Memory from years on Paxil-I was where?

[nicole55]

Ok, I know I've read about this before, but I've just come to realize the depths of this myself.

I've been talking with my best friend a lot lately and she'll say " remember when we went here and we did this.....

And you know what, I don't really remember! I starting thinking about the last five years (on paxil) and I don't have a lot of memories at all. It all seems like a big blur. When someone brings up something I'll sort of realize for the FIRST TIME- "oh yeah we did that, or we went there". But it's like the memory and feeling aren't there, and I won't ever think of it on my own, someone has to bring it up. I have completely forgotten most things I did the years on paxil and I don't ever remember unless someone tells me about it. I'm like "Oh yeah" It sort of shocking to me- like I've lost five years of my life.

Now on the other hand - things I did before paxil in my adulthood and childhood are still there . (granted these memories were gone too, while ON paxil , but thankfully came flooding back once I was OFF) You know memories pop into your head and you remember details and emotions connected with events. They are just there in you brain and seeing someone, or going somewhere, or a certain time of year, you just have this memory come to your mind, of things from the past.

But the stuff from the years on paxil -no - nothing there- no memory-no emotion connected with it- maybe this is sort of like the depersonalization people talk about. It's like someone tells me about it- I have a "vague" remembrance only then, only when someone else is telling me! And then it doesn't seem "real" to me. Like oh that was me , yeah I was there.

Well-I'm just rambling-but I've just come to this realization, and I'm sad about it and I just thought I'd share it.

[scotty]

This is very common, and not realized until paxil starts to clear the system. Ryan remembers very little about the year on paxil and the years during withdrawal. It's very sad to lose anytime in your life, but especially sad to lose your high school years.

[elisa]

Nicole, same thing happened to me for the 10 years I was on these drugs so I can relate almost word for word to the memory problems and loss of years. It's mostly a drug haze...

Except, these drugs didn't work for my depression so I went through the emotional upheaval of depression by remembering the bad memories while on the meds. I cried for most of the years while I was on the meds. Strange that I could only cry buckets in group therapy or in front of a pdoc, hardly ever when by myself. I think they were pent-up tears and emotions because I hadn't had a good cry since 1974, more than 20 years.

[Shellshock]

I can relate to this whole heartedly !! I am exactly the same, I too feel like i've lost nearly 5 years of my life, it scares me. Like yesterday I was at my Sisters house and her 2 young children (My Nieces whom I adore) asked if they could watch the video clips of earlier Christmas's and Birthday's, the girls are now 9 and 4, the videos were going back to the youngest's first Christmas etc. I watched the clips, I was in the clips, but I don't remember any of what happened, it made me feel really sad that I had no memory of these wonderful events, the worst for me was that I actually thought about when the youngest was born and I can honestly say that I don't have any of her childhood memories in my memory bank at all, to me it's as if I can only remember her for the last year and i've been close to both of my nieces since they were both born, I hate this !!! I left my sisters house really upset !! The weirdest thing was on these videos I was huge and at the time I really had no idea that I had gained so much weight, I didn't stop talking about it all night to my Husband, It was surreal, it really was.

It's really strange that you should post this today, I was going to do the same !

[mach3939]

Originally Posted by nicole55

And you know what, I don't really remember! I starting thinking about the last five years (on paxil) and I don't have a lot of memories at all. It all seems like a big blur. When someone brings up something I'll sort of realize for the FIRST TIME- "oh yeah we did that, or we went there". But it's like the memory and feeling aren't there, and I won't ever think of it on my own, someone has to bring it up. I have completely forgotten most things I did the years on paxil and I don't ever remember unless someone tells me about it. I'm like "Oh yeah" It sort of shocking to me- like I've lost five years of my life.

But the stuff from the years on paxil -no - nothing there- no memory-no emotion connected with it- maybe this is sort of like the depersonalization people talk about. It's like someone tells me about it- I have a "vague" remembrance only then, only when someone else is telling me! And then it doesn't seem "real" to me. Like oh that was me , yeah I was there.

It is the same for me! On Paxil my memory was bad, I have always had a very good memory. I could go to the Dr with my grandmother and repeat everything back to my mom and aunt. But the last couple of years hubby and kids were saying "I told you" all the time! I feel that I have lost at least 4 years of my life. The Paxil and Effexor years. It is funny that I didn't notice missing big hunks of my life while on the Paxil.

Debbie

[parox]

My memory was very bad when I was on Paxil and even worse now in the WD, I have big problems with the cognitive and can barely read sometimes because everything is blurred. I don’t like to watch photos of me from the time I was on Paxil because it feels like it’s not me, anyone else feel like this?

[Scott]

ages 19 to 30 were pretty much a blur to me... like stepping out of a coma i'm wondering what happened to me. I feel robbed of my early adulthood and am not sure where or how to go from here. It took all the natural learning of those ages away and now i'm left totally incapable of acting my age or handling most any situation.

[elisa]

Originally Posted by parox

My memory was very bad when I was on Paxil and even worse now in the WD, I have big problems with the cognitive and can barely read sometimes because everything is blurred. I don’t like to watch photos of me from the time I was on Paxil because it feels like it’s not me, anyone else feel like this?

Haven't been able to read a book yet for the past 10 years. The words don't sink in and can't concentrate. Definitely cognitive decline. I'm able to read short articles while before I could just read the "flyers" one gets in the mail. Today it feels as if I'm back to square one. I used to be an avid reader!!

[scotty]

Ryan and I were talking about this last night. He has only one memory from 8th grade until the middle of his junior year(11th grade). Very sad!

[I_have_amnesia]

I haven't read a book in 5 years. I'm a writer and haven written a bloody word in in about 5 years. I can't do simple math. I can't spell a thing. I have a degee in English for Pete's sake. I'm like a moron, now. I literally feel like I have amnesia and have to learn it all again.

[Enjoy]

I know exactly what you mean, Nicole. As scotty said, I have one clear memory from eighth to eleventh grade. The time in between doesn't seem like it even happened. I've been shown pictures and videos and couldn't recall the slightest detail of the time they were taken.

[nicole55]

The longer I'm off this drug the more I'm "waking up" and realizing how much I've missed. It is so scary because I wonder what I'm going to realize a few months from now.

And to Shellshock: I know what you mean- I remember my nephew as a child so much more and he's the older one. But my niece- no- I was on the paxil.

[elisa]

Looking back, the last 10 years were spent in a drug-haze, only can recall bits and pieces of it. It didn't help that I was likely overdrugged by my previous pdoc who was known to overdrug his patients. A member of the hospital staff volunteered this info to me a few years back. (how in the hell was NOTHING done about that!!) The 6 ECT treatments he recommended also as safe and effective affected me in the memory dept as well as in other ways.