Two years Paxil-free update.

[blankets]

Hello there! Well, I am not really sure what to write about here. Withdrawal was one big huge step out of the hell I was already in, but it definitely increased the severity of things and it lasted a lot longer than I thought it was supposed to.

At one year off most of the symptoms that caused me daily suffering - the kind where you don't know if you'll last the hour, had left me (and if you go way back in my history you'll see I had almost every psychological symptom and a few physical ones too). The exceptions were moodiness, along with rages, negative thinking, depression, tiredness/no energy, and things like that.

Every month or two since then it has felt like I step into a different frame of mind. For an entire month I will be ANGRY, not even sure where it comes from or where to put it. A month after that I am amazingly joyful. A month after that I am depressed. A month after that anxious. Always in waves, and always right after each other like that. As the year went on, the severity of those got less and less extreme. I still get moody in waves like that, but it is starting to feel more natural.

Half way through the second year I started learning who I was again. I was on Paxil most of my youth, from the ages of 16 to 24. Everything I knew about myself was a total lie. I definitely still enjoy all the same things (and SO much MORE), but it is way more involved now. I can think better, remember things, feel emotions more clearly, analyze better, the way I react to things is.. well, I actually react etc. All awesome things as this was also my first year at university, which was tough too during all those conflicting mind sets. But I am happy to say that I got through the year, and am in-between writing exams now. Things are clearing up, and looking better all the time. There are always things to work on for myself, to better myself and to be better for others. Sometimes I forget I went through withdrawal at all. And though it is a nice thing to forget, I don't want to forget that strength. It will carry you through some really tough situations, just knowing that you endured such a difficult period and that you came out looking forward to life. Hopefully this year will be the one where things happen more smoothly, and where I can really confront the things that put me in this situation in the first place.

Keep trying, and keep your head up. Withdrawal ends, and life is so much more interesting without the drugs.

Best,
Z.

[LCrawford67]

Z...I'm so proud of you and I know you know this. But, you've come so far and you're post is an inspiration!

[summer bee]

Originally Posted by blankets

Every month or two since then it has felt like I step into a different frame of mind. For an entire month I will be ANGRY, not even sure where it comes from or where to put it. A month after that I am amazingly joyful. A month after that I am depressed. A month after that anxious. Always in waves, and always right after each other like that. As the year went on, the severity of those got less and less extreme. I still get moody in waves like that, but it is starting to feel more natural.

oh wow. Z, you put things VERY well. this is EXACTLY what happened to me, although it went in week-long cycles instead of month-long cycles. i guarantee you, a bipolar misdiagnosis would be SO EASY at that point. my oscillating moods have finally faded away into dust as well. 95% of my emotions have easily traceable causes now.

we're so similar, it seems. isn't being able to feel things just absolutely AMAZING!? music, friendship, perception...EVERYTHING has increased! you write very well about this topic & i have NO doubt that things will continue improving for you.

[leo79]

Awesome Z, I'm really pleased that you have made such progress. Thanks for posting this.

[Amaya's Nana]

Originally Posted by blankets

Sometimes I forget I went through withdrawal at all. And though it is a nice thing to forget, I don't want to forget that strength. It will carry you through some really tough situations, just knowing that you endured such a difficult period and that you came out looking forward to life.

Z - man have you come a long way. Remembering you when you first came to this board and how you are now is simply, amazing!!!! I am so happy you have come through this a better, stronger human being.

I just want to emphasize the importance of one of your statements. Forgetting about the hell of it all is such sweet relief, but it is so good to sometimes allow ourselves to live it all again to remind us just exactly how strong we are. Doing this has helped me immensely weaning a benzo and you just wrote it so eloquently. Thank you!!!

[Songbird]

I'm so glad things are so much better for you now!

[nicemom]

Congratulations! I remember a time when things were really, really bad for you. I had not been around too long and I certainly didn't understand what you were going through at that time. I do now and I know if you made it through then I can also. You are an inspiration to me! Thank you and...Good job!

[blankets]

Laurie, thank you so much. You are awesome.

Summer, feeling things again IS amazing. I think at about 10 - 12 months this was really pronounced. I would play a song and feel like it was tugging at my heart strings. I would open the window to breathe some fresh air and it was like the world was just born. I don't get feelings that intense anymore. I figure that was also a withdrawal thing because with it came the crying fits when you broke a nail style stuff but I am definitely feeling and what's even better: reacting with feelings. Someone tells a joke, I REALLY laugh at it, and then I crack one in response. No more robot. And no more brain fog!

Leo, you'll get there too. Baby steps. Thank you. And thank you too Songbird.

Lisa, absolutely. Re-entering the real world was TERRIFYING for me. I spent most of withdrawal taking small steps to overcome some of it. Going to the store alone. Taking a walk. Sitting down in public and eating a sandwich. Two years ago that would never have happened. Three years ago either. Years and years of taking Paxil really did a number on me. And I surprised myself by trying to overcome some of those things while I was still terrified, and while I had such scary and nonsensical thoughts in withdrawal. I kept trying through all of it though. Now when I am scared or nervous about something, I have to remember that not only did I endure withdrawal for a year and a bit, but I forced myself into doing things that scared me years before while I was having even worse symptoms. If I could do that realising my fears were irrational, then maybe its not fear itself that is the problem. For me the problem was building up the worries until they seemed like they were impossible to overcome. Obviously, they aren't impossible to overcome. Remembering all of this definitely helps with anxiety, but also with negative thinking in general. Somehow I am now able to sit through a room packed with 400 people for three hours, and NOT get anxious. One on ones are slightly more difficult, but I refuse to avoid those until I get better with them too.

All good things

[blankets]

Oh Diane, you will. You certainly will. I have no doubt.

[scotty]

Z.....you are living proof that even long term use from a young age isn't hopeless. Thank you for letting the thousands that are just starting this journey see this firsthand.

[Judy86]

thank you for your post. its really inspiring and im gald that you're doing so much better.

[Suzi]

Blankets, so wonderful and encouraging to hear your report of recovery. Thanks for sharing.

[since95]

Z

Thank you for this wounderful post. With 17mg left to taper, posts like this give us all hope. Good luck with everything and thanks for stopping in.

[Johnnny off Paxil]

Wonderful post and thanlk you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts.

Regards, Johnny