call me crazy

[damama]

I just have to vent and get this "I can f***en believe these people" feeling off my chest. Now this may piss off a few of you out there, however, that is not my intent. So here goes.....What I can't believe is how many people take illegal drugs while ON mind-altering prescription medication!!! How fricken nuts do you have to be to put your mind/body in even more danger than it already is while either being on or coming off of paxil (or any other ssri's). Maybe its the 9mg kicking in from the 1mg drop, but for some reason I'm so damn bothered by the amount of posts I've read TODAY from those "out there" who do this. I guess I don't understand why the f*ck anyone would add ANY drug, illegal or not, to the mix of mind-altering chemicals that have either permanently or temporarily f***ed up your whole being!!! Perhaps this topic has too deeply touched an already raw nerve in me and it is now rearing its ugly head. I lost my mom to drugs when she was only 23 years-old. My dad was your usual "pothead" who was never around because he was so messed up all the time....that is, when he was not in jail. He died at 56 of a heart attack from all the abuse his body had taken. I, on the other hand, was lucky enough to be raised by my mom's mom (Gramma) so I could have a safe, loving upbringing. So for those of you out there who have no kids and like to party, get high, or whatever you like to call it.....knock your f***ing self out!!! But for those of you who DO have kids, I don't give a f*ck how recreational your drug use is, or how "not addicted" you are to their occasional use, there is an ugly side to your choice whether you choose to see it or not.

By tomorrow I may regret how angry I sound right now, but I know I won't regret what I have said.

[Delynbetter]

I understand your frustration, damama. As scared as I am to take the legal chit, I can't imagine putting the illegal stuff on top of it.

At the same time I was never exposed to the illegal stuff growing up. My dad's a pharmacist, so everyone kept it hidden from me. By the time I got to college and found out it really existed I was too scared and too afraid of losing my position in the pharmaceutical industry to even go near it.

I consider myself lucky.

[scotty]

I'm with you on the illegal use of drugs. In my mind they fall into the same category as ssri's for unknown effects and brain alteration. I don't understand the use.

[elisa]

Damama, no you're not crazy. I read that the meds use the same pathways in the brain as the illegal drugs and therefore, double dangerous.

I understand the frustration.... because you experienced first hand what the street drugs can do. Douple dipping is reckless.

[damama]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about my frustration. Again, I do apologize for coming across in such an angry manner, but I just couldn't help myself. I truly don't feel sorry for anyone out there withdrawaling or currently "suffering" while ON any ssri's and adding any other elicit drug on top of that. I think its irresponsible. We're only here for a short time, why mess things up more than they already are??? ??:

[scotty]

One of the interesting things they've found with kids on ssri's, is that they have a massive urge to smoke pot or drink. Speculation is that it calms the akasthesia. I have to admit I don't understand the whole illegal drug thing. I'm such a teetotaler!! I hate being out of control.

[kioko]

[quote=damama]I just have to vent and get this "I can f***en believe these people" feeling off my chest. Now this may piss off a few of you out there, however, that is not my intent......

So for those of you out there who have no kids and like to party, get high, or whatever you like to call it.....knock your f***ing self out!!! But for those of you who DO have kids, I don't give a f*ck how recreational your drug use is, or how "not addicted" you are to their occasional use, there is an ugly side to your choice whether you choose to see it or not.
QUOTE]

Ouch!

so pissing people off was not your intent...
was your intent 2 hurt someone and make them feel even more worthless than they already do?

u know, i have sat back and read the postingz here, alwayz wanting 2 add in, but have held back 4 the most part out of fear of judgement....worrying that what i say may have a negative effect on someone or on someone'z opinion of me....but after i have come here day after day i figured, "why not take a chance...reach out"....with a hope 2 help or be helped.

well, in this case i did reach out.....and i feel as tho my hand has been smashed by a hammer...

perhapz i will crawl back in 2 my hole and continue 2 peek out at you all from now on...i have gained a lot of encouraging wisdom from reading the postz here, so it wasn't all for not.

it iz not my intention 2 come across as "poor me" or anything like that with this post...i guess i just wanted 2 share my feelingz with someone.

[Delynbetter]

Kioko, no, it was a post of frustration because she can't understand it, just as the frickin' doctors can't understand what our withdrawal hell is like.

I don't understand a lot either, but as a mother I can understand her frustration even though you aren't her child. Different worlds, different beliefs, different people, different circumstances.

Best of luck to you, and I still consider myself incredibly lucky to have never been exposed to the other stuff. I know I would have been addicted in a heartbeat.

Please don't give up on us as a support system for you. As you've read you are not the only one who has the "recreationals".

[scotty]

Kioko, freewill abounds here! You're choice is your choice! But I can understand the anger that paxil withdrawal brings out. Look, I will never advocate for illegal drug use, hell, I'm pretty much against the legal ones too . But what people do with their own bodies is their choice. The fact that damama chose to vent a bit is HER freewill!!I will never stop someone from venting.

[damama]

Kioko,

My frustration stems from a hurt that runs so deep it has a choke-hold on my very being. All my life I've "known" my mom through the stories/comments shared by family members. "Gosh, you look so much like your mom." "Oh, your mom used to LOVE to laugh! She just loved being happy." "I remember the time your mom....." Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, I hate drugs. I hated the very day I had to be put on prescription drugs to help me dig out of my black hole. Now that I'm a parent, I understand how powerful addiction must be because it would take something that strong to tear me away from my kids. That's why I find it hard to swallow (no pun intended) that any parent would WILLINGLY take a drug for RECREATIONAL PURPOSES that could put them at risk for addiction or bring on a "one-time" negative reaction. That's all I'm saying.

Please don't let my frustration chase you away from this wonderful site. If there's anything I would hope you'd take away from my post it would be to think twice (of your child) before you ingest anything that would alter your mind/body/ability to think clearly. I see you've changed your avatar? Is that your little one? What a wonderful reason to take care of yourself. You have no idea how special and important you are. I apologize if my earlier post took away from that.

[elisa]

Originally Posted by scotty

One of the interesting things they've found with kids on ssri's, is that they have a massive urge to smoke pot or drink. Speculation is that it calms the akasthesia.

That's seems to be true. It also occurs with other mind-altering drugs such as antipsychotics. Not only young people either... As I wrote in my previous post, these psychotrophic drugs use the same pathways as illicit ones. Smoking cigarettes also increases in many while on these meds. That's what research indicates. As always, there is the question of the chicken and the egg.. which came first.

[Suze]

Clean and sober here for a long long time.
That's my choice.
That's all it is, is my choice. (but I like it!)

[kioko]

i understand completely that everyone iz intitled 2 speak their mind...
and i know that Damama has good reason 2 feel the way she doez.....
i guess it just hit me so hard cuz i had been so hesitant 2 speak about thingz for so long....and i finally thought that maybe my fearz were unwarranted and that it was safe 2 pop out and talk 2 those who i felt i could relate 2....my guard was down.
And i just happened 2 decide 2 check that post out.....and i really wasn't expecting 2 see a indirect attack on me. It was like my worst fear came true....i'm sure she had no malicious intent....and i dont think she meant 2 hurt someone....i guess i just wanted 2 let her know that it did. And even as a wrote the response i was shaking (and still am) with the fear of knowing once i hit that "post reply" button it would be out there and i could never take it back...and i could alienate myself from this group. I just didn't want 2 be alone with this feeling.
i'm sorry.

[damama]

(((((((((((((((hugs to kioko))))))))))))))))))))))

[Suze]

Kioko, hang tough girl. I've been where you are a few times, or felt like I was. I'm learning not to take things so personally. This is your life and your experiences. We make our own choices. I guess whenever we put ourselves out there we risk the consequences--sometimes they can be wonderful and othertimes they hurt. It's just part of the give and take. Truly--you'll see. It'll be alright. xxoo

Damama, I'm sorry if what I said about my past upset you. That was a long time ago--can't and wouldn't change a thing tho. I am truly sorry for the loss of your mother, and the reasons for your loss. I really can't imagine how it would feel, but I'm very glad you chose to share your feelings. It's so important to let it out. You've learned some powerful lessons--can't help but think your mom is helping you out from the other side. You are a good woman. xxoo

Bless you both, and especially bless your dear children!

[kioko]

Damama,
thank u....really truly, thank u. i was writing my last post while u must have put your last post up (it was directed at Laurie).....i'm a slow typer.

but again, thank u for those wordz. i'm much 2 sensitive, i know it, but i really wasn't expecting an attack (or i wouldn't have let my guard down!) i'm not proud of what i do...in fact i feel shame about it all the time. i worry so much about what other people think of me....my whole life iz worrying about what people think of me....
i'm just so terrified of the crazy thoughtz i have that i can't bear 2 be alone with them at night, when itz dark and quiet and i have no one....
i'm NOT proud of it...
P.S. yes that iz my little one....he'z my everything. he iz amazing. His name iz 'Akio Kioko'....itz japanese...Akio meaning "bright boy" and Kioko meaning "comez 2 the world happy"

[kioko]

And Suze....O Suze!
i was waiting 4 u 2 come back! i wanted 2 tell u i think u are AMAZING!!!!!!! i dont even know u really, but everytime i read a post of yourz i'm taken aback by the way you speak, the thingz you say, the thingz you do and talk about. i can even picture u in your home...making leather thingz...making soup....cuddling up with a blankie on your couch.(well, unless that picture u have as your avatar isn't you....cuz then i'm picturing somebody else!) i imagine your voice even...and itz so sweet and soothing. you are such a mothering, sweet person....and a fellow canadian!
i don't know why i am so drawn 2 u....actually, yes i do...you have a magnetic, warm aura about you....but regardless, please don't think i'm creepy or anything! u just make me smile....and i wanted 2 tell u.
XoXOxOxoXO

[Ariella]

What I can't believe is how many people take illegal drugs while ON mind-altering prescription medication!!

Well, cigarettes are mind altering and they're legal. So is alcohol. As is sucking back car exhaust.

I think you'll be upset for quite some time. Vent away! I'm with ya! It's just a part of human denial and self defeatism that one needs to supplement one's self with chemicals, to feel "more than" who they were before. Sometimes it's as a guise of "more calm".

[Suze]

Wow, I don't know how to respond Kioko. I've had a ****ty day--you can tell that's happening when I'm all over the place on here being silly and stupid and getting homie all worked up. You made me feel very very good. Thank-you sweetheart. I'm just a mom that cares--I've got 4 adopted daughters that I call the daughters of my heart (as opposed to my womb). Only had biological sons, so I guess I have a thing for surrogate daughters and both you and Damama are very special young women to me (oooooooh, and there are so many others! )

Now about my avatar.....girl, you gotta go google Ani DiFranco--righteous babe extraordinaire Amazing talent, incredible voice, guitar player like you may never have heard. Anyhow, I could only WISH to be as gorgeous as her!!

I think that every single person we meet holds a piece of our life-puzzle--you have one of mine and I have one of yours.

When that is recognized, it is a very very beautiful moment. xxoo

[scotty]

Kioko, nothing that you say can alienate you from this board!!

[kioko]

Suze

o jeez....now that u say that iz Ani difranco i can see that it iz...oopz! i know about ani difranco....i love the song "As is". but whatever, i'm gonna keep on picturing u the way i do anywayz! cuz i can't imagine u lookin any other way! but no matter what u may look like on the outside, you are the most beautiful soul i have ever "met" in my 24 yearz on this earth.

[Homerbcool]

Boy am i perplexed at this whole thread....I am goINg to sleep on it, give it some thought....but i will say this....the orignal post, well it makes me feel as if i am unworthy of the love and support from my fellow humans that do not do this or do that...

Keep in mind that as the memebr ship of this site grows, naturally there will be more and more people that come to this site, that have had dealings with drugs or still am, but every single one of them (and us) deserve to have the exact same hand reaching to them for help and guidance...

we do not lash out at the people of faith that so choose to use it in their signatures or in thier posts.

Kioko...do not for one second feel like you are unworthy...you are a precious person, a person whom people love, and rely on you for the same in return...and you will never ever reieve any different kind of support and love from HOMERBCOOL!!!

[scotty]

Homer, I think that's what all of us are saying. Damama admitted that she was having a bad day and the vent was part of it. Let's not make this something that was said at a "bad" time in the day a debate. We've all had those times!

[kioko]

thanx Homez!

yer a wicked cool guy...i appreciate the thingz that u say more than u know....

but i better get off here and get back 2 my wee one....daddy'z been "on duty" while i've been here havin a break down and then a rebuild....and i think he may need some help! (that little guy has us running!)
thank you Suze
thank you Homer
thank you Laurie
thank you De Lyn
and thank you Damama......no hard feelingz. *HUGGGGGGGGG*
goodnite everyone.
XoXOxOxoXO

[Homerbcool]

thank you kioko...may you have a peaceful sleep....