life after paxil : the good the bad and the ugly

[genevieve]

wow its been a while since I have written here. I am almost 4 years off paxil and almost 3 years off all ADs.
but guess what? I may go back on something... My boyfriend can not believe that I consider this possibility after all the trouble I had withdrawing from paxil but the fact is life is really hard.
I can say that I have done great progress in the last 3 years without drugs but this progress was mostly emotionnal and my functionnal limitations are still there. My main problem is agoraphobia/panic and anxiety (what psychiatrist call "generalized anxiety disorder"... I just call it anxiety!). Since I have stopped paxil I was not able to hold a job for more than a few months (often weeks) and it was always part time. I am wondering about the effect of 6 years of AD on my brain. There is no doubt that I have serious emotionnal problems and that I had them BEFORE paxil but I am wondering what part of this is my brain going like jello because of paxil and what part is really my problems. Is it 50% paxil and 50% me? Is it 99% me and 1% paxil? THere is no way to know since I was on paxil at 17 years old...

I have done CBT with 2 different therapists in the last 5 years. I think it helped but it was not enough. I consider now a psychodynamic therapy. Maybe not classical psychoanalysis for years but a psychodynamic approach instead of cbt. And I consider ADs too... yuk! I can not believe I say this. I am not going to get them this afternoon for sure. If I take them it is in some weeks, maybe some months and maybe in only one year but I consider it seriously.

The problem is I could live without AD in a perfect world but we dont live in a perfect world. Dealing with agoraphobia is really tough because you need a really intense therapy (somebody has to be with you many hours in the week... no therapist is going to do that with me and my friends/family dont have the time). I also have to get a job because I have bills to pay. And I am almost 30 and well... I would like to do something with my life... Recently I had health problems and it was really tough because I really did not need that additionnal stress. I realized I was very fragile : the stress of a minor health problem was enough to send me back into scary panic attacks.

The one big thing that prevent me from swallowing those pills is that I sometimes tell myself that even if my life is tough I may prefer to get MY problems than the "pill's problem". You know? If I have to be crazy, I prefer to be crazy my way than to have a damaged brain because of some pills! what is really weird is that people without mental health problems (and most of the people WITH mental health problems!) just dont seem to understand. They think "well, if a pill helps you, take it". Where has gone the desire to grow as a person?

For me to take or not to take drugs is a big question. Because I was both helped and injured by paxil it makes the decision even more difficult. Nobody can take that decision for me : I will have to decide if I take them and when. I would like things to be simple but they are not. Some discussions here on this board have been over simplifying on both sides. People come here to say that ADs are poison, others come to say ADs are a god sent drug. Both are not true. Nothing is black and white and we live in a society in which having a mental problem is really hard (I dont think it was ever easy in any society in fact...). Withdrawing from paxil is one thing but dealing with the problem you had in the first place is another thing...and it is really hard!

I dont know what people here are going to answer but just to write was a relief.

[Amaya's Nana]

Genevieve -- sometimes getting it all out of the inside and written down helps tremendously. You know, we aren't going to tell you what to do. All I can say is it is YOUR life and you are the one living it. Not me or anyone else around here. You know the dangers of the drugs and at least if you go back to an SSRI, you are going back with your eyes wide open. All I can say is I wish you peace and good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Johnnny off Paxil]

Originally Posted by genevieve

wow its been a while since I have written here. I am almost 4 years off paxil and almost 3 years off all ADs.
but guess what? I may go back on something... My boyfriend can not believe that I consider this possibility after all the trouble I had withdrawing from paxil but the fact is life is really hard.
I can say that I have done great progress in the last 3 years without drugs but this progress was mostly emotionnal and my functionnal limitations are still there. My main problem is agoraphobia/panic and anxiety (what psychiatrist call "generalized anxiety disorder"... I just call it anxiety!). Since I have stopped paxil I was not able to hold a job for more than a few months (often weeks) and it was always part time. I am wondering about the effect of 6 years of AD on my brain. There is no doubt that I have serious emotionnal problems and that I had them BEFORE paxil but I am wondering what part of this is my brain going like jello because of paxil and what part is really my problems. Is it 50% paxil and 50% me? Is it 99% me and 1% paxil? THere is no way to know since I was on paxil at 17 years old...

I have done CBT with 2 different therapists in the last 5 years. I think it helped but it was not enough. I consider now a psychodynamic therapy. Maybe not classical psychoanalysis for years but a psychodynamic approach instead of cbt. And I consider ADs too... yuk! I can not believe I say this. I am not going to get them this afternoon for sure. If I take them it is in some weeks, maybe some months and maybe in only one year but I consider it seriously.

The problem is I could live without AD in a perfect world but we dont live in a perfect world. Dealing with agoraphobia is really tough because you need a really intense therapy (somebody has to be with you many hours in the week... no therapist is going to do that with me and my friends/family dont have the time). I also have to get a job because I have bills to pay. And I am almost 30 and well... I would like to do something with my life... Recently I had health problems and it was really tough because I really did not need that additionnal stress. I realized I was very fragile : the stress of a minor health problem was enough to send me back into scary panic attacks.

The one big thing that prevent me from swallowing those pills is that I sometimes tell myself that even if my life is tough I may prefer to get MY problems than the "pill's problem". You know? If I have to be crazy, I prefer to be crazy my way than to have a damaged brain because of some pills! what is really weird is that people without mental health problems (and most of the people WITH mental health problems!) just dont seem to understand. They think "well, if a pill helps you, take it". Where has gone the desire to grow as a person?

For me to take or not to take drugs is a big question. Because I was both helped and injured by paxil it makes the decision even more difficult. Nobody can take that decision for me : I will have to decide if I take them and when. I would like things to be simple but they are not. Some discussions here on this board have been over simplifying on both sides. People come here to say that ADs are poison, others come to say ADs are a god sent drug. Both are not true. Nothing is black and white and we live in a society in which having a mental problem is really hard (I dont think it was ever easy in any society in fact...). Withdrawing from paxil is one thing but dealing with the problem you had in the first place is another thing...and it is really hard!

I dont know what people here are going to answer but just to write was a relief.

Bonjour Genvieve et bievenu encore a Paxil Progress, malheureusement ils n'y a pas de reponse claire et facil.Peut-etre il y a au fonds de tout ca des traumes emotionelle qui sont pas encore resolu? Retournez a utilise Paxil ou d'autres ant-depressif pour resoudre ces choses sera , pour moi en tou cas..une grave erreur. Avez vous essayez d'utres alternatives commes l'acupuncture? Traitments de avecs des vitamins, huile de poisson etc?

a la prochaine

Johnny

[safarigal]

(((Gen))) I know you've been struggling for years. Only you can make the decisions that are best for you. I only wish you luck in finding a peaceful happy life no matter what you choose.