REALLY bad night

[LossLeader]

Things have been grim this last week or two..... 9/10 month trough....

I am wondiering if i will make it through now, my life is to oshort for this

Wen I get hit like this I lose all my power of concentration and my brain is just a sloppy, hissing ball of wrong

Really thinking I might have to go on some low dose of something just to get myself in one piece again..... not now, I will wait until ONE YEAR and then decide

I just cant do this anymore............if i difnt have the thought of going back to pills as a last resort i would be truly suicidal... but i knwo that the pills might nt work again and even if they did I would have this hell to look forwrad to agiain some day and so could never realy be happy

Will wreite more later if I stop fizzing and scxreaming and so on, it's just the kmnowlege that even when i am having a good window I still dont feel like I'm going towards anythign because there are some things that just arent getting better and that I can't live without. I wish I wasnt screaming it doesnt make me feel any betetr....

sorry about htis will write more later

[LCrawford67]

LL, I'm so sorry to hear this. Although I'm happy you're waiting for a full year, I can't even imagine what you're feeling now.

If you were to decide to go on a low dose of something, what would it be? Of course, I'm praying that's not what happens, but I'm just curious.

[Katesmom]

LL,

Very concerned about you. Hang in there. You know that it will get better. Know that your brain continues to heal even as you feel like crap.

[mscece]

LL, I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and know that this too will end. It will get better. As long as your alive there is hope.

[elisa]

Take it day by day LL, or even hour by hour, minute by minute. Don't think about tomorrow or next. I know easier said than done, been there like so many of us.

A few months later, you'll be happy that you didn't give in.

This too will pass... believe it or not. Take care of yourself, will ya?

[paxilgirl]

LL:

The 9th and 10th month was very loopy for me and it was difficult...hang in and take it moment by moment...that is all you can do.

We are here.

[babs]

I know how you feel, LL, but it WILL get better. Keep distracting yourself as much as you can and know that the healing is going on in spite of everything. I've had a lot of improvement in the last few weeks and I've been off 16 months. I thought it would never happen but it did.

[Gottabestrong]

pray and be strong, im coming up my one year and the last couple of months have been the worse..... but i feel great everyday knowing i no longer take the poison!! you are healing everyday so hang in there!!

[feelin'_wiggy]

I'm very concerned about you, too, LL. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[rdjanis]

Originally Posted by LossLeader

Really thinking I might have to go on some low dose of something just to get myself in one piece again..... not now, I will wait until ONE YEAR and then decide

I am glad you have chosen to wait. I think you will be pleasantly surprised giving yourself the time to heal. I remember well waiting and questioning if this was it for her. It is such a long process with the medical field telling one they are broken, it is hard to get through. It was around this mark we awaited the next episode to hit for my daughter and it just never came. Instead, the lack of concentration, the depression etc. all slowly started lifting, she gained her 'self' back. You will get there as well.

Take care.

[Llewdrac]

Originally Posted by LossLeader

my brain is just a sloppy, hissing ball of wrong

Worried about you too; you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I just love this phrase though... sums it up perfectly!

[altostrata]

Hang in LL. The landmarks -- one year, a birthday, etc -- are really hard because you expect some significant change.

Sadly, it doesn't happen like that but it DOES change. I was amazed when I turned the corner, I thought it would never end.

[LossLeader]

Feeling a bit better today... not good but better....

This is jumping around all over the place at the moment - three days of hell then a day of relative calm. It's weird... it's a lot stronger than the 5-month trough, but that one was constant - I felt dreadful ALL the time. This one comes and goes a bit more, but when it's bad it's REALLY bad - almost as bad as those first few months. I was really really frightened last night.

SOrry to dump such crazy unexpected stuff on everyone, but I was going out of my mind. I really really want to go without all meds from now on, but if I don't get any serious improvement by Christmas I might have to think about that tempting 5mg of prozac... enough to take the edge off, enough to "cure" the sexual problems for a while, enough to restore a bit of concentration, hopefully not enough to make me a zombie again, and hopefully not too much to taper off when the time comes. I'd really rather not... but my parents are going insane with worry and sadness, my friends are drifting away, and I simply can't function without being able to write properly (which is my job for heaven's sake) and without being able to have sex properly (which is my main pleasure in life).

Part of me thinks I owe it to myself to do whatever it takes to stabilise, even if that includes a low dose of a "gentler" SSRI, just becaise I'm at a starnge time in my life and can't afford to lose more than a year. Another part of me reacts against it very strongly, and wants to stay clean whatever the cost. Part of the problem is that I have no encouragement from within - I haven't seen any signs of the "real me" since stopping the pills. On the few good days, the best I can say is that I feel maybe 50% as good as I did in poop-out. The main fear is the lack of improvement with the sexual stuff, the premature ejaculation and semi-impotence (I think the latter is mood related rather than physical, because it comes and goes - no pun intended - but the former is DEFINITELY a physiological thing because it doesn't vary according to mood or situation, it just stays constant, and has done for almost a year).

Then there's the accidental baby which is being born in February assuming all goes without problems, to a woman I am friendly with but have no relationship with... a terrible situation, the mother is having a terrible time because she doesn't *really* want the child, she just couldn't face a termination. So she feels as though her life is over, and I feel so terrified of the situation that I can't get too close (or even think about it much) without having panic attacks. On the one hand, I don't want to be on SSRIs for the birth of this child. On the other, I don't want to be in this nightmare where I can't trust my feelings or my reactions - I'm literally terrified of how I might feel when the time comes.

A complete dilemma as regards the pills, and the knowledge that NEITHER option is a good one. WHat I do know is that, whatever happens, I will not go back on a standard dose of any SSRI for as long as I live. But I worry whether that is making me too casual about the idea of going on a very low dose... and even if I do, I'll feel as though the last year was all for nothing. On the other hand... if it would sort me out for now, and then when I finally tapered off that the withdrawal would not be as extreme... maybe it's worth it.

Just totally confused. And this is on a "good" day! I'm praying the terrors don't come back and get me again tonight....

[Katesmom]

I felt just flat terrible in month 10. By month 12, I felt really good. If you are putting off any decisions until Christmas, then put them off. It's okay to waver on how you feel, because you aren't making that decision right now.

Has the mom of your baby considered adoption?

[LCrawford67]

LL, you have to do what you feel is best for you. I can't even fathom the dilemma you're facing right now. But, I'm glad your day is better. I really want you to hold on, and I know you are till the year mark. But, I want you to seriously weigh the pros and cons of this whole year.

Even if you do have to go on a low dose of something, your struggle was not in vain! Don't think that way at all! You've come off of a horrible poision and won a huge battle. You have not failed in any way!

I'm sure the stress of the pregnancy is weighing heavily on your mind, this isn't helping your situation either. Has the mother considered adoption? Don't dwell on your feelings when the time comes. You have to take one day at a time and not play the "what if" game.

Being confused in this situation is perfectly normal, it being a "good" day has nothing to do with it.

[LossLeader]

Originally Posted by Katesmom

If you are putting off any decisions until Christmas, then put them off. It's okay to waver on how you feel, because you aren't making that decision right now.

Yep, this is my logic too.

Originally Posted by Katesmom

Has the mom of your baby considered adoption?

I don't think that would happen. I was adopted myself, and I got a call from the mom of my baby the other night, saying she'd been crying that morning because she thought about my natural mother and "how awful it must have been for her". So I guess she's considered it... and ruled it out completely. In all honesty, I don't think it would be good for me either - it's the actual existence of a child that freaks me out, not the fact of it being around... I think if anything is going to cure that, then it will be seeing and being with the child (although the sadness that I can't be there to raise it properly will never go away). I think if the child was adopted, I would probably feel worse about it myself. Also, I think a lot of my mental issues come from being adopted.... before SSRIs they weren't debilitating or life-threatening, they were just worries and insecurities... but they were there, obviously. I think I'd feel odd if I passed that down another generation.

[LCrawford67]

Hmm....well, my biological mother abandoned me at 6 months and my fraternal grandparents raised me. I have no issues, that I'm aware of, from that.

Creating a child doesn't make you a parent.

[LCrawford67]

This is something my mom gave to me when I was about 13:

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own.
Never forget, for one single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

[Katesmom]

Gotcha. Yep, it's very difficult to imagine how life will be with a future child, even one that is wanted and planned. They are little dictators. It's amazing how you just fall into line with meeting their immediate needs for the first couple of years of their lives. Every parent just has to do their best to do that. You really can't do any better than your best. Things have a way of working themselves out. It's hard to see that when you are in the middle of the worst part, but it's true.

[LossLeader]

LC - I never really had any issues with my adoptive parents, who were probably all I could have asked for. And I never felt anything negative towards my natural mother, who was obviously in a terrible situation. I think it's just a weird sense of rootlessness and confused identity, which I could never really explain. Ha, I'm such a good candidate for therapy... shame I still haven't been given an appointment with a therapist, despite presenting as suicidal last November. Things move slow in the National Health Service...

Kim - My rationale is that here in the city, probably 50% of children are born into something other than a "standard" family, often with parents who are less responsible and less caring than us, and they don't all grow up wrong! I'm not really scared of something going terribly wrong, more of a kind of sadness that I can't even define. That and the terror of how it will affect my sense of identity - which has been crushed by w/d (I really needed to get back to the person I was, before I could recover... but now I have to get "back" to a completely new person with new responsiblities... very scary).

[LossLeader]

ohhh god now it's alternating days

calmed down yesterday a bit until bedtime when i got hit with crying fits

today i am horrible................ CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

dont knwo what to do..... thi s is as bad as the early days - hwo long does this 9/10 month relapse usually last? I feel like if i get back to semi-stable i can make better decisions

although i feel like it's a foregone conclusion that i will end up on some poison again, just bvecause i cannot face loss of my sex life forever, i think i could tyake it if that wasn't an issue..... the other stuff i could work through

no incentive to g o forward just back to when i could function - just

[LCrawford67]

My heart aches for you and I have no wise words of wisdom to share. LL, you have to do what you have to do. We're here to support you, no matter what.

[Katesmom]

Loss,

The bad days come and go. Try to enjoy the okay days when they are here. I know that is sort of makes it that much more disheartening when you feel bad. Just keep biding your time. The healing in your body continues even when you feel terrible. I'm so sorry that this is so terrible for you.