I don't know if I can do this...

[samantha]

I know that the reason I feel this way today is my fault. I have been weaning slowly again and last night I went out and got really drunk - it wasn't intended but I did. A lot of drama happend last night which I would rather not go into but by the end of the night after I had been drinking I got home, took my meds and then about 10 minutes later threw everything up. I wasn't sure if I threw up the meds or not but I didn't want to double dose. Today I woke up feeling absolutely miserable, but still manageable. Then tonight we cooked a lot of food and I ate a lot for dinner (although nothing prior) and after I ate I went out and had a cigarette and suddenly bam. It wasn't a full on panic attack but I was hit with a monsterous wave of anxiety. I went upstairs and at one point it became so bad - I got terrified. I know I should think positively and that this will get better, and I also know that if I drink to much and etc the next day I can get huge panic attacks (although it happens very rarely.) But nonetheless it is absolutely miserable. I havent felt this bad in regards to anxiety in two years. And so of course all these waves of how I used to feel when it was HORRIIBLE, came pouring back and so then I started feeling worse. Now I am questioning the whole tapering because I just don't believe I can survive feeling that way again and if it all comes back I don't know what to do. The last withdrawl really scarred me. I don't know what to do. I know I should prob just let a few days pass and I should feel better but I am terrified it will get worse. I am considering taking an adivan which I havent done in prob almost a year. I feel like throwing up too...sad part is is that I brought this on myself. its so miserable...

[JessG]

Well if you threw up only 10min after taking your meds then it is quite possible that you threw up your pills. But if you didn't see them in the toilet then maybe they managed to stay down. I have done the same thing and then panicked and took another dose which made me feel worse.
I think you learned an important lesson that you should stay away from alcohol during tapering. I know it's hard. I have a birthday coming up and it sucks that I can't spend it like a normal person going out and drinking with my friends. I think especially when you are under 10mg you should abstain from alcohol completely. I feel horrible for 1-2 days after drinking too much and this is probably what you're experiencing. Drink a lot of water and hopefully you will start to feel better soon

[JessG]

Originally Posted by samantha

And so of course all these waves of how I used to feel when it was HORRIIBLE, came pouring back and so then I started feeling worse. Now I am questioning the whole tapering because I just don't believe I can survive feeling that way again and if it all comes back I don't know what to do.

Sorry I forgot to mention this in the previous reply but I had the SAME thing happen to me when I first tried to taper after over a year of being on the same dose. In fact I made a post about it with the exact same title as yours "I don't know if I can do this." I was doing okay then I smoked some pot which I had previously been able to do with no problem but this time it freaked me out and I had a sort of flashback feeling of when I was at my withdrawal worst and I immediately went back up in dose. I feel like a lot of us sort of have PTSD when it comes to our bad withdrawal experiences. The point is I began to feel better and knew that I should stay away from the pot for the first 2 weeks on a new dose. Then I started my taper again and it was fine. You WILL begin to feel better and you can totally do this.

[samantha]

Thank you Jess, that means a lot! Its so dumb because I really had no intention of getting drunk, but circumstances led to situations and etc etc here I am today.

Funny thing is is that I am feeling better at this particular moment and it is absolutely insane in terms of how black and white anxiety to normalcy is. I mean when I'm in the anxious state I can't see a way out, and when I'm feeling better - i can't even begin to imagine how bad it is to be anxious. Its like being two different people - its really crazy. And at this moment it keeps going in and out..I really hope i feel better tomorrow, I have so many things to do. I have work and the house purchase and its all high stress stuff, I need my head to be together! My work is very analytical, attention to detail buiz dev type of stuff and when I'm not on my game I just can't do it. It sucks

[JessG]

Originally Posted by samantha

Funny thing is is that I am feeling better at this particular moment and it is absolutely insane in terms of how black and white anxiety to normalcy is. I mean when I'm in the anxious state I can't see a way out, and when I'm feeling better - i can't even begin to imagine how bad it is to be anxious. Its like being two different people - its really crazy.

I feel like I could have written this myself. This is totally how I feel. I basically bounce back and forth between these two emotions. That's why this board is great because it is so comforting to know that other people think the same things you do. I think it is perfectly normal that you are feeling anxious right now considering that you recently tapered,you're stressed over buying a house, plus the alcohol. You're in my thoughts and I hope you start to feel even better Remember to try to taper no more than 10% from now on and you'll do fine. I'm such a chicken my most recent taper was only 4% But that's cool with me, as long as I'm going down in dose than for me that's progress.

[Betsy]

Samantha,
Could you look at the good side of choosing to not drink as a reminder that you won't feel that way again? Maybe it doesn't work that way for you....but it works that way for me. My Stuff is miserable enough without anything else added on....

Good luck to you, I"ll bet you'll work through it this time like you have in the past.

Take care of yourself,
Betsy

[Songbird]

Oh, when I read that I felt like I could have posted that myself too! It is so strange the way our thoughts seem absolutely true and permanent in the moment. It's a mind game and somehow I have to learn to see past it.

Last time I tapered as I got down below 10mg I had to give up alcohol as it made it more difficult for me to get to sleep. I read somewhere that alcohol causes serotonin to be released (that is why getting a little tipsy makes us feel good and 'mellow') and so it makes sense that could upset our serotonin balance. Also serotonin is needed to make melatonin and I believe that is why the alcohol messed up my ability to sleep. I don't smoke, but I believe cigarettes cause dopamine release. I think in withdrawal we become sensitive to anything that affects neurotransmitters, it confuses our brain which is trying to rebalance them.

[samantha]

We'll I am feeling better today - and definitely staying away from alcohol! I saw my accupunturist as well which has been long overdue. I have had very little energy today but aside from some annoying morning anxiety I have overall been better. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. i went back up to 9mgs right now on the meds, we'll see how that lasts for the rest of the week and if I stabalize quickly then I'll go back to where I was at at 8. Thanks everyone

[Betsy]

you might consider only tapering .5 mgs between the 10 and 5 mg doses.
It will take a bit longer, but you will have less withdrawal symptoms. That might help....
Glad you are feeling a bit better.
Betsy

[matthew T]

Originally Posted by Betsy

you might consider only tapering .5 mgs between the 10 and 5 mg doses.
It will take a bit longer, but you will have less withdrawal symptoms. That might help....
Glad you are feeling a bit better.
Betsy

Betsy, why have you not tapered down the next dose? just wondering