Question...........

[sheacarney]

I just erroneously posted a withdrawal update, in the news/articles/etc. section.....oops, which leads me to my inquiry:

Is having memory lapses, cognitive "holes," and just spacing out, in general, a "phase" of Paxil withdrawal. I'm feeling a lot better physically, but I'm acting mucho stupid; a wee bit more than what I'm accustomed to.

I am not remebering things, as I used to; my recall is shot. My sister used to call me the human rolodex, but now, I'm lucky to recall area codes and prefixes accurately. I do the whole milk in the cabinet thing, make lists for everything, struggle to find the right words to express myself in conversation, post in the wrong section at paxilprogress. I'm thrilled to pieces that I feel physically better, but I swear to you, I feel like I've lost I.Q. points. Interestingly, because I feel better, I'm not terribly concerned about this, but it's very frustrating. ALSO, potentially dangerous. I ran a stop sign the other day. I was just in a stupor or something, perhaps I was reveling in my new found calm??? I don't know, but I almost caused an accident. VERY strange. I can only assume this passes. I'm a dull crayon, at present.

-Shea

[zappelina]

Glad to know you´re feeling OK physically Shea! This senile phase is horrible but I think it will pass. I was completely confused for a long time, forgetting everything, misplacing everything and couldn´t concentrate on anything and felt like I had an IQ of an idiot. For me this has almost completely passed but I have a day of it now and then. Physically I´m still a wreck though, Maybe it´s just the other way round for you, physical recovery before the brain recovers. I´m sure it will get better.

[Buxy`s Back]

shea,im like you too feeling physically better now but still bad brain fog,i always thought this was hormonal untill i found pp and now i think it is drug related ,hoping the brain gets better for us all in time but great to hear u are much better xx

[-Ell]

well I'm blaming my brain farts on getting older! As much as I hate to admit that...as with being blonde it can make for a good excuse.

I can walk across the room for something and by the time I get there I have totally forgotten what it is I went to get. Although can still rattle off phone numbers I haven't called for years. Go figure!

[rdjanis]

Originally Posted by sheacarney

Is having memory lapses, cognitive "holes," and just spacing out, in general, a "phase" of Paxil withdrawal.

This passes Shea, the answer again is time. My daughter was unable to do her school work, could not concentrate, forgot what was learned etc. Both her teacher and I were amazed at what a difference a year makes. The first year was the withdrawal, but I think after the withdrawal process the brain needs to heal from what it has been put through. But it does heal!!!

[Light]

Shea,

From my observations, I think this is par for the course. The spaciness should clear up first and the memory problems/word finding difficulties might take a lot longer, improving fitfully over the next year or so. The good news is that you feel so much better and you can tolerate these little glitches from this new space that you are in.

While I have you here.... How are you doing in the motivation, energy, and sleep departments? Just wondering when and if these things improved, as I am struggling with them myself. At what point did the anxiety lessen? Depression? Troubling thoughts? Just looking for some inspiration. I'm at 4.5 months...

So happy to hear of your recent improvements,


Mike

[MizzT]

hey Shea! at least you are feeling better physically. I think you are seeing this too as a phase in the recovery. Like the rest of it....the "stupid" comes in waves. I try to lay low when im feeling brainslugs. let them creep their way out before i try to drive around and endanger people. tomorrow...yes...tomorrow is another day. *i will shop tomorrow*
Not sure what helps the brain fog or cog fog as i have read it. The cognitive function will return also. at least its not so painful as some of the rest of it!!!

really glad to hear you doing ok.

[nomorepaxil]

I'm so glad you posted this, Shea. Today is one of my "stupid" days. I feel physically exhausted as well as "stupid", which I know for sure is withdrawal, but the "stupid" makes it nearly impossible to do my work! I've been sitting at my desk at work for the past hour (well, between wandering around the office) and have gotten NOTHING done. I'm in a fog. I'm hoping to look busy enough that I don't get in trouble because I know that I will accomplish nothing work-related today.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling good! I can't wait to get there!

[RR]

Shea, see my latest post under the Paxil Protest thread for my reply to your question....

[paxilgirl]

Shea, the stupidness factor used to come in waves for me. It will pass,but like you I was a danger to society while driving!

Your writing reflects your physical well being, it just reads so much HAPPIER than I've ever seen! I'm so glad for you that you are feeling physically better.

The stupidness will pass.

[sheacarney]

Yes, I'm INCREDIBLY thankful that I have been given a physical reprieve, to a large extent.

Mike, I still have "waves" of extreme lethargy. I describe it as feeling as though I'm walking under water with weights attached to my arms and legs. This is not all the time. In fact, I often have ample energy to run around and do the things I need to get done. In fact, believe it or not, I'm starting a part-time job, next week. With my husband's current health woes and our financial duress, I really need to bring in a steady paycheck. It's not much, but I can pull it off and still go to auditions. Now, if I could just stop hitting curbs and running stop signs.

As far as when I started having windows, it wasn't until ten months off, not a day less. I was in absolute, tortuous hell for ten months straight. At one year, I'm having substantial "windows," wherein I only feel bad as often as I felt good, when the windows first began appearing. I'd say now I have bad windows in decent days. I don't consider myself recovered yet, obviously. I'll be pleased when I don't feel like a slug more often than I'd like. The "stupid" is also quite bothersome, but not unlivable. I've lived unlivable. Everyday was a struggle not to give up.

Folks, I've never posted this, but there was a point when I did make a feeble attempt at suicide. I was ashamed to post this, but there it is. I actually tried to hang myself. Once again, I am very ashamed of this behavior. It is completely out of character for me. I was in extremely bad shape, both mentally and physically. It was at about eight months off. I just couldn't take any more. I was convinced it wouldn't end. I also was regualarly "cutting," particularly the outside of my wrists, as if I was trying to work up the courage to complete the task. Boy did this behavior disturb me and those I loved. I never understood "cutters." I used to think, "what the hell are they doing?" Well, now I understand. I am thankful I never succeeded. I don't know how I survived this ****, but it can be done. It will improve. Know that I believe I would not have made it through withdrawal if it had not been for the kind, brave souls I have met here, in cyberspace.

-Shea

[MizzT]

Originally Posted by sheacarney

I just couldn't take any more. I was convinced it wouldn't end. I also was regualarly "cutting," particularly the outside of my wrists, as if I was trying to work up the courage to complete the task. Boy did this behavior disturb me and those I loved. I never understood "cutters." I used to think, "what the hell are they doing?" Well, now I understand.

hiya shea.....ultra brave of you to admit this. you know in your heart *i think* that being honest to it will help you release it and be past it.
I did the same thing with the cutting....not on a regular basis....just one totally evil day. it was either working up to it.....or keeping myself from just going for it. there was a connection to having the physical pain....some real pain with blood and all....instead of just the tremendous mental/physical anguish that relentlessly would not end.

now i understand.

i hope your windows continue to grow and grow and multiply. remember what i said....every bit of the universe sending you healing energy. every star in the sky shining for you and healing you. soak it in and know you are past the worst of it. it will only progress now to make us stronger and smarter and happier. you will never take the small accomplishments for granted again.

a million blessings to you, shea.

[Lilly]

You are a suvivor Shea. I think its good you posted about this stuff, because it does happen and others who are experiencing it will have more of an understanding of it. And it does end.

The foggy and lethargy stuff for me came and went and came and went till it did no more.

Your getting there!
Lilly

[safarigal]

(((( SHEA)))

you are doing great! I am soooo glad to see you come so far!!!!

The brain farts will subside over time. One day you'll wake up and realize that all the horrible withdrawal is finally over! All of a sudden you'll realize that OMG I do have a head on my shoulders

[feelin'_wiggy]

Originally Posted by sheacarney

I am not remebering things, as I used to; my recall is shot. My sister used to call me the human rolodex, but now, I'm lucky to recall area codes and prefixes accurately. I do the whole milk in the cabinet thing, make lists for everything, struggle to find the right words to express myself in conversation, post in the wrong section at paxilprogress. I'm thrilled to pieces that I feel physically better, but I swear to you, I feel like I've lost I.Q. points. Interestingly, because I feel better, I'm not terribly concerned about this, but it's very frustrating. ALSO, potentially dangerous. I ran a stop sign the other day. I was just in a stupor or something, perhaps I was reveling in my new found calm??? I don't know, but I almost caused an accident. VERY strange. I can only assume this passes. I'm a dull crayon, at present.

-Shea

Boy, does this sound familiar. I've been saying for weeks that if I took an IQ test today, the score would be at least 20 points lower than the last one. I'm doing fine physically, but the mental frustration brings me to my knees at times. I play computer Scrabble against myself because I don't have the nerve to play against another person.

Memory isn't my biggest problem. In fact, I scored 90's on Braverman's memory test. But figuring calculations in my head, putting the right words together when speaking, and developing ideas are all difficult. I can only pray that it's a temporary complication not caused by true mental degeneration, and that nutrition, supplements, and daily mental aerobics will improve it.

Shea, did you see Rob's post in the Paxi Protest thread today? If you haven't, take a look.


I just read back, and see that Rob, himself, replied here. I also read your second thread, Shea, about the suicide attempt. My husband told me yesterday that I really frightened him twice this year when I talked seriously about suicide. He said that the determination in my eye was chilling. That's why he was so quick to help me get in the hospital last year and why he sat and watched over me in May and June when I was in the thick of withdrawal. Talk about true love. Ours is cemented for eternity.

I understand your financial woes, too. We're having a tough time, and it's going to get worse if I don't start earning an income. But I can't imagine committing to a new job right now, or finding the confidence to face an interviewer, for that matter. My husband says not to worry about it, but it just adds to my frustration and anxiety.

Good luck to you on your new venture. You certainly have come a long way since I joined this group in May.

[RR]

12 months, "975 posts later" and it sounds as if you are truly "through the door." Just ... be careful. I was still getting nuked 12 months out....

[sheacarney]

Rob, I'm through the door, but it may clip me in the butt a few times. Man, am I a moody gal. That's putting it mildly. A bit goofy too.

Bev, Lilly and Wiggy, I too feel it is of benefit that others understand how severe my journey has been. I want them to know so they don't think they are in this alone or that I must have never been as bad off as they are because I'm feeling better now. I kind of thought those things when others would tell me things would get better. Honestly, quite often I thought "there's no way anyone else has been like this for this long." I even phoned Rob a couple of times, so as to interrogate him ("Were you like this?" "Did you feel that?" "How long was it before....."). I could always deeply relate to Shaney's posts. As credulous as I was, however, what everyone said was the voice in the back of my mind that kept me going.....you are healing; it will get better.

Julie, I'm thrilled to be able to post something other than gloom and doom. I don't want to get over zealous, but I've definitely seen vast improvment in the last couple of months.

-Shea

[dar7726]

Whoaaa....feeling increased anxiety reading this post.....

Tapping as fast as I can
Darlene

[sheacarney]

Hey Rob, "nuked" in the atomic bomb sense or microwaved? I'd say I am a bit fried.....more of a cooking metaphor I suppose. Though, nuked could be applicabe considering how wiped out tired I often feel.

-Shea

[tcl18]

Shea, your post was a revelation. All this time I';ve been putting my poor memory up to having a child. People use to compliment me on having a great memeory. Now it seems like if I don't write it down, it doesnt';t get rememebred. I'm sure havign a 3 year old is part of it, but perhaps the paxil was too!

[bon13]

wow. i'm new to this forum. just joined last night. shea, you have been through so much. i commend you for your strength in getting through many extremely difficult moments. after enduring what you have, just know that you can now battle anything. it has made you so much stronger. i just started tapering one month ago. after all i have read, i know i need to do this very slowly. i had made it down to 2.5 mg but then the withdrawal effects kicked in, the worst being extreme fatigue. just went back up to 5mg last night due to advice i received here. i hope it works. will taper 1 mg at a time with the liquid after one month. feel better this morning after 8 hours sleep, but I know i need to get some supplements (b-vitamins, magnesium, fish oil). i am thankful i have these threads to read through to compare with my experience, i know that one day i will be paxil free, i've already committed to that.
take care and god bless you.

[Light]

Shea,

Thanks for the info on the timeline of your recovery. Your story is a powerful one because you went from months of being utterly hopeless and even wanting to leave this world and now you are beginning to take your life back and to feel joy again. It's just astounding the strength you've shown and that you've gone from the depths of hell to taking a vacation and planning to go to Philly. It's really helpful to those of us in the trenches to read your story. You now have the opportunity to turn the misery of the last year into something extremely powerful and positive. This withdrawal experience is so difficult to put into words and really only survivors can understand one another and the utter lonliness of this experience.

Wishing you the very best,

Mike