Sad today need some support

lavamama · 11-01-2008, 11:11 AM

Yesterday was my birthday (as Scotia so kindly posted, thank you all for the well wishes) and I really wanted to have a good day with my family. I got off of work early and decided to go pick up Thom so we could spend the day together with our daughter and my mom doing birthday type things before we went out trick or treating. Big mistake!

I really wanted to believe that we could all be together and have a good time but from the moment that I picked Thom up I could tell I had made a bad decision. We went to my mom's house to get our daughter (who had spent the morning making a very special cake to share with our family) and from the moment we walked in the door Lo (our daughter) whined and cried and argued with Thom. He went with us to get the gift from my mom and argued the whole way (made a bbig deal about wearing his seatbelt, picked fights with Lo etc), it was miserable. So I told him I was going to take him home to rest before we went trick or treating. We dropped him off and we all immediately breathed a huge sigh of relief because the stress left almost immediately.

I'll wrap it up because this is already pretty long. We went to pick him up later to trick or treat and Lolita told him she wanted him to stay home and pass out candy while just she and I went out. He seemed to be okay with that but I could see that he felt bad inside which made me cry. When we got back a couple of hours later he had gone already (had plans to go to a party with his friends). We went back to my mom's house to sleep and he called around 10:00 asking if he could take the van to Salt Lake (about 40 minutes drive). I told him I didn't think it was a good idea that he drive (he hasn't felt comfortable driving for some time) and also the driver side window is broken (it's stuck half-way down) and the gas was low. He responded fairly well but I could sense the irritation in his voice.

When I hung up the phone, I burst into tears because it feels so bad having to tell him he can't use the car to go somewhere with his friends. I was crying because he didn't go trick or treating with us, crying because I feel better when I'm not around him, crying because I don't see any resolution to our current problems, crying because he thinks he is fine and I know he isn't, crying because I know he is lonely.

I just needed to vent to someone.

babs · 11-01-2008, 11:59 AM

I's sorry your birthday was so lousy, and for all the other stuff you've been going through! All your feelings are so valid and normal, but painful I know. Sending you some (((((hugs))))).

BlueEyes · 11-01-2008, 12:21 PM

There are times that just nothing seems to go right....you have every right to be sad and frustrated.....sometimes life can just be downright tough....

{{{Huge hugs}}} to you.....be kind to yourself, and know that "this too shall pass"....

Terri

lavamama · 11-01-2008, 02:22 PM

Thanks you guys. I'm just so sad. It sucks! I chose not to call Thom today, thought I'd let him make the move if he wants contact and so far no call. I suppose I should feel relieved that I have break today but I just can't push this out of my mind.

scotty · 11-01-2008, 03:33 PM

One day at a time....that's truly all you can do.

AussieGirl · 11-02-2008, 09:07 AM

Hi there lavamama I dont know your story but I do know what it is like to feel sad and alone. You are amongst cyber friends here and peole who truly understand. I hope you are having a much better day. Be kind to yourself

Cayte · 11-02-2008, 01:24 PM

Oh I am sorry for your horrible day.
You can only take each day as it comes, and, sad as it is, I guess a birthday is just another day in the scale of things.
Apart from knowing how you feel and sending you my love, there's not really much else I can say.

Nelly · 11-04-2008, 03:41 AM

BaBs

I remember you going through a terrible spot of depression last year when I was here. How are you now with more time that has passed? I have often wondered how you are getting on.

Blessings

lavamama · 11-04-2008, 10:42 AM

Thanks everyone who responded. My sadness has been replaced with simple melancholy. Thom and I talked yesterday morning for about an hour and again last night. The dreaded "D" word was discussed and agreed upon by both of us. He is the one who brought it up and while I suppose I feel some relief that he is the one who initiated the conversation I'm confused. I have been considering this for quite some time and ironically was looking at the steps required to file divorce (or at least legal separation) in Utah yesterday afternoon.

I'm bothered that things have not worked out and I partly blame the Paxil but there were other things too. And maybe the other things are because of the Paxil also but I don't know for sure. I'm worried about Thom and how he is going to manage without me. He is an adult but he is quite sick at the moment, he can't work and he doesn't believe he has a disability so trying to file for SSI seems pointless if he thinks he's fine. He has no place to go. I suppose he was able to support himself before we met and will be able to support himself again after we have divorced.

Anyone been through a divorce with a small child and can offer advice? We want it to be amicable. I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me. I know that there will still be ups and downs (even if it is an amicable parting).

Thanks again to everyone who has offered there support and love.

babs · 11-04-2008, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nelly

BaBs

I remember you going through a terrible spot of depression last year when I was here. How are you now with more time that has passed? I have often wondered how you are getting on.

Blessings

I'm doing much better these days, Nelly, thanks. My depression last year was situational (I don't consider it "withdrawal depression") and it cleared up before too long.

Lavamama, I'm sorry that your situation has come to this ... but I suppose getting it resolved will be some sort of relief even though it's very sad. I feel for you and what you're going through.

Lilly · 11-04-2008, 09:29 PM

I'm sorry Lava. Sounds like almost every holiday we had this last year. Even our 31 anniversay. We've had that conversation a million times and it never comes to pass and never will. Just ride it, Get the thoughts out of your head cause its not going to happen and do not even discuss it with him. Twice I told him fine, go do it! Right!

Give it few days.
Lilly

Gibby · 11-04-2008, 09:50 PM

I have to agree with Lilly. I honestly think it's more of his thoughts going on in his mind. My husband and I have been married 22 years and the "D" word had never been mentioned until paxil took over his thoughts. I finally told him that yeah maybe we should get a divorce, I then gave him a couple days to think about it and HE decided that divorce was too final and that wasn't what he wanted.

Hang in there and I will be saying a prayer for you and Thom and your daughter.

Just give it some time Lava, don't jump to quick, if that's not what you want.

11-01-2008, 11:11 AM	#1
lavamama Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 374	Sad today need some support Yesterday was my birthday (as Scotia so kindly posted, thank you all for the well wishes) and I really wanted to have a good day with my family. I got off of work early and decided to go pick up Thom so we could spend the day together with our daughter and my mom doing birthday type things before we went out trick or treating. Big mistake! I really wanted to believe that we could all be together and have a good time but from the moment that I picked Thom up I could tell I had made a bad decision. We went to my mom's house to get our daughter (who had spent the morning making a very special cake to share with our family) and from the moment we walked in the door Lo (our daughter) whined and cried and argued with Thom. He went with us to get the gift from my mom and argued the whole way (made a bbig deal about wearing his seatbelt, picked fights with Lo etc), it was miserable. So I told him I was going to take him home to rest before we went trick or treating. We dropped him off and we all immediately breathed a huge sigh of relief because the stress left almost immediately. I'll wrap it up because this is already pretty long. We went to pick him up later to trick or treat and Lolita told him she wanted him to stay home and pass out candy while just she and I went out. He seemed to be okay with that but I could see that he felt bad inside which made me cry. When we got back a couple of hours later he had gone already (had plans to go to a party with his friends). We went back to my mom's house to sleep and he called around 10:00 asking if he could take the van to Salt Lake (about 40 minutes drive). I told him I didn't think it was a good idea that he drive (he hasn't felt comfortable driving for some time) and also the driver side window is broken (it's stuck half-way down) and the gas was low. He responded fairly well but I could sense the irritation in his voice. When I hung up the phone, I burst into tears because it feels so bad having to tell him he can't use the car to go somewhere with his friends. I was crying because he didn't go trick or treating with us, crying because I feel better when I'm not around him, crying because I don't see any resolution to our current problems, crying because he thinks he is fine and I know he isn't, crying because I know he is lonely. I just needed to vent to someone. __________________ "When you come to the edge of all the light that you have, and you make the decision to step out into the darkness of the unknown...there will either be something absolutely solid to stand on or you will learn to fly."

11-01-2008, 11:59 AM	#2
babs Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 4,942	Re: Sad today need some support I's sorry your birthday was so lousy, and for all the other stuff you've been going through! All your feelings are so valid and normal, but painful I know. Sending you some (((((hugs))))). __________________ Babs Paxil 20mg 1994-2005 2 failed attempts to quit Tapered Jan-April 2005 Paxil-free since May 1, 2005 "Glinda the Good Witch informed her that she had the power to go home all along; all she had to do was click her heels together. Why hadn't she told Dorothy that in the first place? Because, explains Glinda, she wouldn't have believed it, she had to learn it for herself."

11-01-2008, 12:21 PM	#3
BlueEyes Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Northern New Jersey Posts: 715	Re: Sad today need some support There are times that just nothing seems to go right....you have every right to be sad and frustrated.....sometimes life can just be downright tough.... {{{Huge hugs}}} to you.....be kind to yourself, and know that "this too shall pass".... Terri __________________ On Prozac/Trazodone since 1991 Tried unsuccessfully to come off it "the doctor's way" 3 separate time. Weaned myself off Trazodone 2006 Started off at 25 mg of Prozac in 2006 Slow my own slow wean of 1 mg every 4-6 weeks From 2008 - Dec 21, 2008 - 3.5 mg Jan 27, 2009 - 3 mg; Feb 23, 2009 - 2.5 mg March 25, 2009 - 2 mg; April 21, 2009 - 1.5 mg June 6, 2009 - 1 mg; July 14, 2009 - 0.5 mg LAST DAY OF PROZAC - August 13, 2009!!!!

11-01-2008, 02:22 PM	#4
lavamama Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 374	Re: Sad today need some support Thanks you guys. I'm just so sad. It sucks! I chose not to call Thom today, thought I'd let him make the move if he wants contact and so far no call. I suppose I should feel relieved that I have break today but I just can't push this out of my mind. __________________ "When you come to the edge of all the light that you have, and you make the decision to step out into the darkness of the unknown...there will either be something absolutely solid to stand on or you will learn to fly."

11-01-2008, 03:33 PM	#5
scotty Administrator & Advocate Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: new jersey Posts: 38,590	Re: Sad today need some support One day at a time....that's truly all you can do. __________________ AKA Laurie "If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." ~Frank A. Clark

11-02-2008, 09:07 AM	#6
AussieGirl Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 1,223	Re: Sad today need some support Hi there lavamama I dont know your story but I do know what it is like to feel sad and alone. You are amongst cyber friends here and peole who truly understand. I hope you are having a much better day. Be kind to yourself __________________ 1988-1997:Nardil ( MAOI) for PND & Panic attacks 1997: Off Nardil & comm.Paxil 60mgs 1998:Went c/t. w/d was awful . Went back on 40mgs paxil. 1998-2001: 20-10mgs paxil. 2002: 20mgs paxil whilst pregnant. Daughter 2 months prem 8th Sept.08 To 10mgsTHEN found this site!!!! 31st Oct. 10mgs struggling 1stDec.9mgs1stJan09.8mgs1stFeb.7.5mgs 28March6.8mgs23rdapril6.1mgspharmacist liquid23rdMay5.5mgs15Jun5mgs7thJuly4.5mgs[[b]23rdJulyCrashed. Back to 10mgs.

11-02-2008, 01:24 PM	#7
Cayte Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 4,320	Re: Sad today need some support Oh I am sorry for your horrible day. You can only take each day as it comes, and, sad as it is, I guess a birthday is just another day in the scale of things. Apart from knowing how you feel and sending you my love, there's not really much else I can say. __________________ Anti-deps since summer 1990. 12 years of Paxil....Quick taper from Aug-Nov 2006. (Not recommended). I struggle if I'm being honest. Still small benzo dosage to tackle. July'09 From 2.5mg- @ 2mg ( hot) now @1.75mg just horrid! After nearly 3 years free....August '09 on 20mg Prozac... VERY disappointed! 'Sometimes you have to be lost to understand yourself!'

11-04-2008, 03:41 AM	#8
Nelly Join Date: May 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 304	Re: Sad today need some support BaBs I remember you going through a terrible spot of depression last year when I was here. How are you now with more time that has passed? I have often wondered how you are getting on. Blessings __________________ 1994 20mg aropax exhaustion after 1st baby 2002 10mg major poopout 2004 15 May 07 tapered too fast crash and burn 23rd Aug 07 stablised at 15mg start tapering again by less than 10% every 4 weeks 26 September 09 0mg paxil free. 2yrs1months taper

11-04-2008, 10:42 AM	#9
lavamama Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 374	Re: Sad today need some support Thanks everyone who responded. My sadness has been replaced with simple melancholy. Thom and I talked yesterday morning for about an hour and again last night. The dreaded "D" word was discussed and agreed upon by both of us. He is the one who brought it up and while I suppose I feel some relief that he is the one who initiated the conversation I'm confused. I have been considering this for quite some time and ironically was looking at the steps required to file divorce (or at least legal separation) in Utah yesterday afternoon. I'm bothered that things have not worked out and I partly blame the Paxil but there were other things too. And maybe the other things are because of the Paxil also but I don't know for sure. I'm worried about Thom and how he is going to manage without me. He is an adult but he is quite sick at the moment, he can't work and he doesn't believe he has a disability so trying to file for SSI seems pointless if he thinks he's fine. He has no place to go. I suppose he was able to support himself before we met and will be able to support himself again after we have divorced. Anyone been through a divorce with a small child and can offer advice? We want it to be amicable. I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me. I know that there will still be ups and downs (even if it is an amicable parting). Thanks again to everyone who has offered there support and love. __________________ "When you come to the edge of all the light that you have, and you make the decision to step out into the darkness of the unknown...there will either be something absolutely solid to stand on or you will learn to fly."

11-04-2008, 09:29 PM	#11
Lilly Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Northwest Posts: 7,169	Re: Sad today need some support I'm sorry Lava. Sounds like almost every holiday we had this last year. Even our 31 anniversay. We've had that conversation a million times and it never comes to pass and never will. Just ride it, Get the thoughts out of your head cause its not going to happen and do not even discuss it with him. Twice I told him fine, go do it! Right! Give it few days. Lilly __________________ 1 .5 Xanax a day for one month. C/T. Same year, 3 .5 mil Xanax a day, 4 by the end. Pooped out on me. 1 1/2 years on the drug. Doctors taper. Very bad w/d. 9 months later took 10 mg Paxil and my Xanax w/d dissapeared. On 20 mg by end. Pooped out on me. C/T then restarted it again after 3 days and big blow up. 6 months taper, never feeling much better. 2 1/2 years solid w/d then sporadic stuff for 5 years. Completely recovered! Drug free since June 2001.

11-04-2008, 09:50 PM	#12
Gibby Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Southern Illinois Posts: 1,145	Re: Sad today need some support I have to agree with Lilly. I honestly think it's more of his thoughts going on in his mind. My husband and I have been married 22 years and the "D" word had never been mentioned until paxil took over his thoughts. I finally told him that yeah maybe we should get a divorce, I then gave him a couple days to think about it and HE decided that divorce was too final and that wasn't what he wanted. Hang in there and I will be saying a prayer for you and Thom and your daughter. Just give it some time Lava, don't jump to quick, if that's not what you want. __________________ Husband's Paxil Story 3/07---20mg paxil 10/1--tried c/t, lasted 3 days 10/4---back on 19mg 1/2/08--down to 10mg 2/28/08--was taking 10mg every 3 or 4 days 4/12/08--10mg daily dose 7/2/08---dropped to 5mg (his choice):{ 7/11/08---up to 8mg 8/8/08---7mg 8/22/08--6mg?? 9/12/08--5mg 11/07/08--4mg 11/17/08--5mg 1/22/09--4mg 2/28/09--5mg:{ IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID... YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT!

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