new here.. advice appreciated

[BowlerB]

So here is my dilemma..
I had some problems prior to going on Paxil as far as anxiety, and some paranoid dilusions, and also unexplained dizzyness. Basically, I had a really bad reaction to marijuana (which I know sounds strange, but it happened) and I pretty much lost it. So began my life with depersonalization.
So I got put on Paxil and stayed on it for a long time. It never really helped but I got used to it and I think it became kind of a security blanket where I thought I needed it to survive.
Then about 5 yrs into it I started getting really physically sick, which I describe as how most of you describe withdrawal, only I was still on Paxil. I have come to learn of poop out, and I think that may have happened, I really don't know. All I know is that I was real sick and it wasnt going away. I feel like I had to withdrawal, so I did. From there it was a whirlwind of problems. I actually ended up becoming psychotic, paranoid, dillusional, OCD and all kinds of other stuff, on top of being physically sick.
My problem is that since all those mental problems started, they have not stopped. I am not as bad but not getting better either. I am 6 months off paxil now, but I am just worried that I may just be mentally ill now. The docs want to try anti psychotics and I just don't know. I still want to give it more time maybe and see if I get better in 6 months or a year first, but I also don't want to have these psychotic episodes anymore, or think how I think. I get so paranoid and the world seems so surreal. Everything seems warped and all I can do is hide in bed and wait it out till it feels somewhat normal again. "Somewhat normal" is my new normal. All I know is that before withdrawal, I was not this messed up mentally. I had my problems but not like this. And I know that more paxil will just make me sick, so that is not even an option.
Can anyone offer any kind of advice or input?
Thanks everyone. You are all amazing.

[rdjanis]

Firstly, it doesn't sound strange what happened, it has been heard here a number of times that a reaction to marijuana started the medication journey.

Saying that, what you are presently experiencing are 'all' withdrawal symptoms, it is not that you are mentally ill. This is normal at 6 months off, as well, how you stopped paxil plays a huge part in symptoms and how long they last. I'm going to assume since you have not discussed a slow wean, you didn't do one, which makes the symptoms worse.

Read the pages here, other's stories, the faq section. You are not alone in this, you 'are' in withdrawal, and this 'will' pass.

Take care.

[Johnnny off Paxil]

Originally Posted by rdjanis

Firstly, it doesn't sound strange what happened, it has been heard here a number of times that a reaction to marijuana started the medication journey.

Saying that, what you are presently experiencing are 'all' withdrawal symptoms, it is not that you are mentally ill. This is normal at 6 months off, as well, how you stopped paxil plays a huge part in symptoms and how long they last. I'm going to assume since you have not discussed a slow wean, you didn't do one, which makes the symptoms worse.

Read the pages here, other's stories, the faq section. You are not alone in this, you 'are' in withdrawal, and this 'will' pass.

Take care.

Exactly I agree..this is ALL withdrawal..and its going to take some time..what was your weaning or tapering schedule like? or did you do a cold turkey?

Lets start from there and proceed ok.

Regards, Johnny

[BowlerB]

I can not tell you how glad it is to get some rational feedback on this stuff. Doctors treat me like I am on an assembly line of other patients.

As far as my taper, I got sick from poop out about 3 years ago, never stopped cold turkey. The meds were upped from 20 to 40 then I went back down because I was unsure, bouncing from 40 to 20 to 40 to 50, 40, 30, 25, 20 just scattered like that because of lack of answers and uncertainty. I never dropped anywhere below 20 though for the whole 8 or so years I took it, until the 2 yr taper. I went slow but it just didn't seem to matter, because I was just permanently sick. The really bad mental problems started somewhere around 2 years ago right around the time I dropped from 20 to like 17.5 and then to 15. It got really, really, bad. I would sit there thinking bugs were crawling on me, I thought that certain people were god or the devil. Paranoid weird stuff like that. Stuff I never dealt with prior to Paxil until withdrawal. I still have that crap, but I am able to write rational things like this, looking at it in retrospect. Sometimes I do get pretty out there though, and the whole time it is like this battle to tell myself I am a sane person. It has been like this for like 3 years now. Like I said, better in some ways but it doesn't feel like it is healing. It can't even go out in public because i will lose it, or I will be afraid to lose it. I just feel like I am damaged, my brain really feels different and I think so much different now. Nothing seems normal or the way it did before.
Docs now are prescribing anti psychotics but I wont take them and they say I am resisting treatment and that my problem is that i don't want to get better.
Also, I can't handle any kind of drug or alcholol now without having a psychotic episode. If i even smell marijuana I get paranoid and dilusional and I know that if i took a hit, I would lose my mind. Strange but true.
Marijuana really screwed me up. I was just experimenting and had never done it before. I get so mad now that I even tried it but I try to tell myself that I was just being a kid. Everyone else seemed to have the greatest time and I wanted to see what was so great. I didn't think you could lose it off of just one big dose. I feel like I was so normal before that. So vibrant and together.
Thanks for your advice and help everyone.
It means more to me than you can know.

[Katesmom]

Rita is dead on about everything. At this point, I would advise at this point that you read and post here or someplace very like it to get support and information to get you through this very difficult time. There is nothing like validation to get you through this. Welcome!

[LossLeader]

Any hallucinogenic drug (which marijuana is, even though it's a weak one) can cause these kind of problems. I never had a bad reaction to marijuana, but I had a really bad reaction to LSD when I tried that out as a teenager, and that gave me similar symptoms to what you describe - bad derealisation.

I was given some drug or other for that - it was a long time ago, so it would either have been an antipsychotic or an old tricyclic antidepressant, or maybe Prozac, because that was the only SSRI available then. Anyway, I only took one tablet of that because it made me feel worse, so luckily I avoided psych drugs that time. It was a long, grim struggle but I got better. A lot better after a year, more or less "normal" by 18 months, pretty much "fine" after 2 years.

I took SSRIs much later, for something completely different - I got bad depression and what was either ME or CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), so I couldn't keep my eyes open or my head upright, just felt shattered and horribly unhappy all the time. SSRIs worked great for that. I stayed on them for far too long. Since coming off, I've been in nightmarish withdrawal that's still going on, but it's not as fierce as it was. I've seen a lot of improvement.

The point I'm making is, when people have bad reactions to something - rather than having a biological condition which is "in them", like bipolar or schizophrenia - that reaction will get better by itself. It just takes a long time. Adding drugs to a situation like that usually makes things worse, and the older you get the longer it can take for your brain and body to recover. But it does get better.

If you'd not gone on drugs, your bad reaction to marijuana would probably have got better by itself in time. Too late to worry about that now. Your bad reaction to paxil will also get better in time - but 6 months is too early to expect it to get better. It might take a year, might take 18 months, might even take 2 years or more to get completely right, but it will get better if you take it easy and do the right things.

If you take antipsychotics, it won't get better. It might improve temporarily (or it might not), but it won't be cured, and when you come off the antipsychotics, looking at your history there's a VERY good chance you will have an even worse reaction to that. Paxil is stronger than marijuana, and antipsychotics are stronger than Paxil. If you can avoid taking them, then do. If you get to a stage where you truly can't cope anymore and your life is on the line, that's a different matter, but from what you say it sounds like you've stabilised to the point where you can think logically, which is the start of recovery. I was about six months off before my thoughts began to make any sense - I'm 18 months off now, and my mental state is a lot better (although I have various issues that are making it worse, but these are not things that will apply to you because they're personal things). This does improve, even though it can be agonisingly slow.

The good thing is that as you slowly improve, you will find your life starting to open up again, bit by bit. Just don't force it, or push yourself too hard. Live as cleanly and healthily as you can, keep telling yourself that this is an INJURY not a chronic illness, and be patient. It's a good idea to stay monitored by therapists or psychiatric doctors, to make sure nothing really awful happens, but they can't force drugs on you and the decision will always be yours.

By the way, if things seem to get worse at any point, don't panic. SSRI withdrawal is notorious for following a jerky course - you get better for a bit, then worse, then better. It's HORRIBLE when you start going downhill again, but the good news is that when these bad periods clear up, people usually find that they've improved compared to how they felt *before* that bad period. Seems like the bad patches are a consequence of the brain re-organising itself, and it's necessary to put up with them on the way to recovery.

[BowlerB]

Originally Posted by LossLeader

SSRI withdrawal is notorious for following a jerky course - you get better for a bit, then worse, then better.

Still waiting for one of these "better" windows people speak of. It has all been bad, I don't ever get periods without mental problems

[samantha]

Hi Bowler,

All my stuff began the same way although the paxil did help me. I had a bad trip on Marajuana as well although it was laced with some other stuff which really screwed up my perception of alot of things ultimately leading to my panic disorder and anti depressants. Ultimately I was able to get passed all of that and had some good years...now I'm just struggling with my attacks again and other withdrawl stuff...Have you tried any CBT or anything, ways of changing your perceptions...I'm reading up on alot of stuff now because I don't wanna end up back on meds either u know. Anyways if u want to chat you can PM me