11th month, can't take it anymore, please talk to me

[katyajini]

I was slowly getting better, not over it, but lighter.

Then from August 1st, (my 10th month) like in a flash of lightening something happened to me. Without any emotional triggers that I can tell, I began to have episodes of the most violent anger and rage that would last for hours. And they would alternate with the most heart wrenching crying and despair I can ever remember. I have only experienced this kind of uncontrolled, explosive emotion when I first dropped to zero. Never ever before in my life have I felt like this or behaved like this. I hurt my innocent children and my husband. (As if just seeing me out of control angry, crying and screaming like this isn't hurt enough.) And I embarrased myself in my neihborhood. After hours and hours I would drop in a crumpled heap on my bed but never really sleep.

Then there is horrific morning anxiety again. It has become so bad that I keep asking my husband just to crush my skull in so that I can find escape. There does not seem to be anything I can do to quell the anxiety. Nothing. No cold showers, no massage, no medication. For a while I could fall asleep for about three hours then I would be woken up by terror going through me, but I didn't always know what the thought was behind it. Sometimes I would wake up and could feel the muscles of my neck, jaw, back and arms tightening as though I am experiencing intense rage but I am not angry. Sometimes I would wake up and the muscles of my chest, shoulders, back and arms would be constricting one after another as if I am experiencing mind boggling anxiety, but I am not worried at the time. Occasionally the muscles contract so hard that I get the feeling of pinched nerves along my arms. Many times the bodily symptoms are accompanied by unbearable emotion.

My brain just misfires as if I am experiencing negative emotions when there are no emotions. But my body feels all the stress.

Often these physological manifestations of anxiety and anger break out on me during the middle of the day when I am trying to work. Sometimes I can't breath. Sometimes my muscles are so tight I can't move and I am drained after a few hours of it. Then there is the burning sensation all over my body. The muscle tightness and burning eventually makes my skin so numb that when I pour cold water over myself i can no longer feel the water roll on my skin.

Lately, and I have not had this before, I am having the most intractable insomnia. I can't take most medication, they just give me side effects so there is nothing I can do. I am taking Unisom for a few days. It does not put me to sleep just sedates me a little bit. The early morning anxiety just tears through it anyway.

Through all of this, in August, I found out that I am pregnant. This wave of symptoms was not precipitated by conception but started before I got pregnant. Now as I write I am going through a miscarriage. I can't help but think that all the stress my body was feeling led to the miscarriage. This is written so easily, but it is devastating me.

Somewhere inside of me it felt great to be have a baby again. But at the same time all I was experiencing was anxiety, agitation and terror. I want to be happy. I so want feel happy and relaxed again. But there all this unrelenting agony going through my body and brain all the time that I think I will never be able to relax enough to feel the joy of holding my new born child. Well, now there is no baby. Or slow down enough to enjoy any of the things that make people happy, my children, my garden or a gentle fall day.

And you know, I can't stop. I have so much responsibilty at work. School has started again. And I am the principal bread winner.

Is this what is to be the rest of my life? Every three to four months will come these waves of psychosis then die down a little only to crush me down again? I had thought from this site that the symptoms come in waves but in the subsequent waves the rage, anxiety etc were of lowered magnitude. If in the 11th month I can experience something so strong, then I probably haven't gotten any better and, it hurts to say this, probably am doomed to remain in this state post drugs. I had also thought that things start to improve by 9-10 months. For me, things are only getting worse.

This constant pain, the feeling that I am doomed to never know peace and happiness again and the loss of my pregnancy, I just want to dissappear for ever and cry myself into some kind of end. Only right now I am so dry.

Please help me get through this moment.

Thanks.


Katyajini

[LCrawford67]

Katy, were you on Paxil, or something else? What was your dose? How did you taper?

You know, we see posts like this all the time. I don't know what it is about getting to that one year mark that's so horrific for some.

[Lilly]

First off I am sorry about your miscarriage Katy. That must be devastating to you and your family. Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe now is just not the time for this to happen.

Those phsycotic rages are the worst, I know. I had them too in w/d afterwards there was terrible anxiety and depression. I hated myself for doing those things, which I know know were uncontrolable.

But I can tell you that you will not have to live this way forever. I know it feels that way right now to you, but I am proof you do not. You are not doomed. I have made it to the other side of all of this and I am fine now and I did not improve in that time. Others might have and there others that have not. Everyones w/d is different. Mine took 2 1/2 years but I made it and I am very glad.

And you will be able to relax after all this if you stay away from the drugs. Maybe then it might be time to think of another baby.

My heart bleeds for you right now!
Lilly

[Light]

Katyajini,

I am so sorry you are struggling so and for the miscarriage that you are experiencing. That is more than anyone should have to face at one time. That you continue to fight after all of these months and years is a testament to your considerable strength. These are not empty words... I am actually astounded at your strength. You have been tested in the most difficult way and you continue to fight. It might at times seem meaningless and hopeless but I believe that there is a life for you on the other side of this and that years from now this experience will have profound personal meaning.

In terms of encouraging you, the exacerbation that your are having at 10/11 months isn't that out of the ordinary. I can tell you that my rage started to let up at about month 14 and has improved quite a bit. I also haven't had any morning terror at all for more than two months. My sleep is better. I am worrying less. There are other improvements. There are others here too who didn't experience much improvment at all until a year or later.

I know it's hard to believe this when you have suffered for so long and so consistently but almost nothing we experience is permenant. You will work through the grief that you are experiencing now and these horrid symptoms will slowly and fitfully ease up. My best guess is that you have a ways to go but that you will see some improvement in the next few months. I've never known of anybody who has gotten stuck with the morning anxiety, and rage.... Hang in there and trust in the genius of the body to slowly repair itself.

Warmly,

[Iksfreundin]

Oh, Katy,
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Many people say that they get rebound problems, and usually at specific months, but that does NOT make this easier for you to bear.
Have you spoken with a doctor about these things? Have you been tested for anything? I ask because a lot of it sounds like it could be biological. If you can fight your way through, if you can live hour to hour for just a little more time, you may find some relief.
You are in a lot of mental anguish, and if you DIDN'T feel angry or anxious, I would worry. Because we're told doctors can fix everything, we often want to deny ourselves of the entire human experience. But all of the things you mention are NOT normal. I hope you, and your husband, are getting some counselling, and please stay in touch with us. You need support. We are just one avenue you can get it from.

[Katesmom]

I am so sorry you are trying to cope with so much at one time. The miscarriage must be devastating.

For me, months 9-11 were, next to the first couple of months, the absolute worst of my withdrawal. I also felt like I was back to square one. I was low, both physically and emotionally. It passed; and, when it did, I felt better than I had before the 'relapse.' Just because you feel terrible doesn't mean the healing has halted; it continues despite it. These cycles are normal and typical. They do eventually stop cycling around again. Hang in.

[elisa]

I haven't had a cycle yet of feeling good.... Hope it'll come along soon.

I feel so sorry for you having to go to that tragic event of having had a miscarriage. It was probably not meant for you right now.

You know that ssri's are hormone distruptors, and hormone changes start to occur also at the moment of conception. So, the trauma of losing your bay, the hormonal imbalance created by the med and the withdrawl seems to be at their highest at this time for you.

Hope your hormones will adapt soon again in a good way and that you will soon have it over and done with.

[paxilgirl]

The three to four month wave seems to be a common element in our withdrawal experiences, with some experiencing more than others.....I too had waves of anxiety and derpression and just plain hard to deal with life issues during this time, and I too was teaching.....

I'm so sorry for your loss as I know how devastating that can be and yet another thing to worry about. Don't blame yourself for any wrong doing...in the end, you'll see that maybe it was something that wasn't meant to be at this point in time.....

Hugs to you.

[babs]

Katy, I'm so sorry all this is happening to you. I can tell you that I still felt horrible at 1 year off; in fact, things have only very recently started to improve and I am 16 months off now. It does get better ... I know it's hard to believe. I've been where you are, thinking I was doomed for life, but that is just the depression talking. It doesn't feel like it but your body continues to heal through all of this. Keep the faith that you are slowly but surely progressing toward recovery. Hugs to you.

[katyajini]

Thank you everybody, Lilly, Light, terrap420, Katesmom, elisa, paxilgirl, babs806, thank you very, very much for replying. I know all of you have suffered greatly too and continue to suffer. Thank you for comforting me and reassuring me. I do hope this passes relatively soon.

I am so tired right now.

I will write again.

katyajini

[tybr61]

Katy

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And I know it doesn't make it better, but you are not alone. I had the most horrible anxiety that started at 9 months off Paxil. The mornings were the worst. I couldn't sleep past 4 a.m. and woke with the most terrifying feeling of anxiety. Like I needed to run for my life. My worst time of withdrawal was months 9-11. It peaked at the 11 month mark, then it very, very slowly got better. I am at 14 months off this week and the last month has been MUCH better.

I feel for you so much.

[scotty]

Katy, my heart goes out to you. As you know there is no timeline for this. Know that you are not alone... we're always here for you!

[punky]

Katyajini,

Words really can't express just how sorry I am for your loss. You are going through such a horrific time. I wish I had some words or something to ease your pain, but I know that there really isn't anything that could possibly touch what you are feeling right now. This is true that you are not alone in this tragedy or in your withdrawl. Please post once you are feeling up to it. I hope you are able to get some rest tonite.

[dave]

I remember my 11 mth stage, exactly the same EXACTLY! Stick through it goes! As awful as what you have been through is, what you are feeling is amplified by this drug.

Im so sorry i dont know what to say. Except this will pass and you will look at this time through different eyes one day. Don let this drug claim you!

Eat regluarly even if you have to force food down you because this drug affects our blood sugar. Low blood sugar makes you feel much, much worse.


I still have difficult times but we learn to handle them better once we are through the effects of this awful drug. If you arent taking fish oil take it, Im going to stick my neck out and recomend veg EPA at 2000mg for the first 3 mths. It will have a dramatic effect.

Good luck we are al here for you. You can do this!!

dave

[katyajini]

Light,

I can't thank you enough for encouraging me like this. There are moments when I cannot remember people have gotten better. The overwhelming intensity of the symptoms makes you out of touch with any reality. I know how long and how hard you have suffered. For you to think I am being strong means a lot. I am really happy for you that so many symptoms are edging out. That is just absolutely great!

Today I saw my psychiatrist. He really believes this is just my old sympyoms returning and that I am progressing in my list of psychiatric diseases. OH man!


I am hoping tonight that a few months down the road I will feel a little more tranquil and maybe a liitle more normal.

very very gratefully,

katyajini

[katyajini]

Katesmom,

Thank you for reminding me that is was terrible for you too at the 9-11 month stage. I had forgotten that. And it is deeply heartening that after that flare up things actually settled down to a better-than-before. I don't know if that will be the path of my healing but it is certainly something to hold on to. I am trying to believe I am healing.

And thank you for comforting me about the pregnancy. I just can't go there anymore.

Katyajini

[katyajini]

tybr61,

Thank you. I am sorry that you suffered all that badly as well. It is reassuring that the 9 month time is cataclysmic like for some of us. It just means the healing is proceeding on schedule. I just cannot take the mornings anymore though. But you have gotten better. And somehow I just make it through this. I am getting some hope from all the replyies. All the best to you!

Katyajini

[katyajini]

punky,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I know how badly you have suffered and are continuing to suffer, and you have young children too. Hang in there with me!


Katyajini

[katyajini]

dave,

Thank you. It is amazing how many of us had rough spot at this 9-11 month stage. I am sticking it out.

Take care.

Katyajini

[mom2one]

Katyajini,
I am really sorry for your loss. I know how devastating a miscarriage can be. You feel sadness because their was such hope filled inside of you, yet stressful because of the unknown. Speaking from experience, the emotional wound will heal, but the memory will stay. It isn't really something forgotten. Just a question, that if you don't want to answer it's understandable, but have you spoken to someone through therapy? It's helpful after a miscarriage to get support. IMO especially now since you have so much going on... my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.