A newbie here, wanted to introduce myself~

[Dawnie]

Wanted to introduce myself. I am Dawn, a 38 year old mom from Florida. I have been on Paxil for six years. I went on after my mom died and my second daughter was born, within 3 weeks time. It was wonderful at first, but things went downhill recently. I tried to get off the drug and was down to 5mgs! I ended up having some stressors and thought I should go up to 10mgs. I ended up having more anxiety and was told to go up. I went from 10 to 25CR, then to 37.5CR, then 40 regular, and felt the worst I have ever felt in my life. I took it upon myself to go to 30 and then 20 pretty quickly which is where I am now, feeling awful! I have been at 20 now for almost 2 weeks and am waiting to stabilize. (the wait is awful)
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Through all the dose changes recently, I had dark scary thoughts and feelings which really frightened me also. I keep telling myself it is just the drug, it's not me, but after a while you start to feel like you are loosing it and there is no way back to ME.

What gets me is that I was down to 5mgs!!!! for 2 months, when we had a family coming to stay with us for a week and I thought I better go back to 10mgs (worst decision).
Time wise:
I was on 10mgs for 3 weeks, then upped it to 20mgs for 1 day (horrible) and back down to 10mgs for 11 days.
Then went to 25CR for 17 days, then 37.5 CR for 27 days....
the worst was yet to come when the DR switched me over to 40mgs regular Paxil (not time released). I was on that for 9 days and I thought dark horrible thoughts and felt like a different person. Yes, the anxiety was finally gone, but so was I.

After 9 days I went down to about 30mgs (cutting the 40s) for 6 days. Well I guess I wasn't cutting them evenly and felt so so so bad. I went and got the actual 30mg pills and took them for 7 days. (so like 13 days on 30mgs).

I then went to 20 mgs and have been there now for 10 days.

So I have been on this horrible merry-go-round of going up up up and now trying to come down down down.

I thought I better stop at 20mg for a while and I pray that my body and brain will adjust from all the ups and downs. Please some one tell me that I will feel better again and I have not damaged my brain for good by going up and then down so fast.

Some days I feel ok (anxious in the morning, spacey/out of body during the day and better by night) but some days I feel awful, sick, sad, scared, angry, etc.

I feel sometimes like I am not capable of being a good mom to my girls, a good wife for my husband....sometimes I feel so far away from them it scares me.
I just try to function through the day and not let people know what I am going through.....

I have lost my confidence...I don't like to go to my kid's school right now because I feel so not like myself. I am not taking any new clients on because I don't feel good in my own skin right now and I fear it would show.

So is there hope for me? Have I screwed myself up so much by going from 40 to 20 so fast?

Besides the emotional stuff (feeling fogged out, strange, worried, angry, etc) I also have boughts of nausea, diareah!!, lack of energy (but I MAKE myself exercise), loss of appetite (can't keep weight on) aching in my fingers, etc.

Thank you all so much in advance for listening and replying.
Dawnie

[scotty]

Welcome Dawn! First and foremost you are not alone in what you are experiencing. The dosage changes are what are getting to you. Stay at 20mg.....ride out any bad stuff, knowing that it will resolve. Stop going up and down and just stay where you are! This will take a few weeks at least to stabilize. Then and ONLY then should you consider weaning off. We can walk you through that process to minimize the withdrawal effects.
The horrible thoughts are SO common in withdrawal. Know and repeatedly tell yourself that this IS withdrawal and not the real you.

[Dawnie]

I was hoping to feel better by 2 weeks on 20mgs but man, some days it just gets worse!

Do you think a month will be enough for me to stablize? I just wanna feel normal again.

*hugs*
Dawn

[scotty]

No one can give you a definite timeline. With all the ups and down in dosing a month is probaly a reasonable expectation, but nothing is carved in stone. Just hold on tight and you'll get stable!!

[TryingtoGetWell]

Welcome Dawnie!

I can't add anything to Scotty's excellent advice, just wanted to say that your brain is probably physically "confused" by all the dosage changes recently, and those of us who have had that are very familiar with your symptoms.

I know it's hard, but try not to impose a timeline on your brain. It's trying to find stability again, and it will indeed do that. Give it the time it needs, and know that you can post here for moral support anytime you need to. We understand and care.

And it may help to know that hard as this time is for you, once you do get stabilized, the members of this site can guide you through a much gentler taper which will not cause the kind of chaos your brain is going through now.

In the meantime, try to reduce any stresses in your life that you can (I think you're wise to hold off on taking on new clients til you feel better). And is it possible that family members or friends can give some extra help with your kids until you're stabilized?

If your husband needs guidance on how to support you through this, he's welcome to join this group too. We have many spouses and other family members of people going through withdrawal, and they are always welcome and will find a lot of advice and support from others who are trying to help family members through a time that's very much like being ill.

Again, welcome, and we're here for you whenever you need it!