my heart hurts...

[wallflower2009]

i find it really hard to tell people how sad i am, and if i do, i don't always think they know the grief i feel. about a week into c/t and since (mostly) everything i knew and loved changed, my love for my on/off boyfriend, the love i felt for my family, and just everyday things that made me feel happy, even like a good book. That gratitute feeling, that makes your heart warm. that seems to have gone, it's like it's been encased, all in a matter of weeks and it makes me so sad Does anyone understand or am i just a cold person?

i feel so lost, i'm trying to be positive and although i haven't really mentioned it, i'm pummelled by the majority of all the mentioned w/d symptoms (plus the ongoing stuff) daily and to be honest i'm not sure how much more i can take it. i'm mentally and physically exhausted.

sorry, i hate to sound like this, but for the first time i'm beginning to admit the truth about how i feel - i don't normally, as i just cover a lot over and try and be business as usual (i know we all need to do this to get on), but i'm wondering if i need to, to be able to move on?

thanks x

[Si in Wales]

Wallflower

I think it's incredibly important to be open about how you feel. There's absolutely no shame in that, especially somewhere like this, where people will have had similar experiences.

You are undoubtedly in the midst of withdrawing from this very nasty chemical and this is having a profound impact. I don't know you, but just from your posts on here and your PMs it's evident that you are not a "cold" person. You are indeed being "pummelled" at the moment and this is what's giving you these thoughts and feelings.

I'm in a similar situation - 2 very rough days when I felt overwhelmed by my tinnitus and thought there'd never be a light at the tunnel. However, I talked to a good friend and felt better for it. Sharing your feelings can be a big help and it's not a sign of weakness. As a result I feel calmer and able to go to the Hay-on-Wye festival for the day. I hope to have a nice time. I've also been more open about my situation with my work colleagues and they've all been understanding. If you feel bad about talking to others, I find that the "please understand I know I'm not the only one with problems....." line helps!

By the way I noticed in another post that you are not living close to family - I know we talked about relocation in a PM and actually that's very similar to me and a major reason for wanting to move.

In the situation you, I and many others are in there are going to be some very rough times, but most of the time I'm hopeful that things will improve and I try to hang on to that. I think you need to give it time and look for small improvements - easier said than done I know.

Take care



Si

[DUTCHY]

NO,....it's not you!........it's the withdrawal making you feel cold and empty.
Not covering but admitting and recognizing this, will help you into accepting your situation better......which in return can make it a bit easier to move on!

Unfortunately, the only way to go is to go right through it...but with time it will get better and better...that's a promise! ..........

[wallflower2009]

thanks for your replies, it means a lot, it really does. i do feel better for sharing, it does get me through the day. i try to remember that things are improving on the whole, definately the physical symptoms. i send you both my best wishes back

[Songbird]

I haven't been in your situation, although I had glimpses of it last year, when I had patches of feeling detached from my kids and it freaked me out and I worried that I didn't love them any more. I agree with Dutchy, I think it is definitely the w/d, not you, and it is not permanent. Perhaps accepting and allowing yourself to feel like this instead of fighting it so hard might help, knowing that it is only temporary.

[Through the storm]

I understand this, and only now do I understand it as I look back on the last day or so when I was feeling at my worst. When I'm feeling at my worst, I feel like an ice queen! I couldn't care less about anything or anyone. I don't feel love for the things I once did, and I have no appreciation for anything.

It is such an exhausting thing to have to go through on all levels - this withdrawal - I don't think anyone can understand it unless they have walked in your shoes.

You are definitely not a cold person. In fact, you have been one of the most encouraging and thoughtful people to me on this forum. You always have a postive word to say when I'm in a bad place. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful, kind and caring person, who is going through so much. In a way you are grieving. Let yourself feel this pain. I know it is hard. Keep writing and sharing your thoughts. We are here for you, and we don't judge anything you say. Feel free to let loose and say whatever you're feeling!!

[wallflower2009]

Songbird and TTS
thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me and words of support. it helps me to know that i'm not alone with this.
TTS, when i went to an accupunturist she took my pulse and she said my pulse was of someone who was deperately grieving. It made me so upset when she said that, because I said, it's like grieving for myself. The one I lost during w/d and the 10 years spent on it. x I guess it's time that heals x
speak soon

[nice bloke]

i feel like this on an almost daily basis. in fact it was one of the reasons that my girlfriend broke up with me. she felt that i was no longer showing any love, care, support not only to her, but to my sister, my parents, my niece etc. the sad thing about all of this is that we were only together a few months before i ct'ed so i imagine that she truly believes that i am a cold and selfish person even though i tried to explain to her that prior to this experience i was the complete opposite. i fear that she didn't know whether to believe this or not, its kind of irrelevant now anyway seeing as she dumped me. but you are most certainly not alone in this.

[Jean56]

oh wallflower, you articulated how i feel so beautifully. i feel like such a freak and i'm hoping this will go away in time once i get off this stuff. you're not alone.

[pokie]

I also feel like this.......I am not sure though if your choice of C/T is a good one from your stating how you feel. I want off this crap as much as anyone else her but maybe you can reinstate to a does that was manageable and begin small tapers from there. I would hate for you to have to go through years of feeling like crap.
Hugs to you,
Colleen

[carolyn]

You're definitely not alone! My poor husband has been practically in tears a few times recently because I seem so distant and disinterested to him. I wish I had anything to tell him other than "this too shall pass".

[wallflower2009]

thanks for your posts. i guess we all know what the pain and numbness feels like. sometimes i am ok, some relief is there for minutes and then it is gone. i've never known anything like this in my life. I've never had depression before, this is terrrifying.

the fact is, i just cannot do this for years....

[Rachelina]

Wallflower. . .of course you are not a cold person. You titled your thread "my heart hurts." I'm actually envious that your heart hurts, because it means you are alive, you can feel. I know you are sad that you can't feel the love and warmth you used to feel. But the sadness itself is something, it is a real emotion, and maybe it is the first step to getting back all those other feelings. It's good that you are grieving for yourself now, and you are right that it's time that heals. Such a cliche but absolutely true, and I have to keep reminding myself of that every day. Also, Songbird is right, don't fight these feelings, fighting them often makes them worse. Just do your best to accept this for now, and take extra good care of yourself while waiting for time to heal you. xxoo

[AussieGirl]

Wallflower... you are not alone. This is w/d most likely and it will pass, but in the interim no we are all here for you. Try and do a little something for you each day. I too, have found journaling really helps.

Hugs ((((((((((())))))))))))))