When do I hold Him Responsible

[LF07506]

Here I am again. He left last night about 8pm and said he was going to watch the boxing match with his cousin. Didn't make me any promises that he was coming home. Haven't heard from him since. It is like we are already separated. Beside the fact that I am nervous for his safety - when do I hold him responsible for his actions. It is not fair that he can just keep going & coming as he pleases. But then I'm scared if I argue with him I am not helping the matter. But what about us. Me and our son. Asking me where is daddy? When is he coming home? You know I feel like telling him if he want to be Mr. Independent then start washing your own clothes, making your own dinner & paying your own bills. But am I being to harsh because after all it is the damn PAXIL that got him in this state of mind. Don't know how I am going to get through this day. I have my nieces dance recital & bbq. All the family is going to say - where's your husband. I can't get into right now....Wish me luck..

[rdjanis]

You know, I am really stumped here. Try phoning the cousin and see if he noticed anything different in regards to your husband, perhaps others are noticing it as well which will help with the doc.

As far as hubby, I would point out to him what he is doing is unfair to his son. That the two of you need to meet half way so this does not affect him, that his coming and going is disrupting his life. Leave it at that, make him think about what he is doing. If this fails then you have some tough love decisions to make.

[LF07506]

His mom notices the difference. She is actually getting upset with him now. His cousin i a single 28 year old that like s to party and chase girls around. (my husband is 31) He is probably trying to get him to another state of mind. Little does he realize my husband has no drive. I don't know what he is thinking right now. When we sit & talk it feels like I slightly get through to him, butthen I must be breaking up the ease in his head and he takes off. I unconditionally love him but don't know how to get through this anymore...

[rdjanis]

The best way right now is to get the people who notice to write a letter in your support, especially the mother. Brief his mom on the side effects of paxil. Send a 'registered' letter to this doc telling him if your husband is not removed off paxil immediately you will hold him responsible for anything that happens as he has been advised on how paxil if effecting his patient.

[feelin'_wiggy]

Allowing him space doesn't mean excusing him from all responsibility. He is sharing a home with you and your son. Therefore, he is obligated to let you know when he will be home. I would expect that of anyone who lived with me. Have you told him about your son asking for him? Even Paxhell doesn't allow him to shirk his parental responsibilities. You'll have to be straight with him about that.

There is a difference between kowtowing to his every whim and taking a firm, but calm, stance. I know you feel like dumping a pile of his dirty laundry on his head, and maybe a few other things. If you do that, however, be prepared for the consequences. Better to set your limits and seek a compromise.
Be clear about what you are willing to give and what you expect in return. Once you have identified the issues that are not negotiable, like letting you know when he is coming home, you can be as generous as you want about other issues, like laundry.

Having his mother on your side is a big plus. Rita is right about getting statements from her and the rest of the family. Eventually, an intervention might be necessary, and you will need allies.

You poor thing. I have an idea what this is doing to you. Have you given thought to seeing a counselor? You might try one trained in marriage and family counselling. Be sure to find out her attitude toward PaxHell rught up front.

[publius]

LFO,

That's a darn good question. Let's look at the cold, hard, objective facts:

Your husband has abandoned you and his 7 yr. old son. He is acting in an utterly irrational and irresponsible manner.

That's what it is plain and simple. You love him and we all know it is the Paxhell that is doing this (bringing out the "inner frat boy" or whatever), and so are giving him a little pass for a while.

But this can't go on forever. Like I've said before, find a good lawyer and go over the facts and options. It is imperivative the doctors, all of them involved, be made know, in an undeniable way (ie certified letter or some such) of your husbands behavior, and how it is indicative of a bad, extreme reaction to the Paxil. And you are going to hold them responsible for destroying your family if they don't wake up and see what's going on.

That needs to be done ASAP. Get all the help you can from your own family, friends, etc -- you might all go to see the lawyer.

And then there is your husband himself. If the docs do get him off the Paxil, I suspect it hit will hit what he has done. Guilt and shame will come on strong, I'm sure. He may be so ashamed of himself, he can't come home. You can let him know you forgive him. This will be the best scenario we can hope for.

But you can't go on being a doormat and maid service for him forever, coming and going as he pleases to pick up the laundry.

So sit down (and with the lawyer and others' advice) and make a plan. Formulate a timetable of some sort. You'll give him (and the docs) x days or weeks to come to his senses. After that, you take some steps, wait a while there, then take the next steps. First steps would be to stop being the maid service, change the locks on the house and all that, of course.

I wish I knew what to tell you about your little boy. THe thought of him asking where is Daddy and why he isn't coming home just makes we want to explode.

-Richard

[publius]

LFO,

I've just come down with a rather serious bout of the 'ol Paxhell withdrawal flu tonight -- big time -- and I'm gonna have to crash a while. But before I do, there's something I want to stress to you. I don't want to scare you and make this hell worse, but you do need to prepared for it.

VIOLENCE. The severity of your husband's reactions to this crap make worry about this even more. I've just got a bad feeling he may freak out soon. I've got a mental picture of him coming home, probably in the middle of the night, and going psycho................

Paxhell and other SSRIs can bring out the rage. I know that from personal experience, and I'm certain many others here will testify to it as well. This is was one of the reasons I woke up and realized this stuff was not too good -- I had a road rage episode and I did not like the snarling, frothing at the mouth idiot staring back at me in the mirror.

I think it's because SSRIs turn off the higher emotions like empathy, compassion, love etc, etc. What's left is more "reptile", lower brain stuff, like anger and rage. And the fact that the higher emotions have been turned off so fast and so completely makes me worry quite a "reptile" may be about to come out of your husband.

Hope for the best of course, but prepared for the worst, and this is one worst-case scenario I want you to be very aware and prepared for.

I will continue to pray for you and your little boy.

-Richard