Holidays? How do you cope?

[Cayte]

Oh dear, I have briefly flicked through some posts today. I feel so disheartened. We have just got back from a week in Germany. Will this ever get better or are we now destined to accepting that life holds little joy or wonder any more?
I know i have been unreasonable at times this week, i know that. When away from familiar surroundings and i guess the usual routine the withdrawal process really does kick in again.
The weather has been sunny and warm..we have met up with some old German friends..and yet, all i wanted to do was curl up and withdraw into myself. I have had no energy for walking and i know have struggled to show interest in activities. This is so rude of me. Of course you can't keep saying to your partner that this is withdrawal, there is only so much they will take..and you can't tell your hosts either.
I'm now home..and to what..
Two phone calls before nine o'clock...one from care home re mum-in-law ill and needs dr, and the other my Mum...worried about my step dad (and a general moan..she's never normally up at this time???) I can't go anywhere as there are workmen in our house...so the guilt is huge. Also the guilt at writing this..what a beetch I've become. I am not the person i know and loved..i really have become horrible. My daughter has bumped my car whilst we were away, and all i've done is be angry with her????...this is so awful. I really cannot live with myself being like this any more, I just feel burdened with guilt..others problems..but guilt, guilt at the woman i've become.
Sorry people...the rant is over...but the problems aren't. You are the only ones who understand, so i guess to write it down helps..thank you.

[Buxy`s Back]

awww cayte,i know the feeling hun,but it is the withdrawal and not who you will be or are doomed to be,i was a right biatch too,i would shout ,scream,and just basically throw paddies at everything and anything,but that does get easier,i am a lot more patient and less fiesty now.
None of this is your fault,your brain is dealing with major changes right now,try to cut yourself a little slack,you did amazing even getting to germany feeling like this,i take my hat off to ya,and if my son pranged my car mmm sorry i would be annoyed too,that bit is being a mum and human lol

[Cayte]

Yes, but will anybody still be with me if, and when, I come out of all this?
Where on earth do we go for help, other than on here?
The drs , as you know, do not believe in any protracted withdrawal, so basically you're made to believe you are "ill" again. If I'm still deemed "ill" by next Xmas i can see me going back on medication as maybe after so many years on the meds my brain will not re-adapt. I do not want to spend the rest of my life on my own.
But thanks Jo..will catch up on your posts... xx

[blankets]

Cayte there are times I feel exactly like that. & it seems like whenever anything too stimulating happens that guilt is right back there and I am back to hitting my head against a wall for being this way. But a large part of it IS withdrawal, still. I know it's hard to continuously tell yourself and the people around you that what is going on has so little to do with you. I've spent so much time by myself this year, hiding whenever things got too overwhelming. In some ways that really helped because it was exactly what I needed, but in other ways it's like it made me less comfortable around others.

I think what we really need to do is stop assuming people aren't going to understand what it's like to be going through something. Sure, they probably haven't ever gone through the same thing, but people are usually open and forgiving when they know a friend of theirs is suffering. Don't go into details, just say you are ill, and they will be there. The only reason people will get frustrated is because they want you to get better, just as bad as you want yourself to get better, but that's not anger directed at you.. just the situation. I know the times I still feel ill, not myself, etc. I say the same things that you do "I really miss that person I used to be, I want her back." I don't know how much time it takes, but time has helped me in most of the ways. You'll see glimpses of 'you' come back, more and more as time goes by. Try to forgive yourself, this stuff isn't your fault. If you really cannot cope with a situation give yourself a time out. Eventually it will take more and more to get you to the point where you need one. I hope you start to feel better soon..

[babs]

You're not finished with withdrawal yet so don't be too hard on yourself. I noticed that I had a "relapse" every time I spent the night away from home, for well over a year after my last Paxil. That all cleared up and I'm fine now.

[Cayte]

Thank you blankets. I try so hard to be pleasant and interested in whats going on round me, but the anger rages up inside me, and i become so agitated. My husband is now running out of patience with me..as are some of my daughters, and this makes me so sad. How sad it is that it would take a tablet to make me a "nice" person again....where have "I" gone??
I feel so bitter and twisted.

[Cayte]

Oh thank you too Babs..this is not me.
In the second part of our week i think i pushed myself too hard..I tried to speak German most of the time to our friends, maybe that was too much...
The Germans have a much better attitude towards meds..they hardly touch them, so this is why I couldn't really tell our friends about the horrendous withdrawal.

[CELESTEP]

Cayte you are going thru w/d and it is very difficult. If it were me posting, what would you tell me.....dont be hard on yourself. You are going thru something most people don't understand.....be gentle with yourself...this isn't the you we know and love it is the medicine and it has hurt you. These are some of the things you would say to any of us. Please be kind to yourself.
You are very sweet and caring to all of us. That is who you are

I am scared too of what I am going to be like when this is over. Today I had the most disheartening and frustrating feeling that lingered all day. Hopelessness and despair. We all have it Cayte......Hugs.

[Fleet86]

Cayte,

I went on holiday in May during total 'poop out', getting withdrawal symptoms on the 20mg but much milder than the real withdrawal that you are fighting through. I never told Dave, but it was the saddest holiday of my life. I wanted to be so happy and for it all to be wonderful as our anniversary fell around that time but I just couldn't manage it.

In withdrawal proper I can barely get out of the house at times and I find it so hard to cope with people. To be honest I have kept on thinking, just look at all the stuff that cayte does and how little I do in comparison. So to be honest cayte, I think you are achieving a great deal. Holidays, working, theatre, visits, caring for elderly parents etc, you couldn't be trying harder. Would your family come and read PP and get an idea of what you are battling here?

nicci x

[blankets]

Originally Posted by Cayte

Thank you blankets. I try so hard to be pleasant and interested in whats going on round me, but the anger rages up inside me, and i become so agitated. My husband is now running out of patience with me..as are some of my daughters, and this makes me so sad. How sad it is that it would take a tablet to make me a "nice" person again....where have "I" gone??
I feel so bitter and twisted.

I have had this a lot, and sometimes still get it. I know how hard it is for those closest to us to understand. Some days my s.o. will pretty much tell me he's had enough and that he doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. He doesn't understand how difficult it is to control this stuff .. its like its out before you even knew it was coming. I was given a lot of space during those months, and spent pretty much all of my time alone. My family, especially my sister, knew when they saw me come out of my room and hang around them a little that I was feeling a bit better. It is really tough, and please don't judge yourself now. 7 months is a tough time. I started to feel better around 9-10 months, and I honestly didn't start to feel like myself until the one year mark. You will be back, with all your amazing qualities. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're really are doing a great job. We have to go through the motions to get there, but we come back.

I'm pretty sure in a couple months you will start to see more improvements. I was almost shocked when I started having pleasant feelings, and interest in things.. when I felt a song move me (in a good way), or something inspire me for just five minutes. It was amazing, and I didn't think it was possible. Next time you notice something positive happen within you, remember it. Those get better and happen more often, I promise that.

[Cayte]

Ok, well thank you for the responses.
I see now that holidays like the one I've just had (not ones where you can literally just sit and chill out) put too much stimulus on the still damaged brain. The inner agitation is so great at the moment.
Nicci ?.. No, regarding their reading this site. My husband has so much stress on at the moment that he can't cope himself, let alone caring for me (although he does try). I have to try and help him.
I think I was the most upset when my youngest daughter shouted at me and said that all the things that I grumble about, regarding my own mum, that that's just how I am with her.
I don't want these to be the memories my daughters have of me as I know how bitter I feel at times towards my own mother. Always having to be careful..not knowing what sort of mood she'd be in.

[Fleet86]

Originally Posted by Cayte

Ok, well thank you for the responses.
I see now that holidays like the one I've just had (not ones where you can literally just sit and chill out) put too much stimulus on the still damaged brain. The inner agitation is so great at the moment.
Nicci ?.. No, regarding their reading this site. My husband has so much stress on at the moment that he can't cope himself, let alone caring for me (although he does try). I have to try and help him.
I think I was the most upset when my youngest daughter shouted at me and said that all the things that I grumble about, regarding my own mum, that that's just how I am with her.
I don't want these to be the memories my daughters have of me as I know how bitter I feel at times towards my own mother. Always having to be careful..not knowing what sort of mood she'd be in.

I'm sorry cayte, you have so much on your plate right now. I hope things look up soon.....

nicci x

[ash]

Hi Cayte,

Sorry to hear that you had a bit of a rough time in Germany and also when back home.

I too built up so many hopes of 'will feel good' when away on holiday, that I was forever attemting to match that up against reality. In withdrawal I have learnt that getting too much out of the my comfort zone, ie my routine, meant taking too much out of any little peace I had built up.

Things will settle down. Please do not project a lot as our natural tendency to be negative about the future kicks in hard. Here I only speak for myself.

Dont beat up yourself about the car incident. Is that not a natural reaction? I would be livid !

Take care and try and use your vacation time to deal with your emotions regarding your hubby, mother, daughter. Just little steps. It would be overwhelming if I tried to sort out everything togethere. It all takes time, and also somewhere along the line there has to be some acceptance.

Take care & love
Ash

PS: Cayte, you are a kind and gentle soul. Your well meaning words has helped me tremendously. Anger is just a reaction to situations, especially when we are a bit under stress

[Pat Shields]

I ignore them. If somebody wants to have a happy holiday with me, hey, it's THEIR responsibility. People at church feel sorry for me for living alone and for my ex-husband committing suicide - so I get invited over to holiday dinners and such. Would I invite people over for dinner? No.

I will say, though, last thanksgiving I took a neighborhood man dying of cancer, an alcoholic, and a weird, new guy in town to a local Thanksgiving buffet. It was all about them as far as I was concerned, and it went well.

[Cayte]

Oh Pat, I so wish i were like you.
I wish i could go to church....
I wish I didn't always have to please others all the time. In Germany I was so tense making everything seem "Ok"...
This morning my personal problems are overwhelming me. But I have decided not to stop in this afternoon and wallow. I was supposed to be seeing my Mum..who incidently was fine whilst i was away, and even went out to town with my sister..?????
...Mum has phoned again to put me off ( sickness, sore throat)
....my husband was in bed by mid-evening last night, such is the level of his stress at the moment (..and where was I...helping him?? No..i was on here because i was so bloody lonely, and looking for our mutual support)...so not THAT good a wife!!!

Keep up your humour Pat..you make me smile. I have a good sense of humour too (a bit hidden today). I thing my humour will be the last thing to go.

P.S. Have watched your latest video...you're great...and we are the same age too...!!