why do i do it?

dave · 10-23-2007, 11:13 PM

Guys i know this is my own fault and this isn t totally paxil related but part of i believe is. Since been off this drug my self believe is at an all time low, i feel ashamed of who i am and have so many dark memories that i don t feel i can ever begin to rebuild my life again, i kind of stumble through experience after experience narrowly missing disaster (yes i know its a matter of labeling an experince but .....!)

Anyway im so lonely! I watch other couples and on one hand long to feel someones arms around me but on the other am so ashamed of my loss of dignaty on this drug that i can t begin to even talk to woman in bars, basically i just don t feel up to the mark.

These last few mths however an old aquaintance began phoning, so eventually i agreed to go out for a drink. Thinking its just a drink i forced myself to go out. Anyway one thing lead to another and we didn t take precautions!

Heres the background shes married!!! I have ocd around this subject having had one child whom i love dearly to a very calculating ex wife would stopped taking contraception deliberately.

I throw this next batch of info in for good measure she s 39 ( so i kind of hope not too fertile!! a long shot I know!). She assures me she doesn t want a child and has said shes going to take the morning after pill, As this happened only last night! But being ocd i just wont believe shes took it unless i see her take it! then she ll know how truely wierd i am! and then i probably won t believe it will work!

Finally i m taking a course which i have gambled everything on a lot of moiney and this incident makes me feel i cant go on with it! i cant sleep for thinknig about it. I know it s my own doing but i hadn t slept with someone for nearly 2 years ! so this is really a big deal!

Scott · 10-23-2007, 11:23 PM

i don't know what to say really... all i can do is offer prayers for you, for her and her family, and God forbid if she conceived last night, for the baby

nicemom · 10-24-2007, 06:25 AM

Your in a vulnerable state of mind right now and went with your urges and didn't use the best of judgement. Don't beat yourself up over it because what is done is done. I believe things happen for a reason. Look forward and not back, but carry the lessons you learn forward with you!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.....

dave · 10-24-2007, 06:27 AM

thanks Scott at the moment i m worried sick. Ocd craves reasurance and i cant get it but can t go forwad either im literally frozen she said she d phone today but so far no call.

I m fed up of living like this im seriously considering going back on meds. My judgement is all out!

LCrawford67 · 10-24-2007, 07:43 AM

You know, if she says she's taking the morning after pill, then so be it. I wouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I'm thinking, if she's married, she probably doesn't want to end up pregnant with another man's child, anyway.

That being said, all you can do is live and learn from this experience. Messing around with a married woman is bad enough, having unportected sex with her (or, any woman) is really bad.

I wouldn't make any kind of rash decision, just because of this experience. Everyone makes mistakes, believe me. It's what we learn from those mistakes that counts.

eileen · 10-24-2007, 07:45 AM

If she said she was going to take the morning after pill, she probably did. It's best to make yourself busy and try to forget it.
Eileen

mstimc · 10-24-2007, 08:46 AM

Dave--The first step in all of this is to realize that we all make mistakes, but our mistakes do not define who we are. I was reading a book on OCD and the author, a therapist, described a session with a woman who beat herself up every day over an affair she had 20 years before. Like the author said, even felons get less harsh sentences! Forgiving yourself can be hard, but its a first step towards letting go of all the self-judgment.

dave · 10-24-2007, 09:25 AM

Thank guys i m going to meet her to take things through hopefully it ll move things forward.

I ve not been with someone for so long just a hug feels so good.

Johnnny off Paxil · 10-24-2007, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

You know, if she says she's taking the morning after pill, then so be it. I wouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I'm thinking, if she's married, she probably doesn't want to end up pregnant with another man's child, anyway.

That being said, all you can do is live and learn from this experience. Messing around with a married woman is bad enough, having unportected sex with her (or, any woman) is really bad.

I wouldn't make any kind of rash decision, just because of this experience. Everyone makes mistakes, believe me. It's what we learn from those mistakes that counts.

Laurie..says this best here..don't go beating yourself up for having been impulsive... so..you were impulsive and by following "blind impulse" thats where it led you..... so like a good skater or skier , you get up.. brush yourself off and continue on with life...and yes in spite of what we say here you will continue to "worry" about the whole affair...thats normal..the important thing in all of this is to learn your lesson and move on, don't beat yourself up..be kind.... and lastly the journey to healing and recovering from SSRI use is a long one..be patient.
Meanwhile, I would look to my local Parish priest or pastor or monk or councilor or therapist to help you through this time of crisis.
You need to socialize and reach out
Regards, Johnny

10-23-2007, 11:13 PM	#1
dave Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 363	why do i do it? Guys i know this is my own fault and this isn t totally paxil related but part of i believe is. Since been off this drug my self believe is at an all time low, i feel ashamed of who i am and have so many dark memories that i don t feel i can ever begin to rebuild my life again, i kind of stumble through experience after experience narrowly missing disaster (yes i know its a matter of labeling an experince but .....!) Anyway im so lonely! I watch other couples and on one hand long to feel someones arms around me but on the other am so ashamed of my loss of dignaty on this drug that i can t begin to even talk to woman in bars, basically i just don t feel up to the mark. These last few mths however an old aquaintance began phoning, so eventually i agreed to go out for a drink. Thinking its just a drink i forced myself to go out. Anyway one thing lead to another and we didn t take precautions! Heres the background shes married!!! I have ocd around this subject having had one child whom i love dearly to a very calculating ex wife would stopped taking contraception deliberately. I throw this next batch of info in for good measure she s 39 ( so i kind of hope not too fertile!! a long shot I know!). She assures me she doesn t want a child and has said shes going to take the morning after pill, As this happened only last night! But being ocd i just wont believe shes took it unless i see her take it! then she ll know how truely wierd i am! and then i probably won t believe it will work! Finally i m taking a course which i have gambled everything on a lot of moiney and this incident makes me feel i cant go on with it! i cant sleep for thinknig about it. I know it s my own doing but i hadn t slept with someone for nearly 2 years ! so this is really a big deal! __________________ Victory is often a thing deferred, and rarely at the summit of courage.... what is at the summit of courage, I think, is freedom.The freedom that comes with the knowledge that no earthly power can break you. Paula Giddings www.oriahmountaindreamer.com 'The Invitation' enjoy this great piece of writing.

10-23-2007, 11:23 PM	#2
Scott Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: somewhere in between Posts: 11,616	Re: why do i do it? i don't know what to say really... all i can do is offer prayers for you, for her and her family, and God forbid if she conceived last night, for the baby __________________ Scott aka Scott What has happened to it all? Crazy, some are saying Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive surviving an ssri reaction alternative anxiety treatments

10-24-2007, 06:25 AM	#3
nicemom Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: NE Ohio Posts: 3,183	Re: why do i do it? Your in a vulnerable state of mind right now and went with your urges and didn't use the best of judgement. Don't beat yourself up over it because what is done is done. I believe things happen for a reason. Look forward and not back, but carry the lessons you learn forward with you! God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..... __________________ Diane On Paxil for 5+ years Weaned from 40mg to 15 over a 1 1/2 year period. From 15mg-0 May/June 06 (before finding PP) Protracted w/d from c/t. First 10 mths up and down but tolerable. Akathesia hit at 11 months. Many months of terrible mental and physical torture. 3/09 started Prozac but too stimulating. Currently on 15mg Lexapro and feeling so much better. Not all who waunder are lost.

10-24-2007, 06:27 AM	#4
dave Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 363	Re: why do i do it? thanks Scott at the moment i m worried sick. Ocd craves reasurance and i cant get it but can t go forwad either im literally frozen she said she d phone today but so far no call. I m fed up of living like this im seriously considering going back on meds. My judgement is all out! __________________ Victory is often a thing deferred, and rarely at the summit of courage.... what is at the summit of courage, I think, is freedom.The freedom that comes with the knowledge that no earthly power can break you. Paula Giddings www.oriahmountaindreamer.com 'The Invitation' enjoy this great piece of writing.

10-24-2007, 07:43 AM	#5
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 26,493	Re: why do i do it? You know, if she says she's taking the morning after pill, then so be it. I wouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I'm thinking, if she's married, she probably doesn't want to end up pregnant with another man's child, anyway. That being said, all you can do is live and learn from this experience. Messing around with a married woman is bad enough, having unportected sex with her (or, any woman) is really bad. I wouldn't make any kind of rash decision, just because of this experience. Everyone makes mistakes, believe me. It's what we learn from those mistakes that counts. __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~Kevin James

10-24-2007, 07:45 AM	#6
eileen Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 9,272	Re: why do i do it? If she said she was going to take the morning after pill, she probably did. It's best to make yourself busy and try to forget it. Eileen __________________ June 13/07-reducing by .05mg. every four weeks to present. October 29/08-Paxil Free 2006-Cut Trazodone from 150mg to 100mg. Sept 07/09- Trazodone 75mg. Started this journey of horror with AD's in 1994, Put on Paxil 30 mg in Feb/1995 I will survive!

10-24-2007, 08:46 AM	#7
mstimc "Mr. EPPA" Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Southern Calif. Posts: 8,136	Re: why do i do it? Dave--The first step in all of this is to realize that we all make mistakes, but our mistakes do not define who we are. I was reading a book on OCD and the author, a therapist, described a session with a woman who beat herself up every day over an affair she had 20 years before. Like the author said, even felons get less harsh sentences! Forgiving yourself can be hard, but its a first step towards letting go of all the self-judgment. __________________ MSTIMC --Tim C. "If there's no baseball in Heaven, then I ain't goin'! --Casey Stengel 20 mg per day since late 1999 November 2006--Found this site and right way to taper April 15, 2008 ZERO! Supplements: Prayer, Multi-vitamin, fish oil, Prayer!

10-24-2007, 09:25 AM	#8
dave Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 363	Re: why do i do it? Thank guys i m going to meet her to take things through hopefully it ll move things forward. I ve not been with someone for so long just a hug feels so good. __________________ Victory is often a thing deferred, and rarely at the summit of courage.... what is at the summit of courage, I think, is freedom.The freedom that comes with the knowledge that no earthly power can break you. Paula Giddings www.oriahmountaindreamer.com 'The Invitation' enjoy this great piece of writing.

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