who am I?

staceyw · 12-29-2007, 11:14 PM

do you ever feel like...during this whole ordeal , where the real "you" is? I'm beginning to think I never knew myself, because when I was in the thick of Paxil (when it still worked for me), I thought that was me. My moods have been so all over the place the last 4 years, I don't really know who I am. am I the crazy manic chick who is always looking for the next thrill or the quiet, dysthymic girl who is afraid to say a word.

ITs so hard to know! When I have a good day, I don't think these thoughts. When I have a bad day, I wonder if I will EVER get back to normal, whatever that is.

Today was fairly rough. right now I feel like my head is in a n electric socket.

This last year has been weird. I feel like I've been living in outerspace all year. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!

LCrawford67 · 12-30-2007, 08:32 AM

This is the psychological game these drugs play with us. They make us believe we can't live without them, that what we've become during w/d, is the real us.

Listen, I took this crap for IBS, not any kind of depression, etc. and I know exactly what you're feeling. You think, "there's something wrong with me, I should just stay on these drugs." That's not the case at all, Stacey!

We're just so use to most of our days, being good days, because we're so numb to everything; that when we have bad days, we're not sure how to handle it.

It's been quite a year for me, as well. Tapering, losing my father, having a mammogram scare; plus the normal day to day things that hit us. But, you know what? I FINALLY realized, somewhere in there, that all the emotions and feelings I was having, were perfectly normal!

Because I'd been on Paxil for 10 years though, I had to completely readjust to them. I had to force myself to remember the person I was BEFORE Paxil and that's not always easy, especially if you've been on this crap any lenghth of time.

Focus on the good days and any time a bad day comes, just remember - it's just a day. One stupid, bad day.

staceyw · 12-30-2007, 10:19 AM

thanks! I need to print this out so I can read it anytime I need some encouragement.

LCrawford67 · 12-30-2007, 12:27 PM

Anytime!!!

Johnnny off Paxil · 12-30-2007, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

This is the psychological game these drugs play with us. They make us believe we can't live without them, that what we've become during w/d, is the real us.

Listen, I took this crap for IBS, not any kind of depression, etc. and I know exactly what you're feeling. You think, "there's something wrong with me, I should just stay on these drugs." That's not the case at all, Stacey!

We're just so use to most of our days, being good days, because we're so numb to everything; that when we have bad days, we're not sure how to handle it.

It's been quite a year for me, as well. Tapering, losing my father, having a mammogram scare; plus the normal day to day things that hit us. But, you know what? I FINALLY realized, somewhere in there, that all the emotions and feelings I was having, were perfectly normal!

Because I'd been on Paxil for 10 years though, I had to completely readjust to them. I had to force myself to remember the person I was BEFORE Paxil and that's not always easy, especially if you've been on this crap any lenghth of time.

Focus on the good days and any time a bad day comes, just remember - it's just a day. One stupid, bad day.

WELL said......

Except..don't you think that "you are" the withdrawal..that you can't be the real you without Paxil........Just kidding

Very important psychological advise given here.. I would listen to that..especially if you plan to taper further and eventually get off.....

REgards, Johnny

hoshi · 12-30-2007, 01:22 PM

I have no clue who I am. Not sure if I will find myself after this all over either.

If you are having brain zaps, It is my opinion you should taper slower. Brain zaps are a severe reaction. You should try for mild or moderate reactions if at all possible.

In my experience severe reactions make subsequent tapers all the harder to go through.

I have read 5-10% tapers go smoother.

From reading posts on this site, those with the worst protracted withdrawals and those that have to go back on drugs are those that weened fast like in 4 months or less. Those that took 1 year of more to get off seemed to have an easier time of it during tapers, and less time in protracted withdrawal. Also, (myself included) with severe reactions, often even more drugs enter the scene, making the taper process even longer. years longer.

We all have to evaluate for ourselves how much we can take. But if the brain has not healed before you move on to the next taper, it will through up an even bigger fit the next time. It did for me anyway.

I don't feel right saying anything in response to others posts, since I made so many mistakes in my past two drug tapers.

texgirl · 12-30-2007, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoshi

If you are having brain zaps, It is my opinion you should taper slower. Brain zaps are a severe reaction.

In fact zaps are extremely common during w/d, even for many who taper slowly. Avoiding them may not be possible. They aren't harmful, just annoying.

blankets · 12-30-2007, 01:51 PM

i think this is some kind of right of passage for people in protracted w/d or people who were medicated too long. it's hard to remember who you are when you've been so ...robotic, for so long. plus the w/d behaviour being so scary & not recognizing it as yourself. as the psychological symptoms fade, you'll start to see yourself come out more. when that happened for me i started philosophizing a lot about who we are in essence and how we come to terms with how our lives have gone. it is a long process but it seems like something we have to go through to make sense of everything.

staceyw · 12-30-2007, 05:41 PM

Robotic....that is the correct word. Lately, I've been looking around, noticing so many things that have just been glossed over for so long. For example, my husbands rear looks good in blue jeans. LOL. Haven't thought that in YEARS LOL

LCrawford67 · 12-30-2007, 05:46 PM

Now THAT'S progress, Stacey!! LOL!!!

staceyw · 12-30-2007, 05:56 PM

most definitely. LOL

Chrysalis · 12-30-2007, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoshi

I have no clue who I am.

This is a common feeling during WD. I know I said those exact words many times during my taper. Now, at four months off Paxhell, I still don't know who I am, but answering the question doesn't seem quite as burningly urgent, as I have found that I can exist day to day, even while not knowing.

Hunting for the answer, or feeling urgency about finding the answer, doesn't seem to make it come any sooner. Like so many issues with getting free of Paxhell, incredible patience is sometimes required.

12-29-2007, 11:14 PM	#1
staceyw Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Louisiana Posts: 644	who am I? do you ever feel like...during this whole ordeal , where the real "you" is? I'm beginning to think I never knew myself, because when I was in the thick of Paxil (when it still worked for me), I thought that was me. My moods have been so all over the place the last 4 years, I don't really know who I am. am I the crazy manic chick who is always looking for the next thrill or the quiet, dysthymic girl who is afraid to say a word. ITs so hard to know! When I have a good day, I don't think these thoughts. When I have a bad day, I wonder if I will EVER get back to normal, whatever that is. Today was fairly rough. right now I feel like my head is in a n electric socket. This last year has been weird. I feel like I've been living in outerspace all year. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! __________________ 03/00-30mg - anxiety/panic. 07/07-upped to 40mg d/t anxiety. gained 15 lb, hypomania11/07 - From 40mg to 10mg over 1 mo. Very sick!!!Found PP site. 01/08 -10mg. 2/08, 7.5mg for 2 weeks. Back to 10mg until 4/08. 05/08 7.5mg for 2 weeks, 5 mg for 2 weeks, 2.5 mg for 1-2 weeks. last 2.5mg on 06/05/08.WD seemed to be less physical as it progressed.worst physical symptoms were during my highest dose & during the first months of my taper (zaps, flu symptoms, etc). After that - mostly emotional issues.

12-30-2007, 08:32 AM	#2
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 26,491	Re: who am I? This is the psychological game these drugs play with us. They make us believe we can't live without them, that what we've become during w/d, is the real us. Listen, I took this crap for IBS, not any kind of depression, etc. and I know exactly what you're feeling. You think, "there's something wrong with me, I should just stay on these drugs." That's not the case at all, Stacey! We're just so use to most of our days, being good days, because we're so numb to everything; that when we have bad days, we're not sure how to handle it. It's been quite a year for me, as well. Tapering, losing my father, having a mammogram scare; plus the normal day to day things that hit us. But, you know what? I FINALLY realized, somewhere in there, that all the emotions and feelings I was having, were perfectly normal! Because I'd been on Paxil for 10 years though, I had to completely readjust to them. I had to force myself to remember the person I was BEFORE Paxil and that's not always easy, especially if you've been on this crap any lenghth of time. Focus on the good days and any time a bad day comes, just remember - it's just a day. One stupid, bad day. __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~Kevin James

12-30-2007, 10:19 AM	#3
staceyw Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Louisiana Posts: 644	Re: who am I? thanks! I need to print this out so I can read it anytime I need some encouragement. __________________ 03/00-30mg - anxiety/panic. 07/07-upped to 40mg d/t anxiety. gained 15 lb, hypomania11/07 - From 40mg to 10mg over 1 mo. Very sick!!!Found PP site. 01/08 -10mg. 2/08, 7.5mg for 2 weeks. Back to 10mg until 4/08. 05/08 7.5mg for 2 weeks, 5 mg for 2 weeks, 2.5 mg for 1-2 weeks. last 2.5mg on 06/05/08.WD seemed to be less physical as it progressed.worst physical symptoms were during my highest dose & during the first months of my taper (zaps, flu symptoms, etc). After that - mostly emotional issues.

12-30-2007, 12:27 PM	#4
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 26,491	Re: who am I? Anytime!!! __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~Kevin James

12-30-2007, 01:22 PM	#6
hoshi Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 91	Re: who am I? I have no clue who I am. Not sure if I will find myself after this all over either. If you are having brain zaps, It is my opinion you should taper slower. Brain zaps are a severe reaction. You should try for mild or moderate reactions if at all possible. In my experience severe reactions make subsequent tapers all the harder to go through. I have read 5-10% tapers go smoother. From reading posts on this site, those with the worst protracted withdrawals and those that have to go back on drugs are those that weened fast like in 4 months or less. Those that took 1 year of more to get off seemed to have an easier time of it during tapers, and less time in protracted withdrawal. Also, (myself included) with severe reactions, often even more drugs enter the scene, making the taper process even longer. years longer. We all have to evaluate for ourselves how much we can take. But if the brain has not healed before you move on to the next taper, it will through up an even bigger fit the next time. It did for me anyway. I don't feel right saying anything in response to others posts, since I made so many mistakes in my past two drug tapers. __________________ 94 Paxil 1 yr 95 prozac 1 wk, 95 Zoloft 50mg 96 zoloft 100mg Jun 99 cold turkey zoloft Sep 99 ativan - 1 1/2 wks Sep 99 serazone - 2 mos Oct 99 hospital 2 wks - wellbutrin - 4 days, valium, zoloft, neurontin Nov 99 effexor - 1 mo, depacote - 1 wk nov 99-01 valium taper 02- nov 04 neurontin taper apr 2006 zoloft 95mg july 85 sep 75, nov 80 dec 85 nov 2007 84 dec 81 jan 08 - 83 Jan 2009 80 Feb 77 mar 74 may 72 June 74

12-30-2007, 01:51 PM	#8
blankets Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ontario Posts: 1,205	Re: who am I? i think this is some kind of right of passage for people in protracted w/d or people who were medicated too long. it's hard to remember who you are when you've been so ...robotic, for so long. plus the w/d behaviour being so scary & not recognizing it as yourself. as the psychological symptoms fade, you'll start to see yourself come out more. when that happened for me i started philosophizing a lot about who we are in essence and how we come to terms with how our lives have gone. it is a long process but it seems like something we have to go through to make sense of everything. __________________ 1998-2006 Stops and starts because of intense w/d. Final try - Spaced each tablet out over a period of days before stopping, ended up in a protracted withdrawal for around 14 months. Paxil free April 8, 2006. I'm pretty much normal again, minus some social problems I need to work on.

12-30-2007, 05:41 PM	#9
staceyw Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Louisiana Posts: 644	Re: who am I? Robotic....that is the correct word. Lately, I've been looking around, noticing so many things that have just been glossed over for so long. For example, my husbands rear looks good in blue jeans. LOL. Haven't thought that in YEARS LOL __________________ 03/00-30mg - anxiety/panic. 07/07-upped to 40mg d/t anxiety. gained 15 lb, hypomania11/07 - From 40mg to 10mg over 1 mo. Very sick!!!Found PP site. 01/08 -10mg. 2/08, 7.5mg for 2 weeks. Back to 10mg until 4/08. 05/08 7.5mg for 2 weeks, 5 mg for 2 weeks, 2.5 mg for 1-2 weeks. last 2.5mg on 06/05/08.WD seemed to be less physical as it progressed.worst physical symptoms were during my highest dose & during the first months of my taper (zaps, flu symptoms, etc). After that - mostly emotional issues.

12-30-2007, 05:46 PM	#10
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 26,491	Re: who am I? Now THAT'S progress, Stacey!! LOL!!! __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~Kevin James

12-30-2007, 05:56 PM	#11
staceyw Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Louisiana Posts: 644	Re: who am I? most definitely. LOL __________________ 03/00-30mg - anxiety/panic. 07/07-upped to 40mg d/t anxiety. gained 15 lb, hypomania11/07 - From 40mg to 10mg over 1 mo. Very sick!!!Found PP site. 01/08 -10mg. 2/08, 7.5mg for 2 weeks. Back to 10mg until 4/08. 05/08 7.5mg for 2 weeks, 5 mg for 2 weeks, 2.5 mg for 1-2 weeks. last 2.5mg on 06/05/08.WD seemed to be less physical as it progressed.worst physical symptoms were during my highest dose & during the first months of my taper (zaps, flu symptoms, etc). After that - mostly emotional issues.

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