dont want another day

[squirrel]

11 months now. I am tired of it all and so despondant, I have tried to be positive ,taken my omega 3 and magnesium , put on a happy face when iI feel like s**t,tried to see the bigger picture, been kind to myself,and I cant do it anymore!
I feel my life is just so challenging, there are no problems but just to do ordiary everyday things is soo difficult and draining,I feel miserable and I am making all my family feel the same, I see no end,just on and on this incessant dreadfullness. I cant go to bed cos I dont want to have to face another day.

[gruvingal]

I know how you feel. Today has been awful. I haven't gotten out of my PJs and I don't care. I have slept off and on most of the day. My entire body aches, and I'm only going into my third month. I am petrified of what is to come!!!

[Delynbetter]

Get yourself to a safe place, wherever that may be. I have no idea what to tell you except to take care of yourself. I hope you find strength and peace somewhere, somehow, SOON.

[Gottabestrong]

Hang on, it WILL PASS, best advice i can share is strengthen your fate, follow God and Jesus, TAKE CARE of your Mind and Body (pray, do things that help you forget your symptoms to a lesser degree, gind ways to LAUGH, keep a POSITIVE MINDSET, EAT HEALTHY, etc.)

i felt the same way when i found out what anxiety disorder was and how it attaced my childhood all the way to my teens, i didnt want to live, how oculd i have something so bad? i took the stupid way out and went to paxil for 4 years. after tapering off and being off for for about 7 months, im facing harder times during withdrawal, but i am DOING all the advice i gave you and i see improvements everyday!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!

[squirrel]

I am so tired ,so hopelss I have gone on for nearly 12 months no one at home understands they just think one day I will be my old self again and I think they are all just giving me a wide berth till I do.

[scotty]

OK, I'm a bit brain dead this week... how did you wean?

[squirrel]

20mg down to 5mg in 3 weeks

[gruvingal]

Sounds like you went too fast. Are you still taking the 5mg or are you off for 11 mos?

[squirrel]

no I stopped at 5mg 11months ago Im F****D arent I . No going back for me.

[Gottabestrong]

NO DONT SAY THAT!! you are still on a dose, so your body is adjusting, i'd recommend strengthen your faith in God and Jesus, EAT HEALTY, water, fruits, vegetables, soy, etc. and stick it out for a bit longer......you are gonna have to get off completely sooner or later, so prepare for it, you have gone 11 months, and have gotten stronger regardless of what you think, you've come this far whats another 11 months? i think the main thing is that we were put on pazil for a reason, of course we are gonna have stress, znxiety, etc. but with faith, taking care of yourself, good things will come and sooner than you think you will be getting better and better!!

[sherijo]

Gotta,
no squirrel is OFF paxil.. 11 months.

Squirrel,
You know some people have been suffering for a long time.. and made it through! you will too! I just know it! Try seeing what improvements you have made.. it is just taking your body a long time! Give yourself some credit for hanging on this long! you are doing so well!
You can do this squirrel, I know you can!
Sheri

[squirrel]

Sorry gottabestrong what i meant was I stopped c/T at 5mg and then no more.have not toucheed paxil for 11 months

[Gottabestrong]

oh sorry, well then EVEN BETTER!! i keep telling myselg THANK GOD i am FINALLY OFF THIS POISON, cuz again, all my bad side effects are gone, and i know my w/l effects are subsiding and disappearing little by little!! it takes a while but again, with faith and treating your body well, it will happen!!

[squirrel]

no strength left, no optimism ,no hope

[squirrel]

This poem conveys my sense of hoplesness, that I am never going to be the same again. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

[Kudra'sKeeper]

Hey Squirell and Gru,
Hang in there. It's going to get better. Just hang in there.

[sherijo]

Squirrel,
i wish i could take your pain away! try and find something to be hopeful for!
just one thing! i am so sorry that you are feeling this low! you know this always passes! it does, it has in the past! look at some of your older posts!
you have come out of the woods! this will eventually stop! it will! know this in your heart! pray, pray for help squirrel!
you will see the end of the tunnel soon!
sheri

[Katesmom]

Squirrel,

These down times are so hard to get through. When they come, when you feel really down and bad, it seems like there is just flat no end. I'm guessing that the last eleven months have not been unending misery, though. You have had symptoms that come and go. They stick around long enough to make you really miserable and wish for anything other than that symptom and then you get your wish, another sucky symptom!

And then, there are moments of relief. I try to remember that they are just windows of promise to what will come. And every day is a day closer to walking out the door of Paxil and leaving it behind forever.

Eleven months is a huge accomplishment. I'm sure you realize by now how Paxil plays tricks on you. It can make you smell or see something that isn't there. It can also make you feel like crap, physically and emotionally. It can really mess with your sense of reality and I believe that is what is happening with you right now. The Paxil influence you still have in your brain is telling you that there just is no point, that this misery is going to last forever. But, you have reason. And your reason has to tell you that is just not the case. Every single day, every moment brings you closer to the wellness that you crave.

Please, please, please, if you feel like you might let the irrationality of Paxil take control over your reason, call someone with whom you would feel safe. Even if you call up a minister who doesn't even know you, you will get a loving person who has heard and seen it all before. You would not shock him/her with anything that you had to say.

[feelin'_wiggy]

Okay, Squirrel, you've gotten my attention. I first came across Auden's poem after my father died in 1993. It perfectly described the hopelessness I felt then. If it's speaking to you now, then you must be in the darkest of dark places. But look at me, Squirrel. Here I am all those years later telling you that you CAN come back from the netherworld. Tell us how we can help you.

[Katesmom]

Your first window:

http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ad.php?t=16489

They get longer and better.

[scotty]

Squirrel, it was a 10 months that Ryan started to feel human again.. not normal, but human. He was only on paxil for 14 months. This is one depressing process to have to endure, but you're off 11 months. THAT is a huge accomplishment and puts you so close to the brighter days. It won't be like turning on a light.. it will be a very slow sunrise. You'll find that you have a few good hours.. then slowly those hours will turn into days.
You've come SO far through so much pain that you're exhausted. Just to d*mn tired of fighting to care anymore. I remember when Ryan hit this point. It felt like it was never going to end, that he was going to be like this forever, that life had no meaning anymore, that paxil had taken to much.
BUT slowly the life started coming back when we least expected it. It was a subtle shift that almost went unrecognized and then just kept getting better. 11 months off is not the cut off point for healing. Each person is different, but slowly the brain cuts you a break.

Darcy told me during this period of time "Sometimes all you can do is breath"... we lived by that statement many days. No expectations, just breath. It was when that magical time period had passed that we saw our son again. The person that I see today is MUCH healthier, more secure in who he is, and more comfortable in his own skin. YOU will get to this point... sometimes all you can do is breath... and that's OK.

[dar7726]

Squirrel,

You are a unique and special person...that person that was special before has not changed. The you that you remember, that your family remembers has not been lost, but maybe altered for a time. You will reemerge again.

We don't always know why we have taken certain paths in our lives or what the outcome will be but we have to believe that there was one or we can feel lost.

You have almost one whole year under your belt. I know the process can be long and gruelling but as time passes you will feel better again.

Something I try to do for 5 or 10 minutes a day...Something that I think is helpful. I do this especially in the morning...is take a moment of mindfulness. I really don't know how to explain it except to say that you sit for a moment and feel yourself inside your body and connect with yourself. Feel, breath, connect. That feeling may not last but it give you a moment of reprieve and you begin to think that maybe if you can have that one moment that there will be more moments to come.

Another thing that I found helpful in the beginning and am now starting to incorporate back into practice is saying affirmations. I've posted about them before but I must tell you when I take 15 minutes...again sitting somewhere away from everything and allow myself to speak these affirmations with power, I start to feel a shift inside of myself.

None of these things are I'm sure the total solution that you want, and neither is fish oil or magnesium. It's the whole package that makes them work over time. Anything as they say that will get you through the day and allow time to pass.

I've read that you are not working and I also read that you have children. Can you give us an idea of your day...maybe that would help.

Hugs to you...I hope this post finds you feeling a bit better,
Darlene

[rangerNY]

Hey Squirrel. PLEASE get yourself to a safe place. This horrific process is clouding your judgement and taking away your ability to see beyond the immediate pain, but it is just a process. With help, you will get through the process and you will be stronger and happier than you've ever been.

Don't rob yourself of the opportunity to be happy again. Take whatever steps you need to take to be safe so you can continue to heal. If that involves medication, then so be it. There's no shame in it, nor does it represent defeat or failure in any way, shape or form.

Please stay with us. We all care, and we all want to see you get through this.

What can we do to help you carry this weight? You are not alone.

[rdjanis]

You will get through this squirrel, it may not feel like it right now but you will. At 11 months in you will start getting glimpses of the good that is ahead of you. Take each day as they come, each hour, minute, whatever it takes until you start to feel relief. It is just around the corner.