The wheels fell off today ...

[rangerNY]

Ugh.

I say again, "Ugh."

Today was the absolute worst day I've had since the panic/severe depression/OCD days that put me on Paxil 8 years ago.

I've had my ups and downs since taking my last dose in September. Panic attacks here and there, depressed moods, a bit of obsessive and catastrophic thinking, but I really felt I was making progress. No real physical symptoms in a long time, so thats not an issue.

I think I have been dealing with the combined weight of 8 years of life events that I never dealt with during my time in an SSRI-induced emotional coma. In that time I lost grandparents, had two children, broke up a business partnership, moved, lost a pet, etc. LOTS of life stuff went under the bridge on me, and I never felt a thing.

Well, guess what? Its time to pay the piper, and the interest payments alone are killing me. The load of 8 years of emotions is crushing me like a bug.

This morning I shook hands on a deal that merges my business into a much larger company. By every account, its a very good deal, but its still a major life change as I will no longer be self-employed as of February 1. I was cool as a cucumber in the merger meeting, and I felt happy and calm as I walked out.

Within the hour, I was a sobbing, shaking, distraught, panicked mess. I think the emotions that come with this kind of life change were just too much - the straw that broke the camel's back - and the wheels fell right off. It all came pouring out with a vengeance, landing me right back in the same horrible place that I was in back in 1997 (pre-Paxil).

My wife was there for me (but I know it upset her to see me like that), and I give big ups to my doctor (GP) for being cool enough to see me right away. I was such a mess, yet I have to remain functional. I went to the doc asking about something like Ativan to help get me through the next few months. He didnt think Ativan was the answer, and instead suggested a return to Paxil at a low dose.

No way, Jose! Since dumping the stuff, I've lost over 30 pounds and I feel physically great even while an emotional wreck, and I'm actually participating in life again. We talked for a while, and he thought that Wellbutrin XL would be a good solution for me due to my concerns about weight gain and not wanting to be emotionally sedated again.

I have to be functional for my family, so I agreed to give it a shot. 150 mg for 3-4 days, then up to 300 mg and a follow-up visit in two weeks.

I see that Wellbutrin acts on dopamine and norepinepherine instead of serotonin, so I'm encouraged by that. I also have my first visit tomorrow with a therapist. I should have done that 8 years ago, but I didn't, so here I am. We're going to work on some CBT stuff, but I have a feeling I have lots of real emotional issues to deal with too. We'll see how it goes.

I so hope that this is just a temporary thing. I'm hopeful that therapy is going to help, and that come the brighter days of spring and summer, I'll be able to leave the Wellbutrin behind too.

Wow. I'm rambling. I suppose I'm venting, too. Hopefully its not a downer for anyone reading.

[scotty]

You know what is causing this. Paxil withdrawal doesn't end in a few months. You're brain is still altered and needs time to readjust. The events that you describe are going to have to be looked at and learned from. Therapy is what is going to do that... not wellbutrin. Sorry, I'm not big on any of these drugs, especially those made by GSK. Good luck with the therapist.. that is the lifetime cure.

[feelin'_wiggy]

Ranger, a business decision like yours is a major stressor. Coming in the face of paxil w/l makes it all that more difficult. If venting here makes you feel better, then have at it. Let us know how the therapy session goes.

[scotty]

Jeez, that post of mine came out sounding really harsh..not what I meant. Selling a business is a HUGE stressor, but let me tell you a situation that hubby went through recently. He retired after being at the same place of employment for 30 years. He's now working part time for a friends company. He was terrified to retire and make this change. Today, 3 months retired he is thrilled with the new situation. Change is stressful and sometimes the anticipation of that change ends up being worse than the change itself. Give it time to settle, see that therapist, and know that you have all of us behind you.

[rangerNY]

Originally Posted by scotty

Jeez, that post of mine came out sounding really harsh..not what I meant.

Nah, no worries, Laurie. I know what you meant.

Trust me, I had a big frown on my face when I saw that Wellbutrin is another GSK product. I had this image of some grey-haired executives smirking when they see my money come rolling in again. Because, you know, my money is clearly marked and identifiable.

And Deb, thanks for the words of encouragement!