Low point..rage and rash...

[Kristin]

That about sums it up. This is not my usual emotional, woe-is-me overwhelmed mess. This is...this sucks and time is the only thing that is going to free me. This drop to 4 mg zoloft 5 days ago is beating me.

I am snapping at any light or noise. Vivid dreams are all too intense, not enough sleep. But tonight I was working at the table and my son tipped over my tea all over the papers. I handled that part OK and asked him to help and get me a towel. He didn't, and for some reason I can't explain, he went to get a toy flashlight he got today and ran over to shine it in my eyes. I reacted with no thought, I swear, and hit it right out of his hand, and of course it broke. We made up later and read stories etc but in the meantime my husband is incessantly telling me that it was violent behavior, and that I've got to get it together. He won't let up. It was violent and it was extreme, yes, but other than checking into a motel I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I am really bringing the whole household down. They know it's chemically induced but my husband doesn't seem to react with compassion, rather with anger and sarcasm.

I feel trapped in this mode. I have two therapists I could see but I feel like I go in there and spend my time educating them about W/D and trying to convince them that what I am feeling is normal. They tell me to take care of myself and I just realized today...I haven't really changed my lifestyle much in W/D. My work and my business have gone on the same and I've just muddled through it, often in this fuzzy stupor practically. I feel stuck.

And then a week ago I woke up with my arms and legs covered in a red bumps-on-bumps solid itchy rash. Lovely. It may or may not be related to W/D but I can't say I've ever had anything like this without the help of Penicillin or poison ivy. This is neither of those. So it stayed 5 days and in that time I tore up my skin scratching and so rather that looking like a leper I'm wearing long sleeves in August in Iowa. I could use a fast-forward button on my life, as I'm sure many of you could. Thanks for listening.

[Iksfreundin]

Aw man, long sleeves at this time of year? I found that for w/d rashes (if that's what they're from), lotions with oatmeal concentrates work wonderfully.

And, you've realized NOW what is going on. This is great news. I'm upset your husband doesn't realize what a battle you are fighting. I can understand his upset at your lashing out and breaking his toy: HOWEVER, from your description of the events, it sounds like an unusual event, not an everyday occurance. You're not violent. You're in withdrawal! You didn't punch your SON, so you aren't acting irrationally - every parent gets those days, and trying to make it through on withdrawal, AND being a parent, AND working is stressful! Cut yourself some slack.

And keep on, keepin' on!

[Katesmom]

The rash needs to be looked at. Have you taken any benedryl for it and if so, did it make any difference? I really don't think it can be written off as w/d. Additionally, an allergic reaction can also make you feel anxiety because of the adrenaline.

I'm sorry about the husband part. Don't know what to say. W/d is so hard on you and the people around you.

[Kristin]

Thanks, you guys. I do have a lot of anger in me...even before the meds and now it's unleashed. I think it has to do with al-anon stuff- letting other people's needs come before my own and after living that way a whole lifetime you become "irritable and unmanagable" without realizing it. I am trying to keep it in check but I have the inherited trait of the shaming voice and I hate it. So even if I'm not hitting, I'm giving mixed messages... loving and playful one minute and angry and blaming the next. And guilty.

Kim, I am so stinkin' sensitive to drugs I stay away from even Benadryl, though in retrospect, I wish I'd tried it. The rash left, the wounds are healing. Hey, I've not been on the site recently and now you are a moderator! That's great!

[Light]

I've been through the rage you mention and it's extremely hard to control. At the very least it's important to develop the ability to walk away at those crucial moments so that you can collect yourself and protect those around you. You joked about the motel but if there is some place that you could escape to for a couple of hours now and then it might help a little.

I would suggest bumping your dose back up to 4.5 and hanging out there for a full month or whatever it takes to stabilize and then proceed with .5mg reductions at longer intervals. Are you taking fish oil? Vigorous exercise?

The bottom line is your body is in charge and you may have to give in and go slower. It's my belief that your body begins to heal during your taper and not when you get to zero. In other words, as soon as your body recognizes that there is an imbalence it starts to make the functional and structural changes necessary to return to homeostasis (even though you may not feel it). So a slow taper is not in vain.

[Katesmom]

It's new tonight, so you haven't missed anything!

Kristin, is there an anger 'group' in your area where you could talk to other people about this stuff who are going through similar issues? I can imagine how frustrating it would be wasting your valuable therapy time informing him about w/d!

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by Light

I would suggest bumping your dose back up to 4.5 and hanging out there for a full month or whatever it takes to stabilize and then proceed with .5mg reductions at longer intervals. Are you taking fish oil? Vigorous exercise?
So a slow taper is not in vain.

I did get a little anxious and dropped sooner than usual but I was feeling quite good. I feel so close to being off that I just want to step over the line and be done....(and here come the tears.) Thanks for the reminder that I can go back up. That does give me an out that I hadn't thought of. ( I only have 4 active brain cells at this time so my thinking is limited.) I am so fragmented that I take fish oil only sporadically, one a day instead of three. I am religious about my Mag.because I take it at night with the zoloft. I injured my foot and got out of my walking routine but with the kids back in school I will get back in the exercise groove. This may have a lot to do with my emotional state.

Kim-I don't know about an anger group but Al-anon meetings help a lot. It's hard to fit it all in a day! But I will make a few calls and see what I can find.

[LCrawford67]

It's so easy to get over anxious and want to wean quicker. But remember, this isn't a race, it's more of a journey. At the end of this long and ardjuous journey, the prize is you and your new life, med free!

Just keep your eye on the prize and know it isn't a race.

[Light]

Kristen,

I think the .5 mg dosage increase, regular fish oil at a decent dose, and time might do it. The early studies on fish oil were in subjects who were on meds and there was a demonstrated effect (perhaps something synergistic). I really believe that it can help if you can tolerate it.

[Katesmom]

Kristin-

I know this is overwhelming because it feels like it's forever. It's not, though. It really does get so much better. Try to deal with each day, or even moment as it comes. You don't have to conserve emotional energy to deal with this for the next ten years; you just need to get through today. I promise that it gets better. I wish I could give you a 'save the date' for it.

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by Light

Kristen,

I think the .5 mg dosage increase, regular fish oil at a decent dose, and time might do it. The early studies on fish oil were in subjects who were on meds and there was a demonstrated effect (perhaps something synergistic). I really believe that it can help if you can tolerate it.

Thank you, it sounds like a plan. I think I need to throw away my list of 30 things to do and make a new one that just says take fish oil and exercise. (Big sigh...) Seriously though, having you folks to share troubles with and getting suggestions and support, can turn me right around for the better as is the case tonight. Sincere thanks to you all.

Kim- you made me smile with your 'save the date' idea. I'm going to put it out there as a visualization, because that day will come, just not sure when.

[babs]

Just sending you a big hug. As others have said, it WILL get better. I've been where you are, and it did get a lot better as time went by. All you can do is ride it out, let your son know it's the withdrawal and not him, and remind your husband of that as well.

[feelin'_wiggy]

Originally Posted by Kristin

Thank you, it sounds like a plan. I think I need to throw away my list of 30 things to do and make a new one that just says take fish oil and exercise. (Big sigh...)

What an excellent idea! I always get the impression that you drive yourself too hard, Kristin. As you've probably learned in Al Anon or ACOA, there's a child like that in every alcoholic family. Is it possible to scale back on your work or other obligations? You say it's hard to fit everything in one day, so obviously your plate is overfilled. Try to empty it a bit. That would help even if you weren't in wd.

It is so important at this time to be kind to yourself. "Kristin" is sick and she needs nurturing. You work youself so hard, but deep inside you resent it, so anger mounts and you turn it against your family unintentionally. Place that on top of a compromised nervous system, and the result is a blow up like the one that happened tonight and others you've mentioned in the past.

It's great that you've found love and support here, but don't forget to give yourself a little sometimes, too.

[eileen]

Sending you hugs Kristen, I've had the rages and the last time I just left the house and stayed away all day. I'm realizing now, that I'm important as well as the people around me. Take care and take time, this is not an easy road that you are on. You have done wonderful so far.
eileen

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by feelin'_wiggy

What an excellent idea! I always get the impression that you drive yourself too hard, Kristin. As you've probably learned in Al Anon or ACOA, there's a child like that in every alcoholic family. Is it possible to scale back on your work or other obligations? You say it's hard to fit everything in one day, so obviously your plate is overfilled. Try to empty it a bit. That would help even if you weren't in wd.

It is so important at this time to be kind to yourself. "Kristin" is sick and she needs nurturing. You work youself so hard, but deep inside you resent it, so anger mounts and you turn it against your family unintentionally. Place that on top of a compromised nervous system, and the result is a blow up like the one that happened tonight and others you've mentioned in the past.

It's great that you've found love and support here, but don't forget to give yourself a little sometimes, too.

Deborah, You are right on. However this changing of lifestyle seems so simple and yet so hard for me. It seems like so many of the things that push me over the edge are the things I love - like coaching soccer, making and selling art, volunteering. It seems like to live a simpler life there are some big projects inbetween here and there. To have systems that run smoothly and an organized life I would have to sort two huge clothes closets, install shelving, organize a studio and two large furniture pieces filled with a million art supplies, make an office space, etc, etc. And I have almost every room in some form of remodelling after lead-proofing. It feels so big so I avoid it which means I waste a lot of time looking for things.

I also know I tend to look at why I can't do something rather than just light one candle and start. BUT, today I walked my 2 mile walk and (just a minute, I'll be right back) took my fish oil! The easiest thing for me would be to go to a retreat for a month or two and intensive therapy, exercise, get fed wonderful healthy food. The challenge is fitting it into a marriage, while parenting and making a living.

Bottom line...when I slow down and contemplate self-nurturing there is a wall and pain. Love of self, or lack there of, isn't an easy place to go or move forward in. So I avoid it. But we only have one life. Thank you for the reminder to nurture myself. And thank you Eileen and Babs for your kind thoughts as well.

[Katesmom]

Krisin-

I can't believe you are trying to keep up all the extra-curriculars like coaching and volunteering right now! I dumped everything for a year. I could not handle it consistantly enough to be an asset. I was so tired all of the time, I had to save my energy for Kate, Matt and me. There was a heavy spotlight on my very little world. That doesn't mean a didn't participate or spectate; I did, but I wasn't the lynch pin for anyone else. That has all changed now and I'm busier than ever these days. It is all the more satisfying being able to do that stuff now!

[babs]

Originally Posted by Kristin

Bottom line...when I slow down and contemplate self-nurturing there is a wall and pain. Love of self, or lack there of, isn't an easy place to go or move forward in. So I avoid it.

Boy that's me in a nutshell, except my MO is different. Instead of leading an overly-busy life to avoid it, I just continually distract myself ... spend hours on the computer or watching TV or movies, and then feel even worse for wasting time I "should" have been using to "fix" myself via meditation or finishing one of my millions of self-help books I've only read the first 2 chapters of or saying affirmations, etc. Aaaack!! I suppose some may see my distracting activities as "self nurturing" .. I'm not stressed or doing for anybody else. But I'm avoiding doing any serious inner work nonetheless.

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by Katesmom

Krisin-

I can't believe you are trying to keep up all the extra-curriculars like coaching and volunteering right now! I dumped everything for a year. I could not handle it consistantly enough to be an asset. I was so tired all of the time, I had to save my energy for Kate, Matt and me. There was a heavy spotlight on my very little world. That doesn't mean a didn't participate or spectate; I did, but I wasn't the lynch pin for anyone else. That has all changed now and I'm busier than ever these days. It is all the more satisfying being able to do that stuff now!

Well, I did let go of stuff I was doing at church and I quit going to weekly Al-anon meetings because it was just too much. I agreed to co-coach soccer so the other guy does all the organizing, paperwork, and scheduling. I get to go out and run around with the kids! So it worked out. And now I bake cookies or something for a PTA event but gave up managing the book fair, etc.

A big time issue revolves around my business. It's exciting to have a business that's growing and revolves around my creativity. I'm in the process of having a website made and it takes time and decisions. But there are a myriad of little details that I just have to learn to do differently. For instance this customer dropped off a piece that was missing a part she had lost and wanted me to duplicate it. Over 2 months I've gone to 4 stores looking for the matching bead. Craziness! It only occurred to me today while pondering simplicity and self-care that I can call her and say sorry, no-can-do. I should make a rule that if it isn't real easy, forget it. I just let her request become my responsibility to fulfill without consciously making the choice to do it or not. Hmmmm....

Babs, it ain't real inviting to persue self-examination and improvement is it? But we're the ones who lose out if we don't. I guess there's no short-cut to enlightenment and grace. But I think it's in Kim's signature about courage making life expand or shrink. Heck, I made it through childbirth with out drugs...twice. I guess I can muster the guts to take care of myself! Thanks everybody!

[LCrawford67]

Great attitude, Kristin! That kind of thinking is EXACTLY how you're going to succeed!

[feelin'_wiggy]

You're learning fast, Kristin. I did the same thing in my business. Spent way too much time trying to please a customer. I would become blindsided by the challenge. When you add up the time you spend trying to save that one customer's business and then consider the new customers you could have recruited in that time, you see that you really tip the scales. We tend to work hard, but don't always work smart.

I have a slew of books on organization for creative , ADD types. There is only one that I've found really helpful, Organizing for the Creative Person: Right-Brain Styles for Conquering Clutter, Mastering Time, and Reaching Your Goals by Dorothy Lemkuhl and Dolores Cotter Lamping. If you have a chance, grab a copy. You can get one from Amazon for about $10.

Sounds like you made great progress today, so give yourself a big pat on the back. Kudos and big hugs to you.

[feelin'_wiggy]

Originally Posted by babs806

Boy that's me in a nutshell, except my MO is different. Instead of leading an overly-busy life to avoid it, I just continually distract myself ... spend hours on the computer or watching TV or movies...

And I tend to swing from one extreme to the other.

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by feelin'_wiggy

We tend to work hard, but don't always work smart.

Isn't that true! Working smart would require slowing down long enough to figure out a system! It's like trying to save a dime all the time but not getting my savings into the highest interest-earning account.

Thanks for the book reference, it looks exciting. There is a lot to learn. I read in a trade magazine the other day that you should do your work processes the exact same way every time and I laughed out loud because I NEVER do the same thing twice. I'm going to get that book!

It was * your * quote that I like about courage.

Thanks again to you both. BTW, I walked and took 3 fish oils today and I did go back up 0.5mg last night and I am clear as a bell and focused and productive today. It may well be that the fish oil is as critical as the Mag for me.

[Kristin]

Just an update. The clarity is gone and I am dumb as a post. Tried to make a therapist appt but couldn't remember her name. Tried to call my son's school but couldn't remember the name of the school or his teacher. This is getting weird. Driving is a trip.

The good news is the rage has backed off (and it was really tested beause my son was home sick the last two days!!!!!!!)

I can't believe a one mg drop got me like that...and now it's just 0.5mg drop.

The thing that is frightening me today is these d*m* eye pricks. It is like a sliver of glass is poked in my eyelid at the edge by my eyelashes when I blink. It is very painful and makes me cry out. I can't anticipate when it's going to happen and it makes me on edge. Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often or last more than a second and doesn't do it on the next blink. (But the adrenaline rush is with me for awhile!!!) I know it's W/D related because it only happens the second week after a drop and I've NEVER had anything like this. But it's disconcerting that noone else has described having this. I must have a bit of anxiety on board because I just feel generally fearful. But I am hanging in there OK. Going camping tomorrow...oh boy!!

[LCrawford67]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Kristin. You're almost there! Just focus on the prize and take things as they come. As you can see, the bad times don't last that long and you have a whole new, med free, life to look forward to!

[Kristin]

Thanks Laurie. I've never been in a competition where I've had to go so slow! A reverse race! But whatever it takes to win.