I'm deteriorating

[Kristin]

Um, there aren't really words for what I'm feeling but I have to talk to somebody. i don't feel safe with my own actions. I can't trust what I feel.

I had about 10 days of hypo-mania recently, complete with the racing thoughts, dangerous driving, I was on my way to divorce, almost quit my job, slept little. This I realize with the objectivity of hindsight.

I don't have the racing thoughts now and thought I was back to normal. I've slept about 12hrs total in 3 nights. It's not that I can't fall asleep, it's that I don't get tired so I don't GO to bed. Despite this I've been calm with my son, getting a lot done, etc.

It was a crazy day with too many errands for all these graduations and weddings. My daughter (17) had a BOY over to the house for the first time and that was very awkward and stressful for me. It went fine. Boss is asking me to work more as I am asking for time off. BTW, I had my first anxiety attack 3 nights ago. Thanks to you all, I knew what was happening, and it didn't last long. But now I know what you all are talking about.

I went to therapy today and we talked about how my husband is treating me with disrespect and teaching our kids to do the same. At some point in the evening I cracked when my son mouthed off to me when I asked him to get ready for bed. I yelled at him and then marched downstairs and started telling my husband, angrily, about the therapy session and how my son learned this disrespect from HIM. Then my husband started giving me s**t and got in my face , holding my shoulders...and I, well, for the first time in 25 years , ...I smacked him in the face.

I'm not sad, or upset (OK, it's just under the surface) I just don't know what's happening to me. I don't understand what is happening to me. It's like I can't handle the information I'm learning in therapy in a responsible way. And what do you say to your husband after you do that? I have support and I still am behaving in an unstable way. I just don't feel safe with myself. i'm not acting like I know myself to be. I'm doing my best and things are going terribly wrong. I think I'd just had it with all the sarcasm and disrespect that's gone on a long time.

Last week i was thinking about how fragile I am. If I miss exercise, or don't eat well, and about 10 other things, I just crumble and go sideways. I know what I did was wrong and I feel almost paralyzed and don't know what to do to make things back to right, or assure that I won't act this way again.

[Katesmom]

I'm having a really hard time right now, too, Kristin. It's so overwhelming when we go through this, but we know that it passes. I'm so over paxil; I wish it would get over me.

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by Katesmom

I'm having a really hard time right now, too, Kristin. It's so overwhelming when we go through this, but we know that it passes. I'm so over paxil; I wish it would get over me.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, Kim. Thanks for responding. I'd like to trade in some of this emotional B.S. right now for some physical symptoms please. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Katesmom]

Thanks, sweetie, you too.

[angels]

Whoa! You are not the first person by a long shot to not be able ot put therapy into practice. And what you're describing over the last couple of weeks is exactly why doctors in their infinite stupidity put people on more meds (like Jane Pauley) because you are now bi-polar.

You know this already, but it's withdrawal. As for the other stuff going on, it's been taking shape for awhile. It's just that you are now noticing and being affected by it. And the family situation and the withdrawal are putting things way over the top. It will sort itself out over time and with the same attention you are giving this situation. You know the behavior of your son and husband is not acceptable, but you don't know the best way to respond to those situations as they come up when you are withdrawal. It's a habit to them and when you now object, it is a surprise to them.

It's silly, but maybe role play this with your therapist. So in the heat of the moment next time, you might remember some phrases to say that will buy you time and space to deal with it the way you want to.

[Chrysalis]

Kristin, you are right, your son probably has learned disrespect for you by watching his father. I know this, because it is the same at my house. Your reaction is normal. Why shouldn't you rebel against and reject being treated with sarcasm and disrespect? Why would you want to assure that you won't act that way again? Do you really want to continue to accept treatment that is disrespectful?

Having read how upset you were with your marriage a few days back, ready for divorce even, it's time for old patterns to change, and they won't change unless you require it.

It doesn't sound to me like there is anything wrong with you. You are "waking up" from a long Paxhell sleep, during which you accepted treatment that was wrong. Therapy is helping you to see this more clearly.

Maybe I'm way off base, and I apologize if I am--I just see some parallels between your situation and mine, and that's the way it seems from where I sit.

Margaret

[Kristin]

Thanks, Kim!

Thank you, Angels. Your post brought tears to my eyes. it also gives me hope and makes me feel like not such a freak in this crazy experience.

Margaret, thank you also, sounds like we have a lot in common. While I think change is required as you say, my authentic self (see, I HAVE been going to therapy!) is not violent and i do not want to teach my kids to disrespect in THIS way, either. Thanks for your encouragement!

[Chrysalis]

Yes, okay. So next time stick up for yourself minus the slap. If you apologize to him, apologize for the slap only, and make it clear that you still do not appreciate and will not tolerate the disrespect that has become pervasive.

For me, it has only been during WD that I've started to recognize the behaviors and comments that are disrespectful. Sh*t I've taken for years, and was so numbed-out that I didn't recognize it for the manure it is. I knew I felt defeated and hopeless, but I didn't recognize why. Now as I start to identify the insults that were guised as "teasing" or other, I am angry, at them (not just husband, but a couple extended family members, too), and at myself for being so dense.

Margaret

[Johnnny off Paxil]

Originally Posted by Kristin

Um, there aren't really words for what I'm feeling but I have to talk to somebody. i don't feel safe with my own actions. I can't trust what I feel.

I had about 10 days of hypo-mania recently, complete with the racing thoughts, dangerous driving, I was on my way to divorce, almost quit my job, slept little. This I realize with the objectivity of hindsight.

I don't have the racing thoughts now and thought I was back to normal. I've slept about 12hrs total in 3 nights. It's not that I can't fall asleep, it's that I don't get tired so I don't GO to bed. Despite this I've been calm with my son, getting a lot done, etc.

It was a crazy day with too many errands for all these graduations and weddings. My daughter (17) had a BOY over to the house for the first time and that was very awkward and stressful for me. It went fine. Boss is asking me to work more as I am asking for time off. BTW, I had my first anxiety attack 3 nights ago. Thanks to you all, I knew what was happening, and it didn't last long. But now I know what you all are talking about.

I went to therapy today and we talked about how my husband is treating me with disrespect and teaching our kids to do the same. At some point in the evening I cracked when my son mouthed off to me when I asked him to get ready for bed. I yelled at him and then marched downstairs and started telling my husband, angrily, about the therapy session and how my son learned this disrespect from HIM. Then my husband started giving me s**t and got in my face , holding my shoulders...and I, well, for the first time in 25 years , ...I smacked him in the face.

I'm not sad, or upset (OK, it's just under the surface) I just don't know what's happening to me. I don't understand what is happening to me. It's like I can't handle the information I'm learning in therapy in a responsible way. And what do you say to your husband after you do that? I have support and I still am behaving in an unstable way. I just don't feel safe with myself. i'm not acting like I know myself to be. I'm doing my best and things are going terribly wrong. I think I'd just had it with all the sarcasm and disrespect that's gone on a long time.

Last week i was thinking about how fragile I am. If I miss exercise, or don't eat well, and about 10 other things, I just crumble and go sideways. I know what I did was wrong and I feel almost paralyzed and don't know what to do to make things back to right, or assure that I won't act this way again.

Well you you have to factor in the "stress" here..this is a big factor..its unfortunate you don't have the support and understanding of your family during this very difficult time. Do you have anyone you can talk to openly about this..a friend..a councilor , your local priest?
Over and over again on this forum I see people struggling and suffering alot of psychological and emotional pain because they just don't have a sympathetic ear or someone close that can encourage them....withdrawal is difficult enough as it is.

I so sorry that you are getting the brunt of this psychological abuse..in my books it would be reason for a divorce. If my husband could not respect me and support me during a time of illness, or made me an object of ridicule because of my "weakness".... he'd be getting divorce papers so fast his head would spin. Any relationship...needs at is very basic minimum... to be a place where dignity and respect thrive.... this is the foundation for everything else...no foundation..the relationship crumbles under stress..ie the abuse and indifference set in....
So in light of these very difficult circumstances..I would try to seek out help outside of this circle.. and a little prayer asking the Universe to send good people your way..because right now..you could do with some help and encouragement...maybe the good people are your neighbors..... ask..


Regards, Johnny

[Kristin]

Originally Posted by margaret

, I am angry, at them (not just husband, but a couple extended family members, too), and at myself for being so dense. Margaret

I know, it's hard for me to figure how the heck did I let myself get here and let it get this bad? But as my therapist would say to us. Be gentle with yourself and be aware of self-shaming. Feel free to PM me or call anytime, Margaret, if you need to talk.

Johnny, yes, I have a hard time with taking on too much. I do have a councelor who is great, I will see her in a week and might even call her today. I think it's so hard because I have this issue with shame and expecting perfection from myself so it's hard to admit I'm behaving this way. In fact I almost asked Laurie to erase this thread after I'd posted it, but figured she had enough on her plate. Then there's always the thought in the back of your head that somebody could take your kids away. I have a good friend who went off AD's with no problems at all and she listens but never comments much about this subject so I wonder if she thinks I'm imagining things. In fact my longtime best friend on the West coast also went off AD's without any issues so I don't usually bring it up with her. And like others on this site I sometimes question it all myself though I truly have certain evidence that W/D is still going on (skin issues, nightmares, etc that surface occasionally but with a vengeance.) And the anger-explosive issue was one of the main reasons I went on ADs so at what point do you figure W/D is over and this uncontrollable anger is just the real situation. Anyway, between therapy and Alanon I'm working on it as fast as I can. Thanks, Johnny, and I like your prayer to the Universe idea, I'll do it! Now, off to work.

[Chrysalis]

Originally Posted by Kristin

I know, it's hard for me to figure how the heck did I let myself get here and let it get this bad? But as my therapist would say to us. Be gentle with yourself and be aware of self-shaming. Feel free to PM me or call anytime, Margaret, if you need to talk.

Thank you, Kristin. I'm doing pretty well most of the time these days, but I still have moments/hours when the resentment and anger makes me feel like just walking out, but I know my kids need me.

I don't engage in too much self-shaming, but I do bear in mind that I played a part in letting things get to this stage. It helps keep me from totally blowing my stack when things are slow to change--old habits die hard.

Margaret

[nicemom]

Originally Posted by Kristin

I think it's so hard because I have this issue with shame and expecting perfection from myself so it's hard to admit I'm behaving this way. In fact I almost asked Laurie to erase this thread after I'd posted it, but figured she had enough on her plate.

Ditto here. Its hard for me to admit when things are not perfect with me. Everyone in my life sees me as this strong person who never needs anything because thats the persona I have put up. Yup, talking about that in counseling too.

This is a wonderful place to vent with good people who have good advice and are great listeners. You have alot going on, try to be kind to yourself. (((((((HUGS)))))))

[samantha]

Have you ever left your husband before? If he is contributing to an unhealthy environment for you then perhaps it is something that you really should consider. Looking at my own decisions and choices I've made, walking away from alot of those choices create alot of fear and hesitation on my part but I also know if I don't change my environment to be more healthy then it will be difficult if not impossible for me to be healthy either. It is difficult to be alone but harder to be in a bad relationship and these subconcous fears, sometimes they know more then our concousness will allow us to see...

I know my parents stayed together for the sake of the kids until I was 13 and my brother was 17...the divorce in the end was the best thing for everyone...and my mom is someone who spent a lot of years on meds and AD's as well. This is the first time in her life she is living without them and actually feels better.

Sorry if I'm stepping over a boudry suggesting something like this because I don't know the whole situation and I could be completely wrong...but there are things we can and things we can not control. Withdrawl, some of the thoughts in our heads and other things we don't always have control over. But the state our life is in, our ability to make choices and find our freedom, that is on us...and to me realizing that especially as of late has made me feel better then ever...the fact that I still have the ability to choose..my free will

[Pat Shields]

Originally Posted by Kristin

I don't understand what is happening to me. It's like I can't handle the information I'm learning in therapy in a responsible way. And what do you say to your husband after you do that?

1. What might be happening to you is that you might be having a difficult birth of the Kristin that won't put up with any ca-ca.
2. About handling the information - if you have never worked with this sort of information before, you won't know how to handle it. Takes trial and error.
3. What would I say to my husband? "There's more where that came from, a$$hole. You will NOT stand by and watch our children treat me with disrespect." Really. That's what I would say. The message would be loud and clear.

[Amaya's Nana]

Originally Posted by Pat Shields

[*]What might be happening to you is that you might be having a difficult birth of the Kristin that won't put up with any ca-ca.[*]

Pat - this is BRILLIANT. I have not been able to put my finger on what's happening to the inside of me and this is exactly it. Actually, its not that the real Lisa wasn't there, I've just grown exponentially during the last 18 months and didn't quite know how to "birth" what has been down on the inside. When I do let it out, its clumsy and awkward and usually pretty rude. I think you can reach a balance where you won't put up with any ca-ca but you don't have to be sh**y about it. I'm real sh**y with it. I suppose that takes trial and error too.

[Amaya's Nana]

Originally Posted by Amaya's Nana

ca-ca but you don't have to be sh**y

Pun not intended but gee, I cracked myself up!

[Chrysalis]

Originally Posted by Pat Shields

1. What might be happening to you is that you might be having a difficult birth of the Kristin that won't put up with any ca-ca.
2. About handling the information - if you have never worked with this sort of information before, you won't know how to handle it. Takes trial and error.
3. What would I say to my husband? "There's more where that came from, a$$hole. You will NOT stand by and watch our children treat me with disrespect." Really. That's what I would say. The message would be loud and clear.

[standing up and applauding]



Especially when kids are involved, I believe in putting in the time and effort to reshape patterns of behavior and save the marriage and family unit if possible. If, over time, they can't learn how to stop showing disrespect, and eventually start proactively showing respect, then it will be time to call it dead.

After years of being disrespected, we will only get respect if we demand it.

Margaret

[Lilly]

What I did when this would happen was apologise for over reacting.

Lilly

[eileen]

Originally Posted by Lilly

What I did when this would happen was apologise for over reacting.

Lilly

I apologized for the slap and I don't like what this has turned me into. Hugs to you Kristin, I hope your therapist will be good for you.
Margaret I'm like you, how did I get here?
I have more self esteem then I ever had!
I'm sicker than I ever was in my life!
My memory is razor sharp, which is not always good, I'm sure you know what I mean.
Look what has happened to us!
We will all recover!
eileen

[Kristin]

Wow, everybody, thanks for all the great insights. I think you're right, Pat, I'm in birth and didn't even know it! I had a light bulb moment about a month ago when my therapist pointed out that something I'd said to my family had been my authentic self talking. Since then I see that self popping up all over the place and it's causing this upheaval (which is a necessary thing.)

Pat, #3 had me laughing but you are right. And that goes along with your comment, Margaret, about if it doesn't change then it's dead. I find myself frustrated so much because I can't MAKE my husband respect me. I keep trying but know I don't have that power, only the power to do what *I* need to do. You are wise, Pat.

Samantha, great post. no. I haven't left him before. Weve done marriage therapy a few times over the years. It certainly hasn't been smooth sailing. Choices, good point. Demand respect. I'm taking it all in.

Thanks everybody for your support.