me, lately

[Iksfreundin]

This time, the wean is going differently. I had a much, much shorter window of feeling okay. Headaches come at 5 pm, and this one started yesterday and hasn't gone anywhere. I know these have to be from the paxil, because xanax calms them down a large amount and makes them either manageable or they disappear. Very cross and irritated, and anxiety attacks like none I've experienced in a long time. Actually had one I couldn't control on Monday, and though I didn't take anything for it (I had xanax on hand but didn't want to do that), I couldn't get it under control - I was so pale, trembly, and jumpy my prof told me I should just go home (she has also been through an unpleasant paxil withdrawal). Yesterday had bad anxiety all day, heartrate erratic, couldn't enter the door to one of my classes. All much more sudden than ever before.

Starting to get the feeling I'm never going to get all the thesis work done, and even if I do it will be bad. Starting to fear the multiple presentations that I have to give on my research - not for the presentation itself, but of my unsure stomach and heavy-beating heart. Fearing it this early is very bad. I'm worried. Trying NOT to be, but am anyway.

Feeling like it's unsurmountable, even though I have to do it anyway. What I wouldn't give for a forced coma until it's all over!

[Homerbcool]

Terra..I left you this message under Joannes thread in the lounge..please dont be frightened, this is a window slamming shut..another one is about to open to beautiful sunshine..I promise!!!

now here is the message I left for you in Joannes thread...

(((((((((((((HOMIE HUG)))))))))))))

[eileen]

Terra, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time, especially now, when you have so much work to get done. I don't know how you girls manage to get graduate degrees and withdraw from Paxil. Your only a little over two weeks since your last cut. Perhaps you should put it back up some, until you get all your heavy work done.
I'm saying some prayers for you and I hope this will pass quickly.
eileen

[jeanie]

Terra, so sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. I bet ithese symptoms will subside within the next day or two. Don't worry, you will get thru this! You have been a great motivator for me!!
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[LCrawford67]

Awww...Terra, I hate that you're feeling this way. I agree with Eileen, do you think you should bump it back up till the heavy workload is over?

[Iksfreundin]

How can I go back up? Poop-out will just track me down again, just like it does every single drop. In two weeks, I'd be exactly where I am now - and then, I'll have farther to go again.

[LCrawford67]

But, weren't you feeling pretty good at 4?

[Homerbcool]

terra...here isi the answer I got when asking the same kind of questions a year ago..

There is no quarantee that going up will help...in poop out..the only way is down...it sucks, but knowing the truth is important..

[Casey1231]

Terra,

I'm sorry you're feeling crappy, you are a big inspiration for me here at PP. I don't have much to offer other than "this too shall pass." Are you a fan of yoga? I find that the combination of deep slow breathing, mindfulness, and stretching to be very beneficial. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Casey

[nicemom]

Your taper has gone very, very well. Its just a rough spot. It stinks that it comes at such a bad time. I'm sorry your going through it and I know it sucks. The lower dose seems to really be wreaking havoc with your body. I would not go up but would be more inclined to stick where you are at for awhile.

Try to get as muc sleep as you need. I wonder how much of the stress from your project is possibly bringing this on. I feel your pain just reading what you are going through. Its scary and frustrating. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) What have you done for yourself lately? Can you take a day off all the pressure and do something you love doing? I'm sorry and wish I had an answer for you.

[Iksfreundin]

I really don't feel I have the option of going up, since it is only a short respite and then I'll feel the exact same as now, only with more to drop. And even then, I'm not sure if going up would do anything other than make me more miserable, since I have been tolerant of the drug for years. I'm just not willing to make a guess and try it!

As for doing something I enjoy, I can't. I pretty much only enjoy reading right now, and the consistant headaches make it too difficult. I can't get out of my house; I can't travel; I can't go shopping or out for lunch or dinner. It's the headaches and back pain that make most things too hard. And, if I try to take time out, I just feel guilty and feel like I'm falling behind in school already! Like, right now, I'm supposed to be in an important class, but a residual migraine (that won't respond to any meds) is lingering about in my head. And I forced myself to do some research for my thesis last night, but it only heightened the migraine and made me dizzy. ACK! I guess I just want to *****, because I shouldn't even be on the computer NOW, I know it's just going to keep the headache around. But then, I wouldn't be doing any work for the future (or able to gripe), and that makes me feel like I'm losing control over my load for school.

[Homerbcool]

terra...you kow that you need to take care of you..the inside you, not the outside one that includes school and all else ..piling on the guilt trip will only make everything thatmuch worse...easier said then done..perhaps, but take the time now for you, yuo are till young, you can make up for lost time at school..but an unhealthy you, is an unporductive you...

(((((((HOMIE HUG))))))))

[Gem]

I just wanted to say I m sorry you are going through this Terra & that I m thinking of you. Your posts on this board have really inspired me too. You will come through this, Gem xxx

[summer bee]

oh terra. i am so sorry that you feel so awful! is there anything that you can do to work with the presentation dates/times/etc for school? any chance you can postpone things (if necessary)?

[nicemom]

I know exactly what you are saying Terra. I have just been in your spot and you feel stuck and angry. And I think we feel that way because we have no control over what is going on. There is nothing I can say that is going to make it better and my heart aches for you because of that. We all know that w/d is horrid and we have all been, or will be at one time, in the same spot you are. There is no magic that can be done here and it breaks my heart that you are in that helpless spot. There is not one dang thing that I can tell you to try or a piece of wisdom that I can share that will take away what you are going through. I DO know that when we hit a rough patch like this we tend to get angry, probably because of the helplessness, and the same advice we give to each other doesn't always take that anger away. But here goes anyhow, ride it out and try not to let the anger consume you. The anxiety is temporary, the physical symptoms are temporary.

The best we can all do for each other is to support one another until we get through these rough patches. Know that you are not alone and my heart is with you. I send you a KISS and a HUG and hope for peace within you.

[rdjanis]

Terra, I'm going to give you my opinion for what it's worth. I wouldn't drop any more and stay where you are until the pressures of school is done with. Whether or not you are in poop out, your brain is still used to the medication and adjusting, you just don't get the benefits from the medication if you know what I mean.

Set aside extra time to relax, even if only once a day you clear your mind of everything for at least 15 minutes. Worrying about school, feeling like crap, worrying about feeling like crap is triggering worse symptoms.

Wish I could offer more. I so want you to make it through this school year if at all possible. I know how hard you work. So my suggestion would be to stop weaning for now until the school year is done. It is not so far off.

[Amaya's Nana]

Oh Terra, if I could take your place I would!!!!!! I'm so sorry honey that this is really starting to suck. You are such a beautiful soul. Hang in there baby.........it will get better.

Big Hugs to you and I'll be praying for you!

[Iksfreundin]

Thanks everyone. All I want to do is just stay at a dose! But, the way withdrawal comes back with a vengence and doesn't let up once I've been on that dose for awhile - it isn't plausible, and perhaps even impossible, to remain at a dose. I'm just so exhausted from the back pain, headaches, weird sleeping patterns, and anxiety. I know I'll rebound. I'm just tired right now.

[tybr61]

Ohhh Terra! I'm sorry. You have been doing so well with the taper. I agree with Rita. I think you should stay right where you are for a long while. That way once you stabilize on this dose you can get through your school stuff. You have had these rough spots before through withdrawal but you seem to get through them and feel better. Hugs to you while you struggle with this but I think better days are just around the corner. Then stay at that spot until you get done with this semester.

[babs]

Big ((((hugs))) to you, Terra. It sucks to be in such a rough place, but know that it will pass. You are young and resilient and smart and have such a positive attitude. Better days are ahead.

[Iksfreundin]

Again, guys, thanks for the responses.

I had a bad couple of days. Today, I finally think I got rid of the worst of the headache, and spent a few hours talking to someone on the phone (which is why I'm up late). We discussed how late I used to stay up (it was an ex-boyfriend I was talking to); how I was never in bed before sunrise on most occasions. After I got off the phone, I prepared for bed, thinking of how tired I was - - and I think part of the answer for my feeling bad the last few days finally came to me. I had to write it down before I slept.

At least since age 19, I have been an insomniac. Sleep clinics told me it was from the paxil, but I didn't do sleep tests until I was 23. It started slowly in my teens: a few late nights staying up to drink or hang out with friends. I thought it was from the drinking then; but I quit drinking at age 21, and the insomnia worsened. My usual sleep schedule was to stay awake anywhere from 30-55 hours and then sleep anywhere from 12-20 hours. That was normal - and I laughed when I heard that if you were awake for a certain amount of time it was dangerous and you'd go nuts, because I was always awake for days and then crashed. I held jobs; went to school; dated; partied. It became my norm, the weird sleep schedule was normal to me. Sleeping nightly was not something I'd done for a long time, up until this past June. Before June of 06, I did not sleep every night, and sometimes skipped two nights.

I think I'm finally rested up. I've been sleeping nightly for months now, and I think that the rest has doubled my body's assault. Back pain? Well, I'm lying down every night and resting instead of collapsing from exhaustion every few days. Anxiety? This is something new to my body. Constant rest? DAILY? Who knew? It certainly didn't remember it until lately. I even made the comment to myself about 3 days ago that it was weird to be going to sleep every night before sunrise and waking up every morning, before 4 pm. I think my exact comment to myself was, "I don't like it; how do people do this?" (this was on one of the really bad days I had recently). I thought it strange to be sleeping every night! I've never been able to sleep headaches away before, because (for example) they would start Monday at 4 pm, and I'd be up until Wednesday night! How strange this whole thing is to my body.

So, finally, I'm sleeping regularly, and I've regained my strength, and I think that has made things worse at times. That's fine with me! I think I'm finally learning to live. So, I'm going to stop bemoaning this situation and be grateful that I'm getting a shot at a real life, with a real schedule. And be happy that any piece of this unpleasantness might be directed at the fact that I'm finally rested. After almost 10 years: finally, rested.

This is the latest I've been up in a while. I think it's time for bed.

[nicemom]

Glad to hear. Rested is good! Our bodies need it, our minds need it and our souls need it. It can make a big difference on attitude.

I can't imagine not sleeping all your life like you describe. I was always one of those kids my mom never had to tell to go to bed.

Im happy for you that your outlook is looking better.

[tcl18]

Terra there was a time in my taper that was very difficult as well - I can't remember exactly what dose it was, but I had to stay there for 4-6 weeks before I could drop again. Hang in there and as Homie said, another window will open for you.

[paxilgirl]

Terra, regarding your anxieties about your thesis, I could have written that, and probably did, when I was working on mine. Although I was about a year and half without Paxil, it was still a daily struggle and my demons were getting the wrost of me....I couldn't work on anyting with WDing from the stuff not because I didn't want to, but because I coudln't. Reading was futile and I just lacked the motivation....you doing all this reasearch during WD and poop out is admirable beyond words.

As all who've encouraged me during my thesis, I'm here to tell you that you can do it and will do a fabulous job and we will all be here celebrating once it is done and you've graduatated. It was a joyous time for me and everyone here, and it will be the same for you!

Hugs,

[mscece]

Terra last week I had the same problem couldn't quite manage all the stress, panic and anxiety. It will pass. I think these symptoms will arise from time to time its all part of withdrawl. I always read you post and you've made tremendous progress. Try not to worry just put one foot in fron of the other this to shall pass. I hope you feel better soon.