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Family Support Paxil affects whole families. This forum is to support those closest to our hearts (spouses, partners, brothers, sisters etc.) who need help to understand and support.

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Old 02-27-2014, 12:26 PM   #1
WorriedFiance
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
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I Lost My Fiance ...

I do not even know where to begin! In June my fiancé (29 years old) had a breakdown, stress, anxiety was even talking suicide. We have been dating since 2004 and in 2012 he proposed. he had our ups and downs but we were happy and in love. He went to see a therapist and ultimately was put on Lexapro. He started the medication in July and although I was against it I started to see a calmer more affectionate guy and started to be more comfortable with the medication.

I thought everything was wonderful until about a month ago. I found a secret email, which led to me finding out about a 3 month affair he had been having with a 19 year old. Secret cell phone, email, girlfriend. I met the girl and she told me everything and even cried. She told me he had told her I was an ex from September and that I was crazy going around telling people I was his fiancé and that if I ever contacted her to avoid me because I was a liar. She of course believed him and finally spoke with me after I sent her a picture of us from New years with the 2014 balloons. She said she then realized he was lying. He claimed he had no emotions, knew it was wrong but did not feel remorseful. I got a few apologies mostly via text but even the ones in person he sounds like he doesn’t even mean them. I even attempted to try to work it out with him and he told me he has no feelings for me, he cannot even say he ever loved me. He said the medication made him think clearly and he doesn't want this relationship and felt like he was in a coma for the past ten years. He stopped the medication about 2 weeks ago cold turkey. He said he felt like he no longer needed the pills and did not even want to talk to his doctors about the situation. We have been in contact a few times but he is not showing any signs of wanting to fix this. He even met another girl and is now “dating” her. He told me he cares about her and does not want me to ruin it for him. I cannot believe this person is who I was with. No remorse, no guilt, no shame. He says he doesn’t love me, doesn’t know what love is but he appreciates me standing by him through everything. His actions were completely unlike him and the fact that he started the affair within two months of starting Lexapro makes me want to believe that it was the medication.

I guess my questions are:

Do you think this was the medication? I do
Do you think him getting off it so quickly he will go back to himself or no? I want to be hopeful but at the same time with all he has done its hard
Do you think he will ever be himself again?

PLEASE HELP!
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Old 02-27-2014, 03:39 PM   #2
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

If the personality change happened after the Lexapro, then it's the Lexapro. Now, cold turkey isn't easy and can take time to recover from, so that is still in the mix. Now, will he return to "normal" is a question that no one can answer. Some do and have serious remorse other, never see what the drug has done.

In your case, it's to soon to tell what the outcome will be. Sadly, we see this a lot.
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Old 02-27-2014, 04:14 PM   #3
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by scotty View Post
If the personality change happened after the Lexapro, then it's the Lexapro. Now, cold turkey isn't easy and can take time to recover from, so that is still in the mix. Now, will he return to "normal" is a question that no one can answer. Some do and have serious remorse other, never see what the drug has done.

In your case, it's to soon to tell what the outcome will be. Sadly, we see this a lot.
Thank You for the feedback. I just don't know what to do at this point I have tried to explain to him the effects but he says it's the first time he thinks clearly. When you say a long time is it years or months?
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Old 02-27-2014, 04:28 PM   #4
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

He was on 20 and 10 mg dosages from July - February the doctor had originally told him he needs 18 months but he felt differently and decided to stop after we broke up.
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Old 02-27-2014, 05:34 PM   #5
Dewayne76
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

WorriedFiance,

I am not an expert in medicine etc, but I have done countless research etc... If he has already quit C/T, it may actually be a blessing. It's so hard to get medicated minds to accept they need to quit. C/t is the worst way to come off just about, however, HE IS OFF... ..

Now, my ex wife of 11 years started 20 mg of Citalopram. 3 months later, she was changed completely. Lying, drinking, drugs, abandoning our daughter in a lock house alone while she was 2 years old so she could go party and get high etc.

7 months later, we're divorced and she allegedly quits almost c/t. It's not a year out almost exactly from a 4 week taper. (one drop in dosage) and she quit completely. 2 weeks after divorce, she changed her FB status from married, to in a relationship with her manchild. He was 19 at the time an she's 29 almost 30 now. So they were rumored to be engaged / married in 3 or 4 months. Now having a ceremony and she's still just as phugged up in the head as ever. No more mania, partying etc... but she still thinks what she did was all ok and stuff. Never once has she shown any remorse for anything, the cheating, stealing, lying etc. She killed our new business we started and we lost EVERYTHING.. from clothes, to bedroom suites, trailers, etc. ALL OF IT! Because we lived there...$60k down the drain, does she act like it bothers her? no.

My point? Buckle up. That's all I can say. Good luck to you.
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Old 02-27-2014, 07:23 PM   #6
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewayne76 View Post
WorriedFiance,

I am not an expert in medicine etc, but I have done countless research etc... If he has already quit C/T, it may actually be a blessing. It's so hard to get medicated minds to accept they need to quit. C/t is the worst way to come off just about, however, HE IS OFF... ..

Now, my ex wife of 11 years started 20 mg of Citalopram. 3 months later, she was changed completely. Lying, drinking, drugs, abandoning our daughter in a lock house alone while she was 2 years old so she could go party and get high etc.

7 months later, we're divorced and she allegedly quits almost c/t. It's not a year out almost exactly from a 4 week taper. (one drop in dosage) and she quit completely. 2 weeks after divorce, she changed her FB status from married, to in a relationship with her manchild. He was 19 at the time an she's 29 almost 30 now. So they were rumored to be engaged / married in 3 or 4 months. Now having a ceremony and she's still just as phugged up in the head as ever. No more mania, partying etc... but she still thinks what she did was all ok and stuff. Never once has she shown any remorse for anything, the cheating, stealing, lying etc. She killed our new business we started and we lost EVERYTHING.. from clothes, to bedroom suites, trailers, etc. ALL OF IT! Because we lived there...$60k down the drain, does she act like it bothers her? no.

My point? Buckle up. That's all I can say. Good luck to you.
Wow I'm so sorry! I love him and I want to hope that all this will all go away and that he will be ok soon. His current actions and behavior in the past few months have really made me feel hopeless. I always was against medication I try to stay away from even over the counter ones but I never expected this and I really thought they would help him not destroy him. Beyond the fact that he may have ruined our future and really disappointed a lot of people he is making a complete fool of himself and does not care. I'm very worried for him. Thank You so much for sharing your story all the stories I have read here have helped me accept that it is beyond my control and have helped me maintain my sanity.
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:25 AM   #7
Totart
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

WorriedFiance, I would like to send you a private message but you have blocked this option. Could you unblock it?
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:31 AM   #8
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

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WorriedFiance, I would like to send you a private message but you have blocked this option. Could you unblock it?
Unblocked
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:39 AM   #9
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

I still got message: "WorriedFiance has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her."
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Old 02-28-2014, 09:49 AM   #10
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Incapability to feel emotions is common adverse event to psychotropic drugs so I don't think your partner is lying in there. One loses his/her feeling of love, empathy, caring and sexual attraction, becomes disengaged to reality and disinhibited towards everything among many other effects.

All I can say on my part is I am terribly sorry what has happened to both of you. Your ungrateful role is to be left watching and learning from the devastation. Your partner is a victim of psychiatry too although he might not see things that way yet. He might be too lobotomized or high on the drug to reflect his behavior.
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"With psychiatric medications, you solve one problem for a period of time, but the next thing you know you end up with seven problems. The treatment turns a period of crisis into a chronic physical and psychological suffering" -edited Upham

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Old 02-28-2014, 07:35 PM   #11
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by anthony(m85) View Post
Incapability to feel emotions is common adverse event to psychotropic drugs so I don't think your partner is lying in there. One loses his/her feeling of love, empathy, caring and sexual attraction, becomes disengaged to reality and disinhibited towards everything among many other effects.

All I can say on my part is I am terribly sorry what has happened to both of you. Your ungrateful role is to be left watching and learning from the devastation. Your partner is a victim of psychiatry too although he might not see things that way yet. He might be too lobotomized or high on the drug to reflect his behavior.
I know he is a victim and I feel helpless. Friends of mine are telling me to move on just as he has because they do not believe it is the medicine. However, I feel strongly that it is and on top of feeling helpless I have to watch him date a young girl and tell people he really likes her. It is devastating to watch and I feel horrible for him. I hope that he comes to his senses soon because I want to marry him, I want to be there for him, I want to support him. He is currently off 2 weeks C/T and is telling me he hopes we can remain friends and that he really likes this girl.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:50 AM   #12
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Damn I just saw this. I'm so sorry.

I did something similar, worse. Threw away someone who meant the world to me.
It was the drugs. Definitely the drugs.

Quitting cold turkey is going to be pretty nasty for him, how bad depends on the dose, how long and how lucky. Was it 10mg he was on?

He will become himself again eventually. The realizations are bloody awful to go through though.
__________________

Ritalin 1997-2003
Zoloft 50mg 2001-2005 (from about 14-18 )
Lexapro 20mg 2005-2006,
Lexapro 30mg 2006-2007
20mg 2007-2008, then CT april 2008.
September 2008 gave up and went back on 20mg.
Jan-March 2012, started trying to seriously get off, went down to 10mg then CT.
June 2012 Ended up on 30mg Cymbalta, then 60mg.
January 2013 CT Cymbalta
March 2013 50mg zoloft for 6 weeks
CT stop mid April 2013

http://thefailurepill.blogspot.com.au/


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Old 03-05-2014, 05:43 AM   #13
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dcrmt View Post
Damn I just saw this. I'm so sorry.

I did something similar, worse. Threw away someone who meant the world to me.
It was the drugs. Definitely the drugs.

Quitting cold turkey is going to be pretty nasty for him, how bad depends on the dose, how long and how lucky. Was it 10mg he was on?

He will become himself again eventually. The realizations are bloody awful to go through though.
I believe he was on 10mg when he quit c/t. He had told me before the medication he would never let me go that I was the only person for him for the past 10 years, he proposed!! He told me he was getting headaches and Friday that he felt some regret. This is week 4 c/t how long do you think until he starts to realize?
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Old 03-05-2014, 06:09 AM   #14
Dcrmt
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorriedFiance View Post
I believe he was on 10mg when he quit c/t. He had told me before the medication he would never let me go that I was the only person for him for the past 10 years, he proposed!! He told me he was getting headaches and Friday that he felt some regret. This is week 4 c/t how long do you think until he starts to realize?
No idea. He was on it for a while but not THAT long. Could be many months, could be fairly quickly.
__________________

Ritalin 1997-2003
Zoloft 50mg 2001-2005 (from about 14-18 )
Lexapro 20mg 2005-2006,
Lexapro 30mg 2006-2007
20mg 2007-2008, then CT april 2008.
September 2008 gave up and went back on 20mg.
Jan-March 2012, started trying to seriously get off, went down to 10mg then CT.
June 2012 Ended up on 30mg Cymbalta, then 60mg.
January 2013 CT Cymbalta
March 2013 50mg zoloft for 6 weeks
CT stop mid April 2013

http://thefailurepill.blogspot.com.au/


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Old 03-05-2014, 09:22 AM   #15
Dewayne76
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

WorriedFiance, you really need to take head of the warnings others are always getting.... stop worrying about time... stop worrying about how long it's going to take... it'll drive you insane. My now ex wife was on 20 mg of citalopram for about 7 months. 3 months in she was changed. Now, just over a year later of OFF the pills... she's still very much a different person. Getting married to the first guy she dated after the divorce. Dating him 2 weeks after divorce was final and allegedly engaged in 3 months.

No, she's not in mania anymore, but she's dumber than a box of rocks. She's marrying a kid that's never left home I think he's 19 but she's telling everyone he's 20. (I think he was 18 when they met) and he's never left home. Told his last g/f he loved her in a week. He's never been around kids... works at a movie theater part time.... The ex? Oh, she's 29 fixing to be 30.

You have got to let go, let go 'WITH LOVE' if you have to, but move on with your life so you don't tear yourself apart.... good luck to you.
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Old 03-05-2014, 11:35 AM   #16
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

On Sunday I gave him back the engagement ring. It was exactly 2 years from the day he proposed. He told me he started to question what he was doing. Since then I have not communicated with him at all. His father told me he seemed upset after meeting with me. I do not know if me giving the ring back really hit him or not. I dont know if it even a good idea that I have ceased communicating with him from that day. Its hard to not call or text a person I spoke to numerous times a day for 10 years but I figure letting him be and realizing what he lost may be my only chance at this point. I do love him and am willing to find the strength to look past everything he has done because I know this is the medication, I know the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. Friends of his have stopped talking to him, others are telling me he is becoming obsessed with strip clubs asking them to go whenever he can but they have not gone with him. Some are making fun of him because they do not know about the medicine others are not saying a thing. Everyone has told me the girl he is with is a "slut" something he absolutely hated, she is young and naive looking for a good time and he is looking for someone to recreate what he had with me. I am not sure at this point if I should of possibly stayed close and kept communications with him to try and make him understand and be there for him or if me staying away is the best idea. At this point I want him to be okay and that is all I need to be okay.
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:25 PM   #17
Dewayne76
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

WF.. all sounds too familiar. My ex wife was really against guys who were sluts... then next thing you know, she's banging one. Him and his professed 'brother' claim to each having been with over 130 partners (they're counting).. it's a game to them. They both have been with over 2 dozen men as well. Yes, they are bi, but they claim they're not. Yeah, they're one of those that will sleep with men as well, yet say they're not "bi-sexual"...freakin idiots.

Anyways, I know absolutely what you're speaking of. Having to go dark on your best friend, one whom you couldn't go all day w/o speaking to, so you called them at work. Couldn't wait to see them in the parking lot to pick you up. One you couldn't wait to get home to see... I know the feeling.

The strip clubs.. is all to raise dopamine. His brain is literally 'sick'. It's just going to take such a long *** time to recover, you may well be very healed and well into your new life w/o him. Believe it or not, you may even be as far as to say "No thanks" when he wants to come back. Him realizing what he's lost? ... not gonna happen. Not until his brain has completely healed and even then, it needs a jump start! They need to be alone... they need to feel like all is lost... or a close encounter with death, or prison/jail time.. SOMETHING to jar them sensefull, (yes, made that word up) and it's going to have to be when the brain is no longer sick.

Please take care of yourself... and find a way to be ok with yourself and your new life...
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Old 03-05-2014, 08:35 PM   #18
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewayne76 View Post

Please take care of yourself... and find a way to be ok with yourself and your new life...
This, sadly, is the best advice that can be given.
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Old 03-06-2014, 05:25 AM   #19
Dcrmt
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorriedFiance View Post
On Sunday I gave him back the engagement ring. It was exactly 2 years from the day he proposed. He told me he started to question what he was doing. Since then I have not communicated with him at all. His father told me he seemed upset after meeting with me. I do not know if me giving the ring back really hit him or not. I dont know if it even a good idea that I have ceased communicating with him from that day. Its hard to not call or text a person I spoke to numerous times a day for 10 years but I figure letting him be and realizing what he lost may be my only chance at this point. I do love him and am willing to find the strength to look past everything he has done because I know this is the medication, I know the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. Friends of his have stopped talking to him, others are telling me he is becoming obsessed with strip clubs asking them to go whenever he can but they have not gone with him. Some are making fun of him because they do not know about the medicine others are not saying a thing. Everyone has told me the girl he is with is a "slut" something he absolutely hated, she is young and naive looking for a good time and he is looking for someone to recreate what he had with me. I am not sure at this point if I should of possibly stayed close and kept communications with him to try and make him understand and be there for him or if me staying away is the best idea. At this point I want him to be okay and that is all I need to be okay.
I understand you need distance but please, please remain open to communicating with him. He's quite likely going to end up distressed and confused when he starts coming around. (Though he might have some tendency to try and rationalize what's happened too. I did.)

When everything went to hell with me (though I was still on the drug) my ex pretty much cut things off completely and we were living in the same residential college at the time, it ended in utter disaster for both of us.

I may have missed it, but have you actually put it to him clearly that you think his behavior has been altered by the drug?

Having seen this from the other side, it is really, really difficult to understand what happened. I was off the drug for 6 months the year after my life went to hell, and while I ended up very confused I couldn't put 2 and 2 together as to what happened and later ended up back on the same drug.

There's a thing Peter Breggin mentions called 'medication spellbinding' and it's very very real
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwIDfcc5Z3w

It took the same thing nearly happening again, being off the medication and stumbling upon the old topix.com thread and later paxilprogress before I really realized what happened. 6 years later.

You might think that blaming the drugs might provide an easy excuse for someone who's done this, but it really isn't the first thing that comes to mind.
__________________

Ritalin 1997-2003
Zoloft 50mg 2001-2005 (from about 14-18 )
Lexapro 20mg 2005-2006,
Lexapro 30mg 2006-2007
20mg 2007-2008, then CT april 2008.
September 2008 gave up and went back on 20mg.
Jan-March 2012, started trying to seriously get off, went down to 10mg then CT.
June 2012 Ended up on 30mg Cymbalta, then 60mg.
January 2013 CT Cymbalta
March 2013 50mg zoloft for 6 weeks
CT stop mid April 2013

http://thefailurepill.blogspot.com.au/


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Old 03-06-2014, 06:33 AM   #20
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dcrmt View Post
I understand you need distance but please, please remain open to communicating with him. He's quite likely going to end up distressed and confused when he starts coming around. (Though he might have some tendency to try and rationalize what's happened too. I did.)

When everything went to hell with me (though I was still on the drug) my ex pretty much cut things off completely and we were living in the same residential college at the time, it ended in utter disaster for both of us.

I may have missed it, but have you actually put it to him clearly that you think his behavior has been altered by the drug?

Having seen this from the other side, it is really, really difficult to understand what happened. I was off the drug for 6 months the year after my life went to hell, and while I ended up very confused I couldn't put 2 and 2 together as to what happened and later ended up back on the same drug.

There's a thing Peter Breggin mentions called 'medication spellbinding' and it's very very real
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwIDfcc5Z3w

It took the same thing nearly happening again, being off the medication and stumbling upon the old topix.com thread and later paxilprogress before I really realized what happened. 6 years later.

You might think that blaming the drugs might provide an easy excuse for someone who's done this, but it really isn't the first thing that comes to mind.
If he reaches out I am here and I am pretty sure he knows that. I did send him some stories that were of SSRI users that showed the similarities with ours and he told me he read a few. I also sent him the link to this page not sure if he opened the link though. Monday is my birthday and I am hoping he will at least reach out for that but I don't have my hopes to high because I know there is a chance he wont. Nothing else makes sense to me, at 29 you are engaged you have a great relationship, planning a wedding, great friends and you throw it all away to start fresh? The fact that the behavior started a month after he started the Lexapro is proof to me that this was the cause. Luckily he is almost at 4 weeks off and I am hoping because he was only on for 6-7 months that he will be back to normal soon. He has no other history of antidepressants at all.
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Old 03-15-2014, 04:17 AM   #21
dannypaxil
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Hey just saw the first part. It's the drug for sure. Same thing happened with me toward my gf I didn't talk to other girls. But I lost all feeling. Stopped taking it and now everything for my gf is slowly coming back and i am so glad
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Old 03-16-2014, 12:10 AM   #22
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

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Originally Posted by dannypaxil View Post
Hey just saw the first part. It's the drug for sure. Same thing happened with me toward my gf I didn't talk to other girls. But I lost all feeling. Stopped taking it and now everything for my gf is slowly coming back and i am so glad
I hope he starts to realize but he has been 5 weeks cold turkey and nothing shows me that he's starting to go back to himself. He's become so different it scares me and I have stopped talking to him completely. On Monday it was my birthday he didn't even text me or call me.
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:19 AM   #23
dannypaxil
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

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Originally Posted by WorriedFiance View Post
I hope he starts to realize but he has been 5 weeks cold turkey and nothing shows me that he's starting to go back to himself. He's become so different it scares me and I have stopped talking to him completely. On Monday it was my birthday he didn't even text me or call me.

Hey domt worry. As others have said it take a different amount if time for diff ppl. Anyways, I saw a story similar to yours and it took 6 months for her husband tp realize he really loved his wife and come back to his normal senses. 6 months of being off this drug it took. Yours is only at 5 weeks. That's not very long. Hang in there. Don't give up just yet.
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Old 04-05-2014, 05:32 PM   #24
WorriedFiance
 
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Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

I think I am going to loose my mind. This is really hard. He is 8 weeks off CT now and I started getting texts from him last week that feelings were coming back he was thinking of me and all of that good stuff. I had not contacted him for about 2 weeks prior to receiving these texts. He wanted to see me as we have not seen each other for a month and wanted to talk to me in person. I asked him if he was still in a relationship with this girl and he said yes. I kept telling him if he was with her there was no point but eventually I gave in. Well we met for dinner and he started telling me good and bad things. She's good to him he doesn't know how to leave her, yet I was great apparently. He told me he misses a lot we used to do and me. He told me he doesn't know how to be alone and that's why he is with her. The conversation had its moments and he seemed to get watery eyes a few times. The next day I text him and he was arrogant and cold yelled at me for ordering the appetizers at dinner because he's the man he wants the control. I asked him about his test and he yelled at me that I was suffocating him and then when I confronted him about all the texts prior to our dinner he said I took them the wrong way he made up his mind and I should move on. His texts to me were not taken the wrong way I read them over and over he specifically says "it's all coming back to me feelings, memories, emotions" he said "I don't know what I'm doing". He also mentioned at dinner that he recently got brain zaps I had mentioned to him. I know that this can take a long time to get better but is this a cause of the medication? Are these the windows people speak about? I feel like I got my heart broken all over again.
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Old 04-05-2014, 06:36 PM   #25
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Posts: 91
Re: I Lost My Fiance ...

Relax don't loose your mind!!! It's an on and off thing. Some days it comes back...Some days not....it takes time....I c/t about 3 weeks ago...I was on for 2 months.....I'm getting all mine back now....His would take a few more than 8 weeks...He will be back....I was so shocked when my feelings came back...I was overjoyed....I couldn't BELIEVE it was actually the medication. This stuff is crazy....I thought it may have just been me...but nope...it's the meds......I'm in total shock. Hang in there.

A small you can see here his are starting to come back....they will come back....patience!!!
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