieve me of these feelings and to restore my brain to the way he originally intended, and to please give me the strength and the tools necessary to help make this so....

Feel very happy that God doesn't seem to mind me talking to him in disheveled and disrespectful state of falling directly from hell into his loving hands.

And Thank God it didn't take too long to remember that's what was really going on...kept telling myself This too shall pass, mixed with feelings of When is this gonna end?...very opposed mixed messages to send to brain.

Having had this experience of feeling the way I did upon first awaking this morning, am very grateful for prior experience of having awakened that morning in October 2002 without a clue as to what was happening.

Even though the last such experience caused me to lose a career that clearly suits me, at least now the pieces of this journey through the bowels of hell's sewers are starting to fit

Am now facing another day of wait and see what happens, remembering this moment to affix tool box of helpful coping skills to side, and, taking God's hand, stepping into light of day...



This is no joke a really ineffably difficult thing to have to endure...God bless you, believer!!!

[Suze]

yep, that's what I thought. It takes one to know one, and I think I kinda know you. Or know your spirit or however you want to put it.

You are putting a lot of thoughts into his head. You are allowing the paxhell to speak for you, to decide what he is thinking, and to make decisions as to what is best for him. Ya, I know. It takes one to know one.

Try to remember: you are not dragging him through this with you. He is an adult and extremely capable of making good decisions for himself. Like sticking beside the woman he loves because he wants to.

Even when we cannot see our own beauty, those who love us can and do. SEE your beauty reflected in the eyes of your children. SEE your beauty in the eyes of your beloved. KNOW that your intense beauty has not left you. It's there. And will always be there.

Please don't let paxhell EVER try to tell you something different.

Stay real real close. xxoo

[Suze]

"the evil pill from satan's bowel"--wow, grrrl, you sure said it there.
sure do love you SuGrl#1! (pm-ing you now) xxoo

[colomom]

Morning Believer....

Sending you some hugs and spirit support. I really feel for you having to teach kids during WD, that must be tough. Be as busy as you can be but don't forget to breathe....hang in there.

BTW, I hope you have encouraged your boyfriend to come on this site and read. My husband learned alot about WD and his tolerance of my craziness was greatly increased. People don't realize that it is p-crud that makes us act nutz.

Have you started mag and fish oil yet? We will be here for you so just holler!

Peace!

[Believer]

I'm sitting here crying, was supposed to pick up my class of kids 10 minutes ago. Am in a totaly state of panic, feeling smothered, my head is pounding and heart racing. You guys know how it is - I'm listening to the sounds of kids out in the school and am amazed that the world just keeps going on around me while I sit here paralyzed with fear.

Just talked to my boyfriend. He swears he is sticking by me in this, knows that it is the paxil and not me - I wish I could believe it. I still fear that at the end of this process, he will leave me because of my weaknesses (as did my exhusband of 12 years) and I will be alone and hurting again. Wish I could face fear when it happens instead of predicting it and fearing it now. I talk alot about you guys and this site but I've never had him read it. Guess I should and maybe that would help.

As for the magnesium, I just started yesterday with 250 mg. Should I up that today? Is it OK to take the same time as my fish oil? I've been taking one capsule of fish oil twice daily - should I try more of that too?

Ok - I'm going to go wash my face, and try to get my class. (I teach gifted and talented kids and travel to four different buildings - thank goodness I have some flexibility - if I were in a regular classroom right now I would be fired!)

Sorry for the rambling and once again thanks for the help. I know today is going to be a long one - I'm glad I have this place to land as I'm falling.

Jen

[Suze]

Ah, and Believer has a name! It does help me connect a little better when I know this is You, Jen. ((hugs))

I sure understand what you say about talking about the people on here. Honestly, you all are the last people I think of before sleeping and the first people I think of when waking. I've said it before but if someone would have told me 3 months ago that I would have 'cyber-friends' I woulda laughed them out of my house.

Now I depend upon these incredible people. 'Cyber-friends' now sounds like a very condescending term. These are real people with real pain and respond with such incredible support and love....it truly blows me away.

I hope that this will be the last time you ever say sorry for expressing yourself. The way you express yourself makes ME feel a little more normal.

Hugs girl!!!

[MizzT]

hi Believer.
i havent read every word of this thread....so excuse me if i misspeak.
Glad your bf is sticking by you. I just looked at you and your bradybunch family. He's a cutie! and sounds like a good man. So dont let paxil freak you and make you do silly things. I know i have tried to leave my hubby....but its just the crug talkin'

Yes...its ok to take the mag and fish oil together. and yes you can double your mag dose....even triple it as long as you dont have the runs.

take care of you and hang in there. this is a HUGE challenge and you will make it! maybe make smaller cuts in the dose from here on down??

peace

[gizmo55]

Do not reject any support now. And if your boyfriend is willin to hold you, allow him. Your past story is in the past, it no longer exists. Here and now you have so many helping hands. Take them all.

Big Hug Jen. My heart too goes out to you.

[Homerbcool]

Jen

This is not you, this is the devil himself trying to hold on to your mind...tell him to eff off...you are a good person and derserve good things..

The devil is clouding your minds eye..he is putting up mazes of fences to keep you from finding the core of your being...the being that was you before p-crud took over...

We are at the top of the food chain for a reason...because we have working minds that can put words and thoughts into action, sometimes it may seem impossible and it is not an easy thing to do...but keep telling yourself that you are a good person, you deserve to feel good...tear down those fences ONE AT A TIME..

Tell the devil to eff off...keep telling yourself you are in control and not him...do not give him strength by believing his words...

Step up and become the you that is you...loving, caring, all the resaons you probably became a teacher in the first place....not an easy road, but a road that has to be taken to beat the devil to a pulp...and yes, we are all here for you, we have been in this mode, and came out a stronger better person...store this experience and how you beat it for the next time....but you will win, no doubt about it, you will win...

Do not feel guilt over any of this..it is one of the devls fences...do not feel shame...it is another fence....do beleive your boyfriend and hang on to him, perhaps from a distance but hang on...

[Caroline49]

Hey Believer, Jen. I've been so busy trying to type and somehow missed your thread this a.m.
Please know that it IS the paxil talking. Your boyfriend is not feeling the same feelings you are right now. Thank God for that. ALL of your fears are a direct result of paxil withdrawal.
Now, I also know that no matter what anyone says you are still going to feel like s***! No matter what is said. It does help to know there are others suffering just like you are.
You have some heavy responsibility on you right now. You are teaching children. That alone is scary to me. I have managed to stay cloistered the past 6 weeks and you cannot. I think you need to taper a bit slower. If you didn't have those beautiful children and a job then it wouldn't be as big a deal.
We will all be here for you any time you need us. Rant and rave as much as you can. That helps!!
I take my fish oil and magnesium together each a.m. Something is finally beginning to help me. It is probably a combination of the supplements and time and paxilprogress friends.
Hang in there and know you are being thought of with good positive energy!!

[Homerbcool]

I find sometimes, that if I sit and "wallow" it gives the devil strength...sometimes you just gotta get mad at yourself , kick you own butt, and take the aggressor role..when I do this, the next time the issue rears it's ugly head, I immediately take control...otherwise he wins...and the devil must never ever win...

[angels]

Originally Posted by Believer

(I teach gifted and talented kids and travel to four different buildings - thank goodness I have some flexibility - if I were in a regular classroom right now I would be fired!)Jen

Surely you're kidding! You teach and you are withdrawing from Paxil? Teaching is the hardest job that exists (even when not withdrawing) and very underpaid. I know and I have a right to say that because I used to teach high school English. My downfall (I gave up that career after one year of teaching in the US) was that I taught in an African school first and the kids were very polite, hungry for learning, and I got paid gobs of money relative to the average salary.

Give yourself credit for running a marathon today. And, yes, invite your boyfriend to read a few posts here. He's right, by the way, it is the Paxil withdrawal.

[Suze]

Originally Posted by Believer

I woke up with my heart racing, feeling panicky, scared (of who knows what?), angry.

Jen, here's a little breath-work synopsis...
The body cannot be in states of relaxation and anxiety at the same time.
Shallow breathing kicks in that fight-or-flight normal response of the body due to a change in oxygen/carbon dioxide ratio.
Breathwork will change your body/brain physiologically and will return you to relaxation.
Breath IN to a count of 4.... HOLD for a count of 4.... RELEASE for a count of 8 (if possible).... Do it again. And again. Then take a few deep cleansing breaths--in thru the nose, out thru the mouth.
Typically, the body will return itself to 'stasis' within 3 or 4 or these cycles by returning the oxygen/carbon dioxide ratio to a normal state.
Think of deep breathing as water taking on a different form. You cannot live without water. In the same way, the body needs breath--deep breathing breath--to optimally function.

Hope this brings you some relief.

[angels]

Originally Posted by Suze

The body cannot be in states of relaxation and anxiety at the same time.

Very true. One way to get the brain to calm down is to work on the body. We are so invested in the realness of our thoughts that logic sometimes has a snowball's chance in hell of breaking through.

[Dottie]

Jen,

You must be very strong to continue teaching while going through this. Don't under estimate your strength. Everyone on site has or is going through this and are very understanding and supportive. Vent away here and let your feelings out. You will find many loving arms and lots of hugs when you need them.

Hugs Dottie

[sheacarney]

Jen,

I am so sorry. I've decided to leave my husband more times than I can recall. I desperately want him to stay, but I feel guilty that he is strapped with someone like me. Each day that passes, wherein I feel like an emotional invalid, evokes such fear of abandonment. Hell, I've got abandonment issues, so it's no wonder they are so terribly prevalent now. It's just that he didn't marry the person I am now; I can't understand this, so there's no way he can.

You are so strong to be able to continue teaching. I know I've been less than successful, at doing this, but try to be kind to yourself. You are very beautiful, as are your children (I've seen your photos). You have a great deal to live for. Take whatever support you can get; from friends, relatives, your boyfriend. DEFINITELY have him take a look at this site. It will certainly be an eye opener, for him.

Blessings,
Shea

[Believer]

I made it to my second school and only two more classes to go - yeah. Let's see then I have to pick up 3 of my kids at the ex's house, pick up my youngest from daycare, get my daughter to a doctor's appointment at 5 and then to soccer at 5:30. Somewhere in here get dinner, take my oldest daughter to the school musical she is in at 6, go back and pick up soccer girl, go back to watch the musical which starts at 7. Go home and give the boys a bath, settle everyone in and then I'm done - nuts! OK - I know many have it worse then me, I just needed to rant some more! I did finish my last graduate class of the semester last night - I'm feeling pretty positive about that at least. I've decided to take the summer off from that. My brain has had it!
I'm feeling a little better, I stopped on my way here and got some lunch and caffeine - that is helping me at the moment, also took my magnesium. Thanks for all your support today:

Suze: Your words are inspirational. It feels as if you've known me forever. I've been more open with the people here then my closest family and friends and the bond I feel is very comforting. I agree with you 100% about the people on this site - I never before would have believed that I would be reaching out to people over the computer - thank heavens for technology! Where would I be without this! Also the breathing worked well. I'm going to do some more before my next class.

SuSu: You awoke with your own feelings of panic this morning yet found it in you to comfort me, for that I thank you.

Heather: Thanks for the kind thoughts, I will get my boyfriend here. It's been a hard thing for me to do - to open him up to what I feel as my weakness. I want so much to be strong for him. He lost his wife to ephedra a couple of years ago and there are days when I feel I am too much of a burden for him, he's been through so much already.

Bev: What can I say - you are awesome. I am very appreciative of your knowledge and helpfulness. It's good to know I am not the only one who makes hasty decisions in this state of mind!

Gizmo: Thanks for the hug - I needed it!

Homer: What can I say - just looking at that avatar makes me feel better - thank God you're back!!!!!!!! You are right about the wallowing, being aggressive against this thing is the best route for me. Usually I do pretty good at that, today has just been a weak one for me.

Caroline: You are amazing to me - I don't know how you do the CT! You are often in my thoughts, thanks for putting me in yours today!

Angels: I appreciate the kind words from one fellow teacher to another!

Dottie: I've been worried about you to, hope all is going well.

Shea: I can relate to what you said about your husband. I feel that when I first started dating Larry I was totally different than I am now. It is hard to bring him down this road. I guess if we can make it through this we can make it through just about anything!

Hugs to all!

[Caroline49]

Believer, the cold turkey decision was made by me AND my husband. This is a family problem like any other illness.
Your life is full right now. You are young and have 4 children. That alone is taxing without adding withdrawal to the mix.
I married my husband when I was 43 and he was 48. We both had a young child at that time. Matthew, my step-son, was six when he came to live with me and my son, Aaron, was nine. We had little league, violin, socceer, cub scouts, academic team. I worked full time for the legislature and had a stressful job. We somehow managed to get it all done. I also went back to college and finished my degree when my son was four. Now Aaron is 23 and Matthew is a sophomore in college. My husband and I each have an older child. My daughter is 38 and has three children.
Now that I'm 56 my life is not as hurried as it was when I was in my early forties. Things change. We don't always like the changes but we learn to live with them. I'm really glad that I don't have small children any more. I truly believe God meant for YOUNG women to have the children.
Once I'm completely through withdrawal there are so many things I want to do. I have always wanted my scuba diving certificate. I will get that. I've always wanted to go to France. I started teaching myself to speak french last year in preparation for a trip to France. I will get there. My grandmother was a french teacher and she and my grandfather and father lived in Paris from 1918-1926. I have always wanted to see the places they took pictures of. I will take my own pictures in Paris one day.
This is the first time since I began this horrible trip to HELL AND BACK, that I have felt I will do these things!! Today has been a good day. Thank God for that!
You will get better too Believer, just take it slow and try to keep your life as calm as possible these next couple of months.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by SuSu

God to relieve me of these feelings and to restore my brain to the way he originally intended, and to please give me the strength and the tools necessary to help make this so....

Amen, that's what i'm asking too

[colomom]

Originally Posted by Believer

I made it to my second school and only two more classes to go - yeah. Let's see then I have to pick up 3 of my kids at the ex's house, pick up my youngest from daycare, get my daughter to a doctor's appointment at 5 and then to soccer at 5:30. Somewhere in here get dinner, take my oldest daughter to the school musical she is in at 6, go back and pick up soccer girl, go back to watch the musical which starts at 7. Go home and give the boys a bath, settle everyone in and then I'm done - nuts!

You know what's cool.....? Only 3 more days until YOUR (our) day!!! There is no harder job in the world than raising children and you take care of other people's children too......I am in awe of you. It is so cool that just when I start to feel overwhelmed by my day-to-day responsibilities as a stay at home mom, someone like you Jen comes along and makes me feel very grateful, thanks.

I hope that your evening has been a bit easier, lots of cooperation from the kiddos, dinner at Mickey D's, ect. You deserve a break today

I felt a connection to you and yours from the start, let me tell you about my ex who left me after 14 years, and that picture of you and your kiddos at Christmas was touching, to say the least. I want to welcome you to our family, you are a sister for sure.

*hugs*

[Suze]

Originally Posted by colomom

I want to welcome you to our family, you are a sister for sure.

and all the sistahs say "yea jen!!"