"Mom? Can your mouth smile???"

[Caroline]

Man, this is one tough ride. Our sweet little boy came up to me while I was sitting on the couch last night and placed his fingers on either side of my mouth, pushing the corners up, and very seriously asked, "Mom, can your mouth smile?" He asked in a tone like my mouth was broken and simply couldn't smile. Ouch!! Did this ever cut through my heart.

I'm brutally aware that I don't smile much at all. The guilt is all-consuming. This withdrawal business is wearing me down ......... just a mild rant....... thanks for being here, I'd be lost without you all.

[Delynbetter]

Those are the wake-up calls. Had plenty of them. Lots of hugs & kisses to him. How old is he?

[LCrawford67]

That's precious, Caroline. Delyn's right....those are the wake up calls.

[Homerbcool]

..but dont use these real life wake up calls to build up the plate of guilt etc..use it postiviely to get rid of that plate and all the other plates too...I mean bottom line, we are here to deal with and raise children..tha is our number one responisbility on this planet..in my opinion

[Caroline]

Delyn....... I was actually viewing your myspace earlier when an overwhelming feeling came over me to post. I was looking at the photos of your beautiful children realizing that I never take pictures anymore.

We have boxes and boxes of pictures, but very few taken since my journey through the lense of SSRI's. The whole thing just makes me sad.

Our guy is 9 and we also have a 16-year old son. I'm praying that a new and improved mom will emerge from this wreckage. But I know I have to do the hard work to make it happen.

[Nybbler]

I know exactly how that feels. When I was a brand-new Mom and I was reading those "baby books", I got a lot of grief and guilt over being a "depressed Mom." They likened it to child abuse because according to them "a depressed mother is too self-centered to provide adequate nurturing." cough cough <BS> cough Now those baby books are at the Goodwill but the damage is done. <hangs head>

Keep fighting the good fight! Be happy that you are taking care of this NOW, when your son is little. You and he both have a miles of smiles waiting for you in the future.

[Caroline]

Aahhh, Homer, yes the plate of guilt. Mine's piled high with second servings.

[rdjanis]

Caroline, down the road you will be smiling tons for your child.... it is true what they say "truth out of the mouth of babes". But, that doesn't have to mean guilt comes into play, it means that mom is finding her way through so she can smile freely down the road.

[LCrawford67]

Rita stated it beautifully, Caroline. Look at the light at the end of the tunnel.

[babs]

I told my daughter before she left for college that the one good thing about her leaving is, she doesn't have to see me depressed any more. It's been extremely hard on her the last couple of years, during poop-out, taper and withdrawal, and hard on me too because her usual reaction to seeing me depressed is anger. Just hard all the way around. The guilt is horrible, isn't it? And now they've got all those TV commercials out there, really playing it up .. "Who does depression hurt? Everyone," etc. No wonder people are popping the pills like candy.

[ssrisstink]

Caroline,

Oh boy, that one must have hurt. I think though that a caring, aware parent is the most important ingredient to raise a happy child, despite any problems we may have. Any mother can have medical problems, so don't blame yourself. If we had cancer or something more tangible, the sympathy and understanding from the outside world would be much greater I think and our guilt less. Have you given your son a simple explanation as to what is going on, and that you know you will be feeling better in the future?

Having gone thru Klonipin w/d and now Zoloft w/d and being a parent myself I can relate. I tell my children I was given "bad medicine" by ignorant doctors and though they tire of hearing it, that is the truth and it is NOT my fault. I am almost always capable of telling them I love them and listening, OFF the medication I have more empathy, so those "depression hurts everyone even the family dog" commercials really tick me off. I guess they want you to be "so high on meds you don't bring anyone down but gosh I don't care about a word you have to say or you really because I can feel nothing".

Get rid of the guilt and pat yourself on the back for taking the harder but better route.

Good luck,
sandy

[Ginger]

"bad medicine" by "ignorant doctors" , in my mind that describes every paxil script.
Caroline, being a parent is the most humbling experience possible. we do the best we can and love with all of our heart. and like the bible says, love covers a multitude of sins. love is the medicine that overcomes our humanity.

[Chrysalis]

Ginger wrote: "we do the best we can and love with all of our heart. and like the bible says, love covers a multitude of sins. love is the medicine that overcomes our humanity."

That is beautiful, Ginger.....

Margaret

[LCrawford67]

Wow....that is beautiful, Ginger.

[Chrysalis]

LOL, great minds think alike, eh, Laurie C?

Margaret

[Delynbetter]

Caroline, all of those pictures that you see on there are from the past year and a couple of months. I have very few pictures of anything while I was on Paxil. What pictures I do have from that time, I don't really remember anything special about them if I remember at all.

Just know that over time your awareness of what is going on around you will heighten. You will begin to feel about things that have gone unnoticed or ignored because we were too tired and just numb.

Thanks for compliments. I rarely go anywhere without my camera now. I hate that I missed a year of their lives and it won't happen again. Hugs to you!

[Caroline]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I appreciate it so much! I know guilt is such a waste of energy, so I'll try not to beat myself up too much about the guilt, and concentrate more on simply loving and know that will be enough!

[kathy2731]

Caroline, I work with three year old children. I cannot act cranky or crabby. I also have four kids 16 - 27 and 1 fabulous son in law and a husband. They don't deserve to see me in a cranky mood. I plaster the fake smile on in the morning for the sake of everybody and before you know it, I actually am smiling and laughing for real. You know that expression "if you look good, you feel good"? Well, I try to live it everyday. I am not always successful, but because everyone sees how hard I am trying to be pleasant, they forgive me those few times when I just need to be by myself. I weigh every word that comes out of my mouth, because when this is over, I want all my friends and family to still be there. If I feel myself getting nasty, I tell myself "shutup" and either to say something else or don't talk at all. A lot of the people I work with say that I have gotten much quieter in the last few months. I make a joke of it and tell them "trust me...for the moment, this is a good thing" Try and find something joyous everyday to celebrate. No matter how small it is.