Wife on Paxil - divorce the answer?

[paxilpower]

We have been married 10 years, all of which were full of affection, love and contentment.

Wife suffered from depression for a couple years and started taking 30mg paxil. Things seemed OK at first but then she started going out more with friends from her gym. Didnt mind at first but then she drank more, stayed out later (early hours of morning) and stopped telling me when she would be home.

I started getting concerned and she promised to stay off the booze and not stay out so much. Nothing changed. She then told me she "met" someone. A few months later she felt very distant and when I asked said she wasn't sure if she was in love with me any more.

I was shocked but it explained some of her behaviour, things settled down a bit but not much. I worked hard on myself and corrected things hoping we could get the spark back but she never made any effort. I started getting suspicious of that this other guy was involved but every time I confronted her she denied it.

A close relative passed away about a month later, a week after the funeral she went out again only this time she didnt come back. I panicked something had happened to her, called around a number of places before calling the guy only to find out she was very drunk and at his place. He told me they both had feelings for her and things had gone 'pretty far'.

I went home and tried in vain to get any sleep, 4am there was a knock on the door, my wife and the other guy had something to discuss. I told them to go away, we could discuss it in the morning. She left with him. I went back to bed and about 10 minutes later heard someone come in the house, it was her and she got into bed next to me and went to sleep!

Needless to say I didn't let her sleep and shouted plenty of abuse. She said nothing. I got a half assed apology and then a calmly spoken was I going to divorce her? We talked a lot and due to the fact we had a child, things had been really good, she had been very depressed and I loved her - I said I was willing to rebuild.

A month or so went by and there was no remorse, no apology and any time I asked about things she got very defensive and angry, got accused of being controlling and bullying! I backed off and gave her some space but shortly after she ended up with the other guy for a 2nd time. She returned home again the same night and this time broke down, wailing how sorry she was and that it was me she really wanted, she was lost and begged me to help her. It felt like a breakthrough the wife I had fallen in love with was back!

She then told me how she had never let him go and they had been texting each other. She was very honest and talked a lot more. Things weren't great but seemed to be stabilising. However she was still distant, emotionally she shut herself off and only ever made small talk. I didnt get it - where was the remorse? the assurance it would never happen again?

Since then she I discovered she has been meeting up, texting and she even has a 'secret' mobile to keep in touch. She tells me she wants to make our marriage work but feels nothing for me. Says she cares about me and wants to make the marriage work but feels no enthusiasm. She shows no emotion, guilt or anything, I get accused of spying on her and just get some very weird behaviour.

I was all set to divorce her but found out about this forum. So the question is, is this paxil driven or is it just your standard affair? She is not the person I married and she says she doesn't know what is going on with her. We have discussed divorce and she just doesn't seem that bothered.

She wants me to be happy and wouldn't blame me if I divorce her. I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her but cant go on living with a zombie.

Any advice welcome!

[flapbreaker]

Well, it would be an understatement to say this situation is disfunctional. I'm sorry that you are having to live through this. A couple thoughts here. For one, people should not drink alcohol while on anti-depressants. For two, there are plenty of storries out there similar to yours where a spouse is put on anti-depressants and then seems to have a personality change. It's hard to know if the drug is ALL to blame but it definately plays some part. I'm sure if you search the net you will find plenty of info on this phenomenon. In my opinion, broken relationships are rarely fixed unless the two parties involved BOTH WANT to fix it. That means counseling ect. Don't beat yourself up for HER actions. You didn't ask for this. I don't know if you would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor by yourself just to get their perspective but I would assume so. Once again, sorry your dealing with this crap. I'm sure others will chime in with more advice.

Spencer

[paxilpower]

Thanks, I have gone through the forum and whilst there are lots of similar stories I hadn't seen one where the person is somewhat aware.

My wife has moments of clarity where she does think rationally, usually when she is hungover. She knows what she is doing is wrong but just feels nothing.

She also thinks she is in love, more in love than she has ever been and that the high of being with him takes away her anxiety.

[Sonika]

Hi Paxilpower!
In my opinion, your wife is showing paxil mania at its best. Some people respond to these medications by changing personalities alltogether. People who used to be calm, collected, honest etc., go totally manic (super energetic and wild) without care of the consquences of their acts etc. The book by Dr. Ann Tracy Blake "Prozac, Panace or Pandora" has tons of examples of this happening. So, unless she realizes paxil is doing this to her and she is willing to recognize that this is not her, you have an uphill battle.

On the other hand, she might just not be a totally honest person committed to you and your marriage and that is it. But the fact that you are here and did not simply left her sort of tells me you are not confident this is herself completely.

Hmmm... maybe you need to show her the possibility that paxil is doing this?

I am very sorry to hear about your strugle!

[slappyintheface]

I acted the same way that your wife is acting and it honestly took me getting arrested to see how out of control my behavior was. Does she see the changes in her personality? That is the key issue in all of this. Dr. Peter Breggin uses the word "spellbound" and it is such an accurate description of how these meds make a person think, act, and feel. I honestly thought that Paxil and Ambien were the best things since the light bulb and couldn't see how crazy I was acting until the bottom literally fell out of my life.

If this complete change in personality happened AFTER she started taking the meds, then YES I do think that it is SSRI induced mania.

[ajm222]

i've actually read several stories here very closely where they do in fact mention the person often has those moments where they break down crying when they realize how crazy their behavior is, and then go right back to acting that way.

[lavamama]

My husband had moments of clarity and guilt followed by the exact same behaviors. If there was absolutely no behavior like this prior to taking the medication, the likely cause is the medication. Of course, like others have said unless your wife wants to make it work, really make it work it will be exceptionally difficult.

I nearly divorced my husband because of his irratic behavior. Luckily for us, we made it through and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Would your wife come here and read some of the posts? Perhaps that would be eye-opening for her. At the time, and even now because he still feels guilty for behavior he couldn't control, my husband wouldn't read anything here. I was able to find a lot of support and get a lot of strength from this amazing group.

All my best!

[scotty]

Welcome to paxilprogress paxilpower! Sadly, your story is only to familiar to us on this site who have seen the ravages that Paxil can cause to ones personality. I'll go out on a limb and say that YES, this is paxil, this isn't your wife.

The paxil user has no fear or insight into consequences, no fear of repercussions to their behavior. It's like the "logical" brain is turned off. The sentence that leads to paxil as the cause here is:

She is not the person I married and she says she doesn't know what is going on with her. We have discussed divorce and she just doesn't seem that bothered.

Classic paxil response. Now, what to do....you can try inviting her here, sometimes people will come, sometimes not. Tell her what you are discovering about paxil. Then it's up to her to decide if she wants off of the paxil.

[slappyintheface]

Do you have the information that the pharmacy gives her each time that she gets her prescription refilled? I think that the drug information sheet now lists side effects of "impulsive behavior" and "mania" (or some wording like that) on it.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by scotia21

Do you have the information that the pharmacy gives her each time that she gets her prescription refilled? I think that the drug information sheet now lists side effects of "impulsive behavior" and "mania" (or some wording like that) on it.

And alcohol abuse!

[LCrawford67]

Originally Posted by scotia21

I acted the same way that your wife is acting

If this complete change in personality happened AFTER she started taking the meds, then YES I do think that it is SSRI induced mania.

Ditto.

We have literally dozens of these stories on this board and the one common statement we always read is, "He/she never acted like this before Paxil."

[paxilmania]

Originally Posted by scotia21

I acted the same way that your wife is acting and it honestly took me getting arrested to see how out of control my behavior was. Does she see the changes in her personality? That is the key issue in all of this. Dr. Peter Breggin uses the word "spellbound" and it is such an accurate description of how these meds make a person think, act, and feel. I honestly thought that Paxil and Ambien were the best things since the light bulb and couldn't see how crazy I was acting until the bottom literally fell out of my life.

If this complete change in personality happened AFTER she started taking the meds, then YES I do think that it is SSRI induced mania.

Scotia, Im curious as to what your outcome was, did you stay married?

I can say from experience as well that paxil definately doesnt help situations like this but we got through it. Who knows for sure if it is a direct cause but is a contributing factor, unless she was always that way. I think you should stick it out regardless, most marriages are worth saving and can survive an affair!

[slappyintheface]

@paxilmania I don't want to threadjack, but I can proudly say that my husband and I will celebrate our 19 year anniversary on the 21st of this month.

[paxilpower]

Thanks for the responses guys.

It is encouraging to know these are all classic symptoms and yes this behaviour is nothing like my old wife.

My conundrum is that because she had such bad depression/anxiety and she has met this other guy, she know feels amazing being around him. She thinks she is in love and never felt this way about anyone. She says she loves me but the attraction for this other guy is so strong she doesnt want to give it up!

She has agreed this isnt like her and is going to reduce the dosage in the New Year but I just feel like whats the point. On minute she is begging me to stay and help her then next that she doesnt love me! She wont leave to be with this guy but wont commit to the marriage either.

Am I just supposed to wait and hope one day she will snap out of it?

[paxilmania]

Originally Posted by scotia21

@paxilmania I don't want to threadjack, but I can proudly say that my husband and I will celebrate our 19 year anniversary on the 21st of this month.

Thats great scotia and I think thats encouraging for others that have been through this.
I think paxil power, maybe you and your wife could go to counseling?

[paxilpower]

Refuses to go to counseling, refuses to read books, read articles, visit forums etc.

She told me the other day that she doesnt have some mental illness and that she is thinking perfectly clearly!

If she doesnt think/want my help then I'm not sure what I'm doing here

[slappyintheface]

I too was convinced that I no longer loved my husband and if he had divorced me and taken our five children with him then I probably wouldn't have even cared (that's how evil these meds are). Please feel free to send me a private message and I will try to help as much as I can.

[NoRx4me]

My conundrum is that because she had such bad depression/anxiety and she has met this other guy, she know feels amazing being around him. She thinks she is in love and never felt this way about anyone. She says she loves me but the attraction for this other guy is so strong she doesnt want to give it up!

She has agreed this isnt like her and is going to reduce the dosage in the New Year but I just feel like whats the point. On minute she is begging me to stay and help her then next that she doesnt love me! She wont leave to be with this guy but wont commit to the marriage either.

Am I just supposed to wait and hope one day she will snap out of it?

Why wait for the New Year? Why not start now (using a 10% reduction every 4-6 weeks). If she started now, that would at least show some effort and give some hope.

Here's another site that has pages and pages of stories just like yours:
http://www.topix.net/forum/drug/effe...28DFD3N759/p87

Some of them resulted in great success when the partner on meds agreed to come off.

[paxilmania]

Originally Posted by paxilpower

Refuses to go to counseling, refuses to read books, read articles, visit forums etc.

She told me the other day that she doesnt have some mental illness and that she is thinking perfectly clearly!

If she doesnt think/want my help then I'm not sure what I'm doing here

What your doing here is waiting the storm out and getting as much info as you can before you make a decision. Theres also a website called marriage builders you might like.

[Darkcloud]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this paxilpower and I'm sorry to have to say what I'm about to say. But you need to divorce. Your self respect is more important and it will wake her up to realise this isn't a ****ing game here. she obviously has no respect for you if she is continuinely going back to the same guy, saying one thing then doing another.. This isnt her getting drunk and sleeping with random guys then feeling guilty the next morning and apologising. This is pre meditated cheating and playing games.

I'm sorry but you can't blame a drug for a liar and someone who continuously cheats on you with the same guy while you have a child. If that's the case where is the line going to be called? What actions is she going to take responsibility for if everytime she ****s up or treats you like ****, she then drops the line that it's the drug? You got to ask yourself that question.

[Sonika]

My friend darkcloud tends to be... dark. But there is some wisdom here. There are some people who will not change until they hit bottom. I cannot judge if this is the time or if you should give it another chance... only you can say that. Losing you might be the only thing that makes your wife wake up. I pray that she finds in herself the strength to get out of this situation and come back to love you and her child.

[kathleen2]

If she was depressed before Paxil, is it possible that this was in the cards before? If she tapers, she'll need to get help for the reasons she was given Paxil in the first place, or deal with the life circumstances that made her depressed.

The hard thing of course is that there's a child involved, so you want to avoid things like this: "I didn't let her sleep and shouted plenty of abuse."

A possible middle ground might be a trial separation, so you could both step back and see how you feel.

[mannymastadon]

Hello paxilpower
I went through the very same thing about 15 years ago. Neither of us were on anti-depressants at the time. I have been on and am now off paxil.
Your story struck a chord and took me back to a place I never want to go back to ever again so I feel your pain-BAD!
I have seen the way paxil affected me and am not prepared to comment on how it may have affected your wife's behaviour, how is one to know for sure.
I can say this that your committmet to your wife and marriage is truly admirable and you deserve a pat on the back.
I think you need to quit figuring out your wife's motives and ask yourself why you are willing to suffer this?
At the end of the day you can only control your will and no one else's.
I know in the time after we divorced I rebuilt myself and I must say I do not regret that experience because of the strength I have found but part of the rebuliding that took place was having to admit the need to stay in a relationship that was that bad.
What need did I have to put up with that? Fear of being alone? Fear of rejection? Massive insecuities? The need to control an uncontrollable situation?
All of the above! So I really needed to look at that and deal with it. It ain't pretty.
So pal, you must take a deep breath and a long hard look and decide what is best for you right now.
Failing that you must think of your child this cannot be good for her.
I know how badly affected my daughter was. She went on a journey of self destruction for years and it is only in the last 3 that she has really blossomed into the person I had always hoped she could be.
I am afraid that if your wife is unable or unwilling to grasp her situation there will be very little you can do. How she can come by the awareness to see her situation is a very difficult journey one we have all had to walk. Cerrtainly any information is very helpful for you and for her.
When does it become insight and awareness to her own plight, who can say?
She may need you but does she want you she cannot choose right now but I know you have choices and maybe forcing the issue will force her to take resposability for her actions.
If she makes an effort I think she is worthy of your support. Your love she has and will for a long time but keep in mind my friend love can sometimes be use as a weapon. Not dleiberately as I am sure as she may have very little awareness how badly she is hurting those that love her.
I hope this helps please try to be good to yourself today

[nopaxilnow]

I hope it's alright if I jump in here. I just joined PaxilProgress, and this thread relates to what I'm personally experience right now. I was on Paxil for 14 years for OCD. It did help me with my OCD, but I gained a lot of weight (about 50 lbs.), and I didn't realize until I took myself off of it how really destructive it was. My main reason for wanting to get off of it was for health reasons. I couldn't lose the weight and I have developed high blood pressure. I discovered there was an herbal/vitamin supplement available now (Seritol), so I thought I would like to try that instead of continuing with the Paxil. I weaned myself off Paxil in August 2010 and spent 2 1/2 months really sick with "Paxil Withdrawal Flu."

Now here's where the connection to this thread comes into play. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. I was doing pretty well on the Paxil for a number of years while I was still raising my kids. I had a few episodes of almost "crossing the line" behavior, but dodged the bullet. Once my kids were all out of the house I started going out more with my friends -- my husband doesn't like loud music or bars, so he wouldn't go out with me. I started drinking more -- about 3 or 4 glasses of wine every night, even if I wasn't going out. Eventually, I crossed the line and had sex a few times with a few of my male acquaintances. I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone else, it just seemed like fun. I never felt guilty about it or anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I started to feel like I was finally over all of the horrendous Paxil withdrawal symptoms, and suddenly I was overwhelmed with this tremendous feeling of guilt about my behavior over the past few years. I can't shake this feeling. It is with me constantly. I kept asking myself how I could have done what I did, and why hadn't it bothered me before? The other morning it occurred to me that perhaps being on Paxil somehow had affected my behavior and that is why it never bothered me. I went online and started researching the possibility of there being a connection. I was flabbergasted to find out how many people have had similar experiences.

Now I have tremendous remorse and I want to come clean to my husband, but I'm afraid it would destroy him. He's under a lot of stress at his job -- may be laid off -- I'm thinking that if I tell him about it now, it would do more harm than good. I do want to confess at some point, I just don't know when.

In the meantime, I am extremely sad. I have tremendous remorse and guilt, which occupy my thoughts constantly. I am trying to work through this, and find out more about the relationship between Paxil and this kind of behavior. If anyone has any ideas, suggestions, resources, etc., that might help me work through this, please let me know.

And, yes, because of my own experience, I do believe that Paxil probably is at the root of paxilpower's wife's behavior.

[Darkcloud]

Originally Posted by nopaxilnow

I hope it's alright if I jump in here. I just joined PaxilProgress, and this thread relates to what I'm personally experience right now. I was on Paxil for 14 years for OCD. It did help me with my OCD, but I gained a lot of weight (about 50 lbs.), and I didn't realize until I took myself off of it how really destructive it was. My main reason for wanting to get off of it was for health reasons. I couldn't lose the weight and I have developed high blood pressure. I discovered there was an herbal/vitamin supplement available now (Seritol), so I thought I would like to try that instead of continuing with the Paxil. I weaned myself off Paxil in August 2010 and spent 2 1/2 months really sick with "Paxil Withdrawal Flu."

Now here's where the connection to this thread comes into play. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. I was doing pretty well on the Paxil for a number of years while I was still raising my kids. I had a few episodes of almost "crossing the line" behavior, but dodged the bullet. Once my kids were all out of the house I started going out more with my friends -- my husband doesn't like loud music or bars, so he wouldn't go out with me. I started drinking more -- about 3 or 4 glasses of wine every night, even if I wasn't going out. Eventually, I crossed the line and had sex a few times with a few of my male acquaintances. I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone else, it just seemed like fun. I never felt guilty about it or anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I started to feel like I was finally over all of the horrendous Paxil withdrawal symptoms, and suddenly I was overwhelmed with this tremendous feeling of guilt about my behavior over the past few years. I can't shake this feeling. It is with me constantly. I kept asking myself how I could have done what I did, and why hadn't it bothered me before? The other morning it occurred to me that perhaps being on Paxil somehow had affected my behavior and that is why it never bothered me. I went online and started researching the possibility of there being a connection. I was flabbergasted to find out how many people have had similar experiences.

Now I have tremendous remorse and I want to come clean to my husband, but I'm afraid it would destroy him. He's under a lot of stress at his job -- may be laid off -- I'm thinking that if I tell him about it now, it would do more harm than good. I do want to confess at some point, I just don't know when.

In the meantime, I am extremely sad. I have tremendous remorse and guilt, which occupy my thoughts constantly. I am trying to work through this, and find out more about the relationship between Paxil and this kind of behavior. If anyone has any ideas, suggestions, resources, etc., that might help me work through this, please let me know.

And, yes, because of my own experience, I do believe that Paxil probably is at the root of paxilpower's wife's behavior.

This may well be a paxil support site but it doesn't mean we blame paxil for all the wrongs in the world and pat you on the back for every bad choice you make. All I see in your post is excuses and seeking out sympathy and justification for your appalling behaviour.

As a man, I feel insulted listening to you trying to excuse paxilpowers wife behaviour and try to put it all down to the drug as if she is the victim in all this. The OP has clearly provided his wife with patience, understanding, second chances and it's all been thrown back in his face. If he keeps waiting for her to wake up to take what he's saying seriously one day. Or expect him to look forward to the day when she becomes guilty like you and suddenly start telling him ''its paxil fault why I slept around''. What kind of situation is that? It only sends out the message that she can do whatever she likes so long as she's got a good fault-finding story to tell him. This kind of stuff will only continue to happen in the future if he doesn't start putting his foot down.

*I'm sorry but a drug doesn't force you to cheat on your husband many times with different acquaintances'' and then keep it to yourself for years. Oh but he's too stressed for you to tell him you say? How caring of you? Why not wait until he feels great and on top of the world, then bring him down with the news ? By then he wouldn't get so upset right?

Well quite frankly there is no right time to tell him you messed up. Your actions is going to break his heart whatever time you tell him. Holding it off until you hear more belly rubbing and other cheaters online chiming in about how paxil made them cheat 10 times isn't going to make it any easier for your husband when he finds out.

*Just admit you messed up as soon as possible. It will be better for both of you - for your conscience and so he know's where he stands. What I would say is drop the paxil cop-out story because quite frankly its insulting to anyone's intelligence. If If I was him and you told me it was some drug, food, friend, or peer pressure that made you lay down and sleep with someone else several times I'd kick you out in a heartbeat and tell you to get that person or acquaintances as you like to call them to support you.

Your reasons for cheating on your husband is the equivalent of someone telling me they cheated on their partner because they consumed too much alcohol and thought the idea of sleeping around was fun but now regret it. This wasn't just once but a good few times That's called willful betrayal. You knew what were doing, you wasn't sleep walking or hypnotized so you could stop any time but the fact is you didn't want to. Furthermore you shouldn't have been mixing alcohol whith on paxil in the first place? Who's to blame for you picking up the pills and drink in the first place?

Though I'm sure you find plenty iof stories from wives and husbands who've cheated on their partners who have decided to group together online to come up with detailed explanations to blame someone or something else for their infidelity to excuse themselves from taking any responsibility whatsoever for their actions that will help you feel better in yourself for a little while. Just don't expect me to search those bs stories out.