one week off paxil, took for 2 1/2 years for anxiety

[Blue]

I hope this isn't going to happen every so often. Im good at holding back my self-pity and my sadness over my non-life but then the dam breaks and I feel so miserable, tears and anger at the same time. Work has been difficult but today was better. But then I come home and then go get ice cream and a rotisserie chicken for supper. I live alone so it is quite awful. Im just not emotionally equipped to live all alone. I know this is the way it is. I don't like it but I have to get used to living my life as a single person. I just get so down. Im so tired of it all, especially eating alone. You can only go out so much on a limited budget.

Well, got to go to sleep now after I get the cat fed for the night. Just letting off some complaining. I should be grateful for what I do have.

I used to think someone had the base up too loud on their music, but it was just inside my own head.

[CELESTEP]

Blue I was watching the teachers/authors from the book "The Secret" on a video from Oprah. One of the guests in the audience was saying just what you were saying and got choked up too.

Lisa Nichols (author) said to this person. According to the law of attraction if you focus on being alone you will get more of it.

It's time to "celebrate your singleness". Have a love affair with yourself first and release your grip on being single......" I was so glad I saw that. I am now celebreting my singleness and enjoying it. Hope this helps....hugs

[Johnnny off Paxil]

Originally Posted by Blue

I hope this isn't going to happen every so often. Im good at holding back my self-pity and my sadness over my non-life but then the dam breaks and I feel so miserable, tears and anger at the same time. Work has been difficult but today was better. But then I come home and then go get ice cream and a rotisserie chicken for supper. I live alone so it is quite awful. Im just not emotionally equipped to live all alone. I know this is the way it is. I don't like it but I have to get used to living my life as a single person. I just get so down. Im so tired of it all, especially eating alone. You can only go out so much on a limited budget.

Well, got to go to sleep now after I get the cat fed for the night. Just letting off some complaining. I should be grateful for what I do have.

I used to think someone had the base up too loud on their music, but it was just inside my own head.

When you feel down..remember the "small blessings"..1) your heart is still beating and functioning properly
2)your lungs work, therefor you can breath and have the breath of life
3) you can digest your food
4) your brain and cognitive senses are all working
5) remember that without the above, you have nothing and are going nowhere
6) without #1..you're life would cease...too many of us take these things for granted.... believe you me I've been to the hospital so many times and I've seen people where these things are no longer functioning properly..they all wish they could have these "small blessings back..I am sure Scotty and many nurses here could tell you stories....
so remember.. remember the "small blessings"...don't take them for granted

Regards, Johnny

[Blue]

I tried to just snap out of it last night, but couldn't. I was into a pity party. Not sure whether to blame the withdrawal or just myself. Im better today. And am not usually like I was last night. Its like a big black nothingness I was in. It is passing today. There are things to attend to and life goes on regardless of the situation we find ourselves in. Im going to get more work to fill in my time more and care for others less fortunate, which is my work.
Thanks for your posts. They make alot of sense. Also, maybe I should get the book. Also, am going to take note whether or not aspartame is involved in setting me up for this downer because I had a diet pop earlier. Thanks.

[CELESTEP]

Maybe it really wasn't pity Blue...........maybe it was a deep sense of frustration. Your allowed. Hugs

[texgirl]

One of the hardest things after being on meds for a long time is dealing with feelings that the meds suppressed. So maybe you're just dealing with the reality of being single for the first time without a pill to "help" you. There's nothing wrong or shameful about that; let yourself feel whatever you're feeling, even if it's self-pity. You won't stay there forever, and it's a necessary stage of your healing.

[Blue]

Thanks so much. I know the paxil did dull things down or actually blinded me to how the future looked, whichever way I would have looked at it, so I wasn't even looking. All of sudden it hit and I saw it was nothing, empty. But today I see things differently. For example, maybe the future isn't going to turn out empty, I can do things to make change, I can do anything I want. Im not sick or weakly. I could get an interesting, challenging job and I think I already know what. Lots of things could happen.

Im not alone, there is a whole world of people out there. And the people who did not stand by me, well, that is their loss. There are those who did. True friends and loyal family members. And those are hard to come by when life has you in the pits. They are not fair weather friends as some are, and they do not listen to gossip. One woman has caused me to lose a very close friend because of her unfair or untrue criticism of me. Now the woman is gone and so is my friend who believed whatever it was the other one said I said, because it was very hurtful. There were rumors going around about my friend, that I didn't even know about and my friend thought I started them. Im pretty sure the other woman started it to break our friendship up. I was having my own hardship and I have no desire to tell lies anyway or get involved in such immature petty stuff. Some people like to mess up a close friendship out of jealousy or whatever. My friend was so close one day and the very next day, gone. It was weird. She offered to rent a place to me close by her one day so I called her the next day and told her alright, that I would take her up on it and then she acted like it was my idea and I was pressuring her. I am still extremely confused. I asked her why the change and she said she thought it would ruin the friendship. Brother, talk about being yanked around. The whole friendship collapsed. And I still don't know why. Someone was involved in that also, this other woman no doubt. It beats me why someone would be so immature. Now I lost a friend and don't even really know why exactly. She either can't or won't talk to me about it. It makes me very sad. She just sticks around her grown daughter and her grandchildren and has no time for friends I guess. She rented to someone else who she didn't see as a threat to her marriage, is all I can tell. Why would she think so bad of me. No wonder she wouldn't talk to me about it. I asked her but she won't tell me why she changed her mind so abruptly. Just because a woman is divorced (he left) doesn't mean she wants another man or is an adulterer. Brother! But the other woman is very manipulative and very convincing and she did try to cause trouble for me with another friend also about trying to take her husband. As if I didn't have enough trouble with the ex one I had. I've had my fill and besides I would never do anything with anyone's husband. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! And even if I was that type, they are all yucky anyway at this age. Gross!!!!!!!!!

Boy this feels good to get this off my chest. Im so fed up with people stereotyping divorced woman as hot to trot or husband stealers. It is the last thing on my list, a man doesn't even make it onto the list. Im just trying to survive each day. I just can't understand this way of thinking. There is NO threat. I am not threat to anybody's marriage. Im happy for them that their is still working. I don't care about their men. Some were distant friends because I was friends with the women, that is all.

Is this what happens in therapy, you get to spiel, because if it is then I should be paying for this.

[Blue]

Real friends don't think the worst of you. They know who you are.

Sorry for the rant earlier. Just so mixed up why people are willing to believe the worst and not take a person at face value. What you see is what you get, a very hurt person trying to survive a great big mess in her life. Losing friendships just makes it all the worse.

Can't seem to focus on any task today. On paxil I was more numb.

[LCrawford67]

You know, Blue...there's nothing wrong with feeling down once and a while. We all do it and we're suppose to, it's part of being human. It's a little hard to discern that right now and I'm sure it's a combo of real emotions and w/d.

But, as we all know, Paxil numbs us and although we think that's a good thing, sometimes, it's truly not. Once the true emotions start coming back, we're not sure how to handle them anymore.

True friends love and accept you for who you are, the good, the bad, and the ugly. They most certainly wouldn't end a close friendship due to idle gossip. So, even though someone else may have started this, the "close" friend you lost, wasn't really a close friend. There's something very fishy about a person who would do such a thing. It hurts now, of course, but you'll realize, you don't need people like that in your life.

I've been divorced too, so I know how hard it is adjusting. But, you know what? I ended up meeting a wonderful man, whom I adore and know is the TRUE love of my life. We dated five years before I finally had the guts to get married again, but we tied the knot in 2003. You'll find that yourself, I guarantee it.