Sex problem - help!

[angelchoc]

I have been off paxil for a year now and feeling good. Withdrawal symptoms long since gone. Today I am here for another reason, I have a problem that I can't talk to anyone about and it's killing me. I have been with my husband for 13 years and we have always had some sort of sex problem. In the begining he had impotence and he couldn't get it up for months then once we overcame that he had (and still has) premature ejaculation where he can only last under a minute. When we were younger (I met him when I was 20, I am now 33) we used to go out all the time at weekends and enjoyed a good social life and so I just thought that "sex isn't everything" and I ended up marrying him. We now have 2 kids 7 and 5 who we both adore but obviously the social side of our relationship is not the same as it was. When I was on Paxil I didn't care about sex and we hardly ever done it so the problem was swept under the carpet for 3 years. Now I want a sex life and I am so frustrated. We have tried everything and I am coming to realise that this problem is not going to improve and I feel so trapped and guilty because how can I put my kids through their mum and dad splitting up? I know what you are thinking, the same as everyone thinks "there are other ways to climax without penetration" well not for me I'm afraid. I have tried beleive me but I just can't. I am one of these people who has to actually have penetrative sex to climax. I have tried everything manual, oral, toys, etc... I just can't do it that way and it makes me feel inadequate that I can't when other women can. If I could then there would not be a problem but I can't and so it is a big problem.

We have both attended a sex therapist and done all the relevant stop/start, squeeze techniques but to no avail. At the moment they have put him on AD's in order to help with his premature ejaculation issues. They have put him on Citalopram 20mg which he has been taking for about 5 months. They said it could take 3 months before there was any difference and so far no change, he has just went up to 30mg but I am not hopeful. Plus I don't want him to have to take AD's after what I went through on Paxil.

I have hardly been able to look at him the last week. I am just so so sorry, I know I am coming across as aggressive and that's they way I feel. I feel cheated of a sex life with the man I love. And I do love him I look at him the same way as I did 13 years ago, we never argue, we enjoy each other's company in or out. We are both committed to giving our boys the best life we can provide, we both work hard, mortage, etc.. But what have I got to look forward to at the end of the week?? I can't plan a romantic night because it always ends in disaster. Instead of bringing us closer together it drives us apart like you wouldn't beleive. I usually end up crying and he just feels like sh t. You might think I am unsympathetic but nothing could be further from the truth. I have supported him for 13 years and have not been able to confide in anyone and now I just don'e think I can take any more.

Things are so bad that I have been contemplating suicide rather than split my family up. Even if we did split up we would probably have to sell the family home which would devastate the kids. I would rather die that hurt any of them, my husband included. But I think now it's time to face facts but it's really hard and I don't know what to do.

[rdjanis]

Originally Posted by angelchoc

They have put him on Citalopram 20mg which he has been taking for about 5 months. They said it could take 3 months before there was any difference and so far no change, he has just went up to 30mg but I am not hopeful. Plus I don't want him to have to take AD's after what I went through on Paxil.

He is already taking them, and your right, taking them for this problem is ridiculous. Other than therapy has your husband seen a 'medical' specialist for this problem? If so, what were the results?

Things are so bad that I have been contemplating suicide rather than split my family up.

Suicide is splitting up the family, only it leaves a huge impact on the children, something they have to live with years after one is gone.

IMO, I would guess your husband feels pretty crappy about all this which does not help the problem either. I would have a full medical completed again if it has already been done, with a doc that specializes in this area.

I also want to say that withdrawal symptoms do not sound like they are long gone as suggested in your post. The physical can leave, but the emotions are raw for quite some time, it is normal for these moods to still be around at the one year mark. The fact that you suggest you don't want to hurt the family so you choose suicide shows that you are not thinking rationally... please seek some outside help.

Take care.

[kathy2731]

You say you are "both committed to giving your boys the best life we can" and then you turn around and say you don't want to upset the kids by splitting up? Then you talk about contemplating suicide? And you don't think that is going to "upset the family". You also talked about going into this marriage fully aware what you were getting on the sexual end. You have changed the rules in the middle of the game. Now all of a sudden it is important to you to have a sex life? No wonder your husband feels like sh-t as you say. He's totally confused and probably in a panic. How can you stand by and allow him to take an AD after what you have been through? All for sex???? I am sorry if I am coming on a little strong, but one of my sons best friends just found out her father hung himself in the garage because he couldn't face the end of his marriage. How nice. He's got no worries, but he left an absolutely devestated and now guiltridden wife and three heartbroken little girls. Rita is right on. You are not thinking clearly right now. You do need outside help, but not for sex therapy.

[LCrawford67]

While I can sympathize and understand the frustration you're feeling, you're husband is feeling the same frustration you are. To top things off, he's probably more humiliated than you'll ever know. Everyone deserves a good marriage and sex life, but this isn't something new to either of you. You've had this problem for years and it's never been an issue until now. I don't think it's fair to your family that you're contemplating splitting up or suicide over such a thing.

Think about it....suicide because you can't have a "good" sex life? Divorce, even though you say you love your husband, because of sex? You're willing to tear apart your entire family over sex? You think killing yourself would be better than selling your home, because your kids would be devastated? What kind of thought process is that?

You're right, you do need to face the facts, you're contemplating ruining lives because of your sexual needs. As much as I love sex, it ain't that great to destroy my family's lives. I think you should seek some therapy so you can deal with this issue.

I'm not trying to offend, so I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you truly do need to think about what you're saying.

[angelchoc]

I know that I am not thinking rationally that is the reason why I have not killed myself. I know how selfish that would be and would never do it for my boys' sake, but inside I hate myself so much for being so selfish. I know it's not fair me "changing the rules" halfway into the game but things have changed a lot since then as I said.

The sex therapist we seen was reffered by his GP and we waited almost a year for the appointment. So we have tried our best to sort this out. They say it's a mental problem and not a physical one so things like viagra are no use. It is true that this is basically all about my sexual needs which is easy for someone to say if they have never had any problems, but I have.

I really appreciate you guys replying to this, I knwo it's a delacate subject. Has no one ever experienced problems like this. Am I the only one?

[LCrawford67]

I think we've all experienced our fair share of sexual problems, due to AD use. I can't answer for everyone, but your case is a bit extreme in my opinion. Don't hate yourself for your feelings, just don't let them get the best of you.

I know they say it's a "mental" problem, but have the docs even tried Viagra? How do you know if they haven't even tried it? Being labled as having a "mental problem" because of sexual dysfunction, can't be helping your husband either. That can only make him feel worse, I'd think.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

I know they say it's a "mental" problem, but have the docs even tried Viagra? How do you know if they haven't even tried it? Being labled as having a "mental problem" because of sexual dysfunction, can't be helping your husband either. That can only make him feel worse, I'd think.

So to "treat" this mental problem they put him on a drug that will ensure diminished sexual function??? This is makes NO sense at all.

[LossLeader]

If the Citalopram has not helped his premature ejaculation in 5 months, it's not going to. The answer is not to put the dose up, it's to STOP taking it before he ends up with withdrawal on top of everything else. If the Citalopram 20mg hasn't worked, the more obvious (but still bad) answer would be to switch to another AD, not up the dose. But the truth is, if SSRIs don't fix PE in 5 months, they're just not going to. Most of us who have had delayed ejaculation on SSRIs found that these symptoms arrived within days. I don't know anyone who only started to experience delayed ejaculation after 5 months, and I can't see how it could possibly suddenly happen now.

You say "Viagra wouldn't help" - Viagra does nothing for PE anyway, only for impotence. In terms of impotence, it's nonsense to say "it's a mental problem, not a physical one so Viagra wouldn't work", because you have to try it first. All sorts of different people have been helped by Viagra, or not helped, and it doesn't necessarily depend on whether the problem is supposed to be 'mental' or 'physical'. If Viagra doesn't work, there are other impotence meds to try.

Even though these don't help PE, only impotence, they allow men to have sex more often than usual. In other words, a man can take a Viagra at 8pm, have an orgasm at 9pm, then have sex again at 10pm - and the second time, it can often last longer. NO guarantee, but it certainly *might* work. Worth a try, perhaps?

I have had the same problems as your husband - completely as a result of SSRI withdrawal. I never had serious sexual problems before or during SSRIs, but since I stopped I have had premature ejaculation AND occasional impotence. If the citalopram isn't helping, he must stop NOW. The longer he takes it, the more chance there is that his problems will get worse when he stops. The higher the dose, the more likely it is. He should start tapering as soon as possible.

As for a long term solution, I'm afraid I can't help - because if I had a solution, I'd be a happy man myself. If the doctors say it's a mental problem (which it does sound like), then perhaps hypnotherapy? Ultimately, whether these things are caused by SSRI withdrawal or whether they occur naturally, the key is ANXIETY. The more desperate a man feels, the worse these problems will get - however hard he's trying to sort them out. The only way to fix them is to reduce anxiety and alter the instinctive reaction of the brain. I have no simple solution, but I do know that if SSRIs aren't working, it's time to get off SSRIs.

Also, your husband will be desperately, desperately humiliated right now. I know that you will be bearing this in mind, but please don't lose sight of it. You CAN stay together with him and improve your love life, but the road to disaster starts when people feel humiliated and don't see a way out. The less of an issue this appears to be - in other words, the more relaxed you can keep yourselves - the better the chance it will get better.