Hard question...difficult to post......

[roxygirl]

So, at what point do you stop blaming the past on your present actions? When I was 12, we moved from Maryland to Chicago. Both my brother and I were at critical points in our adolescence, and got put into private schools. My mothers hair fell out, my brother developed OCD and I became very extroverted. At age 14, freshman in HS, I went to apublic school at my demand. My uncle, who was 21 at the time, ( I was 14) and my idol, was accidentally shot and killed. Double the OCD on my brothers part, and my extroversion.

At age 14, I was raped by 2 guys, who were juniors in highschool. I didnt tell anyone for 11 years. When I finally told my mother, she said "I must have done something to bring it on"At Age 17, I was stalked by a former boyfrind for 3 years, beat up by him, and attemped rape. Police were involved, and said "What was I wearing" Well, it was in the middle of the night, and I was wearing a t-shirt. They said it was "my fault, because of what I was wearing"

Fast foward to 2002 where my anxiety and panic attacks brought me to a psyciatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD. Enter Paxil. At this time, I had 3 children, and 2 miscarriages within 5 years. I was a stay at home mom. I gave 110% of myself to my family. Paxil made me happy.

In 2004 (about) is when I now believe paxil made me into what I am today. At first, I chalked it up to the fact that I spent so much time at home, nurturing my family, and now that they were all in school, it was my time to discover "who I really was" I started flirting, drinking and smoking. I picked up right where I left off at age 21. I thought this was normal. I behaved in a way that potentially ruined my marriage and family.

I now know that it was partially Paxil induced. BUT, my question is this. Where, and at what point do I stop blaming my past, my pain, my trauma, the Paxil, and accept maybe this is just me? And will I continue my downward spiral??

This is a difficult question. I have a therapist, who is my angel. I have done EMDR, I have seen an alcohol counselor.

I am scared. I fully take responsibility for any action I had while on Paxil, and accept the fact that my "acting out" behavior may well ruin me.

I trust you all. Any input is incredibally appreciated.

[carolyn]

I think there's a huge difference between knowing that events in the past can shape you and "blaming" the past.

The former, which you clearly do, shows self-realization.

I don't see any of the latter in your post, which would be things like "I can't help myself because of X" or "I won't even try to change my life because of something that happened in 1950" or something.

Obviously I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you've had some **** luck and some even ****tier things happen to you, but you keep on keeping on. You sound very self-aware.

For that reason, I don't think you "have" to continue on a downwards spiral (honestly, it doesn't even seem like you're on that path right now...the last thing you mentioned was in 2004. How have you been recently?).

Blah blah blah...this is just a poorly-articulated way of saying that you have the power in your own life and you sound self-aware enough to make that into a shining superstar. Like the top of every page here says, "You are enough. You are your solution." *big hug*

[LCrawford67]

I agree with Carolyn - I don't know that you're "blaming" the past but the events that happen in our lives, do shape us. Listen, I've got stories in my past, very similar to yours and some that would probably make your hair stand up; I can't change them and I've learned from them. I was very wronged and I wronged a lot of people.

All we can do is move on and more importantly, don't live in the past. What it sounds like is more of a guilt issue, which is something I struggle with. However, what I've come to ask myself is: What is carrying all that guilt accomplishing? Absolutely nothing. Is it helping you, or anyone else? No. Is there anything you can do to change those events? No. Have you forged ahead and made a decent life? Yes. Are you kind to people now and do you surround yourself with the same type of people? Yes. Are you even remotely close to that same person you were back then? No.

Take responsibility and move on, but don't wallow in it. You're not even close to the same person you were before or during Paxil. Except and love yourself for who you are - who you were doesn't matter.

[Iksfreundin]

Well, what IS you, is you. All of it made you into what you are today, and there's no way to erase or fix or relive any of it, so unfortunately (or, in many many cases, fortunately) that part of life is done.

Do you blame it on yourself? Do you blame it on paxil? Do you blame it on youth? Do you blame it on everything outside you? Do you blame it totally on yourself? Who has that answer? However, is it worth it to place blame on your own shoulders? Should you truly carry that all on yourself?

I think in the end, it's a delicate balance. I second LCrawford in this instance; I could tell you some things that would make you have nightmares, and I'm not saying it to one-up you. The fact is, some is us and some is paxil but we shouldn't take all the blame - nor should we hand it all away.

Will you continue your downward spiral, you ask? Well that depends - is that what you want to do? The power is in your hands, but you can't (or, perhaps, shouldn't) make any decisions yet - you are still firmly on the meds and you need to be off and heading into recovery before you examine those questions and attach honest, truthful answers to them. You will change your mind another 5-10 times before you're off - you will see yourself being a dozen different people. That's what happened to me. But now that I am drug-free I get the opportunity to approach myself and try to be honest without the veil of drugs or anything else to mar my view.

Don't ask yourself these questions yet. There will be time to pick them apart in the future. Just don't give up on yourself, and it will be worth it in the end; simply to get to meet your own self.

[jenny76]

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

Take responsibility and move on, but don't wallow in it. You're not even close to the same person you were before or during Paxil. Except and love yourself for who you are - who you were doesn't matter.

Beautifully stated. I couldn't say it any better than that.

-Jenny

[tezwacker]

Originally Posted by roxygirl

So, at what point do you stop blaming the past on your present actions?

Now. You have to let the past go in order to move forward. You've been through some ****ty experiences, and as a child had no control over any of them. You can't change the past, but you can make make better choices in the present and know that you've taken away something from each experience.

We've all made choices we're not proud of; Lord knows I have. As others have said, there's nothing you can do to change those things; they are what they are. It's time to give yourself a break and let that stuff go.

It breaks my heart to see you beating yourself up, because from what I've seen on here, you are a wonderful person with a lot to give. I just wonder how many people you have made a positive difference for by your kind words and great spirit? It reminds me of the line in the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts; "It's easier to remember the bad stuff". That is so true! It's easy to hang on to the negatives and carry everything on our shoulders.

Hang in there; you'll be ok

[daisyydaisy]

You did what you thought was right with the knowledge you had at a specific age when you were a kid...with a kid brain. I think what your mad about is that you can't go back and relive those years, but the blessing is the knowledge you have gained since then, lived it, and survived.

[paxilgirl]

Roxy:

Our experiences are there to teach us and to hopefully shape us into better people. We all have had exeriences that have caused us pain. You have, I have....and how we react to them and what we learn from them shapes us into the caring human beings we are today.

Don' blame yourself for anything, or wallow in the memories.

Roxy, you are a loving mother and wife, and what you have outlined to us are your reflections and thoughts....and to reflect, and to redefine who we are is a daily excercise that we do all our lives.

Focus on the future and what you can do to make yourself the best possible human being....and keep the past where it belongs...in the past.

Hugs sweetie,

PG

[Willy]

Anyone who says it was your fault you were raped is horribly wrong. Some girls may put themselves in situations where it's EASY or MORE LIKELY for them to get raped but it's ultimately the raper's fault. He's the one that made the decision. Even if someone believes it is the girl's fault they should never tell them that. It just makes it that much worse. I know Paxil has made me who I am today. Without it I probably never would have done many of the things I did. It had it's side effects but it was the calmest time of my life. I did what I had to do at the time. No doctor ever said go get therapy. It was just "take this it's great, it's a wonder drug". I think anyone would have done the same. Everyone trusts doctors in the beginning.

[explorer35]

Thanks for all the wonderful support for Roxy. She needs it.

Roxy, I know you. I know you are an incredible and strong person.
When you put yourself into situations that don't represent these characteristics it is very scary to me.
I fear that the past could repeat itself.
In fact in many ways it already has.

No one is perfect, you don't have to be.


Please lean on me.

[Gibby]

Roxy,
I don't have a lot to add to what everybody else has said to you except: I think you've had a rough childhood, but I also think it has made you a stronger person. I do not think you are on a downward spiral, I think your on an uphill climb and your close to the top. You just keep on climbing and your going to get there and when you get to the top you can look down at everybody and say "Hell yes I made it!"

From what I have read on here you have a good head on your shoulders, you have a husband that loves you very much and you have every reason to keep on moving forward!

Sometimes our past sux, but there's not a darn thing we can do about it now except maybe learn from it. You can't dwell on it or it will get the best of you. One of my favorite sayings is...Everyone has skeleton's in thier closet, it's just some have a few more bones than others.

I think you are a very strong person to have made it as far as you have with the past you've had to carry with you, but always know that you don't have to carry it around with you anymore.

Just wanted to let you know that I care!

[scotty]

Originally Posted by explorer35

No one is perfect, you don't have to be.


Please lean on me.

Nothing else to be said.

[scotslass]

Dear Roxy, I think you basically answered your own questions in your post. You seem very self aware to me darlin' and are obviously a survivor. The past as horrifying as it was is literally now just a thought in your head honey,dont let it get the best of you.You did the best you could at each stage of your life.It is very easy to look back on our past and condemn ourselves for what we believe we did or did not do but I have come to truly believe that each of us does the best we can with the knowledge and wisdom that is available to us at that time.

"When you know better,you do better"

I am so sorry for everything awful that has happened to you sweetie.
You are a powerful testament to the indomnitability of the human spirit though so my prayers of love and strength go out to you.

much love scotslass

[commish]

Hi Roxy,
There is so much of our past that boils down to choices and unfortunately they weren't all yours. Some one chose to impose there phsical and mental will on you and that was not your doing. As some ones esle here said you reacted in a way a child of limited experience would. Choices of the past are what memories are made off some good some bad. But thats what they are memories. They need not define who you are and what road you travel today. The other thing past choices can be called is experience and you can learn from that. Other peoples choices are not always bad.A good man has made the choice to want to love and protect you .
I guess the good news in all this is every minute of everyday you have the power to make choices. Some choices may have to be remade every minute of every day for awhile until they stick but that is a good thing.
Borrow some energy and strength from the one who chose you he will give it
freely. In the end it will make you both stonger.
For what its worth
Cheers
Dale

[roxygirl]

A heartfelt thank you to all that responded. I can not begin to tell you how much it means to me to have your support, your stories, your hugs, and your strength. I was actually crying at work reading the responses. Having a therapist to talk to is one thing, but talking to people who have actually traveled a similar path is encouraging and inspiring! Thank you all for letting me walk this journey with you. Love and hugs.

[Charlie]

Roxy,
First just let me say God bless you for continuing to fight. You said you were blamed for being raped..... You did nothing wrong!!!!!! A man has no right to force himself on a woman no way no how and it doesn't matter if she's completely naked. No means no!!!

You are not broken and you are not a bad person. I think what needs to be learned from this is that if it wasn't your fault you shouldn't shoulder the blame or guilt.

Explorer, you my friend are a hell of a man. Roxy, take him up on his offer. Together the troubles in life are halved and the joys doubled.

God bless you both!

[roxygirl]

Thanks, Charlie, your words are those of wisdom, and I take them to heart. Convincing Explorer to ride out this part of my life is something I will fight for. Hugs to you!

[paxilgirl]

Let him ride with you as your pain is truely halved....as Charlie so beautfiully said, but don't dwell on the past Roxy...it does you no good and it hurts us more. I learned the hard way.

To acknowledge it wasn't your fault is so very hard to do...we wonder if it was, but it isn't, but to do so is but one step in the healing process.

[Gibby]

Roxy
Just wanted to add, that you know when you are having a bad day or a hard time dealing with things, you can always come on here and somebody will be here to talk with you and also remember you always have Exlporer by your side.

Listen to Charile's advice !!

Praying for you to find away to erase those bad memories from your mind and hope that soon your able to move forward with your life.