An update by dan

[dan86]

Hello dear friends.

I'm writing for you after a looong period of not being here. As I was feeling a lot better during the last +/- 2 months, I didn't feel the need to visit PP. I'm terribly sorry for not posting anything during that time, I know it's very selfish but I felt like I left this part behind and just want to keep healing my brain and get on with life.

During that time a lot of things have changed. My mood became a lot better. I found myself joking, laughing, being a lot more with friends and restarting long abandoned activities (computer games, renting tons of dvds, board games, guitar playing and more).

I fired my CBT psychologist as he insisted on me going to a psychiatrist due to me being suicidal. Also, he wouldn't agree with me that the drugs are the root of the problem, constantly saying (in a sweetened, soft way) that I was ****ed up to begin with or that I would "snap" sooner or later as I was predisposed to going crazy, something neither I nor anyone who knows me agrees with or think makes sense considering the obvious drug factor.

I told one of my close friends about what happened to me, that brought some relief and I highly suggest that to you. Make sure you choose a good, reliable friend who you can trust. someone who won't judge you and especially one who knows you for a long time, and knows your personality through and through.

I started working a 9:00-18:00 job, something I never thought possible due to being constantly tired at the beginning, but I had energy and excelled at that job being one of the top productive workers. I ignored my vision, eyes, mood and motor problems and I stuck with it saying to myself that it will all go away anyway, sooner or later. I had crying spells, so I would step out of my workplace and go cry somewhere. I used to make phone calls and cry at that time, to my family.
Every time I would get back to work, after 15-20 minutes of that thinking that at least I find some value in myself doing something once again.

I stopped taking fish oil and magnesium, and didn't take any supplement until recently. I don't know if that was good or bad (probably bad), I was just so into living my every day life (job, hobbies, friends) that I totally forgot about those.

And then the current wave began. First, I smelled the medicine. Some of you may know what I'm talking about, each of these drugs have a distinctive smell. I guess more of it released from some brain tissue or something, I really don't know. I just knew this is not going to be good.

Since then (more or less 2 weeks ago) things went downhill, and rather fast. What got damaged is: motor function (hands, legs), body feeling got worse, my neck muscles feel like they're decomposing, eyes are hard to move around and blinking feels hard to do, tingling feelings in my head (all sides) during the day that feel like my brain is slowly but surely destroying itself, this happens especially when I do something that requires thinking or being a bit stressed. (I noticed that especially during intensive computer games, things that distract me the best from this hell), long term memory severely damaged - most of the time I can't see pictures from my life inside my mind, it's like I was born 5 seconds ago, short term memory screwed up, concentration changes from aweful to O.k and back again, ear ringing once every week or so, reddish brown stuff coming out of my ears, difficulty walking (that changes too), not feeling my pulse sometimes, severe depression and crying spells, (including anger, rage, despair), and more crazy stuff I never thought even existed.

My parents totally trust what I say now, and know it's been a tragic (to say the least) mistake to let me take those brain disabling drugs. And still, it's hard for them to tolerate my behavior during the depressive/raging/touchy states and they argue with me, something that is very hard for me to take and make me suicidal. I almost committed suicide one day, started marching towards the closest bridge from my workplace, standing on top and looking down on the road, thinking which truck has the best shape to finish me off quickly. I called my dad and he came rushing, and we both cried for an hour.

I do not intend to take anymore neurotoxic substances, I'd rather die. I feel constant despair, don't know what to do and what my future is going to be like. It's like I lost control over my life, nothing I can do can pull me out of this miserable, tragic situation and back to living my dreams and being smart and strong. I blame myself all the time for being so dumb, swallowing a pill I didn't bother to research the consequences of properly. I have destroyed my life, all my dreams are gone. I will never have the education I always wanted, I will never sigh and say "wow, life's so good" (I remember doing that so many times during my childhood and adolescence). I had a happy childhood and I had all the chances in the world to make it big time, help people and change the world. Now I'm a brain damaged mental case, without memories or any worth whatsoever. I lower my expectations of myself every time, and come to terms with the idea that my life won't be as good as I wanted, but then new things kick in and I become less of myself. Why bother being optimistic? I literally feel my brain becoming smaller, my essence and so-called "soul" being sucked out of me. I'm not a religious person at all (although I do and have always respected people of faith), but I believe there is a soul in every person that resides in your brain. And that soul of mine is shattered and taking hits on a daily basis. I'm losing hope.

I started reading a lot about SSRI's again. I started reading about brain damage and diseases such as Alzheimer and ALS. I started reading all the worst stories out there, in PP too, hoping I won't get delusional or sleepless like some people have, but it gets me down.

The absolute worst thing I feel is that as time goes by I'm not healing, I'm just being destroyed.

I'm sorry for the wall of text above, and if you bothered reading this I thank you. I wish you all to get your brain back to being fully functional.

[Betsy]

Dan,
I'm sad you are feeling so miserable. You are worth fighting for,no matter what your withdrawing mind tells you. You are in withdrawal after having a adverse reaction. It will take some time, but you are worth the effort to work through this. I PROMISE! I remember being in MY version of what you have written. It's a scary horrible torturing place to be.

I'd suggest that you stop reading about SSRIs and ALS, that will get you nowhere, only further into depression. Relive those wonderful childhood days and tell yourself you will feel good again. You will, but it takes time for our bodies to heal. And I know that time is fulled with nightmare thoughts, I've had to work through those too, wondering if I would make it. But Our families love us, and want to help us. I have a great faith in a Heavenly Father as well. He will help us. One of the songs I listen to when I am where you are is Avril Levinge's

Keep Holdin' On, check it out on You tube. I think of it as Him talking to me.

He will fight and defend and carry us through.

The other song I listen to is Josh Groban's "You Are Loved". I cry and cry, when my body will let me, sometimes the anxiety keeps me from crying. But I KNOW my family feels the same way about me and it is worth it to them that I fight this battle. They love me and I am of great value to them, even when i feel like being gone might be easier on them. It would be harder on them actually. Med induced anxiety is THE worst. It lies even more than original anxiety. It twists thoughts and caused extreme physical pain and drags us through emotional pain we never knew could exists, let alone survive. But we can survive. I wish I knew your answers. I have come to know a few answers for myself, but I can't promise they will work for you.

But I DO KNOW that yo ARE WORTH IT! Please, do not forget that. I'm sorry for you circumstances, my prayers go out to you.

Keep posting we'll be here for you.

Betsy

[Laney]

Dan,

Please don't lose hope! You have to believe that things will change. I am very sorry that you are being forced to go through this. I feel that way about myself sometimes too. Like I'm being forced to go through this crap all because I followed my physician's orders. I knew nothing about these drugs at all. I assumed they've got to be o.k. or why would he suggest it. Well, I know way better now and I try to educate pretty much anyone close enough to me about the dangers of these drugs.

But back to you, I will be thinking and praying for relief for you. I'm not ashamed to say that I believe in the power of prayer. It's not just blind faith to me. With that said, we'll be here for you!!

Laney

[LCrawford67]

The beginning of your post you talk about how well you've been doing, ups and downs, but basically very well.

So now, a wave hit you two weeks ago - that most definitely doesn't mean you're not healing, you've posted how far you've come and how much better you were feeling in the beginning of your post so don't think for one second it's doom and despair now because of a wave.

Start back on your supplements, get back to the things you were doing before this wave hit. This won't last and this isn't permanent, you've proven that already.

Yes, this experience absolutely changes you and it causes a fair amount of PTSD, but that doesn't mean you can't accomplish the things you want to, I don't believe that for a second.

As Betsy stated, now is not the time to start reading the horror stories and keep this in mind - no one on this board has ALS or Alzheimer's - so stop doing this to your self. Bottom line is this: No one here knows what life has in store for them as they age. You can't blame SSRIs, especially after such a short period of use, on something that may never happen to you, especially 40+ years from now.

[elixirmonkii]

Dan,

I know it seems confusing that taking something for a short period of time can have such drastic effects, especially when stopped. I took 2 tablets of Prozac as prescribed, went haywire, and it has been 4 months since then with barely any improvement. I can say, however, that some of the worse symptoms did drop off, which was a relief in itself. I regained back some of my libido, lost the mental agitation, but seem to be an emotional wreck still. I seem to cry alot lately, for a while I would cry over the death of a squirrel. Prior to all this, I had a very upregulated nervous system and could probably mow down squirrels with a machine gun, and not shed a tear. So, we find that our nervous system and our brain are in a state of confusion. They are used to recognizing our bodies natural substances, not foreign materials or drugs. In talking with my Mom recently, she was telling me it took her 2 years to feel better after 6 months of use of an anti-depressant. I have decided to figure that even though I didn't use them for that long, that it may take 2 or more years to shake these feelings. After all, it took us a long time to develop into adults from a fearful, childlike state. Our mature brains wonder why the world has become a scary place again. I know alot of people have recovered to some degree and probably some fully. A couple years down the road, they are probably very glad that they didn't throw themselves off that bridge because they are using life to the full. But what I think about is that I don't want to let someone else be in control of me using a pill or any other means. I would rather have my spirit back, and deal with the anxiety. Some day, I may organize a trip for us all to load up all with anti-depressants and dump them in the water supply of all who have had a share in creating this nightmare - I take it one day at a time, and 2 months ago, I was a thousand times worse. So, I dont know if I have faced the worse to come, but I know what I have faced before, and I have seen relief once. Bring it on, I can make it through the day. Somehow, most of us have made it through a number of days of sheer hell. It is amazing to us to think how we survived such horror. One day at a time is a victory over one day. How many victories do you have?

[leo79]

Dan,

I relate entirely to your situation. I have been there and I am still going through it. Anxiety is pretty unpleasant at this level of things. This is the mind just trying to keep you safe but it has gone into overdrive and so now throws out crazy stuff. You will then be able to find things that work for you by observing this process. It takes time though - I know how hard this is just wanting to feel better instantly and especially if you had a decent window. I had a lot of despair and still do. I noticed the despair is when I resist what is happening and feel like there are no solutions. This is basically what happened to me though - i got better for a while ( although not great ) and then got sick again.

[been there done that]

Hi Dan your post is very much how I feel many days. I would like to say please don't blame yourself for taking medication deemed safe and given by a doctor this blame belongs elsewhere.
I too read a ton of stuff that sometimes scares me. There are times it floors me and times it inspires me. I feel in a way that I have this battle to fight and I need to prepare myself to fight a good battle cause really I do intend to win. I have days like you are having today where I am floored but I do get back up... you are in one of those bad places that will pass. They come and they go problem is when you are in it you can't see out -no windows -hang tight my freind it will pass.

[mgk]

Hi Dan,
I have been staying in the background not posting for a few years now but checking in regularly as I too had a severe reaction to ssri's. I had to respond to your post because after reading your signature, your experience seems a lot like mine. After the birth of my daughter in May 2006, I was given some sample lexapro tablets by the 24 hour doctor - they were lying around in his office.... I wasn't sleeping and felt like my anxiety was getting out of control and I was desprerate to get back in control and just look after my baby girl. The doctor said to take one or two tablets that night. I did that because, like I said, I just wanted to look after my daughter. After taking one then two 10mg lexapro tablets I spent the night going through an experience that I thought that no human could endure. Somehow I did, but I knew I was in trouble. Like you said "all hell broke loose" a few weeks later after taking only 2 tablets. I then experienced all the worst possible syptoms that you can imagine. I was TOTALLY conviced that I won't be able to live throught whatever it was I was going through. I truly thought that I had gone insane or had some illness that no one else had experienced until I discovered this site. To make matters worse, I was given paxil (up to 40mgs) and then depakote in a effort to stabilise me over the next few months. "Luckily" the psychiatrist I was seeing who specialised in Post Natal Depression, was also a specialist in medications and he knew that I must get off everything which I did over about 2 months. I started to get slowly better after about 6 months to a year after experiencing feelings that I did not think existed they were so severe. If there was a scale of human suffering with 10 being the highest, I felt like I was living thorough a 12 for months. I could barely make it through a minute. I honestly thought I would be damaged by not only the tablets but by the experience itself. But, I educated myself through this site and other books and completed mindfullness therapy and today, over 2 years later I am COMPLETELY recovered and I have never felt this strong within myself. Now all I worry about if I will get any long term effects ....but that's another story It will take time, but I really believe you will get back to who you were (even better) like Idid.

[dan86]

Hi everyone.
I couldn't thank you enough for your kind and encouraging words. Unfortunately, another wave just hit me yesterday. After being extermely suicidal again, I suddenly felt the need to lie down and sleep again. I crawled into my bed and the same sensation I had 1 week after CTing Lexapro hit me again. I felt like I'm going to lose control over myself, like this time I'm really going insane. I felt smells and sensations in my head that are beyond imagination. Then, the cold wave hit me and I started shaking like a madman. After that, a heat wave which made me sweat cold sweat. Then I fell asleep for a few hours. During the last week or so, I have a constant tingling sensation behind my forehead. Also, my ability to withstand stress worsened. It's like everything is coming through to me, loud voices, tone of speech, all stress me out completely. I was never a person who stresses out easily. PSSD got worse as well. I feel weird, like I was destroyed a lot more this time. Started taking supplements again, I hope it would help.

[been there done that]

You are at the nine month stage often this is a difficult time for all of us. Take it easier if you can attend to your self relaxation cds rest whatever helps to ease the discomfort. One bad therapist does not make them all bad perhaps a new one would be more to you liking. There are a lot of suggestions for self care on here. As usual what works for one may not work for others so you have to keep trying to see what helps you. Take good care.
Peace Sandy

[Mixter]

I understand your despair because I've been there and been seriously suicidal after my CT taper of high Efexor 300mg dose, with very very intense side effects that crept on me. But I think you can do it, you has been 9 months off and that worst wave hit you now, then I think you get some relief and the next bad wave like at 11 months hit you, and after that you maybe get much better and eventually after one year completely recover. I hope it does go faster than so for you. Life is worth to live (even if it is hell it has a meaning) we only get stronger surviving. We all are soldiers and have to survive, we only have one life this time and if we die our relatives will be so sad beyond imagination. I have felt same as you, looking outside of the window in despair and felt this very bad feeling of despair, torment, pain, not possible enduring, the akathisia was the worst for me. I think you will go through. I promise you it will end one day very soon. Take care and HEAL. Hugs, Tim